how many years have passed?

A jolt of madness sends me astray pushing everyone to the extreme I am blown away
with my courage or is lack of...to think before I speak
lost in the extravagence of the moment i Forget the pain after a while
when young comers come to visit filled with beauty and sad but wonderful memories bringing them to a time of fantastic collection of truth, honesty, joy, love, faith, understanding, respect, everything
I am not
the words escape me and i dont see wahts wrong in them for I am just so mad , so mad at feeling so bad
and so weak and so useless and lifeless i have to prove a point - i have to prove a point that I am better that I am stronger thoughtful and that everyone should listen to me that what I say should go and what I say should stay for I am best
I am terrible
really I want to be a charachter like magic riding along life everything I say means something
now everything i say means nothing
really I want to be her - that woman who has


charisma

c for collection
h for heart that is her secret
a for alive with faith
r for respect
i for intimacy
s for safety
m for mesmerising
a for amel, amel

tell me what it takes to stop regretting stop becoming another one
tell me waht it takes to stop hurting yourself and other people
tell me what it takes to know youre the one
tell me waht it takes to give love to the one above
the one who gave you love
ad shared life wit hyou for he chose you as one of his
and you could have been somewhere else
and someone else
doing nothing else but liviing a lie

tell me
how many years have passed?
 

I dont feel like writing

I dont feel like writing
probably because during inspiration hours  I am sleeping
angry to wake up and try to find love
I dont feel like writing because I am wrong
and I am not strong
I have nothing to write about
I hate all these noises and thoughts near me
i feel ugly and like a fake
too big to fit into my dreams
and I cant seem to make my dreams fit me
i dont feel like writing
my dreams seem to have melted
I close my eyes so hard and still the edges of the dream
are grey and the centre is all fuzzy and the sound is mute
like a broken cinema
I cant see the wonderful film I created no more
no matter how hard i try to fix it
all i see is messy lines on the screen
I dont feel like writing
i dont feel like writing at all
I dont know how to write or what to write
about my fears?
about my questions?
about my jealousy?
my terrible jealousy?
about my anger?
that im always trying to hide
I feel like im split in two
one the one who no one knows about
the other the one that everyone knows about
yet no one seems to understand
 

to give her or not to give her.....?

 A shot of dreams
I fall to the core
shattered in pieces
life becomes death
sond becomes still
I will
never hear again
or see again
or feel again
the way I felt
just a second ago
for its too late
to change anything
the finality is here
hopeless
somewhere
as I crash
as I forget
as I close my eyes
as I become senseless
as I give up
riches
health
time
street lights
fun life
desire scents
freedom


I ask myself all that didnt matter
except your faith
why did you give up your faith
your prayers
your questions
and your dreams
why did you let them turn against you
until they shot you down

faith should have been priority
here or there
or anywhere you go
do not worry where you foot is in life
worry about
dreams that will shoot you because you didnt protect yourself with faith
your prayers
remember those?
or
Quran
or
Breathing
arnt they all the same plane

lose one
shot of dreams
with bleeding into internal despair
and external sorrow
seeping into yourwounds
until it all darkens
and you find yourself
done


its never too late to be happy
its never too late to ask yourself
how strong are you
and show yourself
what it is it
that you can really do?

should have got a license

sad that i cant wake up on time
sadder that i dont care
sad that i feel so large
with deep thoughts of despair
can I really be the one I dream
or Will i be trapped in a dream
forever
until all passes me like fantastic races
and  I pretend im happy in their faces
I dont know sometimes I feel so mad
at myself and who i am
and sometimes im stronger than the best
because i put myself to the test
to never give up
and to always remember God forgives
and God gives
what you desire and need
but all in the right time
and its not the time


lost in drama of dancing and well done biscuits
tender and just right perfect to the taste
perfect to the touch
like me
perfect
I want to be perfect
or at least try
nearly the end of the year
so many years ive been trying
and now im still trying
I hope next year
I find all I want
faith family, friends,
health
wealth and happinness
love I hope i find love
or rather I hope it finds me
but most of all I hope
I hope that im always hopeful and that i dont resist to sadness

are you ever to be... intoxicating 2?

 I want to be intoxicating for you
lost in your arms and your eyes to see
I want to be feel that im sensual and iresistable
heartmending
for you
I want to be intoxicating to the touch
soft to touch like the softest mark there is
I want to be delicious to smell
like a powerful sweet aroma that makes you want to lose control
 I want to be intoxicating to have
like having me is all you desire
for we mend each otehr
and we blend with one another
perfectly to make the right colour
i want to be intoxicating to watch
whistful
joyous
bringing good things to all that come
I want to have that night more than anthing in the world
maybe in the same place who knows
and if it is
God knows I will look that the place I sat in and
remember the girl who wanted to be intoxicating and
became one

are you ever to be .....intoxicating?

I have a dream that I saw today
although I knew I could do better one day
floating queen I dream and see
her colour of navy or a turquiose sea
maybe pearls maybe jewels
but I see a crown glorious to the eye
dazzling with love I dare to try.....
become her


detailed flowers or is it diamonds
I dont know what style is nicer but i drream of it all
although I feel stupid
I feel weak
like jasmine
except shes already given up
I continue to fight
fight for who I am
for who I wnat
for what i want
it annoys me when people mess with my heart
it fears me when I mess iwth my heart

my heart is like my dream
lights
drums
colours of all wavelengths
joy
existence
I dream to exist
royal navy but with a cape
colourless
yes colourless
a dress with wood for example
or a dress with metal
or ivory
or leather or pearls
people have to describe for a long time
what they saw


her body was amazing
her body was beautiful
her dancing was amazing
she was .............intoxicating

 

its that easy

so why are you worried
its that simple
so why are you troubled
its that perfect
so why are you afraid
is it that uncomplicated
that an engagement is made

God is beautiful and he loves beauty
ask yourself are you filled with destiny
wide enough to hold your dreams
and long enough to fit your desire
and bold enough to shine against your enemies
the devil and one

God is amazing and he wrote your way
then why cant you see youwere meant to be this way
try and try harder again
but never forget hating yoruself is a sin

God will whisk you away
you have forgotten that
into a time of true love more than you ever asked for
he is what you tihnk of him
so what is it that yo uthink of him

what have you forgotten
and what have you remembered
and what have you asked and prayed for
Never forget what you prayed for
because you must know he hasnt forgotten it
and he never will


God is yours
and you are his
no one and nothing can come in between
dont let anything make you cry or feel
that God is foreign
no he is closer than your breath and your soul and your heart
dont ever forget that

 

homeless

Broken
By visions of dirt around babies and people who have to buy life
like life was given at a price
God gave it for free
Broken
By visions of high speed trains that fly
fly by
country side boring but happy
fly by cities clean but busy
fly fly by
for forever I dont know
for today
yes
Broken how I wish I could drag it all here
how I could just make it all come here
for we deserve high speed trains
and we deserve to have peace
and freedom
and healthy people
and faith that means something
not just nothing
here faith doesnt mean anything


today someone said to me
I know how to get it back from you
what you owe me
5 pounds is what i owned him
I gave him 20 but he wanted 25
but he deserved 20
I tihnk im sure

but what do I deserve
ive been praying my wohle life
and ive been hope my whole time
I dont deserve to have that kind of debt

on me
everyone asked
did you not agree?
I dont know


all I know is
I have a huge debt on me
like the debt my country has to pay to its people

its a huge price to pay
unaffordable
just like my lifestyle
just like my entry and slot here in my home

I tihnk it closed a long time ago
right now


I am homeless

 

an invisible dream

I wish I could find the way
to you
I wish I was on the right road
to you
all my life Ive been trying to find
you
all my time I spend thinking about
you
the lost diamond so far away
I have come to find you
here in the desert
here in the wilderness
here in the heat and inthe disaster
that is my home
I am here looking
for you
I am here searching amongst forests
looking at the starts at night
alone
wondering are you looking at them too
I wonder
how long can I perservere
?

regret is unprofessional 1

Go and dont be afraid
this is what you wished for
like fame and fortune
like the richest man in the world
the one who has true faith
you have to dive in this heat
you have to smile even if you want to scream
at the horror of how terrible humans can be
you have to open your eyes even if you want to close them
you have to try harder and not just try
you have to start each day with a positive mind
even if its all wrong
and this
this is what patience means
and prayer this is what prayer means
and this is what faith involves
to give your heart to god
so he will give it back to you safe and proud

Skyfall in Sudan

There is beautiful something about winter in sudan
There is a beautiful desire to begin life in winter in sudan at 3 am
with the bedroom windown open the curtains pushed to the side to let life in
with all its turbulence, silence, existence
the streets lay forgotten for the night and the people sleep
they say sleep is the best forgiver you cant sin while sleeping
cats fight outside I dont know for what
love? food? land?
people here fight for the same thing
but not at 3 am
this is how i wish sudan was
beautiful
cold
a whisper of time that makes sense
that is peaceful, whistful, blissful
like a small piece of a dream
not even the whole dream

I dont know where I am
for amidst queit shadows
I stay awake open to the world
watching sky fall
through a gateway of .... the internet
seems to normal
but i create a portal of destiny
to find who I am
I am the one who loves life
music movies
but I am the one who loves Sudan
at 3 am particularly

I watch skyfall and I catch my dreams before they fall
here on ....electronic paper
I am a woman with many expereinces
the experience of goodness of ugly truths
of beautiful dreams
of very hard dreams
of wonderful faith
of loneliness
of education
of lack of education
of hearing fresh azans
of hearing electronic azans
of sleeping of waking
og hearing the damp clicks of keyboard letters against my fingers
I type fast
that is an experience


henna on my hands
i can smell the fresh tickle of its leftover
a big circle on the inside of my palm
the circle of the world?
I hold the world in the palm of my hand today
thinking of all the world today
here there
the end of the cinema somewhere far far away
I can still see the traffic lights
the sounds of the motorway
the look of the streets
the shape of the cars
the shape of our house key
the taste of having seen a new movie i nthe cinema
but i  am not there anymore
I am here
in the middle of the desert
thinking about love
about destiny
about skyfall
and how always the criminal leaves the door open behind him
always they will be caught
good
im glad
so why is it not happening in real life
or maybe the movies hasnt finished yet
yes it hasnt finished yet
I think about love here in the desert

I wonder will it taste like strawberries and milk with a bit of date and banana
a mix of an africa smoothie
lightly sweet , cool , sensual ,..........
I love winter in sudan particularly at dawn
the sound of prayer outside my walls
I feel muslim
ive never felt muslim before
but i also feel scared I am not the good muslim here even though i tihnk i am
 ]i love the feel of cold air against my feet like a really expensive air con
that i cant turn off
i lvoe the sense of lack of control
even though its frightening to live withoutcontrol
but letting the grips loose feels right
I dont know
all I know is


I lvoe sudan in winter particularly at 6.09 am
i wish it could stay like this forever
that i find all i want
a movie that i wanted to watch right in beneath me
in the cold desert next to family sleeping , with the sound of prayer outside

this is a dream collectiing forming mending
 healing
Ya Rab help me to make dreams come true

 

zebras in the desert 2

I hate this part of me
the one who is never happy with what she has
feeling so cold even though god has given me warmth
and feeling hot when the air con is on
i hate this part of me
that is jealous of other peoples things
although i have so much more
 in depth
in time
in effort
my life runs a different course than otehrs
but i hate the part in me that doenst see that

why dont i have and why dont i have
when i have it all
i have it all
and icant see it
from this
i can create an experience never to be forgotten
but here i am
lost
in sensation
that i am losing
that i am stupid
that i am making a mistake #that i am making a big mistake
that i am now more hidden than ever
I feel awful
I feel awful that ifee l like this
because i know its worth punishing
god cannot give me all
and even if he wanted to now he wont want to

I wish  I wish Sudan hugs me with warm arms
and forgives me for my impatience and my selfishness for asking so much from it
and wanting so much more than it can give
but i pray
that it sees me as the one who got away but came back
voluntarily
and thus gives me priority
for it breaks my heart that
i am more sudanese than anyone here
but
I really am not
because i dont know the roads
and where they go to
i dont know their names
and I m searching for a house to call my own
but i dont know where it will be
and im searching for undiscovered thing s but theyre so expensive
but im searching for forgotten promises that i made

I dont know where they are
I dont know where they are

waterfalls in the desert 2

I want to watch him love me
in the desert at night twisted through the broken down villages where beggars sleep and sick children play dirty with hope for nothing tommorow except tp survive leaning on the walls of a stolen house with 99 lights and ....beautiful cars....lights and cars and frozen ice with pasgianos flavoured after partys and mbc....drama in the air stipped by only a few metres a new world , where there are no fans to part the heat and there are no air conditioners to change the temperature and there is no good food to fill stomachs and thus hearts with calories of time - I watch pain here in the streets where there is no dancing there is only petrol shifting wthether up noses or out exhaust pipes I watch thirst here for expensive things  Iwatch slow death here through lack of loving oneself , though lack of understanding life through lack of wanting a better future - I dont want any of that
so why am I here

I want to watch him love me
through brown eyes and a clean moustache
smiling intimately understaning my every thought
I ahve extracted beauty from the desert
I want to hear him call me
from teh depth of his heart
I never wann to make him do anything
but I know he wants to be with me through every voluntary bone in his body
and I know its not desire
its more than what exists in this world
the  river combined with my tumbling emotion
passing bridges where water watches my war to cool down my heart
for it is an africa heart
hot and furious with lust to love to be loved
the only way possible
the right way

Waterfall in the Desert 1

Ya Rab
I let go of  an opportunity to stay in Sudan
this is the first sacrifice
I feel awful and weak
but I ask you to forgive me if I have done the wrong thing
i feel like my GPS is calling derouting derouting derouting
but isnt this what i wanted
to live in this mess
in this heat
in this lack of organisation
I dont want to let it go
I dont want to let it pass
I want to find things
here
like myself
faith and love
I dont to sleep and miss out on my grandfather
I dont want to eat and watch my beautiful body untamed
unloved
unwanted
unhappy

I want to stay in sudan thats for sure
I want to fall in love thats for sure
I want to be a good muslim , a good one thats for sure
I want to work to help people before i help myself ..thats for sure


Ya Rab
save me
and help me help myself through helping others

 

Signed....I will succeed

I wont let you fail me
I wont let you starve me from good feelings and good things
here I am taking hte time be here
and here you are taking the time to throw me off my point
I want to understand how traffic is
and how life is
and how time is spent
and how people win
and succeed
I want to succeeed
i jsut dont know how
or am i too weak?
I dontk now
but I know
I will not fail
I will not fail
I will not fail
 and I will not become one of you
this place isa like facebook
you can open it and become addicted and keep presing and poking until your page is jsut dirty
I dont want to have a facebook here
no no account
I am still the same person of accurate intentions
to faith and love and life
I do not want ugly dreams
I only want wonderful ones
I do not want open portals
i want closed ones
remember the less faith you have
the more open the portals become
remember its been a long time since ramadan but its still a longer time to the next one
 and this one was special i know it was
it had to have been
i filled my batteries to the brim
and I am not preapred to waste them
no
I wll not be sad
i will not be irritated
or made to do soemthing or say something i do not want to do
 Iwll not be dirty
 i will not be ugly
and i will not be dumb
i will not be dumb
i made that mistake a long time ago and it still hurts me
but that hurt should change me and not break me
 i pray for the right one
the right thing
the right dream
i pray i fit into it
not the otehr way around
i dream
of sweent mornings
and warm smelling pie
ppie with jam
pie with heart
and how to make flowers in vases
i am that girl
BUT
i am also looking for independance
i am also looking for
for a woman who is lazy to pull her out of that hole
and i wont let you push me into it at all
no
i may have fallen into it
but i wont die in it


Signed ... Iwil l succeed

so and so

it scaress me when i look back through a mirror glass of broken engagements love and to think how many tears may have been spent and how many kisses may have been blown...in vain
so and so was in lvoe with so and so buthink about t they didnt end up together
theydidnt get married
no one really knows why
except the couple that should have been but never were
i know that means God didnt write them down as one

but i still wonder and imagine
if so and so were together today now
how would they be
 would they be here different
with us in love
in fear
in happinness
in time
in strength
or in darkness
would they have saved us or would we have saved them
from twisted marriages and no children from illness and poverty and fights and terrible people
would they have saved us from lack of education and love
or would they have saved us from enhanced trauma
would we have sepent itme with them and loved them
and become friends with them
and maybe even more

I wonder
about what could have been all the time
and i tihnk well how many could have beens were in my life
and my time
and what will be in a few years time
or maybe many years time
that I will regret or not regret

all I know is
I pray God helps me make the right choices
and gives me orange lights in the middle of khartoum with ...........

to be continued

I forgot what it feels like ...to look deep inside

3.14 am - I shouldnt be awake

but I               am
 listenin forcefully to the sound of twittering flies in my bathroom that I cant catch and worrying about unreturned deposits ...of life of life
I love it --- life
always .....
the hum of the refrigerator wafts and queitly the air con sings cold love to me
orange lights and good music or rather
a small window to the outside world
I ask myself
how much do you wana open and how much do you wana close?
can you control that?
i say: you can do anything you desire
like pain you can desire to leave that behind
europe ..you can desire to forget
africa
you can desire to remember
wishes upon long days and hot trains
to come here
in the middle of the sun and family
and grapefruit
you dreamt this and its happening
endless numbers of grapefruit tomatoes and anything sudanese
but suddenly i am lost
or am I stolen?
i dontk now
I am confused i know I am
but i realise this is exactly where i want to be
maybe i didnt account for hardships for othdr peoples eccentricities
but as for me
I am in tune with life
even if im scattered in thoughts
Its like I want to do a million things at one time
even though im not doing anything
its like i have a million things to do
even though im not doing anything
its like ive forgotten who iam
even though my reflection is the same
its like my memories have been shaved
even though my hair is getting healthier
its like im a stranger
even though im close to relatives

 i feel
confused and weak
unpraying
unlearning
unthinning and
unhappening
the me I dreamt of
the love i yearn for
the me i demand
I always demand respect
but I ask myself
do I really deserve it?

God
where are you
I know you are here
I love you
but I cannot se e you
and that is wrong
you are not just a part of me when i am alone
you should be a part of me no matter where I go
I feel that there are changed things inside me
but there are bad things stil lthe same
life is an endless battle
but a beautiful one
and i want to live a beautfiul battle
one with good regrets and forever love
i refuse to believe i am not worth amazing love
and endless smiles
Ya Rab
I ask you to help me
I want
 I want to never dissapoint you family and me
I want
to succeed here
i dont want to fail and i dont want
others to see me fail
I dont want to run#
I dont want others to tie me down
and rope me and choke me
cut my air supply and leave me breathless
no

I dont want no one to control
that is why i always want to be different
i want to attract different
but good
faithful and strong
 ya Rab
i know i can do that
 I know you can do that
please help me

today is a good day
for i can go far far away to hear what i need
and still be in the right place at the right time


 

butterflies on the roof

Today , I made a beautiful memory
on the final floor the roof of a house in the busiest part of omdurman with traffic horns and tired lorries overloaded everywhere I stood hanging my washing like....... like old times? I had never experienced old fashioned laundry for a long time
the smell of the powder, the coolness of the wet clothes against my wrinkled hands, the freshness of the sun as I was borrowing its heat to dry my clothes or was it being friendly by helping me?

ahead of me

was life
behind me
was a person I wanted to forget a little bit more each and everyday

but the real beautfiul memory was
white butterflies dancing nearby on top of pink flowers that were wrapped around the railing of the roof
how beatiful
undisturbed by badness by sadness
jsut miracles dancing and waving higher tot he sky to help them be together
forever
landing on pink soil when tired to chat rest and have fun
 I watched them
I watched the street
I wish life could be as beautiful as those butterflies rythyms
so I asked myself
can my life be as beautfiul as those butterlfies rythyms?

Pickles & Ginger Biscuits

The coolness of the external alone fills my heart
I feel safe , unwanted ...but safe

wishing that they open their door i search for remedies, memories as I am greeted with a warm but a cold welcome or was it a goodbye, I dont know - I was looking at what I wished my future would be like i was looking at the beautfiul sudanese yard clean and dribbled with water smelling like aftershave of rain and sweet flowers, the lemon tree sitting on the side like a glazed queen, I was looking at the way the lights fall and the entrance to the inside of the house tempts you to run inside - we went at that time when all the hard work was done cleaning and cooking and sleeping = their children greet us beautifully clean and queit plaits controlled and voices unheard - come say hello and then they run to where they came from - I admire everything insdie the furniture the carpet the curtains the ornaments the kitchen although i didnt enter it today the fans the freshness the love the faith I admire everything and I start to remember all the good things I know I want to know I thought i knew - we ask for tea only they give us tea only and three tyoes of biscuits two homemade
one ginger biscuits with sugar sprinkled on top the ginger comes to me like a waft of life inside turmoil soft but surrounded with a bit of brittle like me? i love them
I am queit today i was never queit when i went to visit them but today i was queit thinking they really dont care they really dont know how much I love them and wnat to be like them I never want to leave even though I know their home doenst really want me as i leave i imagine their in progress garden how beautfiul lights flowers in a certain way tea and juice or maybe dinner outside

oh and pickles .....aubergine cucumber and cucumber carrots onions>? dont let them boil , salt sugar vinegar water i try and remmebr i desperately try and save it in my memory pretend ive done it a million times pretty young woman doing a grandmothers job perfect sexy cool

i hate leaving but i hate going

I always feel unbehaved and lifeless when I leave them
and dirty and unsudanese
I feel all those things when I visit the best people inthe world

neither here nor there

in the subset of tranquil madness I categorise my future memories into turmoil or ....watermelons
broken existence I share the heaviness of the metal dust in the sotlen streets, lost from frozen money thawed in a beautiful girls room somewjere downtown ...in the high places around like here - the condiotioner conditions my anger and cools my heartbreak - the fan rythyms my soul in to believing I am here ...I am here in the place where i am  either here nor there where i neiether belong or am a stranger no i am not a stranger but I am not adjust to this zoo either - like a desert filled with stories filled with smiles and tears and water but also oil, sugar, and sesame ground into a sweet - I have been writing about the moment I reach the deafening sounds of truck traffic and rich versus poor sudanese I have been waiting to write about the times the street lamps shine onto my heart at midnight and how the sounds of sleeping people beat and how the trees sway with pink and white and how the sound of the refrigerator hums in the background and how I am here so happy but so sad because there is a part of me that i just want to kill and deploy so very far away to do its dirty business of crashing dreams elsewhere - and there is a part of me I do not understand - its like the girl who said I dont need crushed biscuits of solid flavoud...vanilla or like the eyes that stare at me and think what is that girl t hinking its the same girl thinking WHAT IS THAT GIRL THINKING
that girl I wish I was a new woman I have been dreaming about being a better woman i didnt want to cry at all but I am sad because I do not feel light instead i have a million worries and I do not feel beautiful because I the connection is lost and I do not feel in touch with myself because I am neither here nor there neither hapy nor sad neither good nor bad neither alive nor dead neither strong nor weak neither able or unable - they said to me you cant do this alone I said i wont even listen - now I say are they right are they really right?

this is not my plan

 this is not who I am
lost
bored
boring
queit
unhappy
tired
ignorant
weak
selfish
lacking
and
willing to sacrifice heaVen for a few hours of extra sleep

this is not what I want
late starts
unhealthy body
functionless mind
concentrating on the hot weather .....and food

this is noT how I want it to be
 a mistake
a chance closed
a time wasted
like all other times

this is not how I want God to see me
lifeless
useless
unworthy to be protected and loved
to be give n
memories and a future


this is all wrong
I am all wrong
I feel so unhappy
not becasue I am in the wrong place
but becasue I am doing all the wrong things

I feel so weak
because its like somewhere as I  was flying my strength fell from the sky
and my dreams vaporised
leaving this

an empty woman unsure where to begin
and what she must do

this is not what I promised my self
a new me
expanded only in beauty

if i continue like this
it will be the loss of all times
and the sadness that costs me all my age
and goodness

i have been here a week
so whats is going to be
sink or sswim?

Be.....be natural,,,,be beautiful

I dream
I live
I aspire
I collect strength
I fly

I will be a new hope
with a new scent
and that works hard and tries her real best
love for faith - even if at 3 am at 4 am
I used to think before there are always more faithful ones than me
it made me never really believe in myself
but now now i think
yes there are very good people too
but I am my own goodness and it is what I do and all else doesnt matter
have good strong opinion be wise be strong but be sweet be mature be hopeful be natural
caring  honestly to others and then to yourself
if you really cared for your self it
would show
and you would know
how pretty and happy you really can be
be loving but be daring be promising be magnetic be attractive
be natural - simply be kind be easy
energetic - oh live live for moving your body and twisting into activity
fun to be with to see to hear to talk to be around
entertaining to life - live your life and nobody elses and not for anybody else
except God 

Last day of September

I feel alive with freedom and beautiful time
Knowing that if I think about it I
can save
my life
yes
rushing I cannot do
but doing thhings correctly is the correct thing to do
Ya Rab I ask that anything I wear makes me look
Beautiful
as I never want to feel unbeautiful again

In the last day of September I try again
Im not what I thought I was but I didnt think I would be where I am now
happy promising
regretful of not working hard but adamant never to do the same mistake again
In the last day of September I queitly type in a glass room
with natures green and weak sunshine by my side
its a little cold and dreary but to me its like the sky is fresh and air is satin
I can breathe
I can smile
in the background dubbed turkish series run , I have no clue about the story line
but my ears understand a problem
My eyes are concentrating on my own story
a beautiful story one that needsliving
to its max
In the last day of September I ask myself
how precious is a healthy life to you ?


it is very precious
in every aspect and corner and miscelllaneous area
and I know nothing will be right unless I live healthy and well
within myself and then around me
my body is...delicious
and my heart is sweeter than my mind but my mind does have to do regular inspections for breaks that let the devil in and so does not have the time to spa and relax
Except I am going to give it my all to take more of its shoulders
my mind is a creative haven waiting to be .....discovered
and given full credit

but it also is a vast space of earthly land waiting to be grown
and sown
and taken care of
so that it brings out what you want it to think

like
I'm thinking
i must control my emotions not them control me
i must live every day with good intention
and learn from others and must give positive before negative
or even avoid negative
I must bounce with glee
and I must be free from all chains of misery
and I'm thinking
I must strengthen my faith and
treat it with detail
and give it its full attention and exceptional promotion
to the most important areas of my soul

aaaa my soul
my soul is the last level
the final adventure
the only piece in me that glows
and shows
a reflection of who i really am
I think you can hide whats on your mind
whats inside your heart

but not your soul
and so in the last day of Spetember
I'm thinking
my soul is my truth
and I must have truth

Destination: Elegance

This is the elegance im looking for , the war im trying to fight myself for
this is the lack of drama i need, the peace of mind I  want to succeed
living and breathing with hope
true hope
in a cold air of true life dreams
this is the place i wana go
and the image i wana show
of life and love and control
and elegance
and calm
serenity in every piece inside me
and tranquility around
me
not this humongous lifeless shadow i live now
Ya Rab tomoro will be hte last firday here
i have to eat so much to not throw it out
but i Would feel worse if i had to throw it all out
Ya Rab help me
and suppport me in all I do
 I am useless in managing my life

I need to recover
I need to live
I need my things to go well but before anything I need me to go well
Ya rAb
I need you so much
please help me
please ya Rab I need you
more than anything
to help me live my dreams
the ones small and big
tall and medium
xtra large
and super size
I know
I know
I can only be beautiful if I feel it
so please let me feel it
and let me feel like someone else can feel it
and let me know it deep in my heart
that you send me that man from heaven 

Signed.....Turned on the lights

I know youre here and I wont let you take my lifefrom me
yo uare triyng and I will fight back
all my problems
all my problems
are solvable
all of them are just tricks
all of them are God seeing how good I am
I wil fight you pathetic devil
and I will take advantage of all my resources
because in the first time I am excited and havea chance to be happy
and have a chance to start over
and lesson learnt
I will make myself beautiful inside to out
not for anyone excpet me and then the one
the one that Gods sends me the one that I am right for
the one that loves me
and makes me feel perfect and a beautiful woman
becasue I am
but he has the key to say so
I will make myself beautiful for hm
the one I want to be kind to
and smile to
and make happy and most importantly
the one that wants to need me
and be near me
becasue he wants to foerver
nothing else
its just simple
youre not in the equation
and I am winning how many times have there been crises a lot
I hope God protects me from them
but if they come
crises
you are not the solution
you are only the accelerator to pain
you are the catalyst
you cannot make me do anyhting but if you can affect me
and I wont let you
never ever again
I am everyday stronger htan before and I will shake you when yo utry to stick
liek now
those were not the solutions
and I saw that
SO PISSOFF!

Signed... Turned on the lights

The last time from this small place

Sometimes you never know when the last time is
but I know this is the last time Ill be writing from this computer
I feel aware of all my surroundings
It hurts but Im glad im escaping
it burns but its like a cool breeze
Im desperate to find myself and to change myself
Im adamant to become someone else
I didnt try my best here
there are so many things I could have done in such a small place
I could have reached to the world
there are so many things I could have discovered and adapted
I didnt do that and I know that
I learnt one very important thing
and that is if you enter something anything
you must do it right
you must put your all
but you must be kind and good
what i wasnt
Ya Rab
let my last times be better be easier be happier be less suffocating
be more...romantic
I want to be more romantic
to the right thing
God Im sorry
Im just so sorry 

Dont get tangles in the technicalities of LIfe
Dont be hypnotied by dark days
see its bright today
dont forget your OWN aims and not others
Dont be forgetful of the help God can give

my eat pray love

Its a rainy gloomy morning
queit and there arnt a lot of people boarding trains or walking near me
I have to check my watch to make sure It's the right time
Am I an hour early, an hour late?
no its the right time
its just a calm day
I ask myself
is it the right time to be sad?
why am I sad?
why am I diasspointed
am I a weak terrible person if  I dont want to be here?
if I want to be somewhere else
I ask myself
why am I tryin to squeeze myself in a container I just will never fit in
not now anyway
I ask myself
Is it really a disaster
Is it really a mess?
or is it exactly what ive been praying for coming true
didnt I ask for this
that by next Ramadan I would be.......
well there are logistics to it Hope
I ask myself
there is one scene I like from eat pray love
where she is eating somewhere in an empty apartment , traffic in the background but calm inside,  eating a warm, delicious emotional and colourful breakfast
its like she is at pause with life and love and meaning
and the world can just wait


I want to experience that
with all my foods
I want to eat everything and feel healthy  and strong
through wisdom of choice and glamorous expeditions of taste

I want to pray delightfully kindly meaningfully romantically
I want to learn how to pray correctly and teach my self  the coordinations with the heavens and a 2pm hot omdurman afternoon

I want to love
with all my heart and extensions of mind and soul
I want to be loved
honestly and kindly
simply and innocently
and right
I want it to be and feel right
no conditions attached
except love

so i decided on one of the last gloomy london mornings - I ll be here
rain dripping from the sky
tyres encircled with water making an open sound of cold
that I will begin my own
eat pray love

beginning with the end of a life I do not want
and starting a journey of self finding and beauty


to be continued................
 

this is what i wrote just 4 days ago so why is 4 decades away now?

if I went
aaaaa if  I went  wouldnt know where to begin with happinness and a life portal of home existence and independance with family yet myself, teaching myself to live young and strong

5 goals

Ya  Rab im sorry for buying sunglasses and other things
no matter waht i wont forget you
you are the reason im happy and living
you are the reason im strong and healthy
ya RAb please dont take my health away
please help me and save me
and change me and change my settings
and change all my accounts
of love , of life, of career, of meaning
nothing is breaking my heart than knowing i lack meaning
ya Rab I ask you to make me the one
for someone
this is my true and only dream
 i want to be that woman for him
i dont want it to be hard or meaningless
Ya rab this is the most important things to me
apart fro myou
i want to give it my all
im ready to do that 
please help me
please let my ramadan prayers work
please forgive me
please help me tomoro and tuesday
please dont let me feel ashamed
please let me be proud for I am hurt that i couldnt make my parents proud
please let me make them proud
please let me find all the reasons im alive
like being a muslim is one
or being someone with kindness
if i learnt anything from C
its to be a good heart
i really dont have that
and if im wrong in my judgement fine
but i dont have a good heart

there are aims i want to do
5


one - to find my good heart

two - to empower my health
three - to find my love
four -  to be happy
five - to remain as faithful as ramadan

THe first letters of white

the first time I write from  here , here
I feel promoted yet i dont know where zurich is
I feel ashamed
and yet I feel proud
I feel so weak
and yet I feel strong
I feel I dont deserve
and yet i feel I do
I feel honest but i feel like ive decieved
I feel like im in just the wrong place
I want to do so much more in my life
I want to feel better
I want to stay determined
I want to live young everyday fresh with a meaning
when I go, If i go
everyday
i want to look at myself in the mirror and say ive tried
for I know its trying that is the most important
I also want to stick to a dream
amazing how when God puts me on the path to this dream that ive been dying for
I forget it
NO
devil get out
im smarter than you
Ramadan is not far
aims have not deteriorated
not they are here
I can still scent them
their fire
their passion
their lust
everything i desire
is waiting for me
i dont want this and this and this
i just want that
to be an emotional girl with feelings like waves and a heart that beats miraculously and true
for the one above and ....one other
 

I can hear it in their voice
I hope I can change that
if I cant that is what will break my heart
that pain of irreversible dissapointment

Listening to my heart

beating excessively so nervous to do the right thing
say the right thing
be the right one
empty choices ahead of me waiting to be filled

only God knows what the future holds
that I believe in
Forever
it is not up to anyone but him

close to the fork now
the road is forking so soon

Im at the edge now
Im at the far edge now
I decided a long time back I would fight till the end
this is what I am doing
this is where I am giong
fighting
for myself
my faith
my family
and Sudan 

Ya Rab
this is for you andfamily
help me
help me
be the right one
its not for winning
or competition
or selfishness
or arrogance

it is simply an opportunity

Listening to Mango

very far away there is a mango day
In Sudan streets they listen maybe attentionless to the happinness that the radio brings
to me
through the nile intersections and yellow taxis
the same voices blare through to african souls
like me
I listen to music brought through lines and waves and maybe nothing

just magic
to my ears
on a day where I need all the support I can get
and love from my country

Ya rab let me make them proud
even though they dont know
that  I am here all this way thinking abuot them

listening to them
i hope I can make a difference to them
 ya Rab

cold coffeee

U always feel fallen
you always feel like youve said the wrong thing
done the wrong thing
even if so
KHALAS!
aaaggghhh!!! Shut up!
just stop it
and calm


you can do anything you want if you become a warrior and not a worrier

thats believe in yourself and  think of the hardwork you must do
dont dont falter dont minature yourself
after all ...you do come in xtra large
so why
why a small now ??


white ....White reflects goodness
 and I'm good

 to be continued

Beautiful Dream part 5

It's in the elegance , the correct use of smiling and faith and its in how much you believe in yourself and how you present yourself, how you dress, how you wear, how you collect and thus how much truth you hold, you can make yor dreams real only if you live

A beautiful Dream

I plan to be

no moretears

I plan to see

all my wishes 

i plan to make

beautifaly true

and no longer fake

sussed out will be

all those intentions

that make me the same

with no different attention

beautiful dreams i plan to seek

and I never want to again weep

over spilled tears that i can no longer take back

prayers that ive asked for that were not in my track

beautiful it is to see a dream

with all its image and ease when it gleams

and I plan to be beatiful

always and better

and im sorry only that I could not have been stronger

earlier

but this year

is a beautiful expansion

of a new future 

inshallah 

of the real

beautiful dream

like a viva

It is one month and 1 day since Ramadan started
i have accomplished a lot of things
and I am being examined
I hope I pass
in all my examinations

there is no more time
lets imagine all the time that you could ever waste has been used . watch ends
did you ever think about when the watch ends/
there is no more second chaces then
there are no more new beginnings or try again

would you not feel disgusted that yo uwasted ALLLL thattttt time
and none of it was ever about this day
Ya Rab let me be strong
from the tips of my hair until the tips of my feet
and let me be a queen from the tips of my hair till the tips of my feet

Ya Rab
you are teaching me patience and yo uare trying to see how much  I have faith in you
and how much I love you
and how much I will not fail you

its like a viva
you hsow the other person how smart and well versed and prepared you are
you will be distinct
you dont.... you will not be distinct
simple equation
and i want to be distinct for you this time Ya RAB


im sorry Ya Allah
Im sorry for all the time ive wasted
im sorry for all the unnecessary tears
thank you for showing me all this now , when im young m when im strong and when im preapred
if this happend before this Ramadan i dont think i would be this composed
but this Ramadan somethign inside me changed i learnt
i learnt patience and lov eand finding myself and taking waht was stole nfrom me back
my soul
and thus
it does make a difference

 no matter what happens i am with you Ya RAB
my closure is with you
my happiness is with you
my key to love and life and understanding is with you
Ya RAB

it only saddens me that i didnt trust you enough and myself enough and that the past haunts me with wasted time and tears

you have one and a half hours to find closure

I ask myself
Until when Will muslims be only reacting robots , brought on by a chemical reaction the result of an explosion gone wrong or the end phase of an experiment gone right,

now I ask myself
Until when  will i always be the reaction to something and never the initiating actor the game on my hands, the chemicals for love or hapiness are in my hands and i let someone else react -


until when will i be the reaction to bad decisions or lazy expeditions in this beautiful life
until when will i be the reaction to an addiction or the consequence , the consequence of saying its too hard

I see someone who cantstop smoking and think that is just plain stupid i would never ever ever be in that situation
unable to save my life

and then i look at myself
am i not in that position
unable to save my life


No
this blog
this blog is a a history of my dealings, my feelings, my thoughts, my tears, my joys and my despair , 
its a journey that sometimes when i look back i regret i admire, i love, i hate , i still wish, i loathe to apprehend and its a memory, of times whne i was right , when i was stupid, when i was wrong, so wrong, when i was good, when i was a disaster ,

I am only sad at the time ive spent , wasted tears, and dreams that are just useless, maybe it does hurt more when i remember the car window and a young growing girl with innocent dreams, asking all the way home, but god has been nothing but kind to me , nothing but good to me and so I will be good to him
i will not trumpet like a false player, I will not scream like a child, I will not go numb like the paralysed, I will not drown like the sinking, I will not shed a tear

i enver restrict myself about what i want to write about
i never really into detial about what a piece is about
as i feel details ruin the emotion
i never restirct myself
but htis time I will
I will give myself only till the start of the new day that exactly 1 and a half hours to say anything i feel about the news i heard today
and then i will never ever ever write about this part of mylife again

fpr nothing saddens me except the time ive wasted
but i know i must find closure

many examinations that I will be distinct in

I wont even let the music stop
God, you examine me and im ready
im ready this time
my walls are up and will not will come down
i ask for health
i ask for wealth in patience
i ask for joy
i ask for forgettting bad things or things that seem bad
dear god I ask you let me stay
i want to stay
at least for this while
because i realise i havnt put any love in myself
im loveless
because its not inside me
ya rab
i need more time
please give it to me
please
so in return i will never waste time again

Allah's Keyring

Hold it and wear it 

close to your heart

for God is close and his protection is closer

dont ever forget that 

keep it safe underneath your appearance

and nothing will do you wrong 

Allah's key ring is what you should keep

 leave it on you 

Dont ever take it off

you will look ugly otherwise 

and you will vanish from the pages of beauty

if you want to accessorise this is the foundation you start 

with

this is the base you always leave on 

this is the chain you never take off

 

A dream is coming

Only this one is wrapped differently with all my dreams on its cover - given to me in the kindest and sweetest box
it fits into my heart
my dreams
my strengths
my ability to achieve something greater and not just great

but the distinction is my reaction
my working for it , my accepting if I dont get it
I learnt the hard way , the last day
it is not the failure of not achieving or not getting something that hurts
it is the failure of having not tried that is painful
God is so merciful
he has provided me with a close second try
A Distinction that this time I aim to get
because I will work hard
today , tomorrow, the next day
and then whatever happens thursday
whatever happens
........I will be the amazing Hope that  I know will never falter or give up her faith

POW_ Think of yourself only

Signed ....I wont let you

nice try
but I wont let u
you wont shape my future no more
you wont pull me  past  my dreams no more
I wont let you I Wont put my guards down
you can try
you may pass one security , or two
but you cannot finish your stealing gam
I will catch you
and my heart will remain the same
strong and far away from you
you wont win no more
you cant live here no more
your a loser here
your weak here
and i wont let you win me
I wont let you be bigger than life
larger than truth
i wont let you be stronger than pain
or sadness
no you are minute
and miniscule and pathetic
i hate that word
i hate you
and i will beat you down
till you are .....gone completely


Signed....I wont let you 

POW_ forgive yourself

secret charm

I smell of secret charm and african plaits surround me
I have water clean and sound in front of me and ive finally ironed some ofthe terrible creases that consumed my life, appearance
I feel tired but i feel so clean and healthy
I feel not lonely and i know I am never alone
and i feel proud that i did something no matter how small was probably the hardest thing in my life
but its payed off because im hapy and simple and able to smile
god i would have been a wreck
a shipwreck
an earthquake
a tsunami
a lifeless misery
but after harship comes ease and i am at ease
for i have survived
and this year i will change te whole of me
i am determined to try
if i try the nothing will torment me

Ya RAB help me not lose
anything
time money
tears
education
a chance
a good chance
i know ive learned my lesson
for the first time i was only a jealous witch
i was a fake crowd shouting and screaming in my head
and non of it worked
until now
nowits working  htis calm
this tranquility
liek the waters of rainforest s and waterfalls that run within me
now its working the sweet smell of trying something good
clean
for angels only visit clean houses
Ya Rab as mch as i want to go
I am not ready please
help me stay
please ya rab
so theni can go ready clean and like someeone close said
they will all say wow
ya RAb help me
ya Rab

Beautiful Dream part 4

A beautiful dream is what i ask for
one that god prepares for me and that is in store
A beautiful dream though needs determination
and a healthy aspiration
to be a better woman, in everything
and a  beautiful dream needs inner love
and strong connection with the one above
A beautiful dream is what I want to reach
like a ladder I will climb until the peak
of the heavenly time
and the earthly moments of heaven
and the harships of entrance
and the ease of faith
and the beauty of a dream of true love and a wise mind
and patience
a beautiful dream requires patience
and a trembling conscience
so it can never hold wrong
a beautiful dream cannot go with the same person that has a weak
heart
or a weaker belief
a beautiful dream for me can only go with the best ....and kindest woman
that tries her best and heals her inner beauty before the outer softness and curves
Ya Rab



I wonder if people with beautiful dream swaste their time on facebook

change the whole of me 5

on the final day
I pray for the best
 in every way
I pray for tranquilit yand safety inside me and a happy heart
with a big smile
I pray to pray always
and I pray to stay in love with life and
love
and patience
I pray today and everday in everyway
for a sweet future
one with health, good time , right love and perfect memories
ya rab
i ask your kindness and I pray for your guidance
I pray to do the right things
for I could techniquely decide but
   I asked your reasoning your stability and knowledge to touch me
for I really do not know
and I need your help i ask you glitter me and shower me with just one dream
I ask you perfume and scent me and take the time to look at me glow
I ask taht day yo are with me proud and ready to give me a new definition
ya Rab change the whole of me that I am sure  I want and I need and I want to work for
Ya Rab change the whole me of me
for I want to be beautiful for you
always

will I go, Will I stay?

Sometimes its unbearable , watching my dream with someone else - i feel tired but most of all I am afraid that it will never come back to me that it will lose me and i just want to run to catch it but even if i did run i wouldnt know where to look?
Sometimes its even more unberable to conjure the dream in my mind as if its so real as if its really mine
when all it is , is a fake portal


I wish upon a change
I feel im starting but its not enough
I feel im winnig but not yet first place
a part of me wants to go , a? part of me wants to stay
is it up to me to decide
I hope I stay only so  I do not default...twice

i tihnk I can bare another while alone
a hard uncomfortable spa treatment lets say
If I stayed Ya Rab i would continue my journey thinning down my evils and fattening my true ccurves
in all aspects of my gorgeous life
if I went
aaaaa if  Iwent  wouldnt know where to begin with happinness and a life portal of home existence and independance with family yet myself, teaching myself to live young and strong
but ive used so much ....
I couldnt bare taking another so much amount
Ya Rab
Ya RAb dont see me liek this
I dont want to spend like this
my time please just give me what i really want
whatever it will be then i know it is what i really wanted
even if it doenst feel like so
I promise what ever it iwll be
i will not be sad
no I will not be sad

change the whole of me 4

I  look at myself in the mirror and i see a woman lacking flavour , apricotcscrubs and life

I look at myself deeper and I think what is it that I  can realy see hidden behind unexfoliated skin?

There is a                woman of                                       beautiful character 

of poise 

of depth                                                  elegance,                                            inner peace
,                              and

                                                          sweet  magnetism

there is a woman of sanction,  calm and goodness, a woman wanting simple but powerful things

                                                             young cool faithful dreams 

like  the air from a 2am refrigerator in the silenc of an african night except for one passing tired lorry or a 4 pm mug of tea in a khartoum alley way after a busy traffic street in downtown memory lane

there is a dream there are so many smaller dreams i side me

                                   yelping to escape 

i hope they come close enough so i can catch them

I hope they are  strong enough so I cannot hurt them

I hope they come healthy enough so they save me from myself

Ya Rab change the whole of me Ya Rab 

today, this year , today anyday change the whole of me 

I ask you to help me find what it is i am looking for
 for even I do not really know but I know its shape its colour its  texture its meaning its ability to make others happy to make my faith happy to make me smile ya Rab I think i know what it is but I do not know what it looks like

I Want you to help me  choose for me to guide me 

Ya rAb help me do not leave me alone

and do not leave me guess

leave me be better always leave me do the right thing always
I asked you this year to change the whole of me and I intend to continue no matter how close how hard how unbearable
I want to transform into all those things the woman inside me really is

please make me make the right choice 

Ya rab help me 

I ask you to help me 

Ya rAb
always 

I want to go_ Ya Rab let me go

I ask myself
what is it you really want to do
I answer
lose the meaning of days and love forever
mondays will be fridays and saturdays will be tuesday
ovens will be warm with chicken pies and later red velvet cake
the sunhsine will melt my worries away
th prayers will fit right that 4 pm evening tea will always have mint or cardemon
I will indulge in myself in everything like soap and perfect nails and face masks, like hair curlers and cream , lots and lots of body cream - traditional or modern silk - but I will also advance in balance - learning quran, starting early, reading always, stopping technology , I'm so tired of typing, I want to forget my passwords and usernames, I want to remember only cake and biscuit recipes, mango radio at 9.17 am in omdurman reflections on a tuesday morning peaceful yet energetic with cars and transport and wonderful times

Starting again_ forgive & forget

A new day, a new way where the old me refold s and blooms filled with inspiration and aspiration to do better
I ask myself
Why am I not happy, excited, feeling wonderful, proud,
I think
its because of this block of drama in front of me
but why?
because i always want so much from me and by me but i never put in enoug h enerfy
im creeping up
and not sprinting
 I want to forgive and forget
I want to let live and let go
I want to smile connected to my heart

I want to go
but not now 
not like this
I Would be incomplete
like a half baked wonderful cake
or a like a quarter eaten apple
no full goodness
or like a terrible exam
because I studies reggae at the time

THe Distinction 6

I come in like a funeral
my God look at this volcano of exploded dreams!
lava set all around the once cool breezes of love
I come in and see the shoes I should have worn
lying functionless excpet to weep like me at their lost purple and grey belt
they are still bored and angry at me
I come in and itch from the mess
like an old ugly man
like a young sick girl
I ask myself
what would you do if you became sick?
I answer  Iwould forget all these troubles they would be simple and I Would worry about life and death
about healh and time
about how much time
I would no longer worry about a distinction or not
i would no longer be so mad at myself and the world
I would beg my body to forgive me
I would beg God to forgive me
I Would be lost in gaining the future and I would forget the past
yes I would
so why not try now?
God does not like you complaining to any1 but him
and you know it is an insult otherwise
so I suggest you turn this terrible drama around
and make it have a happy ending
 

The Distinction 5

I love Pret A manger
its french taste and feel with suburban identity
i love its porridge thick but bright as i had it in many mornings travelling or waiting upon exams or after them - soothing to the heart
I love its croisant hot melting cheese
comfortable delicious and dark but soft
i love their lemon cheesecake
divine
lustful sexy brilliant
everytime i went to pret a manger i went for a reason
i wanted to go was enough
or i missed a particular taste
i always linked it to happinness and joy someway or another
until wednesday
when i was dragged like a donkey like i hadnt created all those memories
they were erased instantaously
the distinction

The Distinction 4

I ask myself the question
have you ever known god to be unjust in your life ?
no is the answer he has always been so so kind
so why now? clearly it is not that he wanted to hurt you
but it is that he wanted to show you
that you must try before he can give you anything
if you try and lose then it was not meant to be
otherwise it will remain hanging in the air for life
I ask myself the question
are you really trying ?
No is the answer
No
thus you will never ever succeed
I ask myself the question
why have you applied?
because i must try
even if its no
but it wont be if i try
if i try it will be meaning full
it will not be consuming
it i try it will be a chance lost
and not a chance stolen
if i try it will be a day sad and not many days many many days heartbroken
if it try I may succeed
and i may not
but it will not be that i didnt get it that will haunt me
it will be the fact that i didnt try
just like i am not trying in my life in other areas
as usual
as usual

SO HOW THEN DO YOU EXPECT A DISTINCTION? HUH?

The Distinction 3

There are times when I dream about all that is beautiful
there are times when I am strong, super and adamant
there are times when  i am never jealous of anything, anyone, anywhere
there are times when I am healthy, young and good, simply with a good heart


But I am not consistent


I am sure the distinction is that i was not consistent
you see there are times when I feel like I didnt deserve it anyway
but there are times when I feel I wasnt given the chance

it hurts me when I see that the second point is right
I didnt deserve it anyway
because I wasnt consistent

and the same may be apparent in all aspects of my life


THE DISTINCTION IS TO BE CONSISTENT

ps I Promise I will not let them give me sympathy
I promise  I will not let anyone make me feel like I do not deserve beauty,,,, love,,,,, happinness
I promise I will not let myself down.....ever again

The Distinction 2

5am I try and be courageous
3.15pm I try and be energetic
I watch flowers of the middle east
and I see what movies are on the cinema, what's new, what's up?
except
deep down I am only barely functioning, I am just about held on
the glue Im using now is way too soft
got no material
no strength
no potency
no long last
no success
no distinct features to ever make me buy this glue at all ever again
as I walk I thank god
as I see the flowers
I think maybe I should?
as I cry inside , I smile and push myself
why am I so heartbroken?
because I didnt try hard enough
because i spent my time doing other things when I should have been concentrating on what i was really meant to do
because i didnt care enough
all my life never had i been so underprepared for such an important situation
and i ask myself
how prepared am I for the final exam , when you meet the one and only
God?
will he say - that was fine
or will he say well done
excellent
I gave you a distinction
because you worked hard, you were dedicated, determined and I saw in you everlasting wonderful work
That feeling and not this one 

The Distinction 1

A new life buds from a remorseful day
I understand from today a very important principle
It is not the pain of having failed in something but it is the pain of having not tried that consumes you

A new bud grows from a terrible conclusion
I feel tricked
i Feel like I've tricked myself and so no one should take the blame but me
I feel like I've stabbed my self in the back and I feel like I've let myself down greatly

I ask myself
how many bad choices have you made
how many were voluntary , non voluntary acceptable and fatal?
too many is the answer, the answers being short and wrong
I ask myself
is this the pattern you want to live your life?

I ask myself again
are you second best or are you a first that didnt try
it doesnt matter now the result is the same
the outer appearance is the same
but I know deep down
I know in all my heart and in all my mind
I could have been distinct

for it all I ever want ed
to be distinct in God's eyes, my parents eyes, my familys eyes, and my eyes,


So now I ask the question
can I ever be distinct ?

I see.... your annoyed

So you try break me
I heard you were short
I heard you changed tactics
and here you are changing tactics
as I didnt let you win
I didnt let u in
and you wanna get me somehow
so you lose my concentration
and you try to break my determination
and you want me to make a fool of myself and
you want me to cry
becasue I didnt try
hard enough to fight you
and now time
is on the go
and I am so slow
to fear that is catching
but I wont let you
tommorow i will wear my most beautiful clothes
and the best perfume
the most attractive eyes
and I will speak like the queen
and I will ooze confidence like chocolate filling in chocolate cake
and I will be just right if not perfect
i iwll be perfect
because I beat you
and you are annoyed
I can sense it

but tomorrow I wll be powerful and young and healthy
and strong and I will remember it all and forget you forver
each day
each day I wake up
you are a little furhter away
and that kills you
but you are
because I pray
that you and I are like the east and the west
and its working
 

imagine if

Imagine if it all ended tommorow
you would never jump dreams or wear any types of skirts
you would never havae achance to smile or hold tea trays
you would never be able to live amongst chandeliers and family laughter
you would never be able to
you would never be able to
imagine if today was the last day
how would you live>
and live it 

I really like this skirt

I really like this skirt

Ya Rab help me

Ya Rab I ask for your help against myself and my miseries I ask you dont listen to me sometimes for I cry unnecessariliy and i smile wrongly and I close my eyes and see ugly and I open them and forget you
Ya Rab I pray you help me and save me from question I do not know the answer to and I pray you help me from stutters and voicec abscence and eyes that wither with embarassment for NO that is not me Ya RAb I wont to prove myself wrong and then others Ya Rab help me save me , Ya Rab let me be more than great more than grand more than amazing, inspirational wonderful, let me be more than life but never more than ignorance more than impatience more than wrong speed, Ya Rab I have only a few hours left, let me salvage my existence now and forever Ya RAB i ask your peace in my mind, Ya Rab this fight is ticking it must blow over ......it must blow over .....ya rAb let it be like ash on me, like silent villages or like  remission - of the dark