Saturday, April 25, 2009

I have a Diva side and I want to make it

I have a good side and I want to keep it

Being strong enthusiastic smart and proud

Identity mould sits wonderfully on my personality

and I am not cheating myself

I have a patient side and I want to determine it

never letting go at the early time

do not stop until I chase the end

I have a fantastic side and I want to embrace it

living on the edge of freedom because I let do with who I am

in the most creative and demanding of ways

because I deserve to know what it feels like to succeed

I have a beautiful side and I want to vitalise it

not just with creams and lotions

but with love and devotion

I have a Diva side and I want to make it

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

مسطول_The Crazy 2

مسطول اشترى بي ام دبليو بمواصفات خاصة فيها الكمبيوتر يصلح كل شي
دقش الباب اليمين
فرد الكمبيوتر:
يا أيها الباب ارجع كما كنت
دقش الباب الشمال
فرد الكمبيوتر: يا أيها الباب ارجع كما كنت
عجبته الحكاية قام طار بالعربية من فوق الكوبري
فرد الكمبيوتر
يا أيتها النفس المطمئنة
ارجعي إلى ربك راضية مرضية

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I have nothing more to say

I have to find a way
I have nothing more to say
I am killing myself everyday
Doing what I do in this untamely spray
Of disobedience to the body
I know it must be in agony
somewhere crying for me to STOP

I have to find a way
I am silent cold and grey
About the lost colours that I no longer array
For it is hidden behind gross confinement of a vast mishap

Never noticed

Never understood

I told myself that I would

I know that I should

I thought that I could

But I misunderstood

I have nothing more to say
I have lost my personal fray
By betraying what I had to display
As ones courage, involvment in life by commitment
I put down my swords and opened to punishment

I have nothing more to say
I am angry and I pray
That I can fix my terrible portray
Of a broken soul

I have nothing more to say
Except embarrassment and sick...ness
In the deepness of my embedded burning out energy
I have nothing more to say

Monday, April 13, 2009

Samihni Ya Rab

Samihni Ya Rab

Forgive me and all that I come with

I know it is up to you

To help me, to save me , to protect me

and I take that for granted, so much

Samihni Ya Rab

I am sorry, for I have sinned

in the dark, in the corners of my hidden agendas

but nothing can be hidden from you

and I am very silly not to appreciate that thought

deep inside I know when i do a mistake

you are watching

you are wondering

why is it I have not shown all the beautiful love I should show

you are dissapointed so badly

yet because you are most forgiving

most anxious to forgive

I pray,I beg, I cry

for your forgiveness

Samihni Ya Rab

I want to start again always

you never betray

yet I let you down

you never give up

yet I give up

I am sorry for looking like this

feeling this, feeling that

Samihni Ya Rab

Samihni Ya Rab

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Diva who changes

I am A collection of hope and pride
I want to do well
even If I defect in some things
I know that it is hard to maintain prospects and achieve goals
but it is important to stay alive when alive
I am sorry for all the wastes of time
but the real waste of time is to not take into account the future
Every day is a new chance
a new opportunity to survive
in a golden way
The collection of armor is up to you
you choose to be defened or bare
to be happy or not to care
about your life
I care about mine
And nothing damaging is allowed to get in my way

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The wrong thing

What does it feel like when you know you have done the wrong thing
when you know you have thought the wrong thing
and hurt someone just by thinking it?
feeling it
feeling like that?
what does it feel like when you feel so stupid and ashamed
for being so naive and silly
about something so vast and important
when you wanted to be better
but you were low
very low
what does it feel like?

Furiously Fast interpretation

Countless emotional response, waves the beginning of a race so loud in its energy it bounces of the radicles of my heart to run away into the nightly invisible

From withing the dark layers hidden and the angles ridden, I could fly and die, ryde and die into the stars of the blissful gangster soul - the faith of the engine revs its lust to dissappear into the horizon of a drivers beat - the foot and hand of expiremental awakening,


The fast depths within me sign to a rhythm of control, allow the hypnotisation of this crucial spot to grow, to envisage the end the way it must be


The furious magnifies to the effect of speed of temper and no peace, the dust rises to cover all the hustler feel - eyes stare into the others bullshit and the way the lies branch out to turn the key

THERE IS NO PEACE within me, NOW it is the destiny of tonight

and I part with evolution and welcome destruction as long as it buys me fame and a heart of steel

my wheels turn and scratch the surface of a joke

I want to race the future and wait at the other side for it to arrive

with a cigarette in my hand that I held for an hour or so....

Chasing my mind into corners of trouble until I beg for escape

Behind me is history catching up

Going to consume me with mistakes


I must not brake abroad in exports of time

where am I

How do I do this??

within the dark alley ways and mad prays

I could NOT get what I wish for

even though engines scream politely to the surface

I face that I may discover what it is I dream for

What it is I want to reach the sky for

In a background of artifact on streets I once walked on

now I pistol the stars to burst the truth

Burn marks or stretch marks of pain

there we are bound and they become wound in evidence

that I am lost in this page and that meaning, that story and that life

I am confused by that time and that effort, those temptations and those passions

the way they choose their freedom

and the way I choose mine

Thursday, April 9, 2009

just as i am about to...

My frustration is my recreation
amidst all the gaps within this unbelievable choke
I try and gasp
for a breath of comfort

But just as I take in the fumes of some commitment
It cries out again
from deep within me
I am so afraid for it to be heard

it consumes me

wakes me

I try and ignore it, and flush it
but ignoring is the new thinking

I know I am in the mouth of danger
the conquer of a slash of disgust
and the fall of an empire, a family

but just as I am about to forget
he does something and I cannot leave it just yet

I dont know what to do in this..............this
extremely dangerous path
its consequence will burn
and there will be no return

I need to scare myself to let it be
and believe that God will save me
and him
Please God do not leave us

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Love I search (1)

Speaking in tongues, the language is the dedication of a day in history when the desert spoke out it was no longer in thirst for water...for it had found the un despicable happiness twirling in the imagination of its skies, I looked for you somewhere in the passionate stars of the morning where the golden of the night had merged with the day, I found in the horizon farthest and closest when I thought it was impossible to find your swivel of chivalry and faith of vast magnitude, You found me, singing in prayer when I had called for you, every second since.
You gave me the freedom that I had asked for, all in my life to cover the seas of gold memory dangling in my arms, wrists and face with you...I came alive, thinking of the jewels that began in a past everlasting honeymoon when hours became seconds of an epic battle of a threaded story of fate that rejoiced in temptation that was a solid destiny of waters making rivers and surrounded lakes of harmony as one, I waited for you in the sunset before the dawn and the spiritual entanglement of our affections that would lust over into the sunrise and twilight of miraculous intervention, it was like well being in the dust that calmly slept outside the temples of glass locks...shattering to the forgiving of chance and truth, there was no reason not to open swirls into the ocean for you.
You walked near until your breath held mine and for a moment when you breathed I could feel the air dancing in my fingertips and making me... I knew you were staring into secrets I had hidden for so long, like satin of enchantments I could barely hold onto the delicacy of my hurt and fear that you curled into a new evolution of trust and magical delight, my hands burned for your design, searching to be told how to discover, my lips curving for their place in time, I knew my body was containing a volcano or a tornado of a lifetimes development of begging to look into your eyes, they are yours to keep and I
am waiting
for whenever
would ask for them.

Sense & Sensibility...Delicacy

Sense and sensibility 2008 bbc production is another of Jane Austens newly displayed passions with elegance and a haven production with wonderful actors and superb scenes and emotions entwined... this production is a vivid momentum of class yet unimaginable romance....

Saturday, April 4, 2009

What I'm trying to say is...

I feel contaminated with episodes of mistakes, like the disease process can be associated with the emotional outcast range of developmental lack of happy messages that I portray so ugly, what I’m trying to say is... My mistakes show, even thought I try to hide them and somewhere deep within the human race of individuality I have lost the trace of good existence, I have become unaware of the chances of balance and strength, I am only immune to committing self promises and owning sharp awakenings, I am not a good person anymore... what I’m trying to say is I am not a good person anymore, I have broken promises and poisoned souls, and changed minds ...myself..I have degraded myself, and I am sorry but it is very much too late to be unwittingly sad about the remorseful truth, artefact chokes blind of misery and I communicate a bland taste of relationship... what I’m trying to say is when I try to be good it comes out stiff and the person does not want to take my feed of challenging cheapness, that’s it...I am cheap with suffering a cruel talent towards myself, I have shown nothing but anger and ill fittings, I am ill fitting, like bound by the size of pain and illusion. What I’m trying to say is... I have lost myself into a space where i thought I was lace and dantelle screaming to be a woman of propriety and elegance recognisable by faith, warmth and strength, but passion of a woman went to the dark alley ways where I could familiarise nothing but insanity and impurity, and a stained mind recollecting broken glass from defeated battles that I should be hurt and bleeding decadence until I breakdown, and I become an awkward shallow part of the background I demonstrate so feebly , so momentously is the torment of impatience and greed, selfishness and lies...what I’m trying to say is lying to myself is a crucial entity of madness and I am afraid of losing my heart too in this connection of a violent exchange of feelings... that no – one has ever known about. And I try to keep it still, the fury of the black storm, the destiny of an evil witch or something of the sort...the secrets of a wicked day and shattered night...many nights... what I finally am trying to say is... Keeping the dusted hushes distant will never be reasonable as the answer lies in the heavens counting the closing doors and falling time opening in my face.

Love is not for me

What hurts is the dashing misconception of the wind that blows romance so unwillingly into my desires. Everything in me yearns for passion in waiting for handsome bodies to enter their soul. I search for the conduct of destiny in hope to find tranquillity in the existence of fury of love.

Love... I am tired in tying to define love...with all its attributes of wonder the sore bruises are too heavy on my heart. I drizzle with rain of memories and exceedingly smile feverishly about the future, but somewhere I cry cold to the air thinking about what if that air was thinner to understand my language that I breathe, countryside’s of poems and I always view the same landscape... love is not for me and with it i am never free.

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -