Saturday, September 20, 2014

some nice thoughts.....

The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be. Because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap

 Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock

 Fall seven times, get up eight.

 Promise me you'll always remember that you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you know

Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.

 When you're feeling your worst, that's when you get to know yourself the best.

 When it's dark enough, you can see the stars

a revalation.....

I press frantically to try get the page to open new post for I have so much kindness to say ad before it goes i have to type
I want to say thank you allah for bringing me here because i know you were kind to me and brought me where i could survive - where i could learn and where i could come to exist alone and yet with you
you brought me here for a reason and I think i know
to become a better me
to share
with you and him and others new
and to share with myself
all the details of growing up of making mistakes of being someone im not proud of and of being someone i am
I met people here that I am learning from
how to ... appreciate small things in life
like cutting up courgettes
I learnt that i am a better human being than i thought
but at times i can be devious , ugly and bitter
and worse of all////weak
i can be weak to let that horrible part of me succeed
and that sad part within me monsterise
but today i realiseed something
that no matter what
i am the better , i am good and that part always reign
i realised i dont hate people who have hurt me
i am deeply heartbroken by their actions and when i let that in - it hurts but it also soothes to know i am better than hating
i realised i can push myself to do something i am scared to do
like be there for 7 am where my heart will beat faster
i understand that i miss him deeply and all my actions hurt when im away
but i know that when i see him
i will fall in love a million times stronger and better and

in a silent house in the middle of nowhere but near the sea ...close enough to see the water and hear the ships
I suddenly realise that i am a good muslim
that i do love allah
and that he is close to me
for the the worst of times
and the lonliest ofthem
he makes it instantly alright
i am with him and he is with me

is with me

and i am the strongest
in this alienated space
this house that is and is not mine at the same time
for this is my space
and yet when i look around i miss my samsung tv and clean linen , flowered and sandalwooded with tradiiton
i miss my red kitchen


I am better than who i am and who i was
and i am cleaner than who i think and
i can believe to get what i want and what i need

when god wills

I am here
i exist
and i am near to everthing that i need
no matter how far it seems

I have prayed for time to run and it will
i have prayer for things to work out and they will
i have asked for special gifts and i know they will come
i have begged to be forgive and i know that he will

Y a RAb
lets begin again


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

deeply wounded

I cant remember the last time I actually vowed to do something and actually

i havnt done something in a while

i havnt been commited
or strong

and yet my dreams suffocate me
trying to explode


and  I still want to contain them

and yet i am here
with all this chance


escpecially today to be happy

but i am also tired of who i am

i cant believe im jealous ofwrong people

i cant believe i put myself in these danger zones

she cycles to her class

and i

dont even bother opening my praying mat on time

she is more dedicated than i am
she is more faithful than i am
in things that she does

isnt she the reflection i want to be
jsut a different edition
a better one

and the other one

cutting up courgettes like they were diamonds

and  i
just watch
wondering where the trust is coming from
where the lack of ego is coming from

i realised today im not a kind person
beginnign with myself
i realised today
i need help
but i looked in al lthe wrong reasons

i realised today

i am not anywhere near who i want or need or can be

no i
a pathetic woman
and ...
persuasive and demanding


history is true and never incorrect
and i am couched in sorrow just like on this couch
and i am

sorry for myself


Saturday, September 6, 2014

82_ Peaches....

So maybe the tables do turn
I am a cleaner place
body and soul
mind and heart
sanity and music
love and movies
health and intervention

feeling like this is the only time I can be myself, the only time I can free myself 
so BED Project resumes with 82 ways

Im going to find 82 ways to breathe again
no question
im going to reach within myself 82 ways and places
am going to fix myself 82 times
and am going to change myself 82 times
am going to listen to myself like ive never listened before
and am going to breathe better 82 times
am going to change 82 times and 
come forwards in my dreams
am going to anticipate and plot 82 times

I reach 82



Friday, September 5, 2014

just like animals....

we go we leave
time is precious
and yet it seems
I only waste more of it
administered so expensively
and yet unsaved so tragically

discovering new music is a life saver
but unable to keep promises is a heart breaker

today is my last day


suddenly it doesnt seem so bad
and yet i know
it was

its strange how we get accustomed to situations until

its ok

i know this wasnt ok
but i reached a zone where it was

maybe from tommorow i may be able to fry eggs and stew vegatables

i really hope so
because im sick of living so unnaturally

like animals

this was

I wish I woulc understand myself better
know how to conect all the unconnected dots
fuse up light inside me
and make me glitter
i wish i could ...change

like now
move homes
i wish i could move personalities and become someone i really need to be

this change i carve for
what is it though?
i dont thnk ive ever asked myself that question

its always i just want to change

but what do i wnat to change to
what is it?

to be continued

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

the wrong choices...from a left hander 1

I just wanted to say... Ive never felt so intimidated by anyone in my whole entire life. I suddenly had the urge to... bleed. All my past away. for I felt in that instance that i was the only reason for all my pain ain... largeness in life. For a plit second i really hated who iwas more than i could ever have. and i really wished i wasnt there. all i could thinkk about was/.// elegance that i hadnt achieved and love that i hadnt created within myself. how i really felt ugly and i really was. for a moment life paused and i could feel and taste and hear but i couldnt think or speak. i wasnt allowed even for i felt permission was refused by superiority of.... ability and she was able while i was not. Pure.... first and thirld world ranks i felt. I was from poverty. My whole insides were screaming with hunger although I havnt felt hunger for a very long time meaybe never , never inadequately anyway. never never been around food. always with me somehnow - and today i was surrounded and yet i was so alone. I felt.... stupid and silly for being there. because i was unfitting, the wrong jigsaw piece. the broken glass piece that wont fit back in the right place. all bits off. all parts heavy. all mistakes clear/ I could infiltrate thoughts.. God thats a bit too big. strange I had thought of that order - before her in my deep mind somewhere int he place where I still havnt ... created/ but I went for the wrong choice always.

Pink tie 1

new day
its a new day
without caffeine to control me or negativities to uphold me
without misery to target me
or drowning to choke me ..into my inabilities
only possibilities today

new day
like mangos
and pearls

like beatiful clothes and
sparkling shoes
like a great movie and
a wonderful kiss

new day
new way
inspired by inspiration itself
and moments that i want to make right
and the moment is now

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

target illiterate of dreams

time for a proposal
dont go back
only forward
if i  do say so myself

want to know
my whereabouts?

im somewhere between stuck and free

in love with myself/... and yet that bit consumed with essential misery

dont know why

I can shock myself with life music
baby couldnt you tell?

making a whole lot of ideas

and htats what i do

am the best at what i do
and yet

am not the best in who I am

feeling unsolid
already in love with myself
but never showing it

im a mess
yet too blessed to be stressed

life drama exists and i resist to give in
yet i never win
my chances
and i always give th wrong impressions
im a beautiful queen
yet I look a like a poor beggar of dreams

Love and affection
writing is my king
like him
and I do want to ask for the world
flying in his arms
and travelling the world
for the skies are our limit
and i exist only with his wings

wrong impressions
love and affections
too depserate for his touch
his mind
a sterling for his beautiful thoughts
and ways that consume me

its all unravelling
the secrets of his eyes
and the crevices in his life

dont slip
and yet i love slipping in his kiss

its repetitive
its the beating of my heart for him
and yet all ican think of

how dissapointimg i am
i am poor
in strenght
cold in my ways
and i cant work miracles

when i hold him close

its heartbreaking
my voice swells with regret
maybe it is my fault
and maybe Allah is with me always

i love her sweet entrance

i wonder what he will think that very instant
and that very delicate twindle of fate
that we are together again
in my part of the world

at least i can talk better here
at least i can sort it out it here
at least i can ..... forget here
and calamatiies are smaller

i think

she knocks on my door and that is a tragedy
i dont like being so close
to sin
and knowing this....woman
is not going anywhere but ....

I dont know its not my decision
but I just know

its calm somewhere around me and i have all the time in the world to type my statemennts away

but what is it that i want to state?

i miss my love for beyonce
she rocks

and is ./was my inspiration

and now i just keep her in a shelf in my soul
along with all the other beautiful things in my life

my mother tell me i have so much clothes
she asks why havnt you worn any of this?
i wonder
and if you buy anything you would just be stupid
shes right

i always buy and never use
buying makes me feel better
wearing my body i can never make glamorous


i have no love and affection for my body

but all that has to change
 for im sick of letting the unsuccessful with ssuccessful names consume me


15 weeks...

I wished I Was
I'm not jealous but I am


missing him
missing me
missing us

I think about all those times i didnt wake up and i ask myslf how long have i been asleep
isnt he my baby and shouldnt i ?

wake up

i feel sorry for him and hate myself
for soemtimes it feels hes still alone

Im not with him
although i love him so much
and am crazy about all his heart
and soul
and when he comes to mind
i could melt into oblivion

hey isnt it 15 weeks until we meet? !


Monday, September 1, 2014

September wishes.... back to the basics (writing everyday)

Crisp mornings ... plans and dreams
feeling scared
that they may all shrivel
or will they bloom?
my pains are upholding my present
and my present is in you
long lost love
although i know where you are
i want to be with you
there right now
in your arms
and yet i am cold
worried and afraid to be so

responsible and could it be inevitable
that my next few days are never changing ///will it be the same
or will it be precious or will it be identical
or will it be
filled with crisp mornings...plans and dreams

can mean a heavenly skin sensation as one leaves the house in the morning to feel a sharp, tangent vibrant spring in the air that leaves one ... deeply in love with day

or Crisp
a potato flavored savory with a high calorie content

which one will you choose?

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -