Thursday, March 27, 2008

أباليسو.. غض البصر - A Devil's Love 2 - Don't look

This series is so interesting, educational and most of all intimidating to the heart and mind of what a devils love really is - wicked and evil - and falling to our weakness and bad intentions are only the beginning of a losing desperate road if we ever do fall in love with a devils love -
Nothing makes us feel more helpless, and so torn apart, broken down and lost than listening to the devil-
Nothing is more harder than fighting the temptation to give in to whatever seems so reasonable and lustful at the time - but deep in our goodness we know its a powerful lie, defeat of a challenge - and nothing is less attractive than a quitter
This battle we should never give in to- to win ourselves and not let this fake devils love win us over temporarily and we need to prove to ourselves the meaning and loyalty that we hold internally, and keep our souls strong and clean for God to see.

I was really moved by this series called - abaleeso and I hope it will be a striking truth for young people to learn from (THIS IDEA AND THE REST OF THEM) -

Mysterious dancer

Mysterious dancer

Living her life

Trembling her ubsurd footsteps

to the beat of her dreams

to the soul of her motion

Street dancer

Walking junctions

Spiralling into the light

of the dawn harbor

of the city armor

Magical twists

To the light of the night

Fantasy rythmical

With her thoughts

This is what she wants

Sweet dancer

Asking for an eye

of spirit on her jump

Someone to catch her

So she doesnt fall

into the darkness of the winter

and let the snow whiten her

Only with a second chance to thaw

After the hardship melts

Mysterious dancer

Climbing to the top

Never wants to stop

Will not give up

Until she becomes whatever dancer that is in her heart

She will start from where she begins

Enchantment in her tries

Strength as she collides

With masters of failure

Never succumbing to failure

Mysterious stranger

To danger - THis dancer

Will not be threatened

From Life

This dancer

Will suceed

In whatever she dances

And she will present a magnificent show


I think I'm afraid of the beginning even though I'm already afraid of the end

Her blues catch her and become her colour
bruising all that good in her with stains of broken armor
she can't forget what she desires, its controlling her immortally
she becomes its slave, she's lost emotionally
weeping to the raining gash of her feelings
she cant stop bleeding
from all her pain and her suffocation
breathing with no air she only takes in regret
but that can't help her survive it never helps her forget
she's imagining dreams that are so improportionate
shattering grandeur trying to conquer any goodness she could ever have left
and she just doesnt know what to do
to become strong again
like a disease of minds is on her skin
trampling her beauty from within
she looks ugly to the core
she looks useful no more
she looks full of hate from opening this devils gate
free on herself
she looks torn apart but no one can see the rips
she hides so well everyone thinks she's a sweet sip
of value
but to her she's worthless
an empty unforgiven madness
chaotically defined
she's terribly ill defined
she wants to be somebody that just seems too hard
like the tools were all stolen from her to reach that
and she was given fake instruments to allure her into something that
is really not her
really not her
but she cannot see it
she cannot feel it
she only feels what she shouldnt feel
she only sees what she shoulnt see
she only becomes someone she should not become
and she is only insane about things she should not be insane about
she is
she is
she doesnt know what she is
she doesnt know who she is
she is scared
from herself
and from her soul's unpredicatable nature of immaturity and lack of control
and she is scared from burning her dreams without noticing she was the one who lit a fire
and she is scared from not being able to find what she wants
and she is scared from being forbidden and unforgiven
and she is scared from what she does not want to do
NOT change

her life is like a garment she just cannot fit into
her ways are like a crime she avoids to testify to
her mind is like a hole that is sieving out her true dreams
her heart is fading away erased by her screams

her time is running out and she has not done anything yet
her passion is mistaken for something that is making her regret
her love is chagning into a face she has never met
her anger is never subsiding as she continues to feed its debt

her moments are hating how many bad memories she is creating
her memories are begging that they not be blamed
her faults are increasing with every breath she takes
her cries are flooding every sound of change she makes

her room is dirtying as she stops to clean it
her room of sleepless nights are taking over every bit
of her sanity that she lost to the night
her eyes are chasing the shadows of the fight

her music does not save her anymore
her prayers do not hear her adore
her soul is not ready for anything in store
her angels have disappeared to someone with a better core

she clutches her eyes and her darkness prevails
but when she opens them bats of fury leave her pale
with whiteness - she is a ghost of her consequence
she is a shattering of her condolence

she has dissapointed even the silence of the dawn
she has let go of the beauty in her self
for an ugliness like a monsters roar
she hears its killing echo in her pour

witches and demons
for stars and sweet juice of lemon
battered cermony
of her falling heights

weakened testimony that she is alright
she is not alright
she is not ok
she is far away
she is visiting but has stayed
under the grasp of wickedness

''They say lucifer was the shiniest star in heaven, that is why evil is so seductive''

She wonders about that
Like Henry Tudor and Anne Boleyn
seduction, desire, passion, lust, control, murder
Hypnotic words.....
Hypnotic Love story

Monday, March 24, 2008

Monarchy of Desire

Lost in the shadows of overriding Darkness
I lose my senses to a power beyond my control
Where thinking about everything begins to stroll
In a path of dreams where my heart wants to roll
I imagine almost everything about my fall
Into the place where meaning is at the end of a never ending hall
Too many footsteps to reach the end –
Where bittersweet memories transcend
And glistening fairytales blend
Behind my closed eyelids
But something bothers me
Something makes me aware
Like a constant danger forcing me to stare
Back into the hushed up silence of my surroundings
Back I’m sent into the wonderings of my findings
Love, passion lust
Pain anger, just
My emotions are a must
To reap havoc in my sensations
I can never find the base to put on like perfect foundation
The light from the streets breaks through the window
Silhouetting my coldness in this frozen show
Life outside while I’m lying lifeless to the name
Of this traffic in my head driving me insane

I wonder can I conquer the bad side of me
I need to develop a management degree
To control all the unreasonable things that can overpower me
I need to control me
But then – how much are my dreams a part of me?
As I stare at the ceiling I wonder about you
Defeated by a strange whisper to find you
Engulfed by a mad want to have you
Never finding the way to stop you

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or is it lost beneath the masterpiece of its break
Somewhere after the horizons of its ache
The winter collides with my memories freezing all the loneliness
Its silent evil remains hammered to crack, dropped to shatter or left to thaw to ooze out through the slots of my sanity
In summer the heat burns my passion for you
It bakes constantly and I have forgotten to turn it off , its flames rise way above anything I can control
My passion for you, for this
I cannot even near touch, for fear it will consume me into a magnified response of black pleasure
Smoking to choke me after those summer nights
Long after those summer nights
The dark
It comes on suddenly and knowledge of light ceased abruptly to halt me into the shadows of decay without my begging
The cells of blackness wanted to turn me dark too
And they were winning amidst the storm of this evil
I seem to have become addicted to the invisible shine of the dark
Like maybe it’s dark velvet to touch, caress and see
When your mind becomes sprinkles with desire
Desire –
I step into you and everything tells me to step back immediately but it’s too late
That one step to your power – total monarchy of my heart
My hands are twisting for your embrace
My lips are trembling for your kiss
My body is softening like rotten fruit
A bitter sweet taste of joy and poison
I desire you and its poisoning me to the deepest flesh
Ripened disaster -

The dark, desire

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The effect of a moment

I want to channel all my thoughts - before they turn into a self centered time bomb
Disturbing the madness within the walls of my teary eyes and cold lips
Asking myself what is the difference between my memories and my day dreams
I smile to the high rise hypocrasy of my definitons and the paradox of my nightmares blurring into the corners of my most wanted wishes
What i want to hate and love to love - how suddenly hating changes into something i cannot stop thinking about - loving -
My mind travels beyond the horizons of this day - over and up in a fantasy where i lay -
of true love and sanity gathered into one - but the oceans bring madness as i kiss you forever, together as one -
But together isn't the word - its like we are 2 halves of the same person
To open my eyes and be dragged back down into the rubbles of my conflicting truth would be a sin of hope
But then i have given myself up to be hanged by the criminal rope - of not knowing what to do -
Findings and discoveries cease to confine me
Wants and desires are too weak to imprison me
Behind the shadows of my doubt
No doubt
''This is where i want to be - ''
I hate to love what i should hate but i love and i cant stop
Dreaming of this unforgiving chase of beauty
Where loss might be the end even though i have gained so much
But is there anything as such
To find ......
Deep and surfacing on my face, outlining my trace of needing your touch to contain the borders of my exploding heart - ''its like you need to save me - ''
A silver moon silhouettes my company
Joining forces with my passionate mercanary
Pouring its feelings through my window of a shadow up - lighted to always follow me
Translating what I want to hear, the information becomes so near
'' i know you are out there somewhere'' -
Hidden by spaces and openness of buzzing desires,
Broken streets connect to become a journey
Mountains of escapades and tornados of whistling adventures
Drastic tumbling into the unknown season of the moment
I am unreachable by reasonablility yet flooded by understanding
''i will find you'' -'' i want to find you'' - i crave to see you''
Nothing has been so clear and i am left so unsure at the same second in time
like something i love to love but hate to love yet want to hate and cannot - but love

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

As One

Muslim society
A shattered community
Should be a precious unity
But all I see is a broken technicality – of meaning
Missing gaps we cannot fill
Leaving jigsaw puzzles of loving god, unfinished raw and ill
Empty spaces we left time kill
Instead of using all the golden moments to save and not spill
Blood alive
Youth dies
Amongst the rubbles of our weakness
Somewhere in the luxury of our ignorance
The ties in our connections are forgotten
As each one walks away from the troubles we have all gotten
And can never solve without each others suggestions
But all we suggest is a malfunction of a fake devotion
Countries signing to break apart
Bodies living to breathe differently
To highlight a billboard of Islam insignificantly
Signatures of a tragedy
Who we are is just not being manufactured properly
Affected by a shortage of belief
Final product is labeled grief
And I wish Muslims would turn over a new leaf
Into a heaven on this earth where they don’t depend on substitutes
For God – for staying forever together – protecting each other
Chapters of a future written as a junk in pride
Right now we are a history not writing for our side
Never encouraging our generations to be proud of our determination
Our inspiration and our motivation to make god smile
I don’t know what is worthwhile
If fulfilling our name is not in the pile
Of our to do’s jingling in the car keys of our beginning day
Back stabbing play
And the game will end with our loss
All the right moves we toss –
And our head falls to the pillow comforting our vibrating mistakes
Temporary evaluation in an unthinkable reality
High above the skies somewhere our souls are allowed life as we sleep
I wish I didn’t weep – from the intellectual madness we serve
I’m going to reserve my energy
To begin a prosperity in my dreams switching it into reality - truly

Dream Faither - Cool Islam

Sunday, March 16, 2008

A devils Love - chatting الإنترنت

This series is so interesting, educational and most of all intimidating to the heart and mind of what a devils love really is - wicked and evil - and falling to our weakness and bad intentions are only the beginning of a losing desperate road if we ever do fall in love with a devils love -
Nothing makes us feel more helpless, and so torn apart, broken down and lost than listening to the devil-
Nothing is more harder than fighting the temptation to give in to whatever seems so reasonable and lustful at the time - but deep in our goodness we know its a powerful lie, defeat of a challenge - and nothing is less attractive than a quitter
This battle we should never give in to- to win ourselves and not let this fake devils love win us over temporarily and we need to prove to ourselves the meaning and loyalty that we hold internally, and keep our souls strong and clean for God to see.

I was really moved by thisseries called - abaleeso and I hope it will be a striking truth for young people to learn from (THIS IDEA AND THE REST OF THEM) -

Friday, March 14, 2008

Life in ransom - Move it better

Inspiration Phase
Beautiful transformation
Never inconvenienced
Forget fears , dark memories
Dry your eyes
Don't touch drama
Protection regime but Keep Loving
Need the world
Work hard
Update choice: Dream inside
Unveiled Pearl

Look Brighter

Stand solid

Temptation on every level to live without a problem

Interior colour buzz

Complete progress

Can't fail

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Echoes in my mind_ ( Dissapointment)

I wonder about failing latitudes high in my heart
About the oceans of tears that drown me apart
The disappointment from myself, dries me away
Into a far away desert where my soul is forced to stay
Away from my hurt and anger and loss
Open heartbreaks and pain is the boss
I feel ashamed of what I be
I feel loudly shadowed from all I see
Nonsense they’ll think and laughter they’ll envelop
Sending me misery that I will develop
Broken broken through a memory stolen
Forever appointed –with a heart disappointed

Domestic violence - (POW)

Really meaningful picture of words - how domestic violence is so hidden - women secretising it because they are afraid of what could become until they have to show it by an x -ray of a broken hand or leg - the bracelets and ring in the picture are a subtle meaning of the hypocrasy a man could highlight - showering gifts expensive yet also providing pain -

Saturday, March 8, 2008

A try of hope

I’m sorry god for all the pain, when I take your name in vain
When I take for granted the kindness that you’ve given me
I feel so ashamed that I couldn’t be
Someone you could ever be proud of –

Feeling that you are angry shatters me to the core
I break within me knowing I should be more
A believer, a giver before a taker, a patient dreamer
Someone who isn’t a cheater – to the expedition of Islam

You give me all the right signs, but I insist to take the road misleading
Like a fool walking
Not knowing now where is the true way
Desiring I could find it and stay

Letting your sunrise prayers begin me
Your afternoon prayers consist me
Your late afternoons continue me
Your sunset prayer cleaning me
And your night prayer fulfilling me

Your words are the gold expensive material for the heart
Like diamonds where I cannot part, with their crisp wake to my imagination
As each letter was sent to beautify and complete this world
Encircling one promise forever told

Beads turning with the fingertips of my love
I wish that they could be strong enough to reach the one above
I beg within me they collect to design me into a girl with a dress of forgiveness
Subhan Allah, Alhamdulillah (thank you), Allahu Akbar (God, the greatest)
Please God don’t give me a face of blackness

I’m sorry for all I do wrong
I’m sorry for the bad memories I’ve hung
For all the days I wasn’t pure enough to be a Muslim
Radiating your energy into falseness so dim

Sometimes I wish I could change back time
And believe in the rhyme
‘God is watching.
Act like you know’
All my actions are like a show
And you are the honest grader – seeing how I flow

I wish I could impress you and make you be proud of me
But my film is losing as you see
As I lose my identity – to me
As I gain nothing but misery

And then I pause as floods of your hope expose me
To remembering that you are the nearest to me
And you are the forgiver so I can be – a new chance to save me
Clean again for you to see
And if I ask for your help, Inshallah you will give it to me

Friday, March 7, 2008

Echoes in my mind_ ( The other part of me)

I fear that within all my interconnected lines – a deep dark soul finds its roads to continue – of the beaten track – where I’ve lost the evidence to convict its black – memories against me - pressing argumentative treason and all the wrong reasons to commit unmistakable mistakes through the drama of my life and fractioned dreams. I am (in – contactable) with myself, asking my eyes why they cry glass tears killing me, asking my breath why it gives in to contaminated air , suffocating me– falling and falling through the cracks that open wider as my damp hearted feelings dry - as my emotions fry – under a ruthless sun baking my fantasies into a bitter trauma – I am tasting of hurt – cooking madness – eating it all nonstop – as if hypnotised by an evil explosion of no control - and silent awakening of a confused master – within a surface glaze – seemingly undisturbed by any saga of this peeling mind - my desires weaken me as my faith abandons me – embarrassed from my betrayal – moments of a fool – seconds meaning nothing but calculable giving ins - I have so many unmanageable wants – all asking the same thing – to be heard loudly – but I cannot listen to all without straining myself beyond un repairable stretch – tampered with smile – torn from the stress – fingertip mess – splodging too many flaws on my no longer fit paper that once had the meaning of me spelled correctly – now it’s a failing exam- none of it is up to the standard of what I’ve become – a forgettable hum – even to myself – even though that’s never how I intended it to be – I desired to reach all the goals I wished upon –under the sun – but now I’m over the dark- thinking about my broken mark – where I no longer have a point to conquer – and I wander – somewhere in the depths of a misunderstood capturing galaxy – twisted in its laws – bursting with flaws - adapting me in its shape – an alienated escape – questioning my foreign, very foreign, foreign home – built in the undiscovered shadows off the motorways of my veins after the bypass of my heart – turning after my mind and driving into my soul but just after my dreams and finding a space of a place in the wilderness of that area that lies disturbed – and curbed – with frustration -

ا لبرج الفاتح من الداخل

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Nice Prayer

God -
I ask you to take away worry, sadness, laziness, selfishness, cowardness
Forgetting Islam and being weakened by men -

Traditional Sudanese Food

This tray shows the ta3miya, meat (fried and in sauce), white cheese, the spice and for dessert the shi3ariya or sweet noodles

A typical image of how Sudanese food is presented - the round metal tray has been in the sudanese kitchen as a basis for every presentation - The 'foul' or brown beans is of course the traditional staple food in sudan along with ta3miya - ''falafel' and Tahina salads garnished with olive oil and olives and a simple green salad with roquet, tomato and onions.

There are a lot of traditional drinks the one shown being - '3aradeeb' -

There is hilu mur - or 'abra'

Karkada - Hibiscus


Saturday, March 1, 2008

Khartoum Heartbreak 4

'She clicks her mp3 tune - Complicated by Robin Thicke'

I wish I could change - I wish I could change - I wish I could stop saying the same old things - I wish I could be - Who you want me to be - I wish I could stop being the same old me - I wish I could lose - All of my blues - I wish I could stop putting my blues on you - I wish I could love - Like nobody loves - I wish that my goods outweigh my bad......

'The song of her reality'

I wish I could stop dreaming of you
Skies bruised from my hurt
You are too out of my league
Like a champion I can never race with
Pain drawing my insides
With a colour that weakens my soul

Words that only tear me
Words that never spare me

'Cage the stars'

The sky glitters with tropical stars twinkling upon the hushing african city. Flavors of young mother's poverty outweigh in bitterness as they tremble on the vast mudded streets collecting darkness, struggles of defeated men driving their battered cabs from the dawn of the day, sorrows of closing stalls where sales were exctinct once again.

'The night has a million stories to tell, more than a million shadows to hide.'

Over the silently stricken River Nile of magical fairytales there is a dream of living, surviving and offering the hand to continue the journey to a purpose for tomorrows determined generations to find success in whatever they desire. The waters ripple with existence, emotion, devotion for its country and the waves over rided by prosperous traffic become the basis for this never giving up population.

'Yet she is locked '

Over my heart as I watch the eyes of the city watch into a new day, as I hear the Lungs of Khartoum breathe, as I take in its memories and feel it yearning to make new ones Tomorrow - There is a sheet of memories from deep within me

'Trying to break free.'

Dream Faither... Love the one above

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -