Wednesday, April 29, 2015

dont be like this

its tupid to be sad when theres no need to
look at people who have every reason to be sad and theyre
not
its poor to be sadwhen you have everything to be happy
I know that Allah is trying to help me and teach me a lesson
and i know that i am weak
but being sad only makes me weaker



im stuck in this whirling cycle of imagination and wishing
cant even see i have what i wished for and what i should be happy about
cant even see
cant even feel
cant even try
just being sad all the time


its notright
its not
and i wont be like this
dont want tobe like this

ill never get anywhere like this

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Feeling... Like losing and giving up

Beautiful morning come my way
I miss writing About things that come my way 
Things i appreciate and things that i needlike a breath of 
Fresh air or a morning breakthrough
Or a prrayer ontime
Or deep henna on my hands or feet
Or maybe even a zumba class
For i realised sitting locked up on the edge of the planet 
So high from stability and quite close to danger really
I just truly didnt like who i was
And people were starting to notice
For i conducted myself in a vile embarassing manner
Each second losing
A part of me and begging for existence
And now here i am
Begging for existence inside me
Hoping that my variables will not be a limiting fActor
But this month im not going to do anything but look for red
As i kno i dont deserve this beautiful thing to happen to me
And thst my variables are just too big
My body ... Hates me
Its just too much how much damage ive done
Like how noone can make you think what u truly want to think about
My body is not thinking except what its decided
And my heart is broken
But this time
I must start again
Using an iron theme
Using a faithful background
Beliveing
Asking for forgivenes
And losing
Yes losing
And most importantly
Giving up
Dont think
Just do




Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Sent from my iphone_ my confidence

If i lose my confidence
I lose my world
Its my guard my security
My flavour
And my ability
My confidence
Believing i can be who i want
Do what i want 
Say what i want
And actually do all those things
And Not be afraid
Sometimes i come arrogant sometimes showy sometimes proud and those are all things am willing to change but also theyare young compared to the darkness i would encounter if i was aconfident
And yet.... I am aconfident
Feeling like am not myself
So occupied by things i have no control over until i wither
Until the things i do have control over 
Are miserably done



Sent from my iPhone

remedies 1_ true to myself

hi there....

I miss the my world shining and my life singing
I miss that beautful young lighting joy within me from being kind
truly truly being kind
imagine.....
someone dying for a baby and someone dying not to have one

I think about myself and all the things lately that ive been doing
I think about that email and about hes right - she does love me and is kind to me
and is my important person to adore and appreciate for she does fill the house and does have  a place that i need to respect and appreciate

tell me...
how would it feel like to have one
a young liveone
a small life or soul in your arms
i dont know
ive never written about it as i have love or other  things
maybe im too embarrassed to say i want something so much
i cant imagin what i would do
how i would look at it
and how i would hold them
and what they would be wearing
and how it would feel like


everything

i think about it very hard and closely and i think
will it come ?
as i have begged for other things in the past


really do i have a problem
or is my only problem that i havve a black heart
i do
have a black heart
and maybe changing that will help things

i wonder about my pains
and my miseries
my tongue and
my insanities
my true ones and my really true ones
maybe i shouldnt have spoken
do I feel better?
i dont know
or do I just have more thoughts to think about
like what is he thinking

I dont want to be like this
i dont want to be unhappy when i should be happy
sad when i should be ecstatic
cold when i should be warm
mean when i should be kind
lying to myself when i should be honest
weak when i should be brave


no
i want to be openly brave honest kind warm and ecstatic
for i deseerve to be all those things and i deserve to spend my expensive time on those and not being obsessive jealous mean cold unhappy and bitter
and worse
selfish
and worse
a complete lying to myself
for i should know and realise that that is the worse and yet easiest thing i can do to myself
and it is  the hardest but best treatment i can offer myself


to be true to myself




 

Sunday, March 29, 2015

hi again just

hi there

feeling like the world is upon me and i am so very very small
i ask myslef
why out of all people i met them that saturday in Ozone
answers run through my head
ones that make me cry
ones that make me fear but
ones that make me need
and ones that make me dream
and ones that make me angry\
but ones that make me realise
it must have been to save me
or to change me
or to show me
what it is im missing
all because of stupid thought and stupid ways
and a terrifying imagination
and atragedy which i had no control over
talking about it helped
but truly you will  never have control over it
you can only have control over yourself
like his dream
a glass of milk to you having no space for that
and like yours
you saw that little gem just lying there asleep
you did
so dont fear
but do try
very very hard
and stop imagining
start dreaming
stop crying
and start smiling
and dont give up your job!
and dont be afraid of anyone

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Im here for ...work

Im here for love
To try love who i am 
And what im doing
I seeno point in running
Running
And not having any moment to breathe
To identify
To truly love
I am a time eater
Suddenly gobbling it all up and not eve feeling full
My time is expanded useless
And scattered
I am unable to sharpen my thoughts and manifest truth
I feel scared
Because
All i want is to be someone
But am worried this will never happen
What happened to that girl tough and smart
Not the one she thinks she is
The one that is
I miss myself
I miss who i am
I miss my role in life
I miss having identity and lmeaning
And worse i miss being right
Not always in the wrong

Saturday, March 7, 2015

a new me?

I dont know what to do
am blue....
ate all those... and now i dont see you
feeling the start of bad luck
or my faults pain
feeling like hes gonna hate me and him too
promises
broken
lost

sad
all what i didnt want to feel
ads for Ramadan are here
and I am not even in existence
Where Is ALLAH to me

well if it wasn't for my big mouth
i might just find him
and you....
its M& T now
but hell never forgive me
here i am splattering my anger and looking like an evil monster
hating who i am
he
did not make me this way
and so i dont deserve


but this is not what i want to feel
breaking his heart
and yet he buys megold
feeling lost and gittery
too much tea
or incorrect hormones?
feeling stretched
in all the wrong ways
this is not what i want to do with my life

worry
be lazy
be unahppy
be unhealthy

see she lost her life in an instant
and now she just has to dream about it a wonder away
and i
push it away
happiness and making my own luck


push it away



 

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -