Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Turn this page- and live

IF i had to write a poem on the most important day of my life and how my life will be an how i feel
And how i know will change forever
I dont know what the words would be
How the lines would go
How would one describe their emotion or their fears
Their hopes or their dreams
Or their moments of despair or excitement
Amd suddenly the silence is peaceful yet boring
And the excitement is tormenting but pleasing
And the fears are haunting but necessary

I realise that from today
I cannot look back
I cannot think of who i was
I cannot think of what i did or how i treated or how i thought
Or how i did or did not endure life
I realise that from today
My positivity and strength and responsibility must conquer
I realise that everything must stop
So that everything can start
Amd everything will be ok
For allah is with us and i will never be i again
And even in i - i will be transformed
Will be complete
Will be just simply found
And will forget
All things and turn the page of history
For here i am
Life bringing me to this point
Of calm
Of inner peace
And yet of a storm
That i know i will pass
And the answer lies within me
And from me and by me and through me
From now on


Saturday, November 26, 2016

Lost in thought

Theres a lot going on
Good and bad
Scary and new
Refreshing and old
Within bounds and out
Losing and winning
Being thrown off guard and knowing
Believing although not deserving
loving although love is far
Censoring life although its so close to being raw
Hoping and wishing
Just not quite there
Where am i
How has life gotten me here
The young woman in the same place
In the same moments as before
Just completely different
Just completely shattered with thoughts and fears and hope and dreams
And everything in between
And nothing that is still here
Oh i dont know
I feel completely isolated
Completely un ready
Completely sad and happy
Completely heavy and light
At the same time
But my mind is unused
My mind is stolen from the natural and unnatural
My mind is the universes
Not mine
And yet everything is mine
And i remember the 2 week wait. How painful
How amazing
That am at the end
When i was always at the beginning
Always and never
And now am here
For the first time

Sunday, November 20, 2016

A new beginning starts with loneliness

Theres a miracl inside me
One i didnt knowcould exist
Filled with peace

And outside there is Just disaster
Filled with pain
UnnecessAry pain
And what teaches you to grow
To grow different
To grow strong
To grow strange from that which you knew
From that which you heard and took hold of
That which you took hold of deep down and thought well or  bad of
But you held deep
To your heart
And you could feel and you could fight for it
Really fight for it
And you knew there was everything behind you
And suddenly
You are all alone
You are forgotten
You are lost
You are thrown overboard
And you are unaware of whats become
Like when theres just a new language u have to live by
And the old one is forgotten
And how nothing makes sense
And how you are so hurt
The anger and pain is just too much
Like ice in a winters night jabbing at your warmth of trust
Of comfort
Of life
And that ice shivers it
Breaks it
Cuts it
Moves it
And you have nowhere else to go
Well i do
Have somewhere else to go
And its to my miracle
To my existence
To change
Change that i want and accept
Not the change that is forced upon me
Never
And although am hurt
I will leArn to live and understand that hurt
That feeling of loneliness
Of distrust
Of lack of love in a moments heart
Of the great shift to just simply leaving you alone
For i am not alone

And i will accept my pain and live it

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Just stop

You may not be the same person you where 5 minutes ago
A simple walk can change your whole life
A dofferent plan
Another way
And you say
I am on another plane
Another route than the one i was before
And its time to accept that
For otherwise there is no dofference between u and that heroine woman
Its not about fighting or resisting
Its not even about changing
Its just about accepting
About relaxing
About believing


Now i only see a woman
Just
So
Desperate
Honestly
Just so
Desperate

Monday, October 17, 2016

M&A... so in love , so out of touch

For from the moment he walked in through that big door my whole life changed. It grew. It surpassed all my love and expectations. He loved me for who i was and i knew that my heart was his. For he was perfect. Perfectly sweet . Perfectly kind. Perfectly honest. And he was mine amd he was mine forever and i just dont even know how to begin being thankful. And now here i am  a part of him like a flower growing and i just want to cherish it and water it and nourish it. And i want to say to Allah
Whats wrong with me? Why am i like this? So far away from my faith , from the goodness you have given me. I am sorry. Please help me and save me for i just dont deserve
Dear allah
This time i want to do everyrhing differently
Like become in love with faith again
And i want to not worry about things
Except those of the mind
Like beauty in knowledge and love and health

For i have done things a certain way
And now i want to do them differently
Cleaner

Ya allah you are my love
Faith is my love
He is my love
She is my love
They are my love
My family
And i just want to be a family
I want to be with him

For he makes me melt
Makes me love so deeply it hurts
Makes me cherish my breaths and who i am
Makes me glow to the whole world
Makes me connect
Makes me disastrously sweet
For i taste his love and its like the only thing i need to have
I love him
And i love m and a

But the a , i has changed
Its become ... lost
So lost
Like a fragrance gone wrong
I am so lost
And this is the time to believe
For i have lost believing in myself
And now i know
I cannot move forwards without changing that
Without being that woman that
Is the fragrance of time elegance and strength
And most importantly
Faith
For i know i can be better
Do better
Think better
Achieve
Want better
Even have better
And i know there is so much more out there for me than a small office and a purple laptop
And its time to figure that out


To be continued

Saturday, October 1, 2016

M&A- am ready to give

Ive got so much to say
Its nowhere near how i feel
Like all these raw beautiful emotions 
Turning me into something i need to be
And all these intricate ways making me something else
Better
For he is better
And i feel fear
And i feel happiness
Ans i feel everything i should and shouldnt and its all that i am 
But theres still so much more
And so much else
I love his arms
The warmth and the pride
The honesty
I just dont care about anything else
Except all thats to do with him
And i miss him terribly 
Even when hes gone for a few hours
And i feel this 
This
Deep ache when i do something without him
And i feel like im flying 
When i do everything with him
And i do everything for him
And my tears fall when i think of his eyes
They glisten they turn around with truth and kindness
And i love his smile
And i love his ways
And i even love when he makes me mad
For it only makes me forgive him more
I just want to be with him
I just want to be there for him
And i just want to be the goodness he needs
The sharing of my heart with his
And im ready to share everything with him not just me
But what i can make and what i can give to him
The life that he needs and is waiting for 
Im ready to give



To be continued


Thursday, September 15, 2016

Indian jasmine

Theres something calm about a chaotic house
When u cant hear but only your troubles
And the whispers of damaged things
When you cant understand why you dont fit in 
Or why they dont like you
Although honestly you do love them
Admire them 
And love going to them
But they probably only dont like you
And theyve never come visit
I wish maybe upon too good a things
Like very good things
I dont even know i deaerve
And if i open my heart there are only wild untamed flowers in there
And dry leaves and maybe a soren of help 
And turmoil
For i am the bad manager of my life
And i am the dissapointment of myself
I am the angey of my sorrow
And the pain of my disasters
I am my own never after
And whenever i go to the angels that dont like me i think
Maybe im just the devil i cannot see
And because of their pureness they can
My insecurities fall and tumble in their garden and my shame i sip in their orange
Today i felt worse
Like they didnt even ask me how i was
And that my mum was a poor cook
I know im exxagurating
But i really am not my emotions
I always feel simply... Broken when i go
Like i have no goodness
Like i have no emotion
Like i have no life or worse that what i like what i want and what i feel they will always hate 
They will laugh at my judgement always 
And they will laugh at my stupid choices
For they hate indian jasmine trees
And i .... Dont
And theyll never come visit me out of the soulfullness of their love for me but i ... Will
And theyll never want to have anything to do with me but i ... Always will i guess
Cuz im weak 
Like ill never wake up for subuh or ill never finish stuff i need and ill never ever be the womqn i truly want to become
And now here i am ridiculing myself
Trying to open myself bare and its just too sore
Trying to open myself to know and its just too wild
Who am i really? Where have i come from and where am i going? 
Do i really deserve all these good things
Or dont i? 


What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -