Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I was so happy xxx



CATHARSIS - the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.


Letting my hair down
and looking out at the mid afternoon sudanese rubble
its a Wednesday late afternoon -  normal
i make yogurt salad and realise i am fighting a battle

to be happier
more importantly to believe I am happier
more more importantly to live every second of my life
being happier

for i realised
today that
I am a very selfish person
and in no way do i delve into the surreal beautiful portrait that is my life
yes
I enjoy my life
and i love who i am
i love my hair
and my eyes

I love my taste of music
my taste of fashion
and my body

yes
today ive decided no more being held hostage by myself
I have fallen in love with my life
honestly
I am adidcted
to my life

and i will be happy as long as i can
i will be happy using my own eyes and tranquility
diffused into my heart
my own mind
im responsible for that

no more
no more

anger catharsis
no more sensitivity
catharasis towards the known and the unknown



 

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Luck fate? Or allahs decree

I wonder
Like the way i think about things and do things is it correct
Or 
Maleficient 
Easily swayed between the right and wrong
But i am never wrong in the fields of honesty
But what is the distinction between a silly act and evil
I didnt mean to
I cant remember
I am sorry
I am here to do good
And thus allah does good for me
Good that i would never dream of
And be of
If it wasnt for his kindness
His love
His looking after me
And so
When i dont look after myself
That is evil 
That is true wrong
That is real wicked



Friday, February 6, 2015

Chocolate cake insside me

Chocolate cake
Coming from a bad thought
To be a great night
Wishing upon massive dreams
Wondering and hoping for the best
Imagining the best futur
With an amazing family 


...,
Am scared


From life 
From that future
From myself
From that terrible soul
That wont let me
From pain
From worrying about others when i have more to worry about
From too much excitement 
From dissapointment 
From hatred 

... From not praying alsubuh on time 

From being ...
A divine chocolate cake
And not giving any away

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Waiting for henna

Shuda woken up earlier
Lost now in waiting
Hope things work out
Will itbe flowers or architecture
?
Wishing all my life options were so pretty
Yesterday he makes a home video
I love home baking
I love tea parties
No more luxury
Although i do think my stuff is not luxury
And Its expensive  
Dont know still have puff pastry
And chocolate cake
Lost i tell you
Lost


Monday, January 26, 2015

looking afar to look near

Its not how many breaths 
u take in a moment... 
Its how mNy moments 
that take your breath away



a quote i overheard while sitting in a cafe somwhere 
ot0day very far away 
from me 
next to a beach 
while now im in a desert
next to water and cold and the tip
while now im in the heat and centre
 
 
time changes... and rapidly 

sent from my iphone_ different

This is hard
Im weak
Not myself
Cant defend myself
Am tired
Am bored
Poor him i think im having a bad day
But hes having all sorts
Smashed glasses
Smashed phone
No visa
And no money
But thats ok
Whatever happens
Im here for him
Love of my life
It feels strange that i am doing this for him
I like it
Very much
Am scared
But i like it

sent from my iphone_bootcamp for faith,,,

Whats happening to me.... Am hungry
All the time
But here i am fasting with a year istigfar and a year after
I love how god just swipes in an instant the devils hardwork
Soo easily
So quietly
so humbly
yet so grand...
No majorities
One god
Thats it
I need a bootcamp for faith
For 2 weeks 1 hour a day i will learn
Read love faith again
Yes
Starting from today
Youm arafa...
Today iis the 3 rd october
In 11 days ill have no days left and the day that comes will be a countdown
 to momen coming
I miss him
A lot
And i miss how safe i am with him
I wonder
Will i be that woman waiting in an airport or train station kind and happy
And true with herself??

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -