Get off the motorway 1

I
am reunited with a crossroads once again
here in a few moments I have a choice once again
I have a way to either cry to either die
or to either live
to want something good or stay wanting the easy
to dream in the depth of fantasy
or to swim back from to the shore
in a few hours I will have a choice
to eat from facebook or to eat fruits and vegatables
to write whats smart in me or to rhyme whats poor in me
to be a normal ordinary woman or to be a unique extra ordinary woman

I
am given a junction i have been on the motorway for a long time looking for a junction to exit
looking for a way to change lanes and directions
searching for the right way to make it onto a new path
keep driving in the wrong direction
there is no other way
for the road behind you cannot walk back on
just ahead
just ahead
and now for the first time in a long time I see a  junction opening
headed - ' next exit for hope'

there is a problem
...the lane is small, tight , not well tarmaced bumpy, not enough lights, very steep
very uncomfortable

I
 look to the other way
oh so easy
big big motorway
well lit
well straight
well known
headed ' stay on motorway for devils ville'
such a beautiful road


all the nice dreams are littered on the sides as restaurants to eat in
all the nice fantasies are dotted as hotels to stay the night in
the most nicest journey it seems
look! look at that dream flyover! if i take it i will drive even faster to devilville
oh look at the free sleep !
i could be happy on this motorway
but one day one day a deep pain says inside me
the motorway will end
and one day I will reach devilville....

I
pull really hard to take a look at the junction i have one chance to go on

next exit for hope
next exit for hope

my body hurts
my mind splits
NO!
stay here
my eyes cry
my fear comes alive
my soul screams
I WONT HELP YOU
HUUNGER
FEAR
LONELINESS
attack her!
she must stay on this side of the way


my heart beats faster
it doesnt knw what side to be on
......

I
fight
to steer the hydolics of my life's direction
the wheels screech
NO!
attack before she rides on the right road!
my eyes roll to the motorway once more
I can see the difference
who would want to go on such a difficult road
and leave the big big motorway
the one where you can have all you want in the journey
the one where you can stop anytime and do anything you like and never feel hunger or pain


I
feel nauseated
I feel weak again
the junction is here now
its comnig i hvae one more chance
my hands are heavy
my hands are numb
I am heavy with trying to combat my desire to stay on the comfortable motorway and between my deep knowledge that this is the wrong direction
the right direction is so hard and unknown but it is the way to hope
sccrreeeeeccccchhhh!!!
I take the junction........


TO be continued/.........

between dreams & danger 1

lost in between
and yet the centre is clear
I feel torn between how my heart wants to feel about someone
and how it should feel
I feel torn between my good dreams and ugly dreams
between my soreness and my comfort
i feel sad that sometimes I have to hide, hide things
thing s I really want to say, things I really want to say
but there is no way
that can be
here I am today
dreaming of something i didnt dream of before
ever ever before

and now I think
 this is really what you want...isn't it
do you really want what you've been dreaming bfore or was it pretending for you?
i feel unloyal
i feel confused
but most of all i feel shattered into existence collecting my own pieces
through an underground suburb
most of all i am afraid that i am losing and not winning
that i am erasing a part of me each day with anew one
but in reality i am fading out myexistence
the toll will come
and I am on the motorway
wondering how am I ever going to pass the crossbar.............

to be continued..........

_________

16-50.5

you just wait why dont you until it bcomes 51-50.5
it wont take long it wont take long
I break again
I miss again
i fault it bad again
i find sanity in the insane
I lose voice over myself
i lose control over myself
i miss out all over again
i miss out all over again

simple poem about the love I search

it's true I am looking for love
its funny how when im given it even a little
I hate it
its totally the wrong person
it repulses me
and yet secretly I ask for love
I beg for Gods love
and I beg for my own
and I beg for the handsome soldier how I am yet unprepared for


I can never find love in any song
I can never find love in any story
not the way I wany
always always there is something missing
there is something broken
something that I want to add
and if I dont control it
it grows and grows and grows
until I lose

crack the viscious cycle
stop the untitled mess
lose the viscious fury
of a useless stress
think of a new way
think of a newd ay
where you dance
where you invent
where you become 'hoyija'
no where you become the hope you always wanted

 hey little secret dont say a word
im looking for the man who loves his lord
the one who understands all I mean
the one who shares with me this beautfiiul deen
 the one who loves me for who I am
young, sexy, faithful and sharing his plan
of life, love, honesty and lust
I am looking for a man that i can trust
minor details i cannot draw
but how he makes me feel glows and glows
back and back to true good love
I dont want to share him with the one above
no i want him to love god everyway he can
and then love me in his religious plan
yes I want to be his precious wife
who he madly loves all his life
but I also want to be my own woman
one who lives and dies for God as a faithful human
one who depends on quran and family alone
and is never alone
is always strong
confident and rarely wrong
not proud or arrogant
just beautiful



yes I miss beautiful poetry

getting my life back.......

waking up after a long nightmare
I look around to find the remains of a beautiful woman
torn by tears
having been lost by her fears
and betrayals
waking up after a long time
I realise the only bad dream I ever had
I created
waking up after a long vision
there is no vision
but success
now
my heart is my own
my soul is going to learn love
true love
not fake lust
 in myself I will trust
with my mind I will challenge
the world
I will challenge them all and
I will pass
I will pass it all
with flying colours
because i deserve the best
 and inside me there is the best woman

there is the most faithful woman
there s t he most beautiful woman
there is the most traditionlly modernwoman
there is a woman with utter respect and knowledge
there is a woman who will show herself
who will show herself..........

In an alleyway behind the nile_ forever gone

Here I am forever on still wondering about the alleyway behind the nile
I stop thinking I forget I want something else I hate I ignore
and then I remember -
I remember the years, the car window I used to rest my shoulders on , a young girl with lots of imagination and sweet love and beautiful things to give , untarnished, unbroken and so very urgently happy, as I travelled through bridges to reach parts of khartoum I only cared about the journey for it led me to him -
I prayed and prayed and prayed by his name directly by his name alone I prayed he would be mine I prayed and prayed he would be mine with no fear with no consequences with a thousand whispers as I could enter and as many prayers I thought the angels could carry
 I really believe and I am certain I was madly in love for summers I thought only of him for summers I died to go to him lived to be near him embarrassed myself a million times got misunderstood a million more I dreamt of him, thought of him asked for him even told people about him and then one summer
things changed
I changed
and I forgot I started to want something else i hated and I ignored
i became selfish distant and broken by too many dreams, I started the journey Im still on today
suddenly my poetry started my words spilled out of me like an uncontrolled love about loves I thought I felt and wanted and knew,

I became insufficient for the first dream
I became insufficient for the first time
and he realised that even if he didnt need to
and he understood that even if I didnt
and he moved on even if I didnt care
and he moved on even if nothing changed 
and now here  I am many summers on
closing my eyes and wishing I didnt throw him away
or wishing I didnt throw my good dreams away
I wish I held on to them
and didnt forget all those prayers and I spent so much time praying as I rested my shoulders crossing a bridge in the middle of khartoum
 __________________________________________________
he, in an alleyway behind the nile and I across the oceans somewhere
there is nothing but nothing between us
there is everything but love between us
I havnt seen him for many summers now
i havnt heard his voice or reasoned with myself why things have turned so invisibly bad
so many years
he is a beautiful ghost now
he is a beautiful twist in the boring story of my tragedy
I consoled myself by ignoring him
by wishing on others

by pretending to love others
by maybe really loving others

I dont know I'm so far in this series I dont even know what episode or what drama is the truth anymore

I feel like I jsut want to pack my bags and go
go far away
and end this series

but before I end this series
there is something in my heart that I cannot let go
In an alleyway behind the nile I hid a hidden treasure that I absolutely adore and desire
but i didnt hide it well and now its been discovered
and others want it
others are talking about it
and I cannot talk about it, I cannot ever want it , want it back, desire it or ask for it ever again

I deserve to lose this treasure , I deserve it to be taken away
i deserve it to be gone
I deserve it to be done this way

before I end this series there is something I must write and say
there are not enough words to say how sorry I am for not remembering him
for not keeping him and him alone
fornot proving to god I wanted him and him alone
for not standing by him
if I had done that I would have been fine
I would have been grand
I would have been perfect
I would be alive with one pure love
rather than be accummulated with all these unnecessary pains
If i had done that this blog would be different
these poems would be beautiful they would be
meaningful
like this one
this poem may be the only poem that I truly mean
that I truly truly mean

before I I end this series there is something I must promise myself
I will never write about the man in the alleyway behind the nile ever again
I will never write about him
no matter how many new words that come my way about him
I willl never write him
and how I feel about him and I will never relive again those beautiful summers
 the best thing i can do,
is not mix him up in my muddled heart, he doesnt deserve my ugly soul and body
 the best thing I can ever give  , ever ever give
is the key I have to the treasure I hid in an alleyway behind the nile
and let someone else

open it.

searching for the missing sultanate....I

If you go searching for trouble you will find it
if you search for history you will dig it out and whats buried will come alive
if you search for fear you will find it in the eyes of another
if you search for fear within yourself you will learn, learn so many things about you
patience
if you have patience you will get goodhtings
if you learn patience you will become a good person
if youtake your time you will make a beatiful woman
if you look hard enough
you will find a tarnished woman dying to come out
if you think sweetly life will taste nice
if you findthe inner strength you can become a different woman
altogether
rememberwe do not know how life will turn
but power is in your hands and in the hands of God
so do not fail your power for you can do a great deal under gods rule
the woman i want to become wants to find the queen inside her
wants to find hte rules and sultanate and the winning deal
wants to find the right thing and to combine myself as a whole sultanate of my choices and my emperor
I want to be the best that I can be .............