Tuesday, February 6, 2018

under life.. my skin changes to evil

Bad mother
Bad wife
Bad daughter

all armor down
words mean the world and emotions are wild
actions are broken
and life is just a mess
like oil spilled in sea
memories on the ground
poems unread
meanings unclear
love unwise
jealousy for the kill of a family

she is right
he is poor when i am around
he is tremendously strong for accepting me as his
she is tremendously kind for baring with all this flesh

for I dont deserve all these people
from the smallest to the biggest

theyre just here giving and never taking
theyre just breaking and i keep hitting
theyre just trying but in my eyes always failing
theyre just living and in my eyes life is dying

of course I am unhappy
my arms hurt
and i am so behind
in everything
my tongue is like the razor of mincemeat so sharp and bloody
my eyes are like glass mirrors cutting through arteries
my ears are like trauma wailing
my breaths are wasps of stinging anaphylaxis to kindness

this is not how things should be

I always asked myself
why is someone doing that or this
acting like this or that
can this person not see they are wrong
can this person not see they are mean

and now i am involved
as that person who doesnt understand

who they are
why they think like this
why do things like that
why they feel like this
and most importantly

why theyve turned into a monster

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

mean person of strength

The hurting games
everyones power is to hurt somebody
break somebody
for with that pain comes relief
comes quenching of anguish
and isnt that what everyone desires?
to be strong

but what is strength>
is it really the power to break someone that makes you strong
or is it the achievement of something so powerful such as creating a happy family
or being a good muslim a simple one
what makes someone strong

words of power dont mean anything if they are daggers and swords
it makes no sense to say someone is strong if they are mean
and you my friend
are pure mean

it is the last day of the first month of the year
what is your review?

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Everyday a poem 1

Everyday a poem for you
The quiet stars the gleaming sun
Life with you is so much fun
So many dreams have come true
And i owe them all to you
Your plans your mind your thoughts your words 
You are the definition of kindness
True beautiful heart
Your beats are my alarm clock in life
Waking me up to happiness
To trust and honesty
Its all magic living with you
And am so proud being yours

the next day

theres a time when memories become dreams and dreams become reality
a time when love escapes and fantasies come into play
things happen and glorious lights are lit
people dance and sing and jump and everyone just looks perfect
everyone at that moment is the perfect version of themselves
crisp clean, fresh beauty, wondrous armor of preparation and relatives seem to enjoy each other
every last bit of it
everyone is in love

for just a few hours that you never want to end
but the reality of perfection is that it has to end
the finale is reality that tomorrow begins a new day where everyone scatters in life
people go home
to work
to travel
people scatter and only the best in their heart remains

so whats the best in your heart>
where have you been?

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

at the same time

Ya Rabi,

on one night I witness the makings of new love dancing into play, swaying to the beats of tradition and loud interventions of joy. hips bouncing to the rhythm of rehearsals day in day out and people are happy. maybe too happy for their voices are loud and their boundaries are far. clothes glitter and invisible cloths wrap around her glistened body. around his future and her pride. flirting and blows of kisses and jokes all around. life is good

little did i know that on the same night, in the same moment, a pregnant woman young and beautiful came to the end of her journey with marriage for she lost the love of her life and her world collapsed. the kicks of an unborn child and the bounds of marriage and family... gone. 

Sunday, January 14, 2018

I am good

Lets begin 2018 with a note of happiness
a note of pride
for goodness come from within and no matter what
frustrating as it seems
there is a white heart inside me
there is a pure soul
one that needs work
to make shine
and i am willing to work
never willing to throw away
am good
filled with good choices
good answers
good ways
good thoughts
good givings
good creations

let happiness come
let time bring nice ways
let writing show grandeur
let grandeur be of kindness
let faith be the reason i am here
let my daughter be the best
because i am behind her
and her father
and her grandparents
filled with hope for her to be ... wonderful
like 2018

Thursday, September 7, 2017

feeling turmoiled

here is a woman so lostits just painful to be her
her soul inked with turmoil of failures and her mind blogged with the inability to become something
in her she was a strong one
a wild one
an untamed one but with respect and dignity
and now nothing is in her
except feelings of despair
why is so tired?
why is she so broken
the stepping ladder of peoples successes
the stay at home nothing
the go to work emptiness
because this isnt the life i imagined for myself

people lost in me - and i lost for them
people cannot define me and i cannot define myself
unable to cherish me when i cannot cherish myself
unable to become and do in the day because ive decided not to
and then they perform their life
and add me in the equation

this is not a sum
this is a subtraction
and it is not a multiplication of days its a division into falling tommorows
I am tired
I am not the person i used to be

what does used to be mean?
well a young vibrant woman of origin of strength of gials and belieifs that she can
a woman of knowledge of tries

not of this woman who is just walking around
in pain

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -