Sunday, August 23, 2015

From pause to play

Feeling despair
Empty gold snd platinum running by
I prayfor myself.... Limited editions
Only in a miniscule like asecret
Like a small hole in my heart
I move with my mistakes to a newlevel to a new era
Of forget
Just forget others
Just lose to their pain
Too much to handle yours and theirs so itsjust yours   
But even yourself u to choose to forget
And instead u choose regret


A broken woman u are
Always feeling like u havnt done something
Always feeling like u havnt earned something
Always feeling like u havnt looked out for 
Yourself
Always looking over your shoulder for the future u deserve
Always looking for drama u dont need
Always wasting time that u do need
In love with the right person
Kind and sexy and honest
Sweet caring and happy
A happy man
But i want to make him happier
And happier
Ya rab 
Please take from me bad thoughts and only give me good ones
Please only show me good things
Please dont let me lose in anything
Please take away my pain my fears and my thoughts of sadness 
Please please forgive me
Please let me be deserving of hard things
 Of things tht are precious
Please be with me through thick and thin
But give me the pleasures in life that are just so sweet
Please dont give up on me
Nd please dont stop your rewards
Your kindness that showers on me
Always in evry little thing of my life
Let my story be truth and beauty and sunshine
New life and great love
Peace and trust 
Ya rab 
Let me be the one u choose
 Let me be
Ya allah let me be
Please let that pause button go on
To play
Ya rab i ask u and travel to a place filled with true dreams
Ya rab
Let it all come true



Saturday, August 22, 2015

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Purple woman

Purple woman
I am kind i am my heart is kind and i know it
No one can tell me otherwise even me
And i realise that things that upset me can make me weak it does not make me a bad woman
No i am a good woman a great one
I am smart and i am young
Knowledge is my colour and seeping through i have let devils enter
Bad thoughts and short intervals or pain
I have made broken promises to myself time and time again
Unreasoned with trauma and regret of mind
But i am a good morning and a sweet night
I am that jasmine queen of the night except i am the hope of the night
I am the innocence and honesty i grew up with and the joys i felt
I am the many dreams i have gone through and the stories i have met
I am the faith that lights me and the words that bright me
But words are a dangerous tool that i must create and make
I am also a dangerous woman
Having hurt people the closest to me
I am also a dangerous woman
Damaging my clean self and soul and giving those fantasies away to who what where i dont even know
Its like having a gold ring and throwing it in the ocean
Just dont open your fingers and let it slip
Dont let it slip
And dont look at that ocean like its engulfing
Like its horrendous
Like its tormenting
Like its too big
Look at it like its the size of that ring in your hand
The size that it is to allah
Like a cup of water
Look at it like the refreshing future it could be 
The beautiful mystery it holds
Hold that ring and look for more 


Saturday, August 15, 2015

Destination sky

Somewhere far away 
A train is leaving a platform and organisation exists
Near me chaos trembles in the form of little pearls of rain at 9 am
The calmness if the day is glorious and beautiful
I want to be here and not anywhere else
Somewhere someone is walking for their daily exercise and pilates is open
Cafes glisten and costa coffee soars
Shops open but there will always be lonliness 
For here the nothing i look into makes me a better person
It must do
For thisisy own here i came and from here i come
The land is moist and the rubish filters its pain into a saddening ppicture
My lines are still 1 and i do not have purity in my mind
Purity exists only with the sure only with the ones aiming sky
But i 
I always question the rubbish and hate the dirt
Live event chose me and it was amazing 
Felt like this is what it should be like for a moment
This is what it should feel like in a moment
Positivity i hold and it falls from me everyday
I want something but i dont even say
I want something that only i am stopping myself from
To be continued



Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Burger and tongue

Love yourself
Honestly and purely
Start newin wvery single thing
Remember 
Only u can control yourself after allah
Love yourself
Hurt laugh and enjoy everything
Dont give up or inonly look up and inside yourself
Ask yourself share that pain when it gets too much
Love those results when tey happen
Breathe that positivity when iit shows
But untilxthen be that woman you alwys were... Beautiful

Remember .... It all

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Pretending pretending

I wonder why i dont think like them
Is it me and carolina all over again?
Or is it me and me all over again
I hate pretending 
Why is there ao much pretending
Isthere something wrong with me fir me to be pretended on
Or is it a normal thing people pretend to each other
It saddens me
I think am friends with someone relatives with someone
And i realise so much is hidden
Theyre closer to someone else
They prefer to not pretend with someone else
I feel lost
This time 
We went to jalepenos and all i got was one less of mine and a side of pretending 
And a side of tricking
Uggh when i remember 
I just want to know who he is! Such lies
No wonder my closest relative lie to me too and wear their sunglasses to hide their black eyes
But i dont have  black eyes
And i dont have sadness or pain
I was so happy to hear some people are like me 
Ya rab let me be like them
Yarab
I want to be kind 
I want to teach my family to be to be kind
Ya rab let me have a familya rab  

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -