Friday, March 28, 2014

just words

I think about friendships that are invisible
no longer available
ones that one day used to spark usher and not ushers syndrome amongst the streets of Sudan
music to our ears we raced and my heart never paced with sense -
just tense..that they would like the next song.. and they always did
I was young, I was cool with coolness around me, i was happy and I was the one they loved
never thought at that moment where life would take me or that would be taken away
never thought our friendship would be without eyes or ears and where they would go they would lose it all , all they had with me
and all the distance between us, is not just  milage or oceans
but  emotions .... just gone


,....

deep down I cant hear the answer but I can feel it
im jealous
time changes people and feelings
but am I the same or different?
why do I miss them?
why do I go back to the days of tapes and
a... magical time? where I enjoyed them and they enjoyed me ...
a time they've forgotten
a time that means nothing .... for its evaporated

and yet I make humid my expressions of ...missing those times
 deep within my heart until it cries
____________________________________

part 2 -
I am in a series,,, an egyptian one where all im missing is the music,
the music would be queit , peaceful, a little peakful at times to sense my calm yet turbulent emotions to the audience , - I stare at the room around me and its beautiful
curtains crisp with pattern , a new soft touch pyjama worth the camerisation - worth the etiquette im living in , worth the imagination im living by - feeling a sense of clean fresh sheets that everyone has to see - a glass of crystal water by my side ... a tall man to take the ride... of true fantasy and as i try and wrap my words and begin to show the world who I really am
my bedside light glitters with joy - yes I am here to make you wonder, to make you suffer about my mystery or is it honesty
and you may start to think about little things like where i got my curtains , or pyjamas , or where i got my hair done, or what detergent do i use and who does the washing or maybe why do i have any worries if i live in such granduer

______________________________________

failing to see

gotta get out of this mess
a big solid introduction of abnormal flavour
am just sitting here doing nothing
feeling nothing
being nothing

and how cani be lost if ive got nowhere to go
but my nowhere is the smpty space ahead of me
it feels like im going there

absent from everything i want to be
and anything i can be
am a projection of millions of debris just floating in a random area
noone can pick me up cuz i dont know where i am

imagine a cold, dark, ocean, that God has created
how i miss the thousands of miles away i used to be
in a cozy hut with a hot cup of tea and everything will be alright
and perfect
all those disney colours and flowers
no wreckage or wooden sticks dug on my heart
no feelings of horrid despair
a gulp of fury
a lack of intimacy within myself

words, the pieces of me that I cannot make no more
dont know what htey mean no more
i really dont know who i am no more

and am so happy and yet unhappy at the s ame time
like im exchanging my coins not in the black market
where you get more money than you should
am feeling selfish, jealous, weak,

here I am always given chances
always been given health
and yet i dont want it seems
until maybe it will come real
and how i beg for a new opportunity
called ____________
but i never even know how to wish for it

cuz am just a jealous purple of a kind
want to know everything that doesnt belong to me
want to be nothing i should be
want to have everything i dont
and dont give a _________ about what i have


remorse
guilt
is the delicate morsel i drink from
and dark bread of lack of forgiveness
for i just canot forgive myself
for being so naive


and ..........pathetic


something tore within me when it all got torn away
and i could see it in their eyes
and maybe or definitely history is repeating itself


for im always the kind to be slapped inthe face
5 instead of 1
27 instead of 67
so until then if
what am i gonna do
white instead of yellow
a lot instead of a little
today instead of the past


to be continued
 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Life is a laptop battery

its funny .. a simple example can change my whole perspective
No electricity - shouldnt have cut but here I am in a Khartoum afternoon/ late afternoon amidst a silence I actually enjoy
I hate to admit but today is one of those days I  deep inside actually  like when that the electricity cuts - a peaceful existence of time and space where you can do nothing but actually look right inside your soul for you can see nothing , hear nothing , be nothing but you
I turn on my lap top and read 64% remaining - I am suddenly taken aback at the short energy we have
just like my laptop i have a stop sign to me
a baattery that will run out one day
maybe sooner maybe later
am ashamed instantly at who I am
like a woman fragmented into a million pieces
like all the pieces of dust around me just flying helplessly into the air
thats how I feel
where is my love for who I am
where is my need for Allah
where is my joy for religion
where is my strength for health
I feel like that grip i used to demand i own is forcefully going or gone
I feel like that rope i always used to hold has slipped
I feel like im just circling really dizzy

and I ask myself
isnt your life like this laptop battery
ar you not racing against time in life just like you are racing with time to finish work and do a lot before it cuts
isnt Allah in charge of how much time you have? can you do anything about that?
can you do anything about the cut electricity
must you not wait for it to come without a singly type of control? and the only control you have is doing as much work as possible
same as in life the only control you have is being the best you can be using the time you have being the nicest you can be , the happiest, the kindest, and the most pure


i feel like my life has all been set  into a small example
like in science or maths
to the power of.... life is a laptop battery



.................
trust me the problem is within you

Saturday, February 22, 2014

random 1st try

I knew I could do it
trusted myself and i suceeded
booked my life away
am excited for a different day
but am angry with myself like a wicked queen
wanna burn my village and never look back
cuz the guilt would be tremendous and strength I lack

am glad i did something new and strange
she looked amazing like she never changed
like she was new and old all at the same time
like she never moved into days like all of us like she was fine
and in that instant it didnt matter if her life was terrible or not for me

i desperately wanted to be her in me

.........
am enstranged in everything i do
lost in trying to change , trying to be free
my skin is like an ugly monster

I wonder why her eyes were red
maybe its all my fault and i deserve to .... nothing
i dont deserve any of what i have
 I treat her like nothing and yet shes everything
for without her I wouldnt be here
and i didnt choose her but Allah chose her
and i dont deserve any of this
any of this


----------

random pain

everytime i close my eyes its like a dark paradise
Im a woman similiar to people I hate their actions to
and yet I do exactly the same yet
a fearful woman strange i could talk and think a small mind
against a peaceful thing and had to shut my mouth against the war
i really am at war
with myself
within myself
im someone i dont even know
someone  i hate
truly hate
i hate who i am and what ive become
fearful and fearless
of the most important things in life
Allah,health, patience,
I feel like ive had my heart attack
my chest all poisonous in the inside
my heart all black on the outside
remoteless of feeling of sanity
of mind
painful to breathe
like fadil
feeling so broken unable to concentrate on anything
and on anyone
except this ugly woman ive become

Thursday, February 20, 2014

blurred in the future

gonna put my frustration in a timeless zone
and forget about my questions that make me feel alone
patterns of a madness I dont want to console
they make me feel terrible, they make me be wrong
I know im a strange one
maybe its all me
maybe im the one who doesnt understand all the parts of me
parts that make me
and parts that break me
parts that fake me
and parts that earn me

for I know im at war with myself
i know im bleeding inside
too in pain to go find that wound
it hurts too much to put pressure 
like a shadowless human being
just walking a path... sometimes feeling so isolated
so lost
barely knowing my name
or what it means to me
barely understanding why am here
in this life , with this life, and after this life
forgetting the most important parts of a stranger
and trying to find the meanings in another
I dont make sense no more
am so enstranged , so in denial
am lazy like an ugly crocodile
am weak like a tormented soul should be
exactly the definition of a childish soul
one who wants a toy until ever after to hell
a ll communication lost with a beautiful woman inside
one who writes , one who commands , one who reads, one who thinks , one who ....

feeling like a detective - but never reaching for the solution
maybe a bit of evidence , but never the end
always stuck in the middle
 trying to hold on but too heavy with burden

of a faithless creation of someone i dont even know
that part of me I dont even know
that part of me who doesnt listen to Quran no more
 or pray on time no more
or listens to azan no more
or listen to quran with hope and breath no more
or does tasbeeh no more
or has a focus on who she is no more

dont know who I am no more
am just blurred..........




to be continued

Friday, February 14, 2014

random 7

information is security, know everyhting and you will be safe flying in the wind and you will never fall if you know everything , you will never fall a skyrise overlooking the background, the Nile smiling at me welcome dear to my world and live the life youve always dreamed , I am here watching you grow and as you drink from me just a worldwide away, I will know that you are here to stay - for this is your palace and these are your desires, leopard and red , wherever you tread, you know what youre doing dnt you? it awlays works out in the end, if you dont want to fix it it wont be fixed like that word always your life wil stay the same if you want it so waht do you want? red arms? or a heart fierce with the strength to never give up, to hold on and ear that forgiveness so lost in time words barely speaking a to how i feel inside i just want to type love the way it sounds soft memories and new ones instantly being made like the flicker of a photo being born khartoum, is hazelnut sweet at night maybe with strawberries maybe not ? eating red caamaties so hard to digest but has to be done 9.35 life collects every second to make me and never deny me chances and yet i insist ..all tohate tahat is good is this another chance? a new day with milk tea maybe with sugar maybe without but definetely with glitter earrings for all i want is to glitter all the feelings within me let them sparkle red and leopard elegance I hope to re hope and start again Ya Allah I know this isnt the time to pray but I ask youto stay in my life like the meanderng Nile below me and the high rise drama above me and the beautiful soft sky within me and the floating of dreams come true around me and the time youve given me Ya Alah let me be your soldier for i miss you and need you Ya Allah I need you dont let megive up

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -