severely pretending

bewildered by a strange state of mind
lost int ranslation lost then I find
my thoughts broken into a thousand spaces
and my wants stretched in a million places
simply possibly it cannot be
I will lose out
on the desires of success
and retire in mess

Ya lama hina ya lama hina

what is it exactly that i want to become

do i want to be smartest girl in the world?
do i want to be the sweetest girl in the world?
Do I want to be the most faithful girl in the world?
Do i want to be the most romantic?
Or do i want to be the most desired/
Or do I want all of them?

if I want all of them I must have all of them not pretend!
and right now I am severely pretending
crazily attending to my every loss
come here
and sit down
and do not go anywhere
but your viscious weakness

come here stay down
and never get up to reach out to success
 but i can be successful
I can be beautiful
and clever
and romantic
and determined
and sweet
and unfevered
all at the same time

I can do it all
without severely pretending


...........................

I am dreaming of how I would look

I should be in a lecture ...please forgive me God
but instead I
am dreaming of my wedding day
im dreaming of a man who can show me a different exposure to love and life
Im dreaming of a day my day where my dress is pearled with dreams coming alive
Its ivory its gold its beautifully designed its vapoured with satin sandal and musk its divine
I
dream of his eyes
I draw his outline and I know how I want to feel
....In love.......

En Route to..... new poetry

i no longer am employed by heartbreak company

I no longer write images of fantasy
i write beauty
I write images of mytrust within myself
I write how a simple piano sog makes me and breaks me
I write how even though my dreams are large I am large enough to fill them
I write how God can turn me or break me but I will only believe that he will turn my future around and save me
I write how sudan is my home and I am its friend therefore it will help me
I am lavish enough
strong enough good enough
to deserve forgiveness
I deserve an image of myself that is happy and sound
passing life freely and with all the things I need and want


Ya Rab here I am today dreaming of aday where normally I am sad and unwisely fearful
sad and think that I am so far away
but today my writing writes
I am close closerthan i think
and iwth everyday that passes I love you more Ya Rab and I wish that you forgive me and help me becomethe woman you created me to become
I wish that you let me deserve that love I am looking for
I dont know what it looks like or feels like
and I open foryour suggestion ya allah
all i know is I am fresh
and new for it
I am unique to it
I will spen my time reserveing love for the man you give me
the one you intend to cross my heart with
and I wll not fail to show you that i am deserving of that match

Ya Rab
I asky ou to help me
direct me and teach and help me spend my days wisely controllably freely
Ya rAb I realise I have yet a lot to learn in loving you and that is true love
I have betrayed you and become unfaithful
trading u with other things
changing you with other images in my mind

and here I am today in total belief that you will take me back and give me your blessing
Ya Rab

Long lost dream 3

no more heartbreak

no more pain

no more destruction

and words in vain

i no longer run but stay here like a queen

i no longer fight except fight for whats right

No more words of sadnessa nd waste of time

no more giving up what is truly mine

no more anger no more despair

just health and healthy repair

no more anguish of good old dreams

just the future of a beautiful day

a new day

a day where i pass

a day where i pass life

and eternity

no more facebook

no more retiring in the worst part of me 

no more of invisibility

i leave you behind the ugly in me

and take a new step on a new train

.......one that i missed... along time ago/......

13-5.5

I realise a pattern
everytime i become strong
something tries to push me down
everytime i become happy
something tries to make me sad
everytime i try and think of myself a success
something alwaystriesto make think of myself as a failure


but not this time/////

A long lost dream 2

Today I was reminded of an old dream. One that may have  started my writing . The reason I wrote a poem or the reason i felt loving emotions. The reason I am here today writing liket his was all this dream that started a long time ago... I still remember the notebooks , the scenes going on in my mind... the flavour of them. they were beautiful to me... they meant everything to me...and suddenly it started dissappearing I changed
I did not deserve the beautiful dream  anymore
it did not light within me anymore slowly and slowly it removed itself until i no longer ached for it instead new things came to mind and the beauty of my dream died

and today i met a woman who reminded me of the old me the one ive been searching for that part of me that hid after my old dream parted I was reminded why i had that dream i said it i once used to dream ............and I felt lost in space almost taken back to a moment when everything was right simple and elegant again

and it made me think
what really iis my favourite love story?

A long lost dream 1

I have tremendous courage
I have no fear but from God
but this is because im prepared for the expected
and for the unexpected
I feel dangerously reminded
I feel I have done explosively wrong
but God forgives
and not believing that is a sin
I am tired of being explosive
I desire to be .....a long lost dream

I am a beautiful woman
I agree with body and language and
have a confidence that is pure and elegant
sometimes funny and proud
but certainly strong


I am a strong woman


I am a great woman
one who deserves the best


I always ask myself

what is my favourite love story?
The notebook?
Asi and Demir
The sultan and Hoyam?
Ibrahim and Khadija
Tristan & Isolde?
Jalil aldeen and Jodha Akbar?
Bond?
A sudanese wedding?
Sila & jowdat?
Penelope
Lesley & Scott?
havana nights?
Brian and Mia
Waleed and Laila
this random italian series
and many many many more

I stop and try and remember all the hours Ive spent watching love
extracting what I want
what i think

now that is love
I want this
I want to feel that

but wait a minute
I dont know how it feels
and wait a minute

I still havent answered the question
what is my favourite love story?



_________________________________________________________________________