Saturday, August 23, 2014

the non imaginary sunshine

today im going to be ahppy
nothing is going to phase me and nothing is going to break me
im going to enjoy my life my hours my second
my music that ive descivered
im going to be me and be happy
im not going to worry about him or her or them orwhy or how or
if onlys
im not going to think im jsut going to breathe
and dream
and pray
and im not going to wonder or wander
im just going to explore and pour out my love for the sunshine
and for Allah


for Allah is the greatest and I am great too
in my own way
i am
and i wil be strong
and i will be true to my heart
and thankful
because i am too blessed to be stressed
and i can do what i want to
and i can choose what i want to
 and Allah has given me that


 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

no miracles here...

I am... lost
I suddenly understand that my body is an empty
vessel
onewithout thought
or emotion, patience or respect
who am I?
a lost woman

lost for thought
for productivity
for understaning
for kindness
for purity....
purity
yes for that



a trangressor ..I am just living in the wrong position



wanting all the right things
but all the ticks cannot be met

like the english
wont happen 
if its not correct


and im just not correct
im all ...wrong
all wrong


all broken
and intimitately heartless
all insanely stuck



and unable to take myself through
miracles or unanswered questions


no 
there will be no miracles here

Monday, August 18, 2014

me back

I cant get out of the trance
its just too advance
and im stuck in this dream
that I wish would be real


...with you


Saturday, August 16, 2014

Re: zima

seems like I upset everyone these days
or maybe in just 1 day

ugly words
angry voices
empty apologies

I feel heartbroken


_______________
spaces in time all black
even though I came for the sunshine and to find , the best me
am here to change for the better and not to feel the winter
sorry to be so stubborn, so holed int he heart
finding bad news all the time
any yet my body resists to be the bad one



____________
couldnt fast
im so sorry Ya Allah
please forgive me and
challenge me for the better
I ask you to forgive me
for im just sick of drama
although I know im the drama

and im sick of pain
although im the one that hurts me

and im sick of worry
although there is no need for worry

for i understand, life is short
and beautiful


Ya Allah,
I understand what ive compromised and i dont want to compromise it
i wont let posion run through my veins
or a scorpions bite kill us
I wont let a snakes venom have me
and i wont let an eagles prey eye chase me


no
I wont let a compromise to myself or ones I love
get to me


I will be me
the best that i can be




 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

broken ideas


sometimes you must change your beliefs to resort to other methods that might be just more successful



you come first I come second
I miss my man
and how he makes me feel
I want to spend some and more time
ahead of time
baby I

...

am here alone and yet filled with your thoughts
that make me secure and protected
and my time here is precious even though its
...different
for here chicano is KFC
and I am ..... different
in hope I used to know mode

everyday , I swerve a little bit to the best
but my monster self tries to destroy me
wants me to.... revert to new ugly ways
like ...


not caring


but I do care


and I want to remember that

you know like I know
that I can be better
maybe even something youve never seen


or heard


and IM scared
that jasmine will be richer than me



...but I hope God will forgive me
for wanting everything better than everyone else



I hope... that hope finds her late lost soul
and one day is early again



..............

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

dark desires & peaceful intuitions 1

She - I dont know what she is but I am forced to interpret that sheis a breathing empty vessael, a woman anatomically but a demonised structure, abnormally moving and talking
words dangerous if she knew
her life is a lack of productive numbered walks and breaths
for she will never amount to anything except an addition to a hateful persona
that I just hate
but here I am
cornered and for once unable to actually say what i want
its funny I know I can say a couple of things ormaybe even more
for I always know what to say
and how I can say it
and dont care what it does when its on the outside
but here I am

silent
I remember Gods meaning
- do not speak of Allah or religion if there is a chance that the other person can insult it , because of their ignorance'
and I know this is truly correct here
but also

I relaise
I am utterly powerless
for my thoughts are the opposite of her thoughts
and her mind is a landmine that I never want to enter
but then again so is mine

I am disgusted
I am blinded by the utter madnes of the world
and how the devil spins it
makes terrible things seems alirght
makes ignorance beautiful
makes shadows appear focused
and makes the strong weak

for I know what i believe in and I know Allah is mine and I am his


I feel like I want to get out of here for I did not travel thousands of miles across oceans and timedifference
to meet this ... she

but I find myself in a small town
unable but to wait for her to finish her unfathomable darkness of belief to me


and i ask myself
why?
why are you here?
there must be a lesson
for Allah wouldnt put me here for no reason except to test me


and really
I think again
sins
are they not all taking to the same result
like wesay
death is the same but the causes are different
hell is all the same but the reasons for entry are different


 i think about what ive left behind
people who I am dissapointed in and relatives who disgust me
lyers and cheaters and dramatic stealers
of money and time
and rippers of family
and trust



sin


and i think of her

disgusting revolting madness
unwilling or willing unknowing of the sheet conclusion
to her fate
and health
and loss of a soul damned in hell


and I think of me


why am I so clever to think of others when i cannot think and fault me/
I have faults
i have sins
and i have troubles

so where am I?
and who am I?
and if I am so smart to know what GOd thinks of others
do I know what he thinks of me/?


haaaa


to be continued?

 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

finding peace 1

the last  thing  I did in Sudan, Khartoum
the waft of the aroma of love peacefully comes to my mind
and as I fly,,, through skies,,, through mountains,,, through airports
one thing is on my mind


how hes such a part of me and I am a part of him
for I look at my body and think that an arm is missing or a heart

I am not whole but I am ..... sound

for my love for him makes me survive, makes me stronger, makes me happier
makes me want to make him proud


planes sit bored
and I sit not understanding lifes mysteries
suddenly i bounce with memories
last time i came through these lands
i was

alone
afraid
single
lost

and yet i still have so much to understand
and i instantly realise sadness is an object you carry aruond if you want to
or leave behind if you want to be free and i want to be free

now - I just need to close my eyes to lose those things and find existence
like ive been riveted into advancement


its peaceful here
and im peaceful here...

to be continued....





What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -