Thursday, January 29, 2015

Waiting for henna

Shuda woken up earlier
Lost now in waiting
Hope things work out
Will itbe flowers or architecture
?
Wishing all my life options were so pretty
Yesterday he makes a home video
I love home baking
I love tea parties
No more luxury
Although i do think my stuff is not luxury
And Its expensive  
Dont know still have puff pastry
And chocolate cake
Lost i tell you
Lost


Monday, January 26, 2015

looking afar to look near

Its not how many breaths 
u take in a moment... 
Its how mNy moments 
that take your breath away



a quote i overheard while sitting in a cafe somwhere 
ot0day very far away 
from me 
next to a beach 
while now im in a desert
next to water and cold and the tip
while now im in the heat and centre
 
 
time changes... and rapidly 

sent from my iphone_ different

This is hard
Im weak
Not myself
Cant defend myself
Am tired
Am bored
Poor him i think im having a bad day
But hes having all sorts
Smashed glasses
Smashed phone
No visa
And no money
But thats ok
Whatever happens
Im here for him
Love of my life
It feels strange that i am doing this for him
I like it
Very much
Am scared
But i like it

sent from my iphone_bootcamp for faith,,,

Whats happening to me.... Am hungry
All the time
But here i am fasting with a year istigfar and a year after
I love how god just swipes in an instant the devils hardwork
Soo easily
So quietly
so humbly
yet so grand...
No majorities
One god
Thats it
I need a bootcamp for faith
For 2 weeks 1 hour a day i will learn
Read love faith again
Yes
Starting from today
Youm arafa...
Today iis the 3 rd october
In 11 days ill have no days left and the day that comes will be a countdown
 to momen coming
I miss him
A lot
And i miss how safe i am with him
I wonder
Will i be that woman waiting in an airport or train station kind and happy
And true with herself??

sent from my iphone_Ya Rab help me

My head is not in the right place 
Ive looked for peace within me
Ive found some
But i still have a huge gaping hole
Am wondering 2 weeks left to the end
Why have i missed allah so much
Why have i forgotten his importance
Why have i left him behind
Why am i so cruel to him?
Forgetting it is that I need him, and not that he needs me
My relationship is very very cold
And yet he brought me here for a reason
I hate how i have replaced allah with all my affection
But the truth is
I am wilting away
And then when a challenge comes along
I am back to being naive

Whatever happened to being a muslim
Just living that truth
Not just an appearance
Not just a name
An actual feeling
Whatever happened to feelings for faith
Letting in its rays like the sun im sitting in now
Attention
Life is at its best
I am ready to be healthy
But not with this incomplete heart
Not with this emptiness
Yes 
I have changed and i am better towards myself 
I do 
Like exercise 
I used to hate moving my body
But  now i like it
I used to hate eating healthy
Im not perfect but i dont like eating unhealthy anymore
The times i have ate unhealthy ive hated it
And when i did enjoy it i enjoyed it with a passion
I used to always bring myself down
when i ate anything
But now i dont
I love what i eat
And when i go wrong 
Im still learning

Im learning when i eat i enjoy
And when i move i enjoy
But where is faith?
when there is no faith , how can i enjoy?

sent from my iphone_worth the rent

Here i am a long week later
I love how my bodyaches but i wish i could get better
I love how this week has been precious
I ask myself
Why i never did vegatableS in eggs before
Why i didnt drink so much water
Why i didnt like to exercise
Why dont i like to exercise?
Its hard
But its nice and worth it
Ifeel different 
I definitely dont want to go back to the way i was
Lost
Angry
Tired
Broken
Not happy with who i am
I dont deserve that
And i want to be healthy for me 
I love allah
Sooo much
And i have that when no one does 
Here
Its like thwyre all renting 
And i am too but i kno who im renting from
This body
Is also rented
And i want to help it not ruin it
Not waste it
I want to be luxurious and simple
Young and warm
Happy and proud
Smart and fun
Strong and sexy
Beautiful true

Ya rab help me



sent from my iphone _ tired


I deserve to honor and love myself
To feel comfortable with who i am
To know i am smart and healthy
To work hard for anything and get results with that

I didn't do any work so far
I didn't work hard or enough so far in the things i really want to achieve


Like being a specialist
Like reaching a healthy weight
Like being a strong muslim


I came to falmouth to find myself
To reach new heights
To fall in love with the sunshine and the arts of the soul

Not to be sad and down
I feel like its a new challenge god has put upon me because i was smart with him

But that's not true because god is with me always in kindness and peace
He is not like me or bad others or or
He doesn't work to cause pain or getting back

He forgives and he loves and and

Believing that is beautiful

I'm playing with myself
I'm lying to myself
I'm scared to really get tired
I don't work hard enough

I need to prove to myself i am better i can do better
I'm tired of always feeling that im holding myself back
I don't want that
I don't want to get old having not tried living young
Ya Allah am so happy today
I have good weather
Good family
I have a good heart
I have good money
I have nice things
I can eat good food
Right now i have good health
I have freedom
I have a chocolate milkshake in front of me
I am... Me
And i wont let bad things happen to me 
I  wont
I will be happy for jasmine
She has nothing to do with it 
And i have nothing to do with it


TODAY
 i feel in control of my own attachments
I did get up
Everything i eat and drink i will love and taste well
I will not think any negative thoughts and im going to stop this damaging relationship i have with food

And i can combine
Because life is all about combining and living

And i will use control at the right time in the wrong places to achieve my goal
After all
I am the master of lost under control



I am happy

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -