Sunday, July 21, 2019

Chapter 4_a sharks bone

A sharks bone 
Don’t forget that 
And so are your habits
So are your stoppages so are your disasters
Your inabilities are a sharks bone to your heart
Your weakness is  a sharks bone to your soul
Your stupidity is a sharks bone to your mind
Your methods , your deviations, your instabilities
And your passions 
But you can change that
You can make your mind
…. Frame to fit
Explore to expand
Go wild to calm
Breathe to fine motor
Breath taking patience
What you need is to believe
And ask yourself
What is it you desire?
What is it you can do about that desire?
What is it you can do right now to own control?
For isn’t that what you desire? 



Thursday, July 18, 2019

Chapter 3- virused capabilities

I have to be on top of my game in 4 hours
Acting the best and drinking enough coffee to push this madness out
My head feels like theres gunk in it 
Lots of soul infection without medication
The obsession is clear
A part of me doesn’t want to stop
Because its displaced my body for the first time in my life
And fragmented my internal laziness
And truly changed my thoughts
But its also deteriorated my goodness that’s for sure
Its broken my mind
Its shattered my control
But its also reminded me of my pain
My true pains
The ones I hide, the ones I used to ignore , the ones I never challenged
Until now I could never control them
Every single moment of frustration hits me 
My eyes see my eyes when I look at what I want 
Its always walking into a room filled with guests
Its always dark music
Which although as erased my desire to eat has virused my capabilities 
Am desperate for the balance
That thinking straight antidote
That being me dose I so desperately need in my undeveloped land of breakdown
It makes me feel like I can be the sexiest woman alive
I could be
For the first time in my life I actually believe that this is true
But like this
I could also be mad
I don’t want to be mad and sexy
I want to be clever and sexy
I don’t want to get cancer or heart disease
and I don’t want to give my body up to the devil either and get hell disease
and a wasted soul
I want to have it all
But like this 
Am gonna have nothing at all



Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Chapter 2- Unprepared sadness

Chapter 2

That’s such a lame move in the midst of my agony to be seduced by passion and ability of grandness
He shares with me this boring possible unknown future
And I was totally unprepared
Suddenly forced to delve in the mask of faraway tomorrow when I’m thinking of the intense now and other beautiful things
He just goes right ahead and pisses me off
Here I am asking him something
Well hoping he understands the letters between my lines
And he totally gives me something else
So he totally doesn’t understand anything Ive been saying, craving or doing

Am super mad
Because am super sad
At the emotional explosion
Like the face of someone I don’t know
Yet I have to know
But why?
What’s his trail of thought here?
Why didn’t he send me flowers or a poem or his sexy voice
Why this?

Ugh
Am barely in control of my own dreams and now hes just concentrated my pain
Stolen my thought processes
Figuratively
Am not mad at the image
Am mad because he clearly doesn’t understand me
And I dont care how complicated it is
He should be able to understand
That the last thing I want 
Is 
lack of richness


Monday, July 15, 2019

Chapter 1- going to hell

Chapter 1
Have you ever broken down your dreams?
Or have you just always accepted them
you’ve never thought about them, have you? What they mean and what they’re doing to you
And now theyre attacking invading and eroding you
You can go to hell for this
All that you’ve ever done youre just throwing away
It’s the same feeling of drug addicts
It really is
Nothing matters
Think about it
Youre losing your mind your attention your strength and your time
And allah said
Do not love something that is bad for you
This is bad for you
Look at yourself
Youre fucked up
Can you imagine this being your life
This obsession
This truama to your body and your time
This forgetting all activities and sense in your life
Hating the sun
Hating being with your family
Hating yourself
Look at yourself
You are the definition of unhealthy
Hitting barriers
Nearly driving into people in cars
Look at your self
You’re so unhealthy


Say it
Don’t feel it
You obsess over the attraction
the perfect woman
And you don’t believe or want to be in reality because you deep down hate things with you the way they are now
Escp now
These last months, years I think
You’ve become worse and worse
And so youre weaker and weaker
You can delete all the failed tries all you want
But you cannot delete your dreams
Your dreams are the problem
And in your dreams is what you want
Those dreams your clinging onto like insanity
Its why the music is better
Because your imagination knows what you want
Its your soul and what you believe you can and cannot do is the problem
Its how you think is the problem
Its your solutions to these problems is the problem
The real you is locked up
You have her locked up
Caged and frozen
 The girl  who looks amazing, the girl of the dream, the girl of you
Arnt they equal? Inside you
They can do anything
And they are everything
It really is about your dreams
You and yourself
Ask yourself
Do your dreams make you free?
Days
Years
Moments
Mistakes or fixing mistakes
Time will go
Time will not stop
Not for you
Time will not stop for you

Not for anyone

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

skimmed milk coffee is not enough

I used to like and be good at writing
and now Im completely zero
like a silent whisper
have i got nothing to say ?
or is it that my mind is so noisy i cant hear myself
not even think
like 2 lasers zapping each other out
or as one would say
quantum physics
thats what its become to me.. writing
like quantum physics
totally out of my league
although i love the feeling of typing on a keyboard
maybe
or the feeling of cold air in the back of a university building that doesnt apply to me
and yet here i am
so lucky
and yet so stressed
time waste and time lock
i have no way to enjoy what i should
a bit of freedom
but am so guilty its like the dark clouds robbing the sun
I should be somewhere else
and yet here i am
typing in the sun
I hate differentiation of tables
sitting with what looks to others like the same bunch of people
although i have nothing to do with them and them with me
its not working just to ask for skimmed milk
and just because you did situps yesterday it does not fulfill you doing them today
the same as praying
the same as exercising
as breathing
as working
as wishing
each day covers ts winnings and its losses
each day is one day
that you are allowed to act in , or be real in
too much coffee is not the correct thing for the head
its just a way for ordering something that is actually nothing
because its the wrong time and moment
first thing in the day was perfect
felt like the razor to sharpen the fog
now it feels like the paint on my teeth
so heavy  so wrong
self criticism is the best thing
and the hardest thing
i cant remember the last time i just had time to myself
like this
i think its worth waking up early for
i think its worth being tired for
i think its worth changing for

here it is
6 days in march and 3 months in 2019
a 2019 that is marching through you
making a hole in you
trying to find reason trying to find something to replicate that is worth it
and a skimmed coffee is not enough
to make it happen
im glad im here
but when its june
will be so fast you wont know when it happened
imaging you still saying
the things you are saying now
?
how would that f eel
except
painful?
  

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

under life.. my skin changes to evil

Bad mother
Bad wife
Bad daughter

all armor down
words mean the world and emotions are wild
actions are broken
and life is just a mess
like oil spilled in sea
memories on the ground
poems unread
meanings unclear
love unwise
jealousy for the kill of a family

she is right
he is poor when i am around
he is tremendously strong for accepting me as his
she is tremendously kind for baring with all this flesh

for I dont deserve all these people
from the smallest to the biggest

theyre just here giving and never taking
theyre just breaking and i keep hitting
theyre just trying but in my eyes always failing
theyre just living and in my eyes life is dying

of course I am unhappy
my arms hurt
and i am so behind
in everything
my tongue is like the razor of mincemeat so sharp and bloody
my eyes are like glass mirrors cutting through arteries
my ears are like trauma wailing
my breaths are wasps of stinging anaphylaxis to kindness

this is not how things should be

I always asked myself
why is someone doing that or this
acting like this or that
can this person not see they are wrong
can this person not see they are mean

and now i am involved
intimately
as that person who doesnt understand

who they are
why they think like this
why do things like that
why they feel like this
and most importantly

why theyve turned into a monster

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

mean person of strength

The hurting games
everyones power is to hurt somebody
break somebody
for with that pain comes relief
comes quenching of anguish
and isnt that what everyone desires?
to be strong

but what is strength>
is it really the power to break someone that makes you strong
or is it the achievement of something so powerful such as creating a happy family
or being a good muslim a simple one
what makes someone strong
business
intelligence
health
wealth
fame

words of power dont mean anything if they are daggers and swords
it makes no sense to say someone is strong if they are mean
and you my friend
are pure mean
unforgiving
unwise

it is the last day of the first month of the year
what is your review?

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -