Saturday, June 28, 2014

a broken important day

I am..... lost

not through the simple meaning of the word
like I cant find myself or even cant find my direction
but I am lost in the development of a self system without the breakdown of identity
or the selling of my profits to non individuality and destruction amidst a collaborated
angst within myself that I am no longer the woman i can be or want to be and that i am one of the weakest bodies i have come across
ruralised to the extent of no sound within my soul , poverished by denial and laziness
sucking all the happiness within me living life watching teh river pass me by and i thirsty
unable to move a limb ..........

and yet when i do move limbs its at the wrong time and at the wrong place and only encourages anger
im so loud im so viscious and im so ,,, senseless
breaking hearts and sleep
never able to imagine what he may be thinking
i didnt mean to
is not enough
I wonder what challenges there may be

what challenges there may be, what horrible person inside me has come out
no more gentler or better or kinder or sweeter

just loud

now what i am i going to do
with a broken important day

Monday, June 23, 2014

wish i was never me

A mistakeful plan
so unaware of my reality
i shatter into a tragedy from my
silly tongue
my burning words
and my hurting insanity
a young girl
so naive
so ...unreal
until i get beaten down
wish i didnt talk
wish i didnt wish
wish i wasnt here

today is not a good day
no words are spoken
and i barely hold on
feeling so alone
feeling so bad
like a caused something bad to happen
without intending
here icannot be stubborn
for its like hitting on a hammer
but i deserve
for i took his happiness away

i blame the government
everything is so wrong here
so how can it not affect me?

I blame history
people who i cant shake
and it makes my heart a misery
almost like theres no space for myself to console
i have to think of them
i have to involve them
even though

they make me an urgent mess
I am a mess
hate being confronted by these and those
people already filling my gaps
and im unable to become superficial
to become better
for sometimes i fear that deep down

 no amount of henna will make me stronger

wish i was queiter
wish i was richer
in intelligence and money
and body
but wish i was cheaper
in emotions
i hate my emotions
they make me ...poor

I just feel
like i abandoned myself
dissappointing myself
wish i could shut up when i need to
and stay silent and sexy like those actors do at the right moment

wish i was never

wish i was never me

in an instant

Pink grapefruit
healthy and clean
like engine juice
like ends not loose
I feel sorry they worked so hard
but i didnt work at all
what do i deserve
what did I achieve
i feel terrible
I feel like im nothing
just a little small white dot on a white page
advancing into the future with no defense
or offense
have no goals
never a goal that came real
have no intentions
any more
no more
I am intentionless
cant remmeber the last time i actually tried and wanted to pray alsubuh on time
until some time i actually cared even though i never did it
and i gloated at myself for thinking caring was never going to go away
but now i just dont care
i think Sure God will forgive me
he will
but who am i to delve into a forbidden thought
I mean its one thing doing the hard work and
then asking for forgiveness
but hoping that it will just happen///////////////

I dont bake anymore
I used to associate baking with a lovely treasureful home filled with nice smelly things and beautiful people
now i associate it with ugliness and grease
my kitchen is cold
my soul is colder
im scared of people
more than i am of God
frightened of the future as i am

goal less

actions can change in an instant
in an instant you can become a winner
or a loser
in a second you can become something
or nothing
you can be put in a good situation or in an instant
be put in a bad one
your life can change your priorities and your future
can all change in an instant
and in an instant
everything doesnt have to be the same way it used to be............

so whats it going to be
which instant are you going to take?

Sunday, June 22, 2014

a stealer 1

imagine a stealer of your piece of mind and truth, your honesty and your kindness
imagine a stealer of your time, of your hard work , your every bit of troubles and seat
or cold....
imagine a stealer of your wisdom, your travels and your life, your dreams that you worked hard to create
imagine a stealer.....


All of me has been stolen but I want to write about a picture that stole my peace
a piece of me ripped from pain

from fragility of wanting to scream and scream
but knowing I cant
imagine.... a picture stealing your every piece of peace

 I wonder
how its done , doing something so evil and believing it isnt
making it right
not feeling the damage youve caused or the pain youve erupted

I wonder how it feels to live on the other side
isnt that what he thought>?
I am sure - daggers flying in his mind
he only wanted one thing
to be more like him
jealousy is a creative art
a malicious equipment high class

all from the devils cut
a film out of holywood
its yours to have
for you deserve
isnt that what he thought

I hate who i am
i hate what i am
i hate that i cant control any of me
i hate that i dont care anymore
i hate that i dont look good
i hate that i am lazy
and weak
i hate that im angry
i hate that im faithless

but i know i could never steal.....


could I?

havnt i stolen my goodness and sold it off
havnt i stolen my innocence
my pride
havnt i let my grandness be stolen

sometimes I wish i was that spotty teenager

sometimes i wish i could scream the truth
for i know people who have truly stolen
and i hate it
and hate me for being the weak one
my family

but lets forget those things for a while/////

what is become of yoU>
are you even there
are you disintegrated
are you even there?

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Ya Allah , a new way

am scared
to have everything and nothing at the same time
to be the last to be wronged
to be...flawed
I wanted it to be simple but something is .... off
a tiny bit of hope flickers inside but its just not there
I dont want to disturb the natural order of peace
but im at war
with myself
why is it like this?
what is wrong?
try again?
examples in my life keep popping up
it hurts to think of them
I just try convince myself im nowhere near them

Ya Allah I really need you
I dont want to be in this position
please help me and change it all
Ya Allah
Im glad i thought of it yesterday
and im glad i did it
even though it was hot and stuffy

a tiny bit of hope flickers inside
i promise myself i will no longer be the same.....
advanced creature of impatience
or the same useless woman
just so superficial

for i do believe
and i do understand
it is not up to me
no matter what i do

life is all up to God
and i just act
i could act bad
and i could act good
and i could act mad
or sad
or normal
or in denial
or hopeful

Ya Allah
I will change my strategies
and i will change my tragedies
to good things

please help me though , please

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

we have the same carpet!

we have the same carpet!
but I didnt get the carpet my fiance at that time did
to land on my floor and me overlooking it my life suddenly enters corners or squares?
turning directions can change your vision and thus your actions
a bending triangle of unconscious things.... that lead to the conclusion
we have the same carpet!

we have the same thing
something made us buy it for a show, for a house, for a memory, for an idea, for a place , for a time.....eternal

maybe cells were the same
or thoughts issued were the same
or feelings were in line
or Allah wanted me to have something
to grab a hold on to giving me even more inspiration

we have the same carpet!

today i felt so happy!
I actually did something
ive been mising, been so afraid of , been finding so hard to do
so hard to feel
even though I may not be perfect
I did it
and im proud
2 down 3 to go
am going out
am gonna try

I love my husband
hes an amazing man
makes me calm when im bubbling lava
just like the cool ice in my cup
hes sweet to me when i dont deserve

today I wanted to immerse in Ramdan
Alaahuma Baligni Ramadan

Ya Rab
let me be lucky .... today
 ya Rab am so out of touch with my body but I want to feeeeelll again
want to try again
want to live again
want to understand who I am again
want to love who I am again/////


Saturday, June 7, 2014


I miss being healthy
can you miss something you never where?
I miss being happy with every single small thing i have cellular
can you miss something you never did
I miss being in touch with every small part of me , knowing exactly the mechanisms of me , knowing precisely all that is within me, all that works for me and in me
can you miss something you never felt?
I miss doing things that are well and good
I miss saying things that are nice and kind
I miss being something that is treasureful
but can you miss something you never were?
I miss being excited, being wonderful
miss being undramataic
soulful rather than rumourful
I miss thinking about me in a me way
but can you miss something you never saw?
I never saw me excited wonderful, proud, kind, rumourless, undramatic, sweet, intelligent, and ...kind

can you become strong after the fade?
can you become coloured after all your substance faded?

to be continued

in denial

Obfuscation is the hiding of intended meaning in communication , making communication confusing willfully ambiguous and harder to interpret

he sat across from me and i sat besides her feeling like the room couldnt be smaller
all my thoughts unable to communicate how i felt
wanting to scream, wanting to shout, wanting to throw his mobile in the ground and shatter it into a million pieces
wanting to never say a single word
wanting to become the judge of my own life
wanting to ask...just who do you think y ouare you selfish coward
but all i could do was act obfuscated
lost in translation
looking at fathers killing their children out of insanity and finding that funny
I asked myself
is it really funny?
poor jasmine
laughing at her pain
I dont like who i am and i keep obfuscating the denial of cheapness within me
i keep pretending i am the good one when maybe im not
really im not
im weak
and im mean
and im angry
dont know why really
but all i know is
im getting nowhere

Friday, June 6, 2014

fragments of jasmine

Fragments of jasmine I can no longer smell her kindness
its like she was taken from us and not.... by her own intelligence
decisions that we... tried to ignore tried to save, tried to hide
and now fragments of jasmine is all i have
no longer the sweet comfort of her being..... ok
used to think it would never happen
used to think it would never happen like this
but it did and not fragments of jasmine are no more

I pray jasmine is whole and not  a fragment of her decisions
I pray jasmine is great and not ripped fragments
her decisions failing her
I pray she doesnt fail
i guess if we fail its ok
but if she fails  life will be a true disaster
I hope jasmine becomes whole
I promise i wont even speak my fears in fear they come true
I dont want them to come true
usually i am so defined i want to prove people wrong
but I dont want to prove jasmine wrong
please ya Allah
let her prove me right
i dont want to be right
let me be a fragment of misunderstanding and let her
be the happy one
the correct one
ya Allah let her be happy
and let her be ok
Ya Allah, please please help her

let her be a true jasmine able to grow and flourish and not ...wither away in dissappearance
for Jasmine will never be the same again

Monday, June 2, 2014

fragments heavy

I am a fragment
a big one
so heavy it just falls and falls
so dirty i am black with the heaviness
I am a fragment

totally a piece of something
that i am not sure what of
I am
a fragment
but heavy
so heavy it hurts
so heavy it spills
so heavy it means nothing but trouble
so heavy it burns with acid
so heavy it clashes with everything and ruins it
so heavy its pityful sorrowful pathetic

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -