Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Missing piece

To start in an end –
Conquering the battle that was never won
I raced in my heart for a reason why you were gone
The dawn of my tears rose in the day
I waited for your scent to clear them away
Glass broke in the alley of my dreams
It was a memory that broke deep inside of me
Of promises raining, falling on the step of my trust
All shattered remains drying to dust

There was a sky blazing with hope like the sunsets well of colors
Dark Orange and Blackened red
They painted me dead
Potions poured mistakes of true love’s magic
Powerful spells written that I was tragic

Tragic to fall in love with you
I thought that love was worth fighting for
Betrayed by my depths and core
I wanted to risk a chance for you because wanting you was all I knew
I said things would change -But nothing changed except me
Something forever became of me
Illiterate to my senses, foreign to my soul
Hiding secrets from myself
A strange choreographic image with my identity
I have lost the image that love can last for eternity
And it tears me apart

pieces of my heart

Distance hums in the distance
A suburban misconnection, transportation of minds
Flying networks of painful ideas
The train pulls up to the station of reminiscence
Destination – too far away
The consequence of reality
Outside the realms of the departure of your eyes
The galaxy dances melting into the arms of space
I remember the strength of your trace
Midnights ago pouring light over my shadow
And inside I am hollow
Crying tears for tomorrow
Unknown is my sorrow – to you

Monday, September 24, 2007

The princess bride

This book by William Goldman is an old classic fairytale originally written as The Princess Bride: S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure.

The book indeed involves adventure from princes and kings, princesses and Queens, Love and battle, giants and heroes, pursuits and games, magic and potions, wizards and enchantments, evil and treachery, betrayal, swords, seas and ships, Forests and mountains, castles, dungoens and completely unexplainable escapes!!!!

It is written in a unique style where we enter into the world and heart of this story at the time of long long ago and are involved with the heroes in the tale yet at the same time read backstage on why and how this book was written, the editing, shaping and reconstucting that was done to the original version -

The author William Goldman leaves us with 2 ideas from this book - The first is how the good parts where taken form the original version and used to make up the story in this print and two how the author Goldman came to carry this out. He explains how he came across the original version and what happened in his writing experience so he could get to this lovely book now.
We learn therefore the backstage views behind how this book was written, the editing and changes and when we read the book we have a full view of what is going on.

This book is a full heartly read and very enjoyable.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Crying dreams 2

Falling over my destiny
Tears unborn piling over time
Fears untold growing in my mind
Questions light my night life sky
Where is the answer in the darkness close by
Stay in my wonders the distance of fate
Away in the galaxy the nearest you hate
In my dreams you leave and close the door
The click of the future without you calls
Dream cells – cells locked forever
Held by cuffs of reality to never see the light
Your decision entailed a circumstantial reason
Born into the existence of a darkened fight
Bred into a knowledge of a weakened night
Envisioning a reflected twisted eyesight of beauty
Crossing the traffic light between junction and tomorrow
Standing on a lane that you borrowed
So what is it that you own?
Boxes of individuality thrown for eternity
Rafting through unknown space
You have words and ideas that are erasing with no trace
Unexplained meanings, wrong spellings of who you are The shadow of mistakes hiding your soul far

Heroes of our time
Quietly unused
Heroes of crime
Loudly abused

In a world where identity is lost
From fears of being odd
It is a shame that true gold of heart is tarnished and never cleaned

Broken story

In this farewell
A broken story
There's nothing to tell -
From the truth of a thousand lies

A broken story written with ink of misery
That faces mistakes for eternity
Faces of my identity because I am the calamity
I erase community and let go of my world
Put to rest
my failed test
in a grave alive

clean this slate
from my smeared fate
with the hands of uncertainty
strangle what I've done and let mercy come

wash away my anger
wash away my tear
just one fear
what have we done?

I can't face myself
I can't start again
just minutes to midnight
seconds to fight
seconds to kill
forever to regret
I can't cross out what I've become
and let go of what I've done

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Crying dreams

Escaping to a place where love is not transparent searching a road that wanders into a field where understanding is apparent
No silence quivers the drama of sorrow and no violence blows the breath dead of tomorrow.
Reaching for this majestic evolution, where help is in signposts of clear distribution

A desperate goal to find faces colored with warmth, even if in a fantasy
When eyes are closed from remorse.
Manufacturing a light that shines on our footsteps, to lead us into salvation and fidelity’s help.

Selfishness is a corporation that takes over minds guide
Leading us to an affiliation where to ignorance we abide
Miseducation on our problems that wrap us like our skin
Withers our dedication to perceive truth from within
Believing misconceptions that bloom with lies

Dreams wetted by cries and more cries

Pages of home

Sudan - The territory of blackness erupting pain through fake streets of peace
Yet stars glitter its skies proud of its misery in some sort of agreement to be committed to this magical land. The country of memories flying from soul to soul and whispering in African heart. Imagination of tribal butterflies - its wings a history of the past, yet a continuation into the future, Monsoon rains orchestral through the air.

Bamboozled by the grandest tropical African country
Its sunshine melts the lotion of tranquility on my foreign cracked skin
To leave a tan of magnificent tradition radiate once more from within
Its morning opening scent of home, wafts through to my acclimatizing heart
Drinking the cup of nationality tea so my eyes tastily capture;
Start to explore the vast warm majesty of African beauty
To reminder the long lost time of wonderful history

The streets coax my directions to live through their journey
The inviting houses feel like they were built to seduce my company
The night time stars and rippling blue and white Niles are a scenic fantasy
Coming true in the deepest love for my homeland imagery

Women decorate the soul of country earth
Their soft glistening ironed hair or ‘bob’ plaited hundreds
By their henna patterned outlines and achievements for a new day
By their root Toubs familiarly wrapped yet designed exquisitely unique
From their native voice of language that ribbons the gift for me; that sadness is evanescent
Men are the youth of a hopeful tomorrow; an introduction into the world of strength and gentlemen help
A birth certificate for elegance and good pride
Their soldierly care and fidelity never subsides
Their white formality and finishing turbans conclude their best

Relatives become my national anthem of joy
They offer me happiness connections that splits all dark
Their smiles and closeness binds my pages of home into a growing book of child – adult hood peace and natural growing up stories
Coffee and Friday prayers, lost slippers and afternoon naps, lighted neon verandas and past midnight laughs

It is a ceremony in my heart, that of Sudan, I am part
Khartoum, Darfur, Merowe and Juba, my reaping love starts
My outcast of commitment to return soars through my veins
My vision of tomorrow living where I belong is a song I will forever sing
To my place, I want to bring – a Sudanese breath, my youth wealth

Foreign cracked skin is because I am living abroad

A comment to woman’s hair is to state more of their beauty and then certain methods; the ‘bob’ plaits are where the hair looks like perfect squares

Henna; coming from the popular henna plant, famous in Sudan, used to decorate hands and feet and other parts of the woman’s body either black or dark red with flowers or other patterns

The Toub is a material as part of the tradition of the Sudanese women worn as outer piece of clothing for all occasions and is widespread in patterns and colors. Nowadays, it is the working woman and married woman that wear the traditional Toub

Men wear white clothing in Sudan with a certain tailored cut as well as white turbans.


Locked dreams
Sleeping tragedy
Broken heart
Frozen warmth
And undecided blades
Where to run through an already shattered mind
Painful magic trying to turn its power
Wrong place, Wrong time
Excuses are the crown
Failed thoughts
Torn ways
Over memories that continue to stay

I have an appointment with my tears

Friday, September 21, 2007

Locked dreams

My eyes send a droplet of a cry
It hits your face on the piece of art and runs quickly by,
Leaving me dry, doesn't wet, doesnt' soak through to make it real -
And you're still smiling looking at me, but not really me
Because I'm looking at you but you will never see

Reality is police that locks up dreams
I stare long and hard at its soft detail and fineness
Then close my eyes to revise its memory
But all I hear are sirens , faster and louder of misery
Their radar has detected this dream that is free
They must arrest it before more damage of fantasy can flee
Snatch it from my heart and take it away
Lock it in an envelope to suffocate its rays
That once shined upon me and left me pray
That one day we could have found each other someway
A picture of you and I
Never to be mine -
In the control of reality
Lost but never to be found
I can imagine it being shut in a corner
In a far away room
My life on the outside has been left to gloom
I'll always memorise what you meant to me
but reaching an understanding that we could never be

Twinkling darkness

Your eyes leave me enter into a world I don't know -
Of lost spaces, galaxies and mysterious unknowns -
So special is the twinkling of your brown and your stare -
I imagine stories & stories of when I wasn't there
If I think of you all the time - is it that I need to? or want to
If you shine to be my direction - are you a star of my imagination
If you are so so far away in body, mind and heart from me - Is it really meant to be? -

A Heart with memories waking at dusk
To cry shimmering sadness through the dawn
A Heart with fears sleeping under the moon
As magic and Love fly over an enchanted lost Lagoon

If I dreamt that you don't leave me be - Would I wake up with eyes lost in memory
If I wanted to help you but you could never see
To tell you what you meant - would you understand what my words spelt

Intensive care

Take the world to casualty
Resucitate it's povertyand stop its bleeding calamity
Nourishment empties out of its veins
So feed an IV - line to pour conscience back in it's drains
Shock so close to the world's despair
A patient out of the hands of saving care

A world where dreams fall through splashing tears into a sea of missing hope and nobody will listen to fear.-Drought in resistance and corruption yells loud, peace is screaming as bullets kill innocent crowds, bleeding all golden away as family’s shelter homes in graves; from war, from hunger, from the pain that treats them as slaves. Traumatizing life bruising veins running deep and the will to survive through cracked souls weeps. Ticking of the clock is so frighteningly fast and history is making itself before the past.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Diary 1

A diary expensive with loss and misery
Cheap with cold destiny
Atrocious in its spelling of life and fate telling
Ferocious in explanations that are from sanity missing

Lies and cries
Tears and fears
Wear and tear
Breaks and fakes

Fall on pages
That are weakened with emotional rages

The summary of Life

How we live today is really like a lecture
We can choose to learn it or leave it for later
And of course not knowing is a consequence for failure
We need to know the points that have made us weaker
Why we need to talk and aim to do better
Highlight the mistakes and erase our inner traitors
Judge correctly the summary of now
Treat it as a study so we can be more experienced at why’s, when’s and how’s.

There is always an answer to any question
What it is though is for you to determine
And so many reasons can be of influence
So expand our horizons education to grasp this coverage
Let us not become just any illiterate average
There are so many areas under sabotage – love, history and health;
Our days are a suffocating panorama; opposing, misusing, abusing;Life is no longer an extravaganza
Let’s search and search for the hidden euphoria;
But all I find is extreme mania.

Away, gone, invisible to the heart
A soul needs freedom and from anger it should part
Repeating the words in this lecture keeps being made
To insist on the burn-out of this consistent tearing blade;
Deceit to ourselves really because in the end it is us we are disappointing
But I don’t think we know that because otherwise we would be sharing;
Our views, our opinions, our goals - in a non forcing way
Maybe we will even agree to what others say.

Stay divided

Sunset bouillevard of my dreams
Catch the reflection of glass through your beams
Open the window of my thoughts
Let the crystals of sunshine melt what my pain brought
Until it heats away the crisp whisper of your night
Where the darkness of ghosts and my agonies fight
Taxis, 'Walk' and 'Don't walk' feed
Red, green and yellow into the picture of hollywood
But all that's famous is my lost neighborhood
Where you my dear used to live and occupy my heart
Neon lights from chinese's flicker but no happiness can brighten the blackness eroding in me.
Streets, junctions, high and motor ways and we stay to be - Stay divided, you and me.

Lady sovereigns

For all the injustice that dries your fantasies, for all the dreams that are turned into agonies
For all the evil that deplores your innocence, for all the pain that enters you from arrogance
Skeptical eyes that haunt your body’s wild, the trepidations that sunrise from black dawn minds;

People that offer their qualm scenery of opinion because they are simply a landscaping unkindness –
To you, the harrowing stories of lady sovereigns

For all the inequality that serves you incorrect, for all the moments you were a victim but became maliciously suspect
For every time your hearts beat out to ask, but nothing came back except a mundane task
Living in a street where magic is blocked out and the soldiers of ‘disrespect’, from your window of memories never gave you the benefit of the doubt
But you stand curved with beauty from the pain that flattens out your freedom
Malnourishment of listening ears to starve your voice but still you are encouraged to speak out with colors of your nature from your hidden kingdom – Where you are queens but crowned seldom as lady sovereigns

Heavily cast in a storm called the world; it wets your days with the chilling waters of racism
Thrown at your pearl and caramel faces the cold of secluding terrorism
Leaving blinding fear come alive from criminal extremism; sawing at what should be; your normal feminism
You are exposed to the maze that leads you through no acceptance –A path obscured by hardship but you show oblique tolerance
Sheets of violence become your bedspread but you wake up with extravagance
Because the night with its proud moon hails your light
And when the sun wakes up its rays reach out and sponsor your fight
When you open the door of the morning with a strong determination
To survive the day and be content with vivid expectations
Everything you can do and is held in power of manifestation
Even though no signposts or directions clear the path
Except ones that lead you forced from your opinion that swerved by a crash

Accidents such as becoming a wife and it wasn’t with affection
Becoming a mother when you wished for another decision
Falling into the realms of poverty when you admired education

I worship your dedication

A cycle of a circle of misery of hope
At every end you find a spark of continuation to turn and restart
A repeat of a struggle growing from within your hearts
Your sweet cries to the emotionless eyes shows no penetration to mercy
A tingling cinnamon breeze of confidence is burnt by ruthless sagacity
Raspy unknowns loom over your innocence and expand the horizons of an unfair calamity

Such as being deprived employment, an axe to your development, a slash to a once promised commitment
All an arctic of freezing taunt intertwined with a desert of external raging shutting prosperity
A mixture of unforgiving times whispers and you are unable to fathom the mystery
Of why you lady sovereigns are treated with such cruelty when your souls are tender and silk to the touch
The earth continues to enclose you in a hem of itchy stereotype but you are the real meaning of maturity being ripeLady sovereigns –

Withstanding all the points of views that bring you down, all the conflict that walls your around – your strength is magnificent to ponder upon; you play the most talented tune in the guitar of oppression- an instrument where the echo is a blunder of the future, yet you manage to bring forth the right chords and notes from your minds and replace it with a song of meaning I will never again find-Anywhere around the globe you have a responsibility you take with pride, all over the world you are the reason and from your reason you never hide – faces that conquer over the lavish battles spun out, you deserve all the title of lady sovereigns and what it’s about –

I am talking about any woman
I can ever dedicate this to -

You are supreme in what you have to go through; black as soot;But you gleam and stand out so I’ve called you lady sovereigns
And that would still be weakly put

Grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunts, miracles in every way-Doctors, housewives, officers, farmers, there is no occupation that from you is far away –You have reached out a record with your wisdom’s say
And I need to praise that if I may –But last –I want to encourage you so much more –I want to say; don’t ever let anyone fake your image, convince you weakness is in store –Don’t give them a chance to tell you, there is something out there you cannot do
Something in front of you, better than you; because there is no such thing –You are the best, the most important –so stay determinant –Think out your choices to minimize falling –And if you fall, pick yourself up and start walking
Nothing should cause you to stop healing
You are now only smarter and learning from a mistake
So stay Lady Sovereigns and don’t ever break

Watch ur watch

''I wonder will I ever fall in love – she smiled and let her imagination fly higher than she was right now''

Look what I've done - Broken all promises
Reach where I've gone -
Until you're lost in a premises of raped and scraped hope to survive

Steel noise in the blackness
Rotating darkness
Screeching at my nerves to scream

but I must hold on. Never give up.

Whispering ghosts of anxiety
Closer and nearer.
Until I can't hear myself anymore
My breath has suffocated in their company

but I must hold on. Never give up.

The time escapes me in the prison of life
Watches are hooks to black magic, dangling in our running arms to a sunny future
If we took them off - Maybe we could relax or better still, maybe we would see things at true speed
A speed that leaves our mistakes bare, a speed that leaves us ashamed to share and a speed that leaves us captive to our regret
but it would be too painful to reminsce on
broken love
So watches are re-stripped to hypnotise
the new waking sun

Echoes in my mind ( Stay)

Bewildered through your eyes
Warmth melts from behind their memories
Whatever they hold, blending in me like a remedy
Soothing my sharp wounds from knives tempered to my heart
But spearing out- are the reasons why we were always apart

''Since you flew to reach my footsteps and walk away from my beat
I tried to let you listen to my feelings
Time and time again -each wavelength dying out through the midnight of your shooting star rejection
I tried to show you how protected my heart rested when it saw you
Time and time again -you hampered its safety turning its sweet energy to a lifeless cry''

You never broke my fall of hurt
You never dried one tear of pain......

Those became puddles of flooding rain
Rain that spilled hearing the thunder of a future without you.

Bewildered by my mistake to still love you
Falling in the shadows of gripping reminiscence
Waiting for you to always give blinding evidence
That I could only care about you
Yet can never see using your love

Heart in pain

''I wish could stop dreaming of you
Skies bruised from my hurt''
Heart in pain
Shattering with bleeding emotion I had for you
Magical, murdered, mistaken devotion
''What holds my life together?
Amid smudged fingertips of identity,
I'm lost forever.
Contemplating my image dissolving,
I can't make contact with the shade of my soul. Receding into a mist are the echoes of my call, Shuddering to engulf me; are the pains of my fall. Weeping on the inside - Curling to the music of sadness''

Dreams had to be shattered
Love for you had to be smothered

I'll be

I'll be your eyes that will guide you in days of sorrow.................................

I'll be your cover in times of dark shadows
I'll be your undying strength when you feel weak
I’ll be your strongest voice when you cannot speak
I'll be your words when there’s nothing to say
I'll be the ray of light to shine your way
When I pray – I’ll constantly ask for your strength
When I pray – I’ll forever beg for your health
I want to be the kind key to turn in your heart
I want to be the warmth so your cold will depart
I wish for happiness to hold you closer
I wish for waves of Joy to bring you nearer
Let me be an answer if things cannot get clearer
Let me be your thoughts that would leave you heal
Let me be a smile to change how you feel
If I could show you what I want to give

Monday, September 17, 2007

Your protection

Your protection is what I need,
What I strive for and what I greed,
What I ask for when I pray,
And hope you bless me with it everyday.

Protecting me with the islamic belief,
Is such a great and wonderful relief.
You've taken me from having no surrounding,
To a complete and beautifal understanding-
Of this world and the hereafter,
One which one day I must encounter.

The Islamic faith is of love and kindness,
A protection from ignorance and total blindness.
Your teachings emphasise no cruelty ,
And instead protect the care and loyalty.

You my god show so much mercy,
Such a protection from all this severity.
This world which is chaotic and mad,
I'm glad your protection is at hand.

When all places give us despair,
Your mosque is the place for us to repair.
And then when we feel we cannot go on,
We raise our hands for you to look upon.

Its really your protection that were asking,
From sadness, pain,hate and suffering.

Please God ,
Your protection is what I need ,
What I strive for and what I greed,
Answer my prayers from above,
So in this world I can manage to get along.


Mountains of deception came in view with a footstep
So many lies forged beneath false honesty
Storms of greed were in forecast
Their time of closeness was dying fast
Their bond of friendship was shedding
Dark clouds now accompanied day and night
The love of romance could find no light
A playground of hate now surfaced so bright
A web of threats to a frightened soul
Dry kindness to a bleeding heart
This cold affection from a pack of eyes
This wedding brought so many tears
Suffocation from this joining is what can appear
Hands once supported were now neglected
A life once cared for was now isolated
A time once precious became a time so vicious
How could it have been known?
Sweet words and promises would all be torn
Misery from cruelty would be born
Left without care anymore, she was left alone
A trust forever, but there was a wrong side, a strange turn
A path to walk on that could only burn

A malicious entry with a closed escape
Too strong for too long and they don’t deserve to see, that kind of power glowing
She stayed quiet from respect and they took it as winning
Seas of events filmed and taped
Streets of mistakes were laid
Hours of crime were ticking
Until it exploded in their faces, leaving a history bare with their own shame
And a woman whose journey should be a direction -

For the kind to be careful, the young and old to be aware
Protection until eternity might not be a lover's concern
Be very wise and trust with mind
Your heart could fool you to what you should findFall in love but never be blind


They wrap me up like my skin
Cold concrete slabs of power against my weakness
Solid growing barriers looming higher to leave me in darkness

Communication breakdown
Understanding Fail down
Splitting me from time
Blackening my world
Rough and hard walls
They're protecting life from me

Life from me

Exported blocks of unhappiness
Construction against forgivness
Elimination of a smile
Shutting of a breathing file
Closed walls
No escape of life to me

Life to me

Through a paradise stairs of my dreams

Hurt through waves of lives gone by
Its all left my eyes go dry
Saying love is only ok
Heartbeats spilled by lost balanced footsteps
Broken by tears too heavy for my soul
Split through a time too crazy to hear my call

Afraid from trust so clean with fear
Worried about loving with a key of dangled tears
That opens the way to crimson lost darkness
Closing the touch to a heart felt – beat

Through a paradise stairs of my dreams are strung flowers with petals honeyed with a journey to the stars sprinkling though the sky floating to an eternity where suddenly …. A transparent reality releases from gravity and plummets attracted by my sorrow.

Thought - silently erupting though me as I - motionless as can be – Try and whisper the madness of love that gushes over me when I think of you – Just your name becomes a waterfall for crashing fantasy – your face like the twin of my identity – your breath, ways and core – like something I should be…. Near –

But ‘Near’ is not the shape of our connection - Understanding which is broken into caring which is further broken into Love – is not the right grammar - You have taught me nothing but feeling you don’t feel anything – I have learned everything but learning I could ever tell you when I need you – and the story continues… continues to fall out of love.

Remembering the sound of feeling onceEchoing the shadow of glittering emotionWaking to your forgotten devotionSleeping to a memory that will forever corrode… but will forever explode... Through a paradise stairs of my dreams… and so on........

Echoes in my mind (travel)

Vast oceans, lands and dreams seperate us. Lack of communication, wrong interpretations and fantasies on different terminals have come between us but most of all - What travels through your mind when you think of me - Nothing
Why is it that I can't stop thinking about you. All of a sudden my world has become revolved around you - Once more I dream of only you and I want the years to speed up so I can see where I am in your heart. If you would be near and make my soul smile because you have changed all my hearts wants and needs.
It's just that time remains as it is and you still so far away, sometimes those close fantasies fade and blur with the distance. Yet - I swear you are closer now to me more than ever and I just wish I could reach out to you, tell you how I feel and how much it hurts me to see you like this.

Sunday, September 16, 2007


A prayer of thanks:

I thank you for the circus beat in my life

For parallel angles you line on my path

For being safely hurt through cries and tears

For understanding my confusion, hopes and fears

I thank you for being there for me

Even though I've forgotten how to be nice to you

Strange twists of fate that open new inviting gates


War - water, air & rocks.

If War stood for water, air and rocks, all essential, beneficial then war would mean something so alive with peace of nature-BUT
Disconnected universes of meanings have exploded silently to label a highlight that shines to wipe away our planet - Fuming galaxies of written understandings come crashing as a raging comet speeding into a future that I could only wish would experience WAR as simplicity of beauty - water, air and rocks.

Rage no more

Rage - I feel it's intertwining tail gripping through my affection and suffocating my reason, trust solutionised with magic - I used to hold for you. Sometimes I feel it's good for Rage to grab hold of me - maybe it's a therapeutic dose that calms my shock and hyper state of anger towards the simple disease of betrayal you infected me with. Other times my fever rises, my cries of pain anguish and I am psychotically lost but entered to madness of contaminating a future without you.

But finally - today for everyday in everyway -

New way, new ray coming from a sunshine that fell on me again. All I have to say is no need for collapsing dreams only the need for a breath that is looking at a shining beam - once more - the storm has ended, the winds have been pushed back, there is no need for fear and there is no reason to give up. No more.



A cold heart dripping with frozen spikes yet I can feel the numbness from broken promises that shatter through my chilling memory that is melting in a corner of snowing agony and kerbs that slippery communicate a silent tick with icecold sorrow and regret.

Retreating into the waters of an ocean's foam that drowns me with cries, every sizzling tear of pain falling truly wiping my heart away like adjunct therapy but it was only suffocating reality.

And now I'm lost to the colour of a place that paints me as I erase into a blackness of weakened trust/ fading romance/spilled twinkling stars. I can only let drawings of fake words made by cheap letters that I once beautifully adored - sip through written papers of fate. DRIP DROP, pearls of black nail varnish seal an outline over my printed heart and close ALL THIS with an evil kiss of time that I can never break apart.

Echoes in my mind - ( So far away)

Words said behind prison bars lose their charm - Secrets locked that evict my heart .... To a Palm tree shore where I am trapped within the memory of a tropical catastrophe - The tips of the ocean splashing to invade my faded coral soul - Once sprinkled with the caribbean jewels of promises glistening in your brown eyes belonging to me - Gold sand melting my footsteps as I walk away - Yet everything in me still wants to stay... With you -

Friday, September 14, 2007

African Green 1 (POW)

Echoes in my mind - (Fake)

I stare in the mirror and I don't know who I am - Eyes with a dark soul grab me from within, choking my identity - Losing my heart to you was all wrong - and now I've been serving a crime of clashed hopes and fears. The mirror does not lie - My weakness cries out to my odd reflection and begs for help - Believing in you was a mistake - It left me fake - Withering heartbeat in response to an emergency call fading out to the suburbs of love - driving in the other direction and I cannot be saved- Withering ....Fading....Dying - My emotions for you have died - Petals floating in the wind of a communication with the summer angels in the sky... I think I cannot get by but the swivel of remnant future air escapes in me and soon rushes peace in the darkness of my deserted pain.... In the land of blinding cold rain, Soon, I raise my face to the blackness in that Sky of Life and know there is a new Sunrise - a continuation of the Dream... Due... For sure -

Truth from lies 1

Oh no - how was she going to answer?? - all the memories of the past suddenly came speeding through her - pain - lies - dishonesty - unfaithfullness- it was a film rolling through her mind, seperating her from where she was now - she couldnt get out of 'The cinema' she had just entered - a film of memories -

How he had hurt her - told her he loved her but it meant nothing - told her he cared but left her alone -Then the fear she had tried to always hide came bulging its way in front of her eyes - all men would do this to her - all men would say they cared and then forget - change into someone else -

'so what do you say?'
'well ..um... I dont know..'
'Look.. I want to show you around the place- take you out to eat , just somewhere where we can hang out-'

He looked at her from the other side of the table and made a begging funny face -
she couldnt help but smile amidst her dark clouds

She wanted to go out with him - somehow from within the smallest shadow of hope she felt he was different. and she liked that - she had never felt comfortable in her mind for a long time - but she was still scared- this is how the problems could start all over again - and it had only been less than a year when the past she hated to remember had been real -

He had almost thought he won her over - Her eyes were melting .......

'I'm sorry we cant- too much work and I really need to get it done- so you can take a break on your own but I can't-'


Falling, splashing in my memories

Every droplet announcing a wake of a tear

Introducing puddles of reflection

Becoming cold are the tips of my body and soon my core

Breathing pearls belonging to the sky yearned by land - I leave out my hand in the shiver of existence

For the heavy clouds to pass over my soil

Rain - wash away my pain

Don't stop raining until you wash my sins

Clean my old century monastery of screaming dry Regret.

I have never felt.

Any more impurity.

So soak my hurt out of me and into you

Down the street of forgetting

Until my sorrow drops down a dream

and I can no longer remember

Rain. To you I surrender


Afraid to have my heart broken; shattering on the ground spilling dreams that were warm now surrendering to the cold tiles of an afterlife of betrayal.

Afraid to feel my heart torn losing any knowledge I once knew of love, thrown into an existence of a million regrets falling on the ground of failure.

Afraid to hear my heart crying, listening to the sounds of strength rupturing; then I would know I cannot stop the echoing of hurt screaming inside of me, the travel of weakness within me.

Afraid to smell flowers of pain born, blooming sadly withering the periphery of my heart’s desire to fall in need and imagine a destiny of happiness; A garden collapsing to a weed of sorrow.

Afraid to have my heart broken
Afraid to feel my heart torn
Afraid to hear my heart crying
Afraid to smell flowers of pain born
Afraid to know you and then to lose
Afraid to know you and then to receive
The news that true love can deceive
Afraid to look out into a world of a trembling shadow
Where walls close me in a darkened hollow

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Dream on

If you want something, you should not lose yourself to get it
If you feel you have the power to do something how can you feel helpless at the same time?

My hands are confused, my words are odd, my hearts in amnesia of dreams.

I have forgotten my dreams

I cant change the past, I can only save my future
it's a shame to lose that future crying
I will lose -
If I dont help myself

If I forget my challenges I once put out to achieve, if I forget my hopes, my passions, my fears, my ambitions, my wants, my love and my heart and my soul.

All these things that in the beginning and the end make me

What are my dreams?
They all begin with one - that I never fail myself.


Empty from so much dreaming
Empty with all this pain
Hurting from being empty without you
Empty with an imagination to be -
Filled by your love
Empty from believing wonders could happen
Empty from falling in space
Empty from a broken fantasy splashing to wake me up
Misunderstanding was my lesson not learnt
Empty from hating to forgive myself
Empty from the fears that keep tearing me inside

So what will fill me?

Dizzy days

Living where the Sun twirls and the stars swirl, my life is running so fast and I can never catch up – Everything is ahead of me – All I want to say and do is somewhere I cannot reach – I feel that I am the smallest rock in the ocean – falling and falling in darkness. But in Reality, I am living where Urban Streets race to an unforgiving future and trails of musical experiences blare through sound systems of woofer catastrophes. Youth is catastrophic – Split from my heart when I was young; I forgot how to read my thoughts – Understanding the galaxy so small in front of me – I failed it intensively – Who am I/Where am I and What should I be – I am LOST living in a fragile scene and should be a soldier fulfilling dreams –

It’s always pouring disdain - it’s always splashing fear of rain all over my soul.
MISUNDERSTANDING is the key to my misery yet I don’t know that because I’ve never tried to discover- If I searched for my happiness from deep within me, I would find I was looking in all the wrong places. If I tried to begin from a new road and find a different journey than the one I am taking now – My ideas in life would change – MY opportunities would increase vastly and my success would never falter – But this journey I never want to try. This road I have heard about and I never ask for directions, I never ask for hope to believe.

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -