Thursday, June 27, 2013

6 down, 1 to go

I'm angry with myself at being so cold
and far away from the woman who should be so close
I'm desperate for a lief change , maybe this new adventure
will be a new response to the tiredness inside me
for I will live like a... a challenge
hidden in the countryside and working hard
spiritually, bodily, academically and beauty
but none of it will work if I am not ready
right now I feel like just another old day
...although these are special days
I am forcing them to become nothing
spending hours like dead flowers
just throwing them away

I made a friend today unlike the other
this woman is amazing
kind at heart
and spiritual
i admire her hard work and dedication to islam
and I also admire her strength and power to keep at it
although others let go a long time ago
.... she thought she would just die
its a term for saying she was really tired
but she still went unlike me I
just ...slept
and felt ...useless
anyway its too late saying anything now
im at the end
and im at the finish line
i will win inshallah no matter what but i will also
only make it harder for day
other days

this is the time to prove good things
i will go and be hidden and i will make this time like....
a quest to succeed
for its just me

no oone else can make me
do something i dont want to

and i dont want to be like who I am now
so why am I then like the way I am now?

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

the quest for jewels is over.... the quest for life has begun

Is it that im addicted to the game or im just so empty the game has filled me
after days wof unintentional madness simply my time being stolen away
i decide to ..erase this damn thing for i am a person of imbalance
either its all or nothing
and i decide this has to be nothing
for it is

a worthless part of my existence
nothing it could do but waste my time and ruin my eyes and fail my life
an F -  but i reached level 167!
imagine reaching level 167 in heaven now isnt that a real game to win
imagine reading 167 useful books
memorising 167 ayas from the quran
imagine losing 167 pounds
prob way too much than i need
imagining to listening to 167 good songs
imagine scanning 167 pages that you need to
imagine saying alhamdulilah, allahu akbar, la ilaha ila allah, istagfurallah, subhan allah
imagine saying i love you 167 times to the man you love
imagine writing 167 memorable things
imagine staying off facebook 167 days

God im tired
that means im so sad and angry at myself
and i want to pull this rope around my running life, stop chasing it and bring it back to me
because after all i do own it here on earth after you
ya rab
i own my life and not jewel quest
my quest should be for you
and not for getting to the next level before time is up
im amazed how i get a thrill that i have to win before time runs out
what am i doing in my own life/
where is my time bar ? at
it could be anywhere
i dont know
and im not even playing
where are you |HOPE!!

7 down, 2 to go

with one thing he says, he makes my heart beat  again and
my lips tremble again and my eyes scream again for his touch
waiting all day , for him to say...something to make
me trigger my life and love and for him
something in his voice makes me instantly admire my choice
and want to leave everything and be with him forever
I ask myself - how can I make him see that he's the one for me/
i guess with good options and a sweet heart
the one i used to have
but why have i gone so bitter?
could i really have let people eat me like that
and tear me like that until
all goodness inside me is ..optional
and not mandatory
i ask myself
his voice is the reason i go on
the way he drives me crazy and i want to be his baby
african soldier i think he is
tall and strong and yet kind and sweet
I feel god answered my prayers even though i didnt know what they were
 but i remember thinking this is my prayer coming true
and i had no fear or doubt or faltering for i just knew things were
and they still are even if parts within me need to be superglued
for i feel so behind in myself
and my wealth
and my treasures
and insanity
my yough
i feel older than i should be
and i feel younger than my age
my... pinpoint is off
and i must find it again
so i can gain
all and everything God wanted me to have
i call this year
the year of treasures and gifts
for since it started ive only recieved gifts
and i think again
either god is wrong in giving them to you
or you turned out to be not like you should
a master of faith and a beautiful muslim woman
where are you hope?
at least this repaying time i feel solid again even though
im weak
i feel solid a little bit
i should try to do things that make me solid

6 down , 3 to go

ya allah

forgive me for ive let my gaurd down
i want to repay what ive taken without allowance
and i want to ask your forgiveness
can you pay me it for free?
its so expensive please let me afford your forgiveness
ya allah
i ask your remedy and your help
please help me pay off my debt
not because i have to but because i want to
because i want to offer you waht is rightfully yours
not even as a voluntary offering
ya rab
im so behind in my prayers
and my existence with you
i dont feel proud of myself
and icertainly ddont feel beautiful
i feel large and empty
i feel weak and never strong
i feel so indifferent with my steps and who i am
i feel challenged my simple things
like...doing something important such as 3 to go
and i feel yet a little proud that ive finally done something
so hard that should be so easy such as .... start remotely to fix my life
except im jealous of what i dont know
and i know jealousy is an awful thing
im jealous of my own life!
i dont know how i think anymore
i just know im tired
which  i know means im falling apart and i need saving by you my god

Sudan fairytale 1_ winter white princess

this time last year - i never thought i would be where i am today
wearing ivory a winter white tale
waiting for the snowflakes to fall in december
as i dance the tradition ive waited for all my life...
i saw it in pictures and watched it live
my eyes blazing for a try
but this time last year i never thought i could try
to be the live girl that other youngsters be
this time last year i never thought i could meet the man of my dreams
falling from heaven or breaking my own fall
i dont know but i never thought it would be
that he would find me
and i never thought i would go looking for a winter white dress
with lace and tulle and flowing armor
or ivory winter white delight
suprise i suprise my life
with winter white
I want to be right
about who i am and my choices
if i pause life i would see this is the answer to my prayers
if i turn off life and see the hidden overworld
i would see devils that ive let override me like the candy shoot
i just cant beat it
no matter how many times i play
they eat me and my desire and my happiness is their drug
they feed on me and my smile and the sun i look up to and the dreams i want
and the health i have
they carve me alive and tear me open and i let them
its all in the background
their evil cascading sharp knives searing me
they wait for me then to simply
dissapoint myself
and feel the s ame that day when i got a pass and not a distinction
the same thing
yeah you danced it was ok
but it wasnt... a distinction
they wont say it but
theyll speak it with their eyes
if only you ...

ivory is winter white and i love it
the soft memories it will create and the long dress no other girl may have
i cant wait for him to see and i cant wait to make my dreams fully come true
where are my emotions and my temptations to be that girl
before i become that woman
the page is still being written and i am only sad that i close it ...unclosed
for there is so little time bfore this book reaches the end and a new one begins
and i dont want it to be like that game
try again
no i want to win if its a competition
i want to break free if its a challenge
i want to sleep at night in the arms of who i love
i want to come to him for help
i want to ask him anything
i want to lay in his arms and place my heart on his
i want to cook roast chicken with couscous... and if they dont have it in sudan
ill work with rice
for i want to modify and try to be that girl who never finds a blocked wall
I want to wear ivory and be the winter white princess
with a fairytale beginning
 Iwant to be Sudan fairytale for real
for ive always called myself that and now this is the chance to be it
the girl ive been dreaming to be not just by words
not just by words anymore


that girl

theres a lot on my mind
like how inaccurate ive become
like where im gona stay on the 6th
that ive become conceited and not confident
that im a drama queen and do toddler tantrums
that im just a lost girl
for a woman doesnt do what I do
theres a lot on my mind
like where am I going
this is the last ramadan
that ill forever be alone
should i not do something about it
God is certainly

should i not become... true hope
living on the smallest and feeling the biggest dream
come true
like doing nothing but praying and dancing
and like not wasting time
and like working hard
and being ontime
and never missing one day

being that girl
and not this girl

theres a lot on my mind
like i should i take a handbag or a big suitcase
could i survive this or will i fail
what does faithful think of me?
I hope he loves me
even when im far
for i terribly miss him
this time worse than before
this time better than before
for i feel closer than far
and i feel younger than old
and i feel excited so so excited than
but i also feel.// turmoil that
im changing
and becoming different to the woman i know
will  i be ,,, just too ....strange for him?
i dont know ....

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

encountering a heartbreak

Today, I walked by a woman whom i recognised but couldnt understand where, however before she even let me she also identified me and started to say hello - I scrapped my memory to try remember wherd id known her and then i saw her beautiful 5 year old daughter and instantly remembered but at the same time was intimately stabbed -

this woman - a young lady - I had first seen in the mosque about 2 years ago in a friday prayer - she was wearing the most beautiful hijab and she looked european, indian, arabic all at the same time - she was composed and was sweet to her daughter and i just fell in love at her style of life - and thought this woman is amazing clearly a convert and yet better than us - smarter she made a right choice and prettier - she must have a beautiful life ahead of her her and she must be in love with her husband her her husband in love with her ... i started day dreaming and imagining my own life then and prayed to be a strong muslim woman like her and sweet and pretty and have a lovely daughter like hers -

BAM - I look at her now and shes the same girl but not the same woman - her headscarf off and her hair jet black to her back she wears a skinny top and i can see her fair skin - she also wears tight jeans and sandals, oh and  a cool leather jacket - she still has her pretty daughter and this time walks with a pram - im shocked the picture is so different eve nthe way she says hello is ...wrong ...- i cant speak or smile
thats where i recognised her from - shes that beautiful girl i wanted to be like that day i saw her in the mosque
but now
she - takes of her hijab and wears 'normal' clothes and i cant find anyhting to attract myself to her
the feeling of weakness and poverty
i think to myself
i never want to be like that
going back
meeeting someone in the future who looked up to me and finds me in the wrong place
i tihnk to myself i dont want to let anybody down like that
escpecially god

BAM - ive letgod down a million times
purely praying at wrong times is a let down
hes seen me in way he never thought hed seen me
simply bein so worried about little things and being unable to let those little things fade away
hes suprised that i could ever think like this
Purely forgetting him and his prayrs and his beautiful deen and quran
hes asking why is this faithful girl once so beautiful now so ugly?
i never expected this of her
for her to change like this

and suddenly the same feeling i felt when i saw that woman
i knew i made God feel

and i felt ....terrible
and adamant to change

to be continued (she broke my heart)

think of allah...the beginning and the end

when you feel lost
when you lose the way
when you feel the world is too small
and you want to buy the galaxy
when you are scared of trying
andseeing others succeed
and you not ..
when youre so broken to judge yourself
you just stand in the spot
and forget the world
and remember the guilt
and of never trying hard enough
or never trying at all
think of allah and try pull out your hand
maybe a kind angel will lift you from the ground
and help you on your way
to freedom and a new life
filled with identity and you strive
to do better
and believe
and never feel like your light
or you cant fight
think of allah before and after ramadan
for this is the first year
you have not even remotely thought of ramadan
and its on the doors
this is the first ramadan you just dont care
although you should think of your travels
as a new place to be to remember allah
to be with allah and only him
for you shall have nothing to
and nowhere to be
i think you should try think of this ramadan as the final one being single
the final one being like this... the final one being the hope you know
never again willl you have a ramadan like this....alone
and it should be the only ramadan where you are saying goodbye to an old life
and saying hello to a new one
where you maybe under stars in different hemispheres
and you should thank god
you ARE HERE and not there!!!
i think you should breathe everything right
and do everything perfect
and be everything you werent
and do everything you couldnt
and be the woman you deserve to be and want to be
because its the last goodbye to a life you once knew
before you put your back to that life
you should at least say i finshed it with closure
and have nothing
nothing clinging on to the future
for the future yet unknown and clean
so leave it clean and never ... stained with the past
this ramadan
you should remember God and what hes done
the year of gifts
you always said 13 was a good number for you never believing in silly rituals
and it turned out and inshallah will be the best year
for i have more than 13 gifts and 13 smiles and 13 options
and i have a life worth living
so this ramadan you should spen thanking and not asking
and if you do ask you should ask God for his forgiveness
and you should give him your undivided attention..........
and you should be ....thankful for health
and wealth
and magic and sweetness
and honey like temptations
and feverish charachters
and young hearts
you should cop on
.... and cop your soul
and offer it nothing but control
and imprison it if ith as to be
until you regain power of your shattered body
and bruised collection of time.....

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Marilyn in hope (4)

Theres a time where I dont know who I am
I feel lost and strange in my surroundings
and i wonder where i need to go to feel at home
I feel like home is a far away land that I may never reach
for as long as I am in turmoil inside
then I am at war outside
with the human that I am
and the way that I look
and the changes that seem impossible because
they are impossible because I am impossible
because  I cant believe them
and sometimes I Dont even want them
because i think - I dont deserve them
and so I must bewrong
to be this happy
the hope that I once knew is gone
at least
at least
I used to feel sorry for myself when  i did wrong
now i dont even care
the hope i once knew is finished
now I dont even understand what is going on
and im too weak to try
its like the battle is already won and im still fighting
so im fighting a lost battle
ive let others take hold of my power
ive let others want things for me that i want
ive let others take from me what i want
ive let others enter and leave as they please
I am a huuge failure right now
unable to think for myself and
most dangerously
unable to do as i desire
there is no marilyn in hope
or hope in marilyn
there is no hope anywhere
i just feel dead , like her

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

you will say...I will never be sad again... from my own willing

i will never be sad again from my own willing
iv decedied ive never had such a better beginning
all white distant and around the world
all for me and i am free
by gods will
I am
I will never be sad with my own freedom
i will love my heart and soul so large with no treason
of a devils interference
i will never be heartbroken without queue
I wll never fail and waste time
i will never stop believing in God and thanking him
for he has never been but kind to me
and sweet to me
and given me happy choices
and proud one
and ones that i want
 and fitted perfectly for me
and offered to me
and i take them
i will never be but elegant
for i am an elegant woman
and i shall strive to show the world
and myself
and i will stop coming 7th and be first
for my faith deserves the representance
and i will represent
and have meaning for A heaven

you will say me God

not of size .... they will say
hips too big but heart but too small
Im tired of being unconscious in this world
feeling like the sun is always down
but even then
my nights used to be glamorous and enticined with colour
infused with flavour
healthy..... you are not they will say
they will look with I told you so eyes
and i must be prepared
to not be shattered
for I am unfit
for such a beauty
I dont think this is how im meant to feel
I dont know how im meant to feel
but its not this

I feel like im at that point where cops pull you down and want to arrest you
pushing your face to the ground
and screaming the rules at your face
your body is crushed underneath them

life is that police man right now
even though
its 6.45am
and im free in the cool of a bright promising morning sitting looking out at windows to the trees
as i type silently waiting for something to happen


Saturday, June 15, 2013

Perfect prayer_(POW)

dear home,

Dear home,
I miss your bright sun and explicit heat
your dirty streets mud clean
I miss the way you cry with horns and sleep with dog barks
and I miss also the unbalanced nature of design amongst houses and freedom
I miss your 4pm azan for asr - and the queit melancholy of  an afternoon nap
I miss the queit bustle of a mid afternoon extravaganza of tea
some like it dark some like it light
... I miss  walking barefoot on yard tiles with a try of 4 pm afternoon tea
I have to say
Dear home
I miss the dangerous ride of time with you
suddenly I pray maghrib prayer  on fresh open air
watching the stars wake up

Friday, June 14, 2013

When you live_ (POW)

champagne it is/////

forbidden to the taste, I dont want it except in colour
never before sensuality to the lust of creation
its beautiful
divine deepness
with difference
a mystery with an unseen flavour
some say
so what
i like dirty
but also
whispering in the night
and not screaming opposite
I think
its perfect
makes your skin beg to glitter
and makes
life just
that bit... elegant
for ive chosen
and only one person in sudan
khartoum downtown
knows... the
man of my dreams
the man of my ...dreams
no other way to describe him

hes also
a bit darker than white
and blended with ...champagne

Friday, June 7, 2013

Starting again_freedom in alexandria

New day , new way
I must push myself to not go astray
needing to live life
but also remember death
for time is explicit and I cannot afford its wealth
of trust and truth and love and patience
I must become the hope filled with extravagance
and affordability,
blended with mango of joy
orange to the core
red to the heart
blue to the soul
crystal clear
of others want to lie
i will never falter
if others want to cry
i will never shy
away from my love of god first
then my soldier
then my family
then my friends
then myself
for loving oneself is a recipe for disaster
and i do not want to be a disaster

if i learned anyhting this holiday its
that time is really like a sword
for it waso nly a few days
my cousin was young and bold
and ...single
and its only a few days that life took
her to another plan
no one would have imagined it
and no one would have guessed it

walking along alexandria pavements
and listening to ...romantic songs
holding hands
and ....changing
with a man that is really a stranger
even now

time tears people apart
and changes peoples trust
and brings new roads we have to travel on
by meaning or by chance

if i learnt anything
its time is dangerous and
and is not a joke to be taken lightly
for everyday we pay time
to live
and everysecond
we should thank that we have time
to forgive
and others

I love sudan
but i get lost in its drama
something that makes me scraped
bleeding with recurrent talk
and loss of identity
i have lost myself
within trying to find myself

i dont know who I am
....and yet
I know i am a strong woman
one that will never give up
to reach her dreams
and one that will never
let down her faith

even if i have sinned
ya rab samihni
and even if i have forgotten
ya rab i will remember

I must get hungry for the search
i must get focused

for only then
can others truly want me
and need me


Monday, June 3, 2013

where have you gone/?

THere comes a time in my mind where  i cannot influence even myself
and i feel really small
because my mind is all about others and never about God or myself or people that i love
and there comes a time in my heart where i feel something else owns it
like sleep or the devil or the sultanate of the past
and there comes a time when i hold my fingers upon the letters and i cannot even remember what i feel so i cannot write


and i feellike i dont own anything in this world
except wasted space

Re: and yet I own the world because i am a muslim woman
young and free and in love
with life with a fierce man of honour and with success
and home earth as well as time
and health
and thoughts that are expensive
and a a chance to grow old
but stay young
i have the chance to get up on time if i want to
and lose all my fears if i want to
and become a new person if i say so
and stop talking if i mean it
and ask for nothing if i decide
 except heaven

right now
i am asking for everything but heaven
indeed i ask for hell
for i purposely want to do wrong things

so i ask myself
where am i?
am  i the black spot on a white piece of paper
or am i the rotten apple amongst a barrel
or am i hydrogen sulphide of a dying egg

i dont know
i just feel like
i dont deserve anything right now
except a little splash of disgust

AND YET>.....

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -