Tuesday, June 25, 2013

encountering a heartbreak

Today, I walked by a woman whom i recognised but couldnt understand where, however before she even let me she also identified me and started to say hello - I scrapped my memory to try remember wherd id known her and then i saw her beautiful 5 year old daughter and instantly remembered but at the same time was intimately stabbed -

this woman - a young lady - I had first seen in the mosque about 2 years ago in a friday prayer - she was wearing the most beautiful hijab and she looked european, indian, arabic all at the same time - she was composed and was sweet to her daughter and i just fell in love at her style of life - and thought this woman is amazing clearly a convert and yet better than us - smarter she made a right choice and prettier - she must have a beautiful life ahead of her her and she must be in love with her husband her her husband in love with her ... i started day dreaming and imagining my own life then and prayed to be a strong muslim woman like her and sweet and pretty and have a lovely daughter like hers -

BAM - I look at her now and shes the same girl but not the same woman - her headscarf off and her hair jet black to her back she wears a skinny top and i can see her fair skin - she also wears tight jeans and sandals, oh and  a cool leather jacket - she still has her pretty daughter and this time walks with a pram - im shocked the picture is so different eve nthe way she says hello is ...wrong ...- i cant speak or smile
thats where i recognised her from - shes that beautiful girl i wanted to be like that day i saw her in the mosque
but now
she - takes of her hijab and wears 'normal' clothes and i cant find anyhting to attract myself to her
the feeling of weakness and poverty
i think to myself
i never want to be like that
going back
meeeting someone in the future who looked up to me and finds me in the wrong place
i tihnk to myself i dont want to let anybody down like that
escpecially god

BAM - ive letgod down a million times
purely praying at wrong times is a let down
hes seen me in way he never thought hed seen me
simply bein so worried about little things and being unable to let those little things fade away
hes suprised that i could ever think like this
Purely forgetting him and his prayrs and his beautiful deen and quran
hes asking why is this faithful girl once so beautiful now so ugly?
i never expected this of her
for her to change like this

and suddenly the same feeling i felt when i saw that woman
i knew i made God feel

and i felt ....terrible
and adamant to change

to be continued (she broke my heart)

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -