Wednesday, June 19, 2013

you will say me God

not of size .... they will say
hips too big but heart but too small
Im tired of being unconscious in this world
feeling like the sun is always down
but even then
my nights used to be glamorous and enticined with colour
infused with flavour
healthy..... you are not they will say
they will look with I told you so eyes
and i must be prepared
to not be shattered
for I am unfit
for such a beauty
I dont think this is how im meant to feel
I dont know how im meant to feel
but its not this

I feel like im at that point where cops pull you down and want to arrest you
pushing your face to the ground
and screaming the rules at your face
your body is crushed underneath them

life is that police man right now
even though
its 6.45am
and im free in the cool of a bright promising morning sitting looking out at windows to the trees
as i type silently waiting for something to happen


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -