Monday, August 25, 2014

aches and pains

dark and gloomy day
i still havnt stays from my ways
of ill keeping

windy and cranky
i wake up a mystery of ugliness and the inability to think
or blink
into goodness

cold and misery
like the weather
i am but another
make today

filled with aches and pains
and the sensation to do evil
to say wrong
to stir a fight
and to make eyes flare

but i promised that part of me must be tamed
and aimed to do nicer
I am tired

of who ive become

a woman of treason
and no reason
to do things

but I am hope
his hope
my hope
and  Iwll never giveu p

to be that person that is inside of me

Sunday, August 24, 2014

BED project ... the intro

THIS was the old me .....................

Lost, forgotten, beautiful but ... hidden and shabby, too scared to feel everything and believe that nothing is beyond her...
deep down beautiful but just feeling too old to come to the surface and live her dreams...

and so  I take a deep breath and dont like the rotten smell of fear and dishonesty within myself for myself

and I decide to ... full stop that part of me

and start again

Project BED 

is a discovery, a new entry into a future i want to be happy in and a present that really is a present
where there is no remorse within me, no fears, no regrets, no guilt, no awkwardness, no drama, no histories that are hanging, no hatred, no consumptions, no darkness..... no

just BED

I want to take care of my BED

B is for Body 

E is for Education

D is for Deen (Faith) 

I want and need to takae care of my Body. From stopping biting my nails to learning to love myself again. For Ive realised that Ive stopped loving ymself ... although my body does love me... and tries its best everyday
I just ignore

been battered and abused by my own one elses...
I ask myself -- how much make up and , jewellery and cool clothes , and and that you have and yet not appreciate? maybe even not use?
I bought Mac makeup a collection that cost me nearly 200 pound sterling and ..... I never used it ...barely
yes you could say using makeup is not the point of being beautiful but I know , I know that the reason was that everytime i looked at myself in the mirror I avoided my eyes and my bosy, because deep down i felt that nothing could make me beautiful because i was...not happy with my body...
i never deeply entered into my femininity, my tidal of being a woman, of being in love with myself and making myself beautiful
a part of me cried for that and a part of just kept repressing....

I forgive myself right now , here today for not working hard enough to get a distinction in my masters. im angry at myself all the time. but ive only destroyed time and my brain because i stopped believing in myself - even going to conferences etc a part of me tightened about the past... and i fell int he same pit hole all over again, hating myself for something yes i did but no i can never change and deep down I know I can do better. I have bigger and better dreams for myself that I cannot move forward becaue im stuch in that court yard - 
I want to learn, i want to be clever, i want to be beneficial, I want to be trustworthy, I want to be ...amazing... 

Ya Allah.. Ive neglected you. Worse still, I am ...conditional. prayed and prayed for the best man and when i got him.. I turned my back on you. and now im too embarrassed to love you again. I know that you would never treat me int he same way and you always will accept my prayers and my begging of forgiveness. but I have lost  contact and touch with my soul. I want to do more for you ya Allah, like youve done for me. I want to be happier because i know you ar with me , and that i will never be alone because you are watching me...and  i fear you out of love, and nothing else - praying is because i need it, reading quran is because it keeps me safe, and asking for things i want is because i know your e the only one that can give them to me....  I will teach myself all of those things again....

so Project BED initiates ..... and is to be continued.... 


Saturday, August 23, 2014

so in love with myself....

I hope you have gotten sufficiently tired of hitting the snooze button; I know that what you need or need to activate in yourself will appear; I pray that your awakening comes with ease and grace, and stamina when the going gets hard. To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have, and love is who we are.

I am bedezzled -
words rattle me , and grammar perfuses me, thoughts linger and breaths whisper
I wonder why ive wandered for so long
so out of...touch
so out of ,.,tune
so... into the blue

and yet its true
that i am the greatest there could be
all my self and everything within me is begging to be loved by...


all that I am
looks at me like a baby waiting to be loved
and nourished
and never forgotten

all that  Iam

my heart and soul
and everything everything inside me and outside me
asks me

why are you doing this to yourself?

worrying about things that do not matter

and instead forgetting things that do
like how to love you
how to think about words and make sense of them again

whatever happened to feeling pretty
wanting pretty
being pretty
inside and ...out

full stop. I say full stop
thats a stop filled with ...well the main emotion ive never managed to conquer is
dissapointment inside me
angry at myself for not having achieved things i should have
at myself
clinging on to that past

and yet

i just realised the more i do that
the more i will.... be dissapointed
and never move on
like tracks that are broken
i will never move forward
and no matter how that dissapointment is real or not
it will not change anything
the same as worrying about jasmine being first

it wont
in fact

Allah will test you harder

but i promised myself i will not think of Allah that way

i dont like myself
i dont aprreciate what i am and how smart or funny or pretty or kind or sweet or apologetic
or thoughtful or kind I am

its true im also mean and rude, and sharp and bitter and cruel and unkind sometimes and loud and rough and un feminine

i want to change
and i want to forigve mysself
and move one
i want to get on a single journey and never come back to the bad in me
i want to look out the window and see the sea
see the wind and the blowing trees
concentrate on the shuffling music of leaves
and the silent calm of the night
i want to see the fireworks and let the tall ships of healing enter my heart

I want to be revived
everytime i sit in neros or costas i want a piece back of me
i want to write him a card
and win a piece back of me

i want to be portalled into a beautiful space of forgiveness
and love

so here is my unconditional love to myself:

Ya Hope, I love you and all that you are , all that youve done, wrong or right, i love you because you are precious to me and im sorry i have neglected you. yes, I have neglected you- I have stopped to think about your needs and desires, i have stopped to think about how to make you pretty or prettier
I have looked back on days we spent together - you and i when you supported me , never taking any medicines never needing any thing but you and i , you helped me learn and pass, and win and get there. you helped me have fun, and care and you filled me with emotion and you taught me that. I learnt love first with you. me. but then i forgot you put you in a shelf and never looked back never came to clean you and worst like iwth the quran , atl east we open that once a year. you, i left you for dust and sunsrises and sunsets to cling on to your raw tears. i wasnt there. to listen, to hold or to cherish. and so you started to wither. slowly first,... then rapidly, you lost your beliefs, you lost your kindness, your patience, your vivid smartness. you lost your motivation, your challenges and most of all you lost me. IM sorry hope. i hope you forgive me , here I am, cleaning you , reminiscing on whether you will ever forgive me. I know years have passed liked this but i am the lover who doesnt want to go away, doesnt watn to lie, only wants to be forgiven. I need you. your sanity, your flavour, your structure, and your magical feelings that make me...real and yet intimate. make me glow. 



the non imaginary sunshine

today im going to be ahppy
nothing is going to phase me and nothing is going to break me
im going to enjoy my life my hours my second
my music that ive descivered
im going to be me and be happy
im not going to worry about him or her or them orwhy or how or
if onlys
im not going to think im jsut going to breathe
and dream
and pray
and im not going to wonder or wander
im just going to explore and pour out my love for the sunshine
and for Allah

for Allah is the greatest and I am great too
in my own way
i am
and i wil be strong
and i will be true to my heart
and thankful
because i am too blessed to be stressed
and i can do what i want to
and i can choose what i want to
 and Allah has given me that


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

no miracles here...

I am... lost
I suddenly understand that my body is an empty
onewithout thought
or emotion, patience or respect
who am I?
a lost woman

lost for thought
for productivity
for understaning
for kindness
for purity....
yes for that

a trangressor ..I am just living in the wrong position

wanting all the right things
but all the ticks cannot be met

like the english
wont happen 
if its not correct

and im just not correct
im all ...wrong
all wrong

all broken
and intimitately heartless
all insanely stuck

and unable to take myself through
miracles or unanswered questions

there will be no miracles here

Monday, August 18, 2014

me back

I cant get out of the trance
its just too advance
and im stuck in this dream
that I wish would be real

...with you

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Re: zima

seems like I upset everyone these days
or maybe in just 1 day

ugly words
angry voices
empty apologies

I feel heartbroken

spaces in time all black
even though I came for the sunshine and to find , the best me
am here to change for the better and not to feel the winter
sorry to be so stubborn, so holed int he heart
finding bad news all the time
any yet my body resists to be the bad one

couldnt fast
im so sorry Ya Allah
please forgive me and
challenge me for the better
I ask you to forgive me
for im just sick of drama
although I know im the drama

and im sick of pain
although im the one that hurts me

and im sick of worry
although there is no need for worry

for i understand, life is short
and beautiful

Ya Allah,
I understand what ive compromised and i dont want to compromise it
i wont let posion run through my veins
or a scorpions bite kill us
I wont let a snakes venom have me
and i wont let an eagles prey eye chase me

I wont let a compromise to myself or ones I love
get to me

I will be me
the best that i can be


Thursday, August 14, 2014

broken ideas

sometimes you must change your beliefs to resort to other methods that might be just more successful

you come first I come second
I miss my man
and how he makes me feel
I want to spend some and more time
ahead of time
baby I


am here alone and yet filled with your thoughts
that make me secure and protected
and my time here is precious even though its
for here chicano is KFC
and I am ..... different
in hope I used to know mode

everyday , I swerve a little bit to the best
but my monster self tries to destroy me
wants me to.... revert to new ugly ways
like ...

not caring

but I do care

and I want to remember that

you know like I know
that I can be better
maybe even something youve never seen

or heard

and IM scared
that jasmine will be richer than me

...but I hope God will forgive me
for wanting everything better than everyone else

I hope... that hope finds her late lost soul
and one day is early again


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

dark desires & peaceful intuitions 1

She - I dont know what she is but I am forced to interpret that sheis a breathing empty vessael, a woman anatomically but a demonised structure, abnormally moving and talking
words dangerous if she knew
her life is a lack of productive numbered walks and breaths
for she will never amount to anything except an addition to a hateful persona
that I just hate
but here I am
cornered and for once unable to actually say what i want
its funny I know I can say a couple of things ormaybe even more
for I always know what to say
and how I can say it
and dont care what it does when its on the outside
but here I am

I remember Gods meaning
- do not speak of Allah or religion if there is a chance that the other person can insult it , because of their ignorance'
and I know this is truly correct here
but also

I relaise
I am utterly powerless
for my thoughts are the opposite of her thoughts
and her mind is a landmine that I never want to enter
but then again so is mine

I am disgusted
I am blinded by the utter madnes of the world
and how the devil spins it
makes terrible things seems alirght
makes ignorance beautiful
makes shadows appear focused
and makes the strong weak

for I know what i believe in and I know Allah is mine and I am his

I feel like I want to get out of here for I did not travel thousands of miles across oceans and timedifference
to meet this ... she

but I find myself in a small town
unable but to wait for her to finish her unfathomable darkness of belief to me

and i ask myself
why are you here?
there must be a lesson
for Allah wouldnt put me here for no reason except to test me

and really
I think again
are they not all taking to the same result
like wesay
death is the same but the causes are different
hell is all the same but the reasons for entry are different

 i think about what ive left behind
people who I am dissapointed in and relatives who disgust me
lyers and cheaters and dramatic stealers
of money and time
and rippers of family
and trust


and i think of her

disgusting revolting madness
unwilling or willing unknowing of the sheet conclusion
to her fate
and health
and loss of a soul damned in hell

and I think of me

why am I so clever to think of others when i cannot think and fault me/
I have faults
i have sins
and i have troubles

so where am I?
and who am I?
and if I am so smart to know what GOd thinks of others
do I know what he thinks of me/?


to be continued?


Saturday, August 2, 2014

finding peace 1

the last  thing  I did in Sudan, Khartoum
the waft of the aroma of love peacefully comes to my mind
and as I fly,,, through skies,,, through mountains,,, through airports
one thing is on my mind

how hes such a part of me and I am a part of him
for I look at my body and think that an arm is missing or a heart

I am not whole but I am ..... sound

for my love for him makes me survive, makes me stronger, makes me happier
makes me want to make him proud

planes sit bored
and I sit not understanding lifes mysteries
suddenly i bounce with memories
last time i came through these lands
i was


and yet i still have so much to understand
and i instantly realise sadness is an object you carry aruond if you want to
or leave behind if you want to be free and i want to be free

now - I just need to close my eyes to lose those things and find existence
like ive been riveted into advancement

its peaceful here
and im peaceful here...

to be continued....

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -