Sunday, August 24, 2014

BED project ... the intro

THIS was the old me .....................

Lost, forgotten, beautiful but ... hidden and shabby, too scared to feel everything and believe that nothing is beyond her...
deep down beautiful but just feeling too old to come to the surface and live her dreams...

and so  I take a deep breath and dont like the rotten smell of fear and dishonesty within myself for myself

and I decide to ... full stop that part of me

and start again

Project BED 

is a discovery, a new entry into a future i want to be happy in and a present that really is a present
where there is no remorse within me, no fears, no regrets, no guilt, no awkwardness, no drama, no histories that are hanging, no hatred, no consumptions, no darkness..... no

just BED

I want to take care of my BED

B is for Body 

E is for Education

D is for Deen (Faith) 

I want and need to takae care of my Body. From stopping biting my nails to learning to love myself again. For Ive realised that Ive stopped loving ymself ... although my body does love me... and tries its best everyday
I just ignore

been battered and abused by my own one elses...
I ask myself -- how much make up and , jewellery and cool clothes , and and that you have and yet not appreciate? maybe even not use?
I bought Mac makeup a collection that cost me nearly 200 pound sterling and ..... I never used it ...barely
yes you could say using makeup is not the point of being beautiful but I know , I know that the reason was that everytime i looked at myself in the mirror I avoided my eyes and my bosy, because deep down i felt that nothing could make me beautiful because i was...not happy with my body...
i never deeply entered into my femininity, my tidal of being a woman, of being in love with myself and making myself beautiful
a part of me cried for that and a part of just kept repressing....

I forgive myself right now , here today for not working hard enough to get a distinction in my masters. im angry at myself all the time. but ive only destroyed time and my brain because i stopped believing in myself - even going to conferences etc a part of me tightened about the past... and i fell int he same pit hole all over again, hating myself for something yes i did but no i can never change and deep down I know I can do better. I have bigger and better dreams for myself that I cannot move forward becaue im stuch in that court yard - 
I want to learn, i want to be clever, i want to be beneficial, I want to be trustworthy, I want to be ...amazing... 

Ya Allah.. Ive neglected you. Worse still, I am ...conditional. prayed and prayed for the best man and when i got him.. I turned my back on you. and now im too embarrassed to love you again. I know that you would never treat me int he same way and you always will accept my prayers and my begging of forgiveness. but I have lost  contact and touch with my soul. I want to do more for you ya Allah, like youve done for me. I want to be happier because i know you ar with me , and that i will never be alone because you are watching me...and  i fear you out of love, and nothing else - praying is because i need it, reading quran is because it keeps me safe, and asking for things i want is because i know your e the only one that can give them to me....  I will teach myself all of those things again....

so Project BED initiates ..... and is to be continued.... 


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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -