Sunday, June 18, 2017

get back to bite you

blessed and stressed at the same
do they work

for you could think of it like you're very lucky or you're not
and you could be selfish, narrow minded and difficult or kind and open
exactly like those who are kind and open with you
and you could go backwards or forwards
and you could feel stuck or take a deep breath and find open air
you could get blackened with smoke or you could run to safety
because feeling stuck is suffocating and doing the same thing wrong over and over again is also
so fill your life with courage options love and positivity
dont hate love and dont love hate
dont think with a black mind and dont see things as you think they are
just adapt and remember your thorns will get back to haunt you and find you
like yesterday

Monday, June 5, 2017

Where did it go... 'me?

Am i safe?
Am i kind but unsafe?'
Who am i
Where am i
Why am i like this
Feeling lost amongst thousands of escapades
And weak amongst thoysands of horses running by
And here i am
That i am afraid but mean
But angry all the time
From people that just anger me
They may not deserve my anger
But i cant help it
Because im weak
I type this and suddenly feel
Hey why have i stopped writing
Didnt writing make me feel cool and honest with myself?
Wasnt writong a reason for falling in love
And then theres chicken with rice at 2 am
How many cycles do i need to get rid of that?
And then theres feeling like ive done a hige mistake
A big one
An irreversible one
I may have done a mistake or mistakes
But i am not a bad person
And so i am learning
And it is ok to learn

Thursday, May 18, 2017

reediting ... pre Ramadan

imagine an escapade of dreams bouncing into your life becoming a reality when you shouldnt be telling people your secrets but instead you do and you find your strengths in your weaknesses and your kindness becomes a sword for others to die upon. i
dont think am a nice person but people see me as
and i
dont see myself as worthy
of all thursdays
and all these plans
and all these papers
and all these methods
and all these strange but beautiful things
and i
dont see myself in stability of creation
always forgetting
always beginning
never finishing
I wish i wasnt the woman i hate seeing in others
this crippled thing where we told her not to do it 
but she did
and now she simply has no life , no dreams, no prosperitity
marriage simply.... roped her and she never knew when she wore that glamorous dress with sparkles and tied up her hair with diamonds that she was really being kidnapped into a world of commitment ... but commitment that just doesnt deserve. the type of commitment you dont want to have
the type of commitment that is ugly
you just give your life to someone who doesnt deserve you 

do deserve the best
but am i the best
and I
do deserve to fight 
but am i winning or losing
and i 
do deserve to ask forgiveness
but forgiveness for myself ?
and i
do deserve to give others my all
but am i the one? 
and i do deserve it all
but am i selfish?

what is the difference between selfish and self love ? between selfish and purity of soul offering only whats right

you see
i am a good woman tainted with life
and i am a good Muslim tainted by laziness
by lack of commitment 
by lack of fear 
but i should be afraid
because i am only a minute thing in the grandness of Allah's decadency
and I although want to create want to be want to have want to prevent want to go want to pass want to be learn want to eat want to live want to kiss want to sleep want to pay want to get want to gloss want to dance want to listen
am just a minute thing in the grandness of things

 i need reediting
 i need modifying
i need to commit to myself
i need to understand that this Ramadan is different that all Ramadans
for for the first time in my life 
i skipped a year
and for the first time in my life
i don't feel like a good person or a good Muslim
and for the first time in my life 
i am a mother
and for the first time in my life 
i want to win
the hearts of all .. beginning with Allah

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

lost without control >>>> pre ramadan tiredness

It is likely that you have been feeling a lot of pressure in your career lately. You may be wondering if it is worth the stress. Don't take your mood too seriously. Let a few days pass before making any radical decisions about changing your life. If possible, spend some time alone to think about what is really important to you. Meditation will help clear your head and better judge whether or not you are on the right path.

it is likely i am creating the stress for myself 
going low to the lowest of intervals of my life feeling like i have no control

remember i used to be lost but under control
now my hands dont leave my phone 
and i am a bad influence 
used to pray at the mosque and fight battles all the same
now he just fights battles feeling like i make it a losing one 

where are the words
the memories 
the strengths
the coping strategies that work
the love
the love for self
for harmony 
for baking
for studying
for becoming something

where am i 
what am i doing
where am i to allah
is this the person i want to grow up as ?
what is happening!

long time no hear
its like a room inside me is locked
where is the key
why cant i open the door to this room

if i did find the key
what would i find inside
what am i looking for in this missing room

is it a room beautifally decorated but empty
is is a room filled with things
what things
beautiful clothes
my family
lots of certificates

what am i looking for 

i feel like im only using a single mode of my brain
like its just jammed
there is nothing else working but what im using now
limitied programs
limited settings

just a tiny part of life
is what im living 

to be continued..... 

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Are you the best you can be?

Its not everyday ur in the silence of a hongkong night where 2.14 am seems an exciting proposal a surreal experience a breathtaking memory given by allah to me
And yet here i am with an expensive ticket and useless thought
Weak body and weaker mind
Silence here is expensive
But i continue to cheapen the time by forgetting allah
By being scared
By being demanding and persuasive as they say.

To me, a night like this is a distant memory of fictional truth. Sturdy buildings stand to uphold me as i attach to the truth of a young woman whose everything is forgotten , because she forgets allah .
And yet he is always there

Always there
Making things happen
And yet here i am

Worried about red instead of being grateful
Thinking of anger when i should just throw it away
I mean dont even let them onto my mind
But i am a sensitive woman
A strong sensitive woman
A strong sensitive smart woman
A strong sensitive smart sincere woman

I am also accurate in less accurate ways
Plus exciting
Plus love life

If so then. Why do i demand to stay roped up
To stay feeling tired and weak
And like i need to be this way or i was made like this
Not true
Anything you can be
Anything you can change
Old ones new ones anyones no matter how so ypu can let them travel down the path you want them to . Like this road youre on now
You can even write everyday

And imagine
You can become a better person and even a better muslim
You can be tremendous at what you do even if you are a beginner now
You can be enrolled to happiness
True happinness
Not the type you feel when youre not really in control of who you are
But the type you feel whe. U simply are the best you can be
Are you the best you can be? 

Sunday, February 5, 2017

negative woman

So many things
with thought
and without
with love and without
with greed with selishness
with honesty
with behind backs
with effort and without
with trust and with lust
for things
just things
things i need
things i dont
things i must have
things i see
things I ask for and things i dont
all chances
taken and not
that i have and not
a lot of failing
 a lot of unknowns
a lot of things
that i know or not
a lot of luck
that i have
i definitely have luck
all that i have or not

here i am
just so big
with things and with cells
and with sugar
and with things
because i can have things
i just have things

here i am in pain
in mind
 and in body
in questions and in answers
gone blank
mind gone downhill
people dont know

how selfish i am
how unkind
how silly
how mean
how weak
how dishonest
how.... afraid
and how negative

i am
a negative
human being

so negative humn being

to be continued//////////

Thursday, February 2, 2017

The forgotten iPad mini

Dear Sir
I am sorry
Rocking and being lost in the boat of abilities
Just a drama queen
A shopaholic
An unexposed criminal of emotions
Criminal thoughts of being happy
No. Restricted
For what will my red allowance help me with now
An executive order by one man is all it takes to destroy a whole lifetime of build ups
Hopes and dreams
It all doesn't matter
It all doesn't matter
Just waves of actions and thoughts of rippling movements from lands and people you have never heard of
And it does affect you
The car parked
The wrong guy on the street

And yet when I do get chances I never try
And yet when I do get a dream I never thank
And yet when I do get a baby looking at me with those gorgeous eyes I don't think
I just melt
Her eyes
Melting my heart
My being
I am so happy
So lucky
So .... Different even when I think I'm the same
Allah gave me something he didn't give to anybody else
A daughter
And I'm so unique because of it

Yet so unresponsive to life
To questions
To memories
To life
To hopes and dreams
To things
To my things
And so I think that if I get more I'll be better
Think better
Be happier
Be stronger
All those things will not come to me
Like this

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

EMA- ( unwinding into being )

A new me
Sitting unaware if now or later or vefore
Just sitting
Flat white
And i just might
Fall alsleep in my dreams
To become that woman
A woman
Right now
Any woman
I dont care
But behind my eyes
Its a lovely woman
A strong one
Easy going but dedicated and proud
And light
In thoughts and weight
Feelings not just pounds
Heavy with dedication and kindness
And a way that isnt new anymore
But hers
Life is hers
And i love it here
But i wont be here always
And breathing is always
Finding life and loving it is always
Forgetting the right things and
Believing in right things is the best combination
That combination of perfection
Within you Around u
And eman
Is here
If i do right or wrong
Shes here
She must accept what i do and so i must be true
She is mine
And i am hers
But i am also her model her life her freedom her prison and herjoy and her smileand her tear
And i am nowhere but with her
Except i truly pray
Wait pray? I dont remember praying for a while
All i remember is worrying
Is forgetting the right thing
Is forgetting the honest thing
For allah is always here
Even when i am just pathetic
And eman doesnt deserve pathetic
Neither does momen
My family doesnt deserve empty words
Or an uncreative mind
Or broken thoughts Nd mind
They deserve the best just As i do

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -