Monday, June 5, 2017

Where did it go... 'me?

Am i safe?
Am i kind but unsafe?'
Who am i
Where am i
Why am i like this
Feeling lost amongst thousands of escapades
And weak amongst thoysands of horses running by
And here i am
That i am afraid but mean
But angry all the time
From people that just anger me
They may not deserve my anger
But i cant help it
Because im weak
I type this and suddenly feel
Hey why have i stopped writing
Didnt writing make me feel cool and honest with myself?
Wasnt writong a reason for falling in love
And then theres chicken with rice at 2 am
How many cycles do i need to get rid of that?
And then theres feeling like ive done a hige mistake
A big one
An irreversible one
I may have done a mistake or mistakes
But i am not a bad person
And so i am learning
And it is ok to learn

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -