Thursday, December 30, 2010

Stuck for time

My handsshiver
My mind quivers
My body aches
My eyes wake
to all that's fake

but I'm still asleep

My days end
This year , I cannot mend
So I bend
the rules

So I'm a criminal

Terminal see through
endless weakness
Crying despair

My hands shiver
where is the repair
what kind of affair?

am I having?

I'm starving

I'm lost all the time
even when I feel found
even when I'm here
I'm there

I'm theeere

In this year
I dissappear
I fear
I will be gone forever

I dream
that I amgoneforever

I dream.....

Never to dream again
I dream to feel nothing
I dream to single of emotions
I dream to forget everything
I dream to be nothing
TO be everything
To be nothing I know
someone new
someone I never knew
someone true


I dream of truth
I dream of everlasting
I dream of stength
I dream of difference


I dream of a challenge
I dream of agonising tries
the in between

I dream never to dream again
dreams must roll
dreams must be kicked
and I



Just 2 hours ago I was tricked
Just 4 hours ago I was tricked
Just all this year I was tricked
Just my Life Ive been tricked
By everyone
By no one
By me

I see

tricked all the time
I hear it
I know it
I don't know it
but I do

I love you


I honestly Don't know
I don'tknow who I love
but I do know , Who I don't love
Who I've never ever loved


I drown
I sink
I think


I laugh

I think again


I cry and scream inside a million times to STOP
but I do not stop

I think again


bad secrets
ones that haunt me
ones that I dont know the details about
but they have become the details of my life

Behind closed eyes
is a large gaping hole
and behind the hole
is a secret wall
that you must find and break
if you find it, the story can continue
behind the wall
is the most greenest of gardens
and behind the gardens
is a beautiful palace
filled with all your wishes
and all good things
and behind the palace
are millions and millions of heaven
and even more love
and behind the love
is the man youre looking for
and behind him......
I don't know
I'll have to see then

I'm still looking for the wall above the dark and dirty hole
I'm still looking for the very beginning
I'm still looking for me so I can begin

I could go on forever
but .......... No more
I couldwrite nonsense
But no more
I could click and click and click
only to find
I could sleeeep
yes I could sleeep
and sleeeeep
and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
but no more
I've slept for a thousand years
Ive been hypnotised and poisoned by sleep
sleep little lady dont say a word
the devils going to buy a kissing sword
and when you are not looking
he's going to kill
and all your life he's going to spill
over and
and over
So sleep pretty lady and don't say a word
the devils gona send you a killing bird
and when that bird tweets death to the year
all your soul will dissappear
so hush and listen to the song of wealth
that will burn you forever forwhat you

never achieved

white long satin you once carried
now its a short roll of black
wont cover your back
wont cover any attack
you haveno more defense
I sense
you have nothing to defend

Thursday, December 16, 2010

If i had one wish..........

If I had one wish

I would stop this manical metamorphing of having to love SOME - body and stRT LOVING MYSELF

Listen and dont trip

your life is slip

tripping and falling

falling and never getting up

If I had one wish

I would create a heart changing love

I would erase all the above

Iwould be patient and me

I would never let someone get to me

unless they were beautiful

in soul and mind

but what I'm doing now

If i had one wish I would cancel all the cells making me think like this

making me cry like this

all the people making me feel like this

If I had one wish

We would be best friends

love would never end

temperatures begin

If i had one wish

you would be my boo

promise to love you

trust me I trust you

if i had one wish

we would run away

makin love all day

have us a baby

If I had one wish

lI'd make you my whole life

can you be my wife

If I had one wish I would understand myself better

I would trust in God more

I would forget people who make me frustrated

I would be calmer

IWould be involved with my love and music to set my life correct

not to intercept my life with others

with other peoples intervention

If I hade one wish

I would never dance with anybody that I dont love

I would never say to anybody love them unless I truly love them

unless it is right

If I had one wish

we would run away

to heaven

to be continued........

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

so hard to wake up in the mornin

A few days left until the New Year
I want to exctinct my fear
I want to forget tears
I am sad because I dont do what I want
I dont achieve what I desire
I dont listen to who I am
I dont do anything to make myself happy
and so getting up in the morning becomes a nightmare
I am never strong enough
I am never quick enough

later in the grades of faith
I will be so low
I will be so low
and my beauty will be rotten
there will come a time when my beauty will be irreversible
I wont be able to fix it
I wont be able to have it
and the more alienated I am from myself and body
the more alienated I Will be from God
and vica versa
the more further I am from faith
the more further I am from what I am inside

Sunday, December 12, 2010

the last 10 days _ I keep thinking

God i have so many dreams
So many of them I can barely collect them
keep them
touch them even
I can see so many of them jump around me theyre so lively
so many of them fly theyre so alive
and all my baskets are full and I still dream

It feels like my life depends on my dreams
If I dont' dreamI get sad
God I hate being sad
and when I hear someone close to me sad
it makes me eve nsadder
My emotions are so raw
I just feel
or I just write
or I just worry
maybe this is my problem
I really a lot
I think of so much
just like my endless dreams

2010 i snearly over
there are just over 10 days left
I feel like the year has flown
gone quick gone bad
gone good
gone strange
gone enemy
gone my way
this year gave me the most important visit in my life
I went to mecca and medina
for the first time
I felt so close and like God had given me a gift
a really special one

But htis year I lost two of my uncles
sad times
very sad times

But this year I was a working woman for the first time i earned my own money and i guess even though i had my problems i still felt good about everything

I was held back by a lot of thigns but I am very couragous and proud of a lot of things Ive done

I guess I'm sieving the year through a good lens and a bad one

you can fid out news at any time
you can find out something that makes you cry and makes you sad at any time
your life can change in an instant
I spent the whole year affected by bad news
you cant stop bad news
you cant stop what god intends for us
I played around life attempting to be the stronger one
without God
I failed miserably
I spent days and hours crying
I spent days and weeks falling
ispent weeks and months far from God
I spent today reviewing what had all been ... time wasted
It doesnt make sense
wasting time
Life is precious
time is precious
Its not worth forgetting

Friday, December 10, 2010

I think to myself - what am I planning for myself

I think to myself

what is it that I've done

what is it that I've achieved

I think to myself

what is it that I dream

that I want

that I desire

that I Can do

what is it tha t I Can do???

I think to myself

what do I mean

how much can I succeed

when can I reach my goals

I think to myself

how much have I lost

given away

how much have I forgotten

like amnesia

how much have I forgotten

I think to myself

why have I done this to myself

been mean to myself

been a stranger with myself

been unfair to myself

been unkind

if I am like this, the most intimate person with myself

then how can i expect others to be good to me

I think to myself

how intimate can i be

how sensual can i be

how fulfilling

how passionate

i think

what does passion mean to me

is it kissing

or is it more than t hat

much much more than that

deeper relationships more than that

i think to myself

why have i placed all this pressure on me

all this ugly pressure on me

by me!

why force myself like this

why all the lack of trust

trust to be beautiful

trust to be kind

trust to be the one

i Think to myself

who is that i want to attract

truly ,

who is it that i want to attract

the more questions i ask

the more the layers peel back

of regret

of dissapointment

of honesty

of deep criticism

i think to myself

who is that i want to make proud

what is it that i want to hear

and see

and be

i think to myself

what do words mean to me

what is it that i want to write

i think to myself

are my prayers answered

if not what could be stopping them

but my prayers have been answered

so i think to myself

why would god love me and save me

when i am so arrogant?

i think to myself

i have treated god like a betrayed lover

he has done nothing but love m e protect me

save me

look out for me

heal me

give me options

give me freedom

give me thoughts

good thoughts

good memories

good times

beautiful country

beautiful family

he has give me faith

without faith i would have been nothing

he has given me the love for faith

the love for being good

and i

i think to myself what have i given god?






wasted time

wasted smiles

heavy burdens

weak heart

lustful soul

broken thoughts

recently i have been nothing but the last three

weak heart

lustful soul

broken thoughts

entangled and tangled within each other

until i am a viscious cycle of tears

and fears

and ... nothing

i htink to myself

i have brought myself to nothing

i have brought myself to a crossroads

like i ve passed it over and over always taking the wrong junction

i always take the one that seems better



sick with love?/

love ?

no lvoe is not the word

love is too gentle and pure for here

sick with pain

i think to myself

why this raod all the time

why this junction always

dont i know i will go down it and turn and turn and turn until i come back to start of the end

again and again


i think to myself

just looking beyond

there is another road

it look smoother and softer

peaceful and wild at the same time

it looks fulfilling

and smart

worthwhile and gloriously loving

if i walk on it

it has the love i want

th elove forever

the love that last beyone eras and worlds

the love that never dies

the love that i search for

the love that i pray for

over and over again

( to be continued)

that love cannot begin unless I unlock it within me

i think to myself where is the key?

Monday, December 6, 2010

untitled mess.... no love here

I'm just in a totally different worl right now
I'm sick with indentations of the past
pasts that Ive created
love that I desire

I'm broken into a thousand wrong pieces
torn into a million different hopes
lost into a hundred far away places
dreaming of 1 man
and 1 time
1 idea
and 1 destiny

sometimes i think I'm crazy
sometimes i hate who I am
sometimes I believe nothing can be mine
sometimes I just want to cry
breakdown he said

god why did I do that
way past the territory
way past my goal
bascally I didnt leave it up to you
i decided to take things on my own hands
really silly really
isnt it
quiite destructive soming to a new year
a terrible way to end this year
a terrible way to say goodbye
a silly way to be untold
silly really silly

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Still I can't help but think I could have saved you from drowning

Stil I can't help but think I could have saved you from drowning

Still I cant help but feel the love for you that's blinding

Still I can't stop the words about you that I'm writing

Still I cant help but think about the pain that you're finding

I can't help but dream of you in another world

somewhere where youre nearer and better

somewhere where we're both healthier

somewhere were we know each other

and love each other

and would kill for one another

to be near

never to be far

never to be apart

Still I cant help but close my eyes

and picture you involved with me

in a whirlwind romance

of ectasy

of sweet tragedy

where we fight to be right

I fall for you and you fall for me

because we are destiny

and even though we are times and oceans apart

and even though you'll never hear my heart

I still think about you

and what you can do

and what you can say

and how you would be

if you turned around
and saw me
see, I can see something inside you
for the good of you
that can change you
to home
so I hope you will always know
you have a place to call home
it's called
It's called Sudan
It's called
all the above are just waiting for you to explore them
and opening the window into them
you can forget all your sadness
and madness
I am going to pray to forget you
I am going to wish that I hate you
I am going to try and forgive you
and stop thinking about you
ina different place
I am going erase
your face
from my memories
for you

Friday, December 3, 2010

it stops here
the torment of a tormented scream
the pain of a suffering soul
the heartbreak of a heart
today now here
I am happy
I am strong
I am not in love
but in great need to ove myself
I am not alone
but in the presence of God
i am not lonely but in the company of myself and family

Right now
there is nothing that can ruin ANOTHER friday
another breakaway
I want to calm down
but let passion rush in as well

remember you can write
you can eat
you can dnace
you can live
and let livve
and be happy
very very happy

scrutiny of a tormented scream

Another week
another crossroads
another pain in my heart that wont go away

will it be another waste
another lifetime
until nighttime
units of emotion driven unspoken

will it be clean and worthy
or horribly messy
another hour
her speaker to my soul
killing me softy
killing me deeply

where am i going
back home
or back to pour
all the shame in

I could win myself
icould lose myself
i already have
so is that not enough
is that not strong aloud to tell myself to hold on
and shimmer through
right through
and smell petals
not rubbish
not pain

i am a million pieces inside
i am a thousand cracks waiting to split
violently silenced by secrets and wishes
dreams and current events
the melody whispers
this is wrong
stop what youre doing

another one starts playing
you know you have no control
you know you have no ambush to conquer this mess

then a new song
to hypnotise the love inside
the quests revolve
within me
the shadows glamour periodically
everything shimmers and glitters
and like drugs shakes you and wakes you shakes you breaks you and hates you
all at the same time
no compensation
no investigations
no deep guitars
or beautiful piano
I am a part only of the rythym of my lost heart

lost heart
i dont know what my heart wants anymore
i dont know is it even mine
i dont know why my heart asks for all this pain
i dont know why im giving it what it wants
i dont know how to stop this explosvie stealing of emotions

right now i am a bleeding fountain
red swirls of passion antagonised by blue waters
soft tumbles of mess into the loud swish of currents
love soars and anger pours out into the environment
my environment
my apartment
my heaven is hell
my hell is sweet
like diamonds glittering in the madness of confusion and tales linger and whisper
untold unheard
unable to understand forever
why im like this
why i do this

vanish all the goodness within me and available in me
into invisibility
into destruciton

ill never understand why i let other peoples stories and mistakes
entangle me into a spiderwebs invasion

''she came in to the room with a coloured bag and her daughter pushed by evil of jealousy and destruciton shecame into my house and my dreams swelled in my mind into a huge drama until they burst
i felt wicked i felt weak i felt so much pain i could no longer breathe
i still cant breathe
i stilll see her face in my face
in my dreams in my lust and affairs
she stole my heart
i let her steal my family and my life
i let her win

it wasnt even a competition
but i feel her game racing against me
my life is pushed to the side
my soul has cried and cried
as she races within me
of her evil eyes and lies
everything was so vivid and still is
everything was so unclear and still is

so this woman has broken my heart
even though i dont even know her
i just know that i am here today at 15.32 still remembering her secrets and breathing in her intoxicating shadow

dont i have a choice?
dont i have a choiceto forget all this

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Bags of emotions have to go

I'm so sick of writing love poems
writing about kissing and stares
about touching
and feelings
I'm tired about writing love in sentences and lines
in tying it with stories and iflms
love in films
love in drama
love in movies
I know that love is unaware
so i'm tired of being aware of it all the time
I'm sick of thinking of love in dimensions
within proportions
saying love is grand
im sick of saying love is grand
as it is grand
it should not be said

Bag of thorns
sticks and stones
tar and bones
mud and studs
thorns and twigs

Bag of Petals
world and air
oceans and water
taps of milk
paper and silk
love and infinity
forever and ever
truth and fantasy
rain and sky
green and dear
luscious petals
become bags of time
or breaks of crime

Remember nothing is wrong except if you say it is


Oh no
I'm in big trouble
big trouble
trouble like ive never felt before
I'm a liar
I'm a thief of love
I'm a.. lost wonder
I used to think I was strong
I used to think I was happy
I used to think I was the one anyonce could count on
but Ive discovered I can dissapoint
I am in big trouble

I dont have the power to stop myself
I dont have the power to stop falling
I tried and failed
I didnt try and failed
I try but dont try at the same time
oh no Im in big trouble
Ive lost faith
ive lost the line to the future
ive lost the path of hope
Ive not watched the sun rise in...............

a long time

long enough to forget good things
long enough to forget how to try

oh god im in big trouble
im in big mistakes
oh god i feel so bad
you know i feel bad
ive never done semthing like this before
i feel awful
i feel so terrible


What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -