Saturday, April 30, 2011

Beautiful Dream Part 3

Marriage is intended to be a way 

in which man 

and woman help each other 

to become what 

God meant each one to be, 

their deepest and 

truest selves.

Beautiful Dream Part 2

Beautiful Dream Part 0 (I sit to feel where am I going?)

Let me think where am I going
I need to remember what am I doing
I want to make sure of details I'm sowing
I must confirm these emotions, so overjoying

Ride with me journey of the night
for I couldnt sleep in fear I might
wake up somewhere not mine , not right
somewhere not here shining this bright

Tell me the flowers that I hold
can I smell the strength of this fantasy so bold
No such thing as once upon a time I was told
but now I am the princess as the story unfolds


Beautiful Dream Part 1

Beautiful Dream Part 1 ( The beginning of a dream come true)

Beautiful Dream, come to me
have my beauty known to thee
let all the world succumb to what you see
through intricate lace and delicate key

Beautiful time, whisper I will
let all the whiteness from true hearts spill
for in a moment, a tiny moment, I break the thrill
and close my eyes and fear , that moments nil

But even handsome princes desire to fall
under the spell of one girls call
let it be me to rise tall
let it be to deserve it all


Monday, April 25, 2011

And then I dream of this........

A love so crazy so passionate so unreal in it's existence that the creators couldn't do more than 20 episodes but those 20 hours felt like 20 years to me - for every second made sense every reasoning and unexplained doing - a love to cross the hardest of boundaries no waiting no thinking no understanding nothing just love pure love it didn't matter anything anyone any body anywhere they just loved pure and real and strong and magnificent  a base for true imagination to come alive an encounter to fantasise honesty and magnetic opportunity - the piano dares to tell their story the tune conquers my heart and I can never feel I have learned what is there to learn against my shallow understanding of love against my unknown beauty
what is there to learn when you see two people form two different places and in two separate worlds and wars and love fiercely fights their battles
I swiftly enter dreams and doors open and open and open and open and open for as long as i can experience
nothing can make me feel true love like they idea of ........ well I guess the idea of losing a battle........

Sunday, April 24, 2011

My childhood crush 1

I think to myself _ this is what I want!!!! This is it - he's the one - he's perfect - and You know deep down he wants you too - well he hasn't actually said anything done anything given you any small piece of hint that you could ever possibly go by - but he's the one! he's perfect he's elegant, calm, doesn't talk out of line - a doctor - not that rich but respectable - he love s Sudan he's perfect - all these  songs as i listen to them I can see myself dancing with him - him whispering in my ear

'you're the one'
more songs, more loud songs, mariah carey, santana, careless whisper, even samialzaen,  and we dance, we sort all our problems out
' I couldn't say anything to you before because I didn't know how you felt'
how i felt! I loved you like crazy!
'I didn't know, I was afraid we wouldn't match, I was afraid you would reject me, think I was too different from you'
No, I always thought you thought I was wrong for you, I thought you just didn't want me
NO I've always wanted you - and now here we are dancing , we are one - we will always be together
will you marry me?

and then the songs in my headphones finish and I open my eyes

I'm in my apartment a million miles away from this man I'm dreaming of and all I can hear is the traffic now of midnight Britain - I try and imagine where he is now - stuck in a red light on a Khartoum street , working , sleeping, eating...thinking of me?
I am so hyped up - I just want him! that's it - there could possibly be no one else for me! I am sure this is a sign - maybe if I ...well If I him.......

******************WHAT! STOP - slap slap****

My inner self jumps at the notion of such a thing and if possible would have jumped out chocked me and returned -
how dare you even think of a self disrespecting thing like that!
but....what if i pretend i have a work reason or something and then he's so happy maybe he will say - Ive dreamt of this moment or maybe he'll say - can i call you tomorrow or maybe he'll say - don't ever call me again - no he wont say that - but maybe he'll talk so.....formal and normal the way he 's always treated me  that he will just break my heart instead of mending it and  I will hate myself forever

aaaawww.... sense - the destroyer of all magic.......
 - that song where he held me and smiled at me and said I was the one.....
is gone

suddenly I think.....
but what about Love , true love, you know the one where he wouldn't for no circumstance waited all this time to tell you he feels - what about the lovers you Love to see - what do they all have in common?
they don't hide they're feelings - yes they might not say the Love word for a while ( has to reach episode 452 or something until that happens or the end of the film)  but they are attracted they talk they smile they help even save each other  they do NOT think about anyone else - and you know just know  that they re made f or each other

 you want to feel that that man is not thinking of any other girl but you and that he makes it so clear that he is yours and he wants you to be his .........................there is just no NO room for doubt.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Dear God... I am your ugly servant

Dear God,
I have sinned uncontrollably
I have sinned disrespectfully
I have sinned Queitly , silently, dangerously
I have sinned conintuously
I have sinned adamantly
I have sinned knowingly
desirably strongly madly deeply
I have sinned harmfully
i have sinned .... un fortunately

Dear God
I am your servant
I only have I to account for
I only have this soul inside me that you will judge
 only have this heart that beats in me that you will recover
I only have this body I own that you will ask

Dear God
I am your regretable servant
the one who has sinned time and time again
until time was lost
and faith was the cost
I lost my faith
I forgot how to wake up for alsubuh in time
i forgot how to not indulge
I forgot how to not accept the devils plate

Dear God
I am your broken servant
I am your shattered piece of glass
your tarnished silver ware
your advanced case of failure
your useless creation

Dear God
I am your useless servant
for you did not create me to sin
you created me to surf the lands and to disvoer the earth
to readbooks and learn new things
to pray for you and live for you and die for you
to love for you and to love for you only

Dear God
I am your creation less servant
for I have not made you anything
I have not given you anything
I have not bought you anything
I have not asked you anything
I have not trusted you anything

Dear God
I am your servant
who wants to repent so bad I wish the world would cut short right now so I could experience of true tawbah
what I mean is I wish the world would stop spinning for me so I could catch up with my life
for it is turning so fast on me
everytime I try and repent I miss the turning point
I want to repent so bad it hurts so far down deep inside me I do not even know how I could possibly get this pain out of me
I want to repent so strong and so alive I want to repent so new and so real
I want to repent so persistent and so magnetic
I want to repent so swiftly and so fast that this time the world does not miss me
this time the world does not go without me

Dear God,
I am your servant that you know has dnoe so much wrong
my face is black
my body is sagging
my heart is dying
my soul is kidnapped
my devils are well paid

Dear God
Please Please Please Please help me

even rocks understand

even rocks understand
through their tough exterior and motionless bodies
they understand
their existence is only becasue of God
even rocks understand Life is not theirs
they are not the strongest but in act the weakkest
for with Gods miracles he can make water run through them
he can make them break and weaken and destruct
he can make mountains turn into feathers
even rocks understand it is all a myth
they make the world strong
mountains we are afraid of
when the earth shakes rocks will not be harmed
but they understand
without God they are without hand
even rocks understand
there is  a stronger rock
a stronger place
made of stronger nature
we can never fathom
even rocks understand
there is  better creations
and unimaginable explanations
and maybe even other worlds
and other people
and other human beings
maybe there are rocks in other planets bowing for the same
forthe same Peace
I ask you
I question you
..........  If a rock can bow to the one and only God
why can't you
rock beats all
in rock paper scissors
rock beats all
rock is the foundation of our lives
no emotions and yet
............even rocks understand
what iti means like to surrender

it's time for change......

it's time for change
i'm tired of staying the same
sugar is sweet
but life is sweeter
pleasure is pain
God is not in vain
regret is unmanagable
fury is deceitful
time is running out
it's time for change
words have meaning
surrendering to the wrong
and looking at the past
for one last moment
body aching
memories full
it's time for change
but I will get beaten
this is stronger than me
not that is love
forget the touch
of misery
and commisseration
and start the world
your world
without what makes you sick
the thump in your body must stop
it's time for change
from impurity
I am not going there again
fingers hurting from typing
and others
it's time for change
time is running out
its time to respect the time that is running out
and even though i once sat on that bench watching the river and feeling like my world will never end
the picture now does not have me and my world will end
it will end
i will oneday be accounted for
I will one day be asked
be questioned
be given ....a sentence
it's time for change

She don't need a man unless be continued

very much inspired by these 3 sentences i found - want to write more .......

She don't need a BOY who's married to the streets but a MAN who's engaged to his Deen & married to his Salah

Don't need a BOY who loves me for all the make up & clothes I'm wearing but a MAN who loves me for the sake of ALLAH & my decent clothing

Not a BOY who wants a wife cuz he is tired of messing around with girls but a MAN, who would... want to complete half of his Deen. ♥

Dark matter_ Chocolat

The darkness of a dream , a fantasy twists my mind - I cannot find - the exit point - it feels like tremors down my spine - the ripples vast from the night before - all so innocent the ties of rope, 3 from the devil, forver by me - I lie a world filled with hate and lust - I imagine a world arrogantly demanding and magically haunting a dark matter void of emptiness for it is useless the emotions i feel  it is ugly the mess I am in -
where do the stairs, the lamps, the words come from ? - where does the force, the irresponsibility, the fear wake from , where does the innocence, the beauty, the happiness die from, where does the madness,, the unexplainable, the darkness relate to?  -

i find myself losing the balance of all eternity - and stepping into the hell zone again, regret, remorse, anguish of by directional ill reasoning - I am lost - I am angry _ I aam afraid - i am alone only because i have chosen to - only becasue the curtains where closed and irefused to get up to fling them open and leave light of life enter , only because I cannot see divinity, resolution, heaven,....... heaven??

I am in one place and it is in another
i should be alive only to think of heaven
the entry points
I am to feel this life is a choclatier of spirals of delicious conquest
taste of pure bliss
elegance of time

I am not elegant
I am an expired woman
expired from elegance

the true entity of blissful time
she wavers her dress in the wind north due
amongst peoples mistakes she will never wrong pursue
she sings from the window at sunrise the dawn explicit to her -
 the colours drawing her new day -
mango, papaye , tea, cardamon, orange, jam, strawberry parade
of sweetness she overcomes the night by the light in her heart
she is elegant because her eyes are apart
her soul is bound with the suns explanation of rays -
 she understands the meaning of life -
her making is to make up beauty true from within -
she does not hate anything -
she is not in hate with any1 -
 for when you cannot forgive they have power over you -
the sensations of destruct is inside you not them -
when you cannot live - they have killed you  - 
 she is elegant by her stance her miracle of reading quran for every word -
every dream comes from here -
not from dirty open mess - not from the morning dark matter of disgust -
 not from the sanctions of  failure-
 she is elegant by her withdrawal strength from the strength of her resistance
people cannot resist her -
not the other way around -
she cannot resist anything..................

Monday, April 18, 2011

Dear Quran..... I come back to you

My long lost Quran
I have broken myself without you
I have expired
I miss you so much it hurts so bad and yet I am not there to find you
and be with you again
is that not ridiculous??
If you missed your lover would you not call tem, hug them, be with them
Dear lost Quran

Once upon a time
I learnt a lot of things from you
and I loved to learn the whole Quran
I promised myself this would be my lifelong dream
no matter how impossible it seemed
even jsut believing that opened so many doors

now - I see you from afar and forget you
now I only pick you up now and again
now I have forgotten all I used to know by heart
I have forgotten my heart
Dear heart - have you locked this gold from me?
Do you know where the key is?
Dear heart I know
I just know
that you would not never ever throw out such expensive matter from you
you have it stored
I know you do

 Quran I will find you again
you are my only medecine
my only hope
my only life once more
through you I find god
what sort of an expensive gift is that!
through you i seek forgiveness read pure honest words
words written by God
just truth
now isnt that true healing.............

water.....dying without it

Life is made of water
It's amazing thaT  Idont really drink any
you're meant to drink 2 litres aday
if I drank 2 litres aday - i wouldnt be able to eat half the stuff I eat and will automatically have better organs, skin and concenctration
We would die without
therefore I am dying without
when i remember it
it is late
to drink as much as I need
or it is late to reduce what I've ate

water is healing
water is so good for you its practically gushing to tell me

Water I will make a part of me from today
 water  I will dirnk
Water I will think
before anything else

I mean look at it
clear simple
so important..............

if for every 2 hours......

Romantic comedies/ Romantic movies/ ROmance - it's my job
it's my
How can a muslim woman like me let life become so....????? in film
I could watch a hundred of these a day
and then do it all over again the next day
if this sounds ridiculously out of poporiton - it is
I know it is
but I am picking up the pieces of my life and so  Iwill gratify this moment of self criticism
I melt into these emotions like chooclate in heat
I smile when they kiss
I know its gona go right
I love that
You know that the fight in the middle is gona get sorted
I hhave been so obsssessed with these ... pills
that I have forgotten how to watch a true movie
A movie
A good one

movies are meant to be something you love yes
not 2 hours of ...... commitment

I feel commited to watch these romantic movies

at first I thought it was normal - all girls love these kind of movies ( don get me wrong its not that its wrong to love or watch these movies what s wrong is my continouus seduction to watch it over and over and over again until I Could get sick_ )

for me these movies are like a drug
my own addiction
and its wrong
it has to stop
if for every movie I read Quran
I would find the love I need a thousand times stronger , a thousand times quicker, A thousand times here to stay

So stolen life - I Will not waste one more minute watching a movie I have seen before

no more fbook

Life does not revolve around facebook
I wish , I honestly wish I could go back to the day I made a facebook
and think

I read somewhere that 10 million commments are made a day and 2 million friend requests are accepted - The article talked about 'being in the loop' and you become so much so in that loop - you cannot come out

every year after ramada - I promise myself I will only open it once a week -  then it becomes once a day for 15 minutes only
then I lose
to the loop
I feel like this is the first mistake in my life i need to fix

It's innocent I know - friends, comments, Pictures, more comments, posting what I like
jsut now I posted I like cherry blossoms
seeing what other peple are doing
why does that bother me?
what other people are doing

the problem with fbook is it has become a sort of communication
you  cannot jsut pick up and go
people text u email you catch u through fbook and u the same

it is a tough loop to detach from
but I feel like an invisible loop is tying me down so bad
when I open the net its always fbook
before the last moment i leave i check fbook
if I comment I wonder what people think or wrote
if I like a video or something I want every1 to know abot it

this is wrong
its also wrong to completely forget about it


yes I have a fbook but it doesnt mean naything to me
I can and will not use it when I want to
I will leave it be the last thing i open in the day or week or even month
someone wants to contact me - they will find me and I will find them
I open my fbook in my own time not in its  time
I open my fbook to check my life not others
if I want to check otehr peoples lives it s not to intervene in them
it is not to 'find out about them'
it is to keep in touch
Fbook is not the only way of communication
whn i get htat feeling I want or have to open it
I Will stop it
 it is the first stage of healing
I cannot even imagine how much time I Will suddenly gain
that t ime is essential
it is my life that is stolen from me.....

Cherry blossoms 3

Life will only blossom within me If I understand what is life to me. I will not eat or drink, Sleep or succumb no more until I figure out... What is life to me ...for life is precious - it is not facebook, it is not buses, and moeny, it is not holidays, it is not programmes or made up love storys it is not chocolate... it is not even perfume or sleep - no Life is non of those - for I have lived all of these and have not passionately admired life ...yet
(to be continud)

Deep down these little flowers all mean one thing to me


Beauty of Life
Beauty of destiny
Beauty of What you want and how you think of yourself
Beauty of hope
Beauty in the day
the sun
the sunset
the night
Beauty in God

God is beautiful and loves beauty’
God’s very essence is beautiful.
it's utterly and ravishingly beautiful
it cannot be compared with anything else
God’s beauty within each of us
shines all that we do
it is God’s beauty that attempts to draw life
 it is the reflection of beauty within us that attracts us to God
How do we become beautiful for God,
amidst the ugliness of our own souls? 
How do we respond to God's enchantment
, in our days and in our nights,
in our realities and in our dreams

Everything is beautiful when i think of GOd
After i pray
When i pray
when I read Quran
When I hear Quran
Suddenly things fall into place again
Who Am i?
I am hope
Why am I here?
To worship God
Where am I going?
To heaven
What Is love to me?
If God lets me


cherry blossoms 2

i want to walk in pink grass
I want to feel with my barefoot pink satin
I want to feel light
I want to have a light conscience
I want to have a happy dream

I wish I could fill my life with cherry blossoms.....
my dreams with all that pink...

Please God, give me this pink dream

I am in love with .....Cherry blossoms 1

They make my day
They light me up
They look divine
I imagine them
Lots and millions of them
in heaven ground
in miracle space
in my good piece of mind

I love cherry blossoms 1

Sunday, April 17, 2011

To my dear sister

I once had a sister , her name was Eman. she was 6 or 7 when she died as she had some health problems.I was maybe 10, I can't remember I was a child  i don't really remember her either - in fact I never really think about her or feel taht  Ihad a sister

As I write these words A feeling I never felt in my life comes upon me

I have a sister.....
I am not really an only child - it's all a fallacy
I am not alone
I have a sister

her name was Eman
I would have been older than her by a couple of years
But I wonder if she was here would all my problems be minimal
We would help each other lose weight
we would look after our parents
take advice on them
we would have opinions
who knows she would save me and I would save her

...................To my dear sister eman
I was young when you were alive. I was stupid and a child. I never knew how to love you and I think I was scared of you. In summary, I didn't know you - It's why today , now I feel like an only child - I dont know why I never thought of you before
I don't know - I asked god to help me today - I just feel so alone sometimes like I am unlovable (parents dont' count)
I feel unlovable sometimes , escpecially when I see all those movies - the minute the movie ends I feel I am sucked into big black hole  and I want to rewind the movie all over again
God - I fee ashamed I thnk like that - I feel embarrased I do this to myself
I have such a good life -but I abuse it
Dear sister - I suddenly am thinking about you
how you would have looked
how old you would have been
how we would be
would we think alike
would we help each other out
I don't know why I have this gut feeling if you were here - I would be thin
Dear sister
I'm sorry I've never thought of you before
I dont know - I really dont know
I feel...wicked
I have so many emotions I have no control over
I wish you were here to talk to you about them
Dear sister
God left me to live and  took you
he chose you to go to heaven for sure
I am still in question
I am living this life
with so many mistakes
I wish I had you to tell me to lose weight or to tell me not to worry about our parents
or to tell me I am your older sister
Me , A sister!

You suddenly came into my mind!
I really don't know why!
maybe its for healing purposes
I suddenly feel I want you more than anything
I dont want to think of love Suddenly
Suddenly I just want to see my sister

Suddenly I ask what you would look like
What I would like.......

God opens a gate between us
I don't know
I just felt you
I felt you........

Broken mirror..... dreams are in terror

I can't stop looking at myself through this broken mirror
Like I cannot see the real me
it's tainted by the cracks the slithering reflection
i want to remove all the that shattered glass
and put a new mirror
where in between I transform into a beautiful Sudanese woman purely proud of who I am
and most importantly totally in control of what I feel

but instead I find myself on dreaming this dream
through films
through other peoples dreams
through nightmares that I am stuck looking at my face through split dreams

I can't bring myself to take out the glass that sits so silently yet dramatically in front of me
it's too much work?
or am I afraid of cutting myself
hurting myself in the sharpness of trying and failing
all I find myself doing is standing in front of the mirror
staring at my unknown self
trying to zoom into my eyes
my dirty eyes
my weak eyes that come under
my strange body that is foreign

I don't know
I don't know what I want
or is it I want a million things they all dissipate somewhere
I fee lost
I feel down
and then I feel disappointed with myself that I feel like this

God has given me everything
God has spoiled me

God has given me a lots of things
But when I look at myself in the mirror
that broken mirror
All I see is the scratches
All I see are the parts that Are going to fall
All I see is the mirror broken into pieces

and All I see is my face....broken with it

I hate the ending_ the void of my time

i go to sleep dissapointed for the story was not created by God
I do not like the end I would have ended it like this
I think ; everytime I am dissapointed
the endings are always always optional for me, always wrong for me
whynot like this?
why not end like this
why like this now ?
i hate it
i go to sleep dissapointed
why am I spending my time in other peoples lives?
in a way that i forget mine
in a way that I am not preoccupied with mine
I am in love with other peoples stories
yet i hate the ending
I always hate the end
but true life is not like that
I am living everyday one more episode of my life
everyday I am adding to the story
everyday the series goes on
I do not know and I will never know what is going to happen
I do not know and i will never know how it will end
until the end
one day
and I know i will never be dissapointed
because it is what God wants for me
this will be my story
not anybody elses..............
this iwll be my details and my heartbreak and happiness
not anybody elses
my sirens of life
my ignorance into death and love
my bliss into hope
my faith into being
my soul into forgiveness
my heart into time
my destiny into his
my fate into mine
my age into space
my eyes into shape

Saturday, April 9, 2011


it's that time again I'm jolted with vast electri zity by my broken family It's that moment now after a pain full row i no longer know how how to remember, who I am It's that minute all over when I want to Iscream so Iloud all the world can download my Ipain ...........Ifree it's that hour again when I've lost every sing my hart is torn apart it's that wicked silence After an x plosion of emotion I am severely damaged fatally wounded lethally poisoned my words tarnished by the lack of beauty in this house my emotions drizzled with wrench those poisoned rats of feeling they smell rotten in the leaking drains of this disgusting family my shameful piece of home where war is stored and silence roars my twisted back corridors of family that only know tragedy how to demand from me and suck me from me.................... but there can only be so many tears eventually eventually my tears will break dams through this green desert through this putrid land and water will understand how to quench me ................................................................................................

One last glance

I take one last glance at a wishful dream the pavements glisten with sparkling lights in the midst of a million dreams everything is open everyone is talking beeeeeep cars vooooom buses silence.........roads swirling me I walk away from the brightness of a fantasy, as I walk further and further to being parked far away , being parked in another street another lifetime another way theatres are full with happy people winding after a show mamma mia/ the lion king/ King of my heart, where are you to save me the fairytale in my forgotten soul chatters of friends whispers of lovers laughter of young Queit of me things to eat all things to eat everything you can think of tastes to free you to fill you to change you to make you forget pain to make you listen to your true footsteps footsteps I succumb to footsteps i want to melt into footsteps not the ones I travel now - its all the wrong way now food to chill you ease you wisk you afar and down into the alleyways of further elegance and connected beauty I walk transformed into glamorous confusion my body in a circus I barely understand and my mind in a whirlpool of thought I barely want to leave a portal into the 67 bus of hope the blue line of fate, the brown line of destiny the red line of new ............ I glance the last glance taken away from a passionate Rendezvous icecream fantasy / an unforgetful blind agony of someone I am dying to become I am desperate to feel, look like , taste like, stand like, hold , love , shine , be admired like, be wanted to be with like the cakes of window shops in my fingertips or the small beautiful clothes in window shops that look like impossible satin I glance, one last glance of this paused future I want to run into - if Icould only find the locked door - maybe I can let go and ...................escape If I Could only find the lost tissue of goodbye maybe I could say goodbye forever from the past and suddenly dissappear in this city of today, where there are only large eyes, rimmel eye shadow and the right skin the city that never sleeps the city that knows me the city that wants me that wants to be with me thecity that would say hey.......... you are a part of me you look like me feel like me trust like me I will take you into my arms and never let go Iwill kiss you and never stop I will never fight with you I will never break your heart I will never dissapoint you I will never hurt you even when we get old I will never make you cry I will never let you cry I will never let anyone else make you cry I will never want to change you I will never not want you because you are my light for you I be beautiful you are a part of me hold my hand come this way .................... HEY ???? CMON WE'RE LATE I glance, one last glance

Saturday, April 2, 2011

unknown chemistry

you can't learn chemistry between two people 2 lovers chemsitry is drawn from the inner quarters of true love you cannot touch it , you cannot have it until it is unlocked by the powerful magnet of two connected people chemistry that runs like biology and the physics of dramatic involvemet chemistry that you cannot learn chemistry divine to the stars reaching so far just from the simple development of a relationship i want ..... well i dont know what i want i want the type of chemistry right now that heals me from within that inspires me that simplifies my needs that corrects me that changees me for the better i want the type of chemsitry that shifts me and empowers me chemistry from within chemistry that bulbs internal worlds chemistry that torments darkness chemsitry that... I am yet t find ............

Happy late belated april fools

It's 2.09 am in themorning I may peak hours of a new day.... its silences since the loud invasion of noise stopped.... I feel like someone was hammering drums.... noisy drums so close to me for the whole day and now its stopped my muscles ache I dont want to be here ....there is cool refreshing glass ofwater sitting on my left hand side it looks surrealo simple so elgant so clean so calm it looks like something out a dream ot of a heavenly picture just this calm full glass of cool beautiful water next to me my mobile phone lies near it loosely no the table angles mislaigned with the corners of time i have not checked it in a while... i have an urge I want to know what it olds ....but now there is silence just the sound of the soft touch of my fingertips with the clicks of the keyboard it sounds like .... the sweetness of words being written something mving in my head this is what the inside of my brain should sound like fomulated kindness with spoken word everything should e so simple and yet i chooe i not to be everyday i insist on investing in thousands of time in other people problems everyday i ask to pay fpr hundreds of stuggling emotion everyday my back hurts and my knees ache and my chest gets tighter with emprisonment everyday I lose myself when all I want is to be like htat free glass of cool calm water.... ______________ who is that I'm tricking who i s it being tricked who was april fools day played on is it everyday april fools is played on me...................................

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -