Saturday, April 9, 2011

One last glance

I take one last glance at a wishful dream the pavements glisten with sparkling lights in the midst of a million dreams everything is open everyone is talking beeeeeep cars vooooom buses silence.........roads swirling me I walk away from the brightness of a fantasy, as I walk further and further to being parked far away , being parked in another street another lifetime another way theatres are full with happy people winding after a show mamma mia/ the lion king/ King of my heart, where are you to save me the fairytale in my forgotten soul chatters of friends whispers of lovers laughter of young Queit of me things to eat all things to eat everything you can think of tastes to free you to fill you to change you to make you forget pain to make you listen to your true footsteps footsteps I succumb to footsteps i want to melt into footsteps not the ones I travel now - its all the wrong way now food to chill you ease you wisk you afar and down into the alleyways of further elegance and connected beauty I walk transformed into glamorous confusion my body in a circus I barely understand and my mind in a whirlpool of thought I barely want to leave a portal into the 67 bus of hope the blue line of fate, the brown line of destiny the red line of new ............ I glance the last glance taken away from a passionate Rendezvous icecream fantasy / an unforgetful blind agony of someone I am dying to become I am desperate to feel, look like , taste like, stand like, hold , love , shine , be admired like, be wanted to be with like the cakes of window shops in my fingertips or the small beautiful clothes in window shops that look like impossible satin I glance, one last glance of this paused future I want to run into - if Icould only find the locked door - maybe I can let go and ...................escape If I Could only find the lost tissue of goodbye maybe I could say goodbye forever from the past and suddenly dissappear in this city of today, where there are only large eyes, rimmel eye shadow and the right skin the city that never sleeps the city that knows me the city that wants me that wants to be with me thecity that would say hey.......... you are a part of me you look like me feel like me trust like me I will take you into my arms and never let go Iwill kiss you and never stop I will never fight with you I will never break your heart I will never dissapoint you I will never hurt you even when we get old I will never make you cry I will never let you cry I will never let anyone else make you cry I will never want to change you I will never not want you because you are my light for you I fight...to be beautiful you are a part of me hold my hand come this way .................... HEY ???? CMON WE'RE LATE I glance, one last glance

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -