Thursday, April 28, 2016

turning mad

Hello there
you are a fool
not knowing anything about your turmoils you only add some
here you are today
super in your dreams
and yet you want to be unhappy
you want to be sad
you want to be worried
and yet
allah gives you success
gives you fresh days
gives you a promise
gives you a chance
but you dont take any of that
you just like to take the trouble of the devil
that evil friend around you
telling you its just not going to work
and so you cannot enjoy
cannot believe
cannot fathom
cannot prevent pain coming to you
you are wrong

you are driving yourself into misery
and you need a new way to exit this madness
for really you re turning mad

A bad thought of selfishness

Ya allah 
Forgive me
For i have made so many bad thoughts generating from my stupid evil brain cells that i deserve to have nothing
I deserve nothing
But i ask u to forgive me
For i am weak 
Weaker than all 
The weakest
Feeling so easily tempted to think these bad thought
Ans these bad ways
And these selfish moments
But u are kind ya allah
You are most forgiving
Forgive me 
Ya allah
Im sorry for the first thoughts that come out of my head
Please dont punish me for them 
Please dont take your good because of my bad
Please dont hate me because of my evil ways ya allah ya rab

Monday, April 25, 2016

re: everything about me

you have to throw this waste away
if you feel better , then you feel better
if you feel bad, you have to realise a lot of it is in your head
if you feel lazy you have to remember all the energy that got you here in the first place
if you feel down, you have to remember how long youve been waiting for this moment
if you feel helpless , remember you are helpless
except to pray
if you feel weird, then try compile a new system to feel
if you feel impatient, then remember the time will pass either way
and remember fanta
theres just no need to be impatient
remember the trust in the way the world works
if you feel sick, remember the deaths of others due to their sickness
if you feel wicked , remember the angels around you and within you
if you feel tormented with fear, remember their is no fear greater than allah
if you feel lost, remember how you can find yourself
if you feel taken by life and swirling in difficulty, remember a new experience will always be hard
dont make it harder than it already is
dont make it difficult for yourself
dont make it strange for yourself
dont make it a horrible experience
dont make it a broken experience
dont write your own fate
let it be written for you

..... and live 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

feeling not myself

my biggest fear
my biggest weakness
believing in that loss
my biggest misunderstanding
my body
I dont know how to react to my body
my biggest miscommunication
my happiness
my biggest disaster
my troubles
my mobile
my readings
of everyone elses fearsm weaknesses, misunderstandings, miscommunications, disasters and troubles
 I wish i was dumb
I wish i didnt know anything
I wish  i just didnt care about anything
I wish i wasnt so clever
cuz im just not clever
I wish i wasnt so lost
i wish was reassured not mechanically
but through my soul
I wish i wasnt so tired from the heart
I wish i was kinder to myself
I wish
I wish
ayamun ma3doodat
so how are you going to count them?

The flat woman

I got to feel better
Its not going to work like this
Am a mess
Am a train wreck
A broken fool
For the devil to walk on me 
For the blackbirds to poo on me
For the screams of fear to echo on me
Its all a bad effect
The result of poor eman
The result of nothing inside me
The result of all the ropes ive let go of
The result of all the words i havnt read and the commitments to allah i havnt finished
And yet hes still kind and honest to me
Imagine giving a million pounds just to someone
Even if thatperson wasnt good or even if they were even bad
Wiuld u 
But allah gave me
More than a million pounds
No wonder am a plane crash of a woman

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Ya allah- priceless is worth a lot

Dear allah
You chose me
Thank you for your timeless gifts
For ive been waiting
And you didnt forget
And you didnt delay
Although i dont deserve
And now here i am
With a priceless gift
And suddenly i dont care abiut black dye being the epitomy of beauty or deepened flowers and the whirl of expensive and troublesome things
It just doesnt matter i cant stand the difference
For i feel different and i look different 
Love is in my body and all my hopes and dreams
So i dont care abiut the blacknesso f flowers and the twirls and twists of a simple story 
I care about the big story
The one ive been waiting for

Monday, April 18, 2016


What happens when your dreams come true
All their details and love their beating heart and their secret findings
All their minute details and your expressionless moment
So at that moment
You dont know what to feel except be proud and motionless
To be continued...

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Dear allah ... Thank you for today , for this, for now

Here i am
In a balcony almost unbelieving of my gratitude
From the simple silence that hosts the miracle of a 4.07 am balcony
Where u will never find this peace here like this
A miracle
I let the cool wind embrace me 
Another kindness
And the stuff that came
Another prayer answered
And 40 days in 
Another day counted as a blessing
For here i am 
Under the umbrella of allahs giving 
And yet
Am a nervous wreck
My head hurting my body trembling
My mind a cold sweat
Diseased with worry

But this balcony saves the day
Sways the night
And heals me
For my body doesnt need this right now
No it doesnt need this stress
Rather it needs to be reminded how glorious it is
How wondrous it is
How amazing its doing
And im expexting from it only what allah desires
Ya allah help me reach whrre i yearn
Let it my time 
Let it come and relax me
Help me and protect me
Mainly frommyself
For i kno u wil only give me what i cam handle

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Just thank you

Dear allah 
There are no amount of words to let you know how lucky i feel
How happy i am 
How strong u have made me in a time where i could have been low
There are no words to let u know how direct i am in my feelings to let u know thank you and that i love u 
Yes i am scared
But i know i could never ask for more
Dear allah 
Thank you for everything for now
For then
For tomorow 
For everyday 
Thank you ya allah 
For how i feel right now
For all the kindnesses you send along my way
Thank yu for all this
Thank you
I cant thank you enough
Thank you for this ya allah
I can just feel your presence 
Your love
And i am here
Pkeawe allah 
Dont let me go 
Hold me in your arms and never let me gofor i desperately need ur love
And your treasures
Accept me and help me and forgive me
And dont let me go
Protect me
And ya allah samihni
For i love you
And i love who i am because of u
And i love how i look and 
What am feeling
And what could be happening to me
Ya allah 
Please take away my worries
Take away my mistakes
And help me add credit which i so luckily nees
Ya allah 
Devour me in your plan 

Please allow me to be this new gift i beg for
Please allow me
Please help me ya allah 
Please help me

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Nothing that i should be

Am worried sick
I cant get over this worry
Am very strangely gloomyy
When i should be a miracle
Am feeling lost
Not that woman i need to bam breaking apart
Am weak
Am just a soft mess
Just a liquefying degeneration
Am totally useless
My thoughts are malignant
Killing all healthy within me
Killing all nice
Killing all promises and possibilities
My thoughts are just taking over
Waiting for death...

Right now am nothing that i should be

Friday, April 1, 2016

I am here .... those underground stops

am feeling excited , promoted, existing in a circle of love
im feeling trusting, joyous , proud, new, motivated

am feeling urging, gotta change my whole self, my whole being, my whole expression

gotta be more like eliaine
would never shout
would never be ungirly
would never be unsweet
everything would be sweet
for her
and how she does things
or asi
the strength of  horse and the queitness of a princess of the fields
such fierceness and yet such calm
like  a slow storm
like an unpredicted future but a one i yearn for and pray for and wish for
like that calm storm or the princess in the field
for i conquer my body and Allah gives me what he desires - i have no control but to wish, but to admire, but to believe, but t hope, but to love
as much as I can
from deep deep inside
to change and be the one i need so Allah gives me wht I need
for i am here
i am here
awaiting change
awaiting strength
awaiting a miracle
awaiting the hope within me to rise

ll those times on planes i dreamt and wished and prayed
all those times crossing bridges from wedding parties
all those times late at night in bed as a young girl looking at the stars and setting the alarm clock for school
all those times alone in apartments
all those times in the tube alone in a city - i was always a strong woman
i was always with Allah , he was always with me
i just realised i forgot this
i forgot that girl that didnt know how good her future is
the girl who worked hard and trusted on that future
the girl who made mistakes yer but who asked for forgiveness more and more
the girl who loved, who took care of her , who took care of me
no matter how hard that was
and now I ask i take care of me
I ask Allah does not let me go

I ask that the skies open up with gifts
and the roads silence with bowing of life
i ask the road then lengthens
i ask an bothar fada is fada
is long
for ya Allah i am awaiting this journey
i am awaiting your treasures
i am awaiting your miracles

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -