Friday, April 1, 2016

I am here .... those underground stops

am feeling excited , promoted, existing in a circle of love
im feeling trusting, joyous , proud, new, motivated

am feeling urging, gotta change my whole self, my whole being, my whole expression

gotta be more like eliaine
would never shout
would never be ungirly
would never be unsweet
everything would be sweet
for her
and how she does things
or asi
the strength of  horse and the queitness of a princess of the fields
such fierceness and yet such calm
like  a slow storm
like an unpredicted future but a one i yearn for and pray for and wish for
like that calm storm or the princess in the field
for i conquer my body and Allah gives me what he desires - i have no control but to wish, but to admire, but to believe, but t hope, but to love
as much as I can
from deep deep inside
to change and be the one i need so Allah gives me wht I need
for i am here
i am here
awaiting change
awaiting strength
awaiting a miracle
awaiting the hope within me to rise

ll those times on planes i dreamt and wished and prayed
all those times crossing bridges from wedding parties
all those times late at night in bed as a young girl looking at the stars and setting the alarm clock for school
all those times alone in apartments
all those times in the tube alone in a city - i was always a strong woman
i was always with Allah , he was always with me
i just realised i forgot this
i forgot that girl that didnt know how good her future is
the girl who worked hard and trusted on that future
the girl who made mistakes yer but who asked for forgiveness more and more
the girl who loved, who took care of her , who took care of me
no matter how hard that was
and now I ask i take care of me
I ask Allah does not let me go

I ask that the skies open up with gifts
and the roads silence with bowing of life
i ask the road then lengthens
i ask an bothar fada is fada
is long
for ya Allah i am awaiting this journey
i am awaiting your treasures
i am awaiting your miracles

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -