Monday, June 29, 2015

Ramadan Day 12_ Mango cheesecake

in a sky where the realms suddenly slipped into a new world
and the heat thawed my frozen heart and the desert sunk into my tired eyes
I was third time lucky
or was i just lucky for Allah was with me and i felt and i knew that he was planning everything perfectly for me
for in that moment when i chose that scent
she said
I had just bought it for my boyfriend yesterday on the very last flight
she seemed more suprised than i was
she was proud of my focus and superiority amongst anyone there
for she probably never met someone like me - so focused
and she probably never thought it would be coming to Khartoum
that coincidence would strike
but for me it was fate closing in
for i had already heard about it
and i had on the last fingertips of existence... taken white mountains with me to here

and she
gave me mango cheesecake for that
I woke up suddenly and all i saw was the gratitude of first class
as if Allah had brought me forwards
and i loved every moment of that rare existence
the golden the white the biscuit the white plate the kind taste
the cold memory
the goodness of you deserve this

and now here i am
1 week in
This time i am different
that same focus
i want to keep forever
that kindness that love
that fever of hope i have within me
dont want to fall like here
i only want to see the good in things
the beauty in things
I only want to be good
this Ramadan is mine
I dont want to get jealous because others  wake up better than me or read more than me or believe more than i do
no this Ramadan is mine
no one
no one got mango cheesecake like i did
and no one will be like me this Ramadan
or in whatever i do

for I am hope
i am unique
and I will not be sad by own doing

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Ramadan day ?... The girl with the mango cheesecake

Dont forget
Ur sliming into a background
Ah ur never better enough
This black dust that topples on you
When u are the best are the kindest and have so much faith

Stay positive
Stay healthy
But more importantly
Stay faithful

Friday, June 26, 2015

Ramadan Day 9... fire burns..dont become this

but youre a cold blooded woman kind to the core
ice smooth and so chilled that you are heat resistant
dont let time burn you
or words melt you
or ideas flame you
or fears turn you into ash

dont ever lose that feeling...
that I am hope filled with hope walking into mahon with the same feeling as going to omdurman driving your life the way you want it to go living every little part of it enjoying the tantalising taste of health and wealth and savings and fun and life
dont let this Ramadan pass you by without being different renewed in love with yourself because you are important and you are in need of your love

.... dont forget the kindness and courage and dreams and positivity and hopefulness and usage of life to its full

kind regards

Monday, June 22, 2015

Ramadan day 5... Lost in translation?

Geah but until when
Until will u continue to not know yourslf
To forgive urself for the unforgivable 
To love urself but never nourish urself
To not be healthy
To drive urself to pain and diseas
Until when will u be weak with words
With drama and util when will u have good intention coming out as bad intention
Until when will u be condescending of others but never urself
Look at urself first
Let the truth haunt u hurt u worry u 
Not others
And let urself in to this plaguing place inside
Where noone can enter
Filled with trauma and broken branches of trust for yourself
And a place where there is so much happiness covered by air musty with  heartbreak
Let a new you gasp
Open hrr eyes
And begin
Theres no other way

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Ramadan day 4...احمدك واشكرك يا رب

Thank you allah
Forbetween seconds that can shift plates and change lives you keep me safe
Happy and u keep the ones around me close and happy and safe
For they are my family
And i need them so much
Ya allah for everything near and far 
I thank you for being there for me
Never letting me go
Protecting me
Andi know
Everything happens for a reason
But all yourreasons are healthy and happy
Ya allah imsoryy for everything ive done
And havnt done
And im sorry for being sore
Being mean
Being lost
Ya allah thnk u for everything
For every littlething
That i have feom hairpins to breaths
That i take
To planesthat i ride to nice dresses that i csn wear to that clean mri
To myfamily
To him
Thank you to mylife
Every single bit of it
Thank you ya rab

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Ramadan day 3... Find you again

Ya allah how can i thank u for all the good things uve given me
The health u have provided me
The love u have shared with me the everythjng u have done for me
I feel like am on top of the world
Putting my mind at ease and making sure am ok
Ya allahhow can i repay u
By being grateful?
By being happy?
By being strong
By being kind
By being useful
By being loving
By being beautiful
By being with u in everything that i do
By being calm
Within myself
Throught my days and hours
Finding that time to worship u
To find u again 

Friday, June 19, 2015

Ramadan day 2... Hard as rock, soft as cotton

I want to be
This time am gonna do it
Going back to the nestles of wild birds 
I am not wild 
But a tamed new one coming against hibernation
And i will not let those of the deep desert to beat me
Or change me
No the new in me will not falter
Will not buckle
And will. Not be primitive
Ithurts but i will pray
Get closer to allah
Pray that he forgives me
Hope for the best
And inshallah allah will give u better than u ever dreamt 
But my lifes motto
From now and throughout is
Hard as rock 
Soft as cotton

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Ramadan day 1 ... Pull me out

Hi ramadan
Is it so bad to say ive been a horrible person
To others
But mainly to myself
Just look at my fingers
Just feel my thick heartbeat .. Heavy
Just count my irregular breaths ... Broken
Just hear my silent thanks... Absent
Just try to find me but you wont 
As im erased with the mess of my thoughts
Of my mistakes
Of my fears
But most importantly
Of my unbelieving dreams 
Ive got wings hurting and yet am trying to fly
Ivegot bruied eyes and yet ive been trying to see
Wondering why i cant 

See beauty honesty strength within me
I miss my man
Deeply for he is a part of me
And yet here i am
Not a part of myself
And u kno whatim tired
Very very much
Am so tired
Aching for rest
Aching for sanity
Aching for peace
Aching for a chance

So i ask you ramadan 2015
Save me
Help me
Pull me out of this suffocation
Pull me out

Friday, June 5, 2015

We dont trust you...

We trust you...
Sounded te opposite sound sarcastic
Or was it naturally called for
I havnt seen u do anything u promised... So why now
I suddenly ask myself
Why am i apologising for my own lifes walk ? Thsse are my decisions and my options
Why do i have to feel bad about them
Its likke apologising for sleeping or thinking 
And i suddenly realised it was my fault i was letting others make me feel like this
That made me keep thinking about how they would feel about things i was doing instead of how i would feel about things i was doing
So today 
Instead of being happy being sound being alive
All i feel is regret for a choice ive taken
That got me further thinking
If i always think like this always worried about what others think about my natural  paths or my private lifes choices
Wouldnt i just get sick of making those choices
Or no wouldnt the choices mean nothing to me
Im really doing them for others
Therefore the first person i really should care about what they think is me
What do i think. 
How do i feel
What do i need
Why have i chosen to do that? 

Now those are the real questions
And now im feeling quite... Annoyed i guess
More at myself
Ive done so many bad choices that ive let other crawl into me like ... Water soaking a sponge
I deserve better from myself 
And because im not doing that
My ropes are untightening
And anything is ... Harmful hurtful heavy

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Work writing- a mess

Here i am loving caring understanding wanting needing having not having
My life is worth living 
Always i think about the girl in the yellow cardi all the way there a long time ago and all the pain she had inside her how images are so decieving she might have been happier in a slum but how unhappy shewas i. The free world
Civilisation as some like to call it
But i think
Civilisation is within u 
My home is beautifully civilised although just 20 steps outside is a rubbish dump 
Or dinner for some
 I miss him so much
I want him as much asthe purple and pink eyeshadows i couldnt stop myself getting
Or the morrocan fabrics in ... Storm
My heart is astorm
Im complete confident yet broken and weak
I am smart i am happy
But am also the one to make myself cey
I am reasy to be a mother
I cant even imagine how it feels 
Its like walking on the moon for me 

Monday, June 1, 2015

Today is the 1st june...yellow i remember

Long time i didnt care about blogging just ruining my life was time ful
Long time i didnt concentrate i didnt breathe i didnt conquei ve never seen myself weaker
Less persistent
Never even i remember the last time i 
Achieved something
No i dont
Unless u count good shopping
I kno right now no difference with me and the girl in the yellow cardigan
Except maybe im alive and shes... Not

To be continued...

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -