Saturday, November 30, 2013

its up to you

will we give it a try?
one last eenie beetsie weenie try
one thats worth a fight 
and worth some fun
and worth some sun
in the heart of the one you lvoe the most
shall we try for the very very last time?
to break free?

Friday, November 29, 2013

Before you worry, pray

I dont listen before I act
I react so much earlier before I think
I always spend without even knowing how much I earn
I am the worst criticiser of others and myself never giving a seconds chance to wait
I never forgive before I pray or after I pray or anything
I always quit well before I try

if I listened before i acted I Would be quieter and wiser
if i thought before I reacted i would be at peace with myself
if I earned and saved i would have afoundation for the future
if i waited before i criticised I would be kinder and I would feel clean from the bottom of my heart
if i forgave myself and others before i prayed then my prayer would have meaning and my life would be lighter
if i tried and never quit then everything i dreamt of would come true

34 days until forever....

and i Feel like an exam i havnt studied for
yet  I know all the answers
why should it be so hard>?
to be so perfect?
african sauna lingers in the background on a canope of another  sleeping  friday
and everyday
the waft of tradition finally touches my skin
glowing dark blissful, hard, energetic, strange, and .... into forever
I am reminded of the new step ive taken and the new girl im turning into
why then should i be unhappy with myself?
why should be worried or unsure of what I really can do?
can I really not do all that I want?
african sauna came true
patience without knowing
why should it all  be so hard?
or is it an ashy soul
that hasnt tasted true cake or true confidence.

is it so?

The golden secret

no longer a secret>?
but wait

for me a spray of this golden liquid is a poweful transclucency into the mesmerising past
a past drowned like the titanic , thousands of miles down in the years of time and yet its very delicious name brings meaning back as if it all just happened  today...
there is no going back , no making it all alive again, no living it all again
there is only the waft of remembering , the peace of existing in my own memory through a spray
of the 5 number to history - I am portaled into an existence that opens up my pores and makes me linger to become a queen... a Sudanese Queen
only I know that magical secret
only I know its the key to a beautiful dream - as glorious as  the sensational titanic
the way in the movie the sun pours throught the blackness and the pine wood of deck chairs and sun doors gleams exploding with freshenss and magnificence
noone knows this bottle is the golden secret that opens the sundoors to my grandmothers veranda
wardrobes locking treasures , kitchen cupboards holding english earl grey with rose drawn teacups and sterling silver, imported only to her evening tea tray , jam eaten with scrambled egg... a divine intervention, cadburys cocoa transported to my grandmothers freezer - unique brown royal to Sudan, fresh homemade custard, glistening yellow waiting for dessert at 2pm maybe with jelly, maybe with cream - and Chanel no 5 - always the last thing from a Heathrow airport - a bottle of chanel no 5
her perfume of life, of love, of elegance,and of knowledge that there is a better world - a sweeter world , an elegant world, a magical world, a world of bliss, and calm, a world of meaning, and submergence in all that is Good.
so it is a secret
the spray of a chanel no 5 - a powerful secret only I know about
the golden liquid the link between I and my grandmother... another secret in my heart

(waiting to be beautiful, elegant, intoxicating, and secretive)... to be continued

she dreamt of a devil...

where is this road im so desperate to walk on
never quitting to find ...but the severity slopes
is it a high road? a long road? a wide road? or a road that doesnt exist?
im looking for the road where i am happy, sure of myself, proud, strong, innocent, pure, kind
yes on wither side there are flowers and plants and high trees covering me from wrong existence or worse.. useless time
this road has meaning - the one im searching for
has smooth black surfaces with clear directions where to go
stop signs to pray on time and hotel signs to sleep right and eat healthy
it has all the right speeds and all the right directions to take you exactly where you want to go
which is heaven
yes I want to go to heaven
looking for the road to take me
since im certain im certainly not on the right track
she dreamt her daughter and she saw a devil
my mind leaks to a scarier image..
I am the .. one they fear

not being dramatic but my mind asks the questions
have my actions been any less than a devils drive?
have they been any better than a devils promise?
what am i? but the follower of something tragic
 the details of something pathetic
I must be better
have things that others dont have
i must talk about being better
and act about being better
never genuine about being better

god its sooooo strange
how beautiful a woman I was just a short while ago
a second ago, a year ago
memories of robbers, of drunks, and of possible bombers!

but there were also memories of yaseen every morning before the train
the olympics being on and the queen coming to visit... and I forgetting the fireworks and just praying to Allah
he was my fireworks

was it all about nothing?
was it just a dream?
can I really not be a good person if Im not in the place im not in?

must I always be waiting for a different place
to achieve the truth?
I wonder how close that devil is to me?
that she saw in her dreaM?
sometimes I think it was mine and got bored of me
went to play with the minds of others

for I feel so held back
so lost
so tormented by inability to achieve
to love Allah the right way
to be comfortable with who i am
to adore what i have achieved
and to pray to acheive better
to be content with what i have
to want more only on what is on the road to heaven
want more of prayer, tasbeeh, love, honesty, patience, study, honour and

I have lost the touch of sensuality
that woman praying so beautifully in a UK star night
from a small apartment
and the Queen so near...
that girl ...
is burning into ash


Thursday, November 21, 2013

they say angels are around her ,,,

feeling like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, could it be? my wings are just about done?
havnt been up this early for a long time , and suddenly the power of 5.42 Fajr azans sweetly push me out of oppression. i am no longer the woman I used to know. I am powerful and strong, energised and young.the Light gets brighter every minute as the blackness in my heart dissolves.
it really is coming back to me, how i used to be, or wiser... what i really am... better
scambled egg with melting madafara I am new and  still as I open up my heart this morning. 
Life has meaning 
i no longer want to be lonely , and I know being lonely can be even if your surrounded by everyone
running away from myself is what Ive been doing
I need to be kinder or I will never be happier, beginning with myself
and as the city wakes up I wake up too , from a long long sleep
put my feet together today 
she tells me - that fast dancing has ruined yoU!
maybe shes right 
maybe all ive done has ruined me and left me cracked
I knew dancing was the most beautiful option and now learning has brought me forwards a deep way
I learn how to put my feet together , how to be soft, how to be queit and yet powerful at the same time, how to be in control,  how to be extravagant without being quick - no that is not the secret
and as I slowly feel transformed into listening to the rhythm , something else connects
like a plug that has been disconnected
I dont want to hate myself anymore
I dont want to be at war
or confusion and I Dont want to waste any more time
or tears
 Today is a day without denial and with every cell of identity
I love myself today , not going to ridicule, prevent, avoid, or forbid myself today 
am going to enjoy, respect, lavish, and secure myself today 
and everyday inshallah 

all in the right time 
no more denial 
no more obstruction of yesterday into now
no more pain
no more fear
no more instability of crude emotion
no more sadness
no more descriptions of madness

just me 
what  I am , not what I want to be
what I See, not what  I want to see
what I want from Life to me, not what life takes from me 
how faith sets me free, not how I give my life away for free
just me 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Marylin in Hope (5)

Pretty Lady
her eyes dance with flavor
and her skin melts with pain
I wonder have I taken my life in vain
all those young heartbeats 
 just cruising in the mess
I dont know why im not up to the test
of time.... 
Sweet Lady
what are you thinking of?
and what do you want?
why do you imagine a woman so heavy
with nothing
and why can you never feel that burning woman
inside you
you always write waiting
just waiting
just dying to come out
as if one day you find the key
and open and let her out
the woman inside you
I know
but have you ever considered
the door is open
and the key has already done its job
and that girl is still inside
but not yet free


Saturday, November 16, 2013

Belated Happy new year

Belated congratulations
Belated promises and tries
nearly 2 weeks now I should have placed this on my heart
before my blog
but forgot
and further fell
deeper in last year and a new empty one

cleaning out my desktop
should I trash it?
is it too late to post it
and think about it
and do with it
like  a new piece of clothes
or a new ring
wearing it sexily and honestly
doing everything
bravely and couragously
even if theres mud on the road

should I post it and try again?
even if IM LATE
im always late
 but should I post it
like the message im posting on my heart

never give up.....
on Allah
or on yourself
or in your good soul
and your healthy mind
and your confident beautiful kind sexy and wonderful heart


repeat or first episode?

Pink, Gold, , Multi and Red
Beautifully meant
wanna be like a flower
wanna be like a geisha
wanna be like a disco
wanna be like a classic

Sudanese woman
 A European standard
An oriental tradition
A heart mending thing

Wanna be simple
elegant and good

yes wanna be good
I can be

wanna be the merge of my own combination
and this secretive explanation
wanna be a seductive melting of whispers and explosions

Gold, Black, Silver and Gold
wanna be different

wanna silence all those days I was alone
and wanna welcome all those days i wont be

so now tell me .... will you repeat the same mistake twice? and twice plus a million times?

Try for the last time 2

Theres a woman inside me gonna break free
its about time the prisoner was set free
theres a hope within me dying to be right
but been living without truth and unable to fight
or is it didnt want to fight
been feeding devils and wondered why so hungry
been providing for them and wondered why so busy
without product
felt like a by product
of surrender
couldnt feel myself, my hopes and my dreams
all in a shadow behind their cloud of black
covering me and tangling me till I couldnt see the track

There s a woman inside me gonna show the world
my world it can be better and it will be better
and its always been better
and ..lighter

except now
lighter from sin
from lack of effort and
from fear
lighter from fear
and lighter from a heavy soul

for im tired of carrying all this weight in my soul
unalbe to let it shine
unable to let it gleam
unable to let it drive me into existence

all this time been waiting int he heat for the gates to open to a day I can see on the other side
but never seem to get a visa stamped to get htere
and it doesnt mattter what passport i have
or what imagination i own
i never fill the application right
and so i just stand while others pull up and pull through
and on the way I ask
oh how did you do it!
I never listen to their answer
I always wander at how whatever their answer is I could have done it but never did

theres a woman inside me
gonna try again
try again for the last time and the right time


Friday, November 15, 2013

insane without God

sick of saying the same thing
and never meaning anything
sick of being someone I dont want to be
looking at the same old me
useless and confused
and unable to remember like my brains been abused
sick of feeling like a tormented crowded soul
in my own land i have lost battle of control
sick of waking up each and everyday
as if theres nothing more today
just the same big cracks
and the exact same tastes
and the identical hastes to time
sick of bleeding all my self
and becoming someone Im allergic to
and have no connection to
and have no relation to at all

yes Im living with myself and dont know
anything about
am sharing the same soul and dont know
what time it comes in at night
and what its doing
no I have no clue and its all behind my back
a secretive clever attack... really

sick of the woman ive become
a tarnished thing just gone
nowhere can I feel, see, hear , or understand who I am
sick of the blunt body I have
and the sharp eyes that scrape
and the irritation inside me
that breaks... shadows into two
and reflections into 4
each one driven to a direction
as far away from the centre as possible

sick of the stretch of time im in
always leaving things without an end
just stupid enough to think ill blend
behind someone theyll let me in

and until then Ill be gutting out my words against
them all
for im the best and they all fall

and the monster inside me will point and laugh
ha! im the best one around and your all just a draft
of a devils catch

but the truth is im the devils fish
for dinner
smelling rotten but herbed with garlic and thyme
and ill be eaten like a beautiful rhyme
flavoured into insanity
for insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results

and so I must be insane

sick of being insane............

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I dont know why?

I don't know why you wanna throw your life away breaking it in pieces like it didn't mean anything
just a piece of glass you didn't want
crash! and clean it all away like it was never there
I don't know why you think your life is worthless like a piece of garbage you live it
defend-lessly and cheaply it wasn't there - like it didn't live with you and help you
like it didn't save you or make you
a girl of wonder
just a life... just something you can forget about it
like its just there
a priceless entity that you own but don't want
and so you cry....
and so you try die a million times each night
and so you live without passion
and so you pretend

hit . hit it all out.

paying money to be hit
I think maybe this is the way out
but then as usual I ruin it by
my ego and hard core feelings
oh no one knows anything but me
... i just hate how I think sometimes
sometimes Im large and confident
and sometimes Im small and stupid
and now Im the latter

missing that strong woman inside me
that put a steel hand and stopped the world
now im like butter feeling it around me choking and melting all at once
cant breathe out of my sins
and cant smell but dirt and fascist lies
a woman within is not the same in her outer ring
just a band of ... trauma
and now Im sad

cuz im becoming 2 persons
the one ive always dreamed to be
and the one I want to deny
a monster hope
filed with old rgrets and new guilt
everyday something new
to ponder in its blackness
sucking me to where i dont want to go


and suddenly

the beat of the drum deafens the devil inside me and wakes up my aching soul

to be continued....

Monday, November 4, 2013

Tommorow the new year

Sort of like a hidden contest that I could win
a secretive door that  Icould open
that nobody knows but me
for suddenly instead of being given one chance to try again I have another chance
its funny how when you think that its 2013 but its reall 1435
and that means that we really are in the old ages
we are the ancestors and we are the ones to be written in history
we are history
when its 2013 in true time and true date
where will muslims be?
where will Sudan be?
where will I  be?

all very hard questions
all questions I cannot answer
all giving me an image that really there is nothing more important but to remember faith and God

so why then have you stopped raising the alarm? and why have you stopped waking up
its not that early you know
I hope God makes it happy and I make it worthwhile


Saturday, November 2, 2013

Gold or Dust?

Imagine if you had the keys to open your mind 
and portal through extravagant  flavours of everything
you could ever imagine just be anyone you want to be
imagine if you could breathe the air to make you healthy
and live every cell understanding why youre here 
and living for a pure and honest reason
to lvoe God and to make him happy
imagine if goals were simple and truth was wonderful
imagine if you could honour your body and obey your freedom
be who you want 
imagine if you never had to think about regrets or guilt or wasted time
time would lying on the floor from your energetic battle , you the sword in your hand
imagine if all your time was like Gold
each second u used wisely turned to gold
each one you wasted 
turned to dust?
how much Gold or dust would you have?

your advice

Live pure

How close are you?

Dark suggestions seriously surround me and demand from me - the loss of a woman centred on faith
Now having lost my fulcrum i become aggressive and pointless
trying to prove a point
and yet....I am better than this

yesterday even though I wasnt flying I remembered the power of travelling and Living amongst heather
somewhere there lives a woman sweet with brown hair and has a lovely kitchen yet shes young - would never think like I do or fight like I do or shout like i do or ...break like I do

 I remember the lovely colours in shops and how my life is originally

closer to being a good woman than it is to being a terrible one
I am a good woman

and yet I look at my actions and I see a just pieces of an uncollected traveller  screaming about pointless things and living a life so so so worth living
almost like its too good a life for me and so the devil tells me you dont deserve
and  I believe
to look at others with interest and even the simplest things become extravagant in others

I forget god is close to me
life is close health time effort youth modernity education
me, the hope that knows about things and God gave her a chance to always be free

yet she choose to lock her self up like a stroke - feeling paralysed and unable to speak freely or move...

isnt it the same>
? youre acting like youve been given illness

instead of love freedom , wisdom, chance
oh God soo much chance

dance, colour, time, education, love, travel, family, beauty, and most importantly
to choose who you can be

,... God chose to be close to you , closer than your jugular vein
why do you choose to be farther than the farthest country from you to him now?

well.. .Hope the solution is 

in you and your good memories and to bring back your good faith, and good words, good behaviour and good motivation, good strength and your goodtime
use your time wisely and let your life mean something
let it be something
hold it and dont let it hold you
hold yourself and dont let other s hold you
be strong even though that may mean you have to be weak
be wise
never give up
ever ..........

1435 and a modern thought

Now ...2 or 3 days,,,
Less now - so how about it - ANOTHER chance that God has given you
and itsa bittersweet chance
a secretive jewel
a hidden clock with more time found
a sweet sweet with no calories
a delicious chocolate when you reach that day
just imagine the perfect timing
a present today that you never imagined would come

a new year is coming at a new beginning and a last chance
so how about you get up from the rubble of yesterday and spider solitaire
and walk to the shower believing that you can come out clean by just one healthy prayer
and start dancing your mess away until you carve all your unintentional and blind sighted dark substitutions with fate
and start reminiscing of a Hope that was one a memory like a horse and wants a future like a peacock
velvety rare nature and king personality

This November is to remember ..what an only chance really means

If you remember that November is your only chance,,, and its a beautiful chance
one filled with Glitter and Dance
so Dance into your dreams and stop watching them from afar
I know you can, but  I want you to show me that you will
dont let the month chase you
and catch
its golden moment
and sparkling days
This November ..let each day mean something
and hold something
and say something
and when there is a highlight day , like next thursday
then you also be a highlight
be the spotlight and not the dark spot in the corner

remember how strong you are
and confident you are
and sweet you are
remember how faithful you are

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -