Thursday, November 21, 2013

they say angels are around her ,,,

feeling like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, could it be? my wings are just about done?
havnt been up this early for a long time , and suddenly the power of 5.42 Fajr azans sweetly push me out of oppression. i am no longer the woman I used to know. I am powerful and strong, energised and young.the Light gets brighter every minute as the blackness in my heart dissolves.
it really is coming back to me, how i used to be, or wiser... what i really am... better
scambled egg with melting madafara I am new and  still as I open up my heart this morning. 
Life has meaning 
i no longer want to be lonely , and I know being lonely can be even if your surrounded by everyone
running away from myself is what Ive been doing
I need to be kinder or I will never be happier, beginning with myself
and as the city wakes up I wake up too , from a long long sleep
put my feet together today 
she tells me - that fast dancing has ruined yoU!
maybe shes right 
maybe all ive done has ruined me and left me cracked
I knew dancing was the most beautiful option and now learning has brought me forwards a deep way
I learn how to put my feet together , how to be soft, how to be queit and yet powerful at the same time, how to be in control,  how to be extravagant without being quick - no that is not the secret
and as I slowly feel transformed into listening to the rhythm , something else connects
like a plug that has been disconnected
I dont want to hate myself anymore
I dont want to be at war
or confusion and I Dont want to waste any more time
or tears
 Today is a day without denial and with every cell of identity
I love myself today , not going to ridicule, prevent, avoid, or forbid myself today 
am going to enjoy, respect, lavish, and secure myself today 
and everyday inshallah 

all in the right time 
no more denial 
no more obstruction of yesterday into now
no more pain
no more fear
no more instability of crude emotion
no more sadness
no more descriptions of madness


just me 
what  I am , not what I want to be
what I See, not what  I want to see
what I want from Life to me, not what life takes from me 
how faith sets me free, not how I give my life away for free
just me 

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -