Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Undisposable Dreams 4 before 3

 Love ............without boundaries
she waits for him , fear  running
he breaks boundaries to be with her, fear nothing

i hear of a love that has no boundaries better than any moment any breath and life
better than any movie any book any dream
better than any thing Ive seen
I hear of a love where lovers put their life ofr each other just to be with each other
I hear of a love that stretches through the land and the  sky and cameras to show me to teach me what love is all about
I watch their eyes , their respect their need and want their want their desire
I watch their love grow
I feel so happy to see love so beauitful still happen today
it makes my heart smile to see love break free like so
for love to bend through all chains
to fly through all closures
to reach her heart
to reach her............

I find my eyes tearing for love should be simple should be true should be impatient yet mature
should be worthwhile
not organised, not boring not meaningless
two people should come together and you should see the connection merge, surge
I find my eyes tearing for I understand
what it is I am looking for..................
Dear God.......Please help me dream right and feel right and be right

Monday, September 26, 2011

اتمني Echoes in my Mind _arabic

اتمنى حب عظيم
حب قضيم في انتظار المستقبل
حب جديد لا ينسى الماضي
يشبه الموج عندما يقع علي اطراف الشاطئ
يشبه الهواء عندما يجري على شارع الصباح
يشبه الرقص عند منطصف الليل

Prayer for the start of a new life....

I pray for a new day
Filled with forgiveness and a happymind
strength and motivation
I pray for love in all aspects of my life
I pray for cleanliness in mind and body
I pray for transport into a new place
filled with success
I pray for power and Gods protection over me

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Revolution against Soul_ Introduction

Revolution against Soul 2_ Loving oneself

Revolution against Soul 3 _ Envy

THis video talks about envy - it really makes you think are you envious ? have I felt that feeling before? if so how do I prevent it and how do I stop it

Revolution Against soul 4 _ Stinginess البخل

I love how this show is filmed -
New / Passionate/ Documenay style / Has lots of meaning
I really enjoy how he reads a part of the quran at the start
I also love the title of the show as I have a revolution against my own soul in all diferent ways this year
This year I revolutionise......against my soul

Sitoot Endings

Sitoot End
I hope God accept
even though I didn't come first
But i hope god prevents
my goodness from dying
and I hope God cleans
my slate clean like in Ramadan
and I hope God reminds me always
of the strength inside me and the love towards Life that I have
I hope God forgives me 
from sins in the past present future
I hope God saves me from rumours
one i make and ones I create
i hope God takes all my fears
and replaces them with patience
i hope God helps me succeed in all I do
 I hope God gives me what I dream
for if he gives it to me 
It can happen in the fastest of days
I hope God changes me for the better
I hope God changes me for my family and myself
to do well
I hope God shows me better
I hope God shows me better people
I hope God shows me the better in me

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Starting again_ what is it that you truly want ?

I must be clear about this Question and when I know the answers I must be clear about them too - their is no fooling about anymore - I asked myself on the bus/the underground/ all the way home
What is it that I truly want? why did I do this or that ? why am I doing this now or in the future ?
No answers - Just mess

The answers are not all ready still  but one for Sure is
I truly want to be faithful to God -


Starting Again_ Reading and Learning Quran

Read Quran......Like it's Ramadan - Remember the Strength Hope and Beautiful recitations
Remeber the reason you read and the promises about learning it - Don't forget this promise no matter what for Quran is the medicine and rope you need to hold on to

Starting Again_No Bread

 It's time to make new promises
In all aspects of my life
It's time to show God I've really changes this Ramadan

I will start in the weight department by cutting out bread - 

Nas Khalti.....1

i have an aunt and her family who I love so dearly  - They are perfect in their life - their faith their strength as one their beauty kindness purity - yes this is it their purity - khalti reminds me of a past so precious - a present that needs her warmth and kind heart and a future that I fear without her - I wish I could learn from her be like her in all she does - her food / her style her home / her furniture / her patience/ her everything - and so I will write about them / create stories inspired by them anything to strengthen life in me once more

the warmth of their home an be felt countires away - in my heart I beg to go visit them each and everyday - their purity innocence - good deeds -
I smile all the way to them - the door opens they greet me with love good intentions genorosity everything is where it should be
their are angels in the house I can feel it all around me safety good things - happy things - I love sitting with them - being with them - eating with them - their food is breathtaking simplicity with complicated tradition they hold on to the key of life - their history their relatives who have gone but still their sayings imposed in nas khaltis actions - I try and imagine how to be like them - I love their design their kitchen - their way of talking thinking - their clothes their close calls with fate and sadness in the past but their ability to never give in - their undying faith maybe it is this that holds me - for I know I know they are stronger wiser better cleaner and hence happier than me - I love being with them miss being with them - want to copy them in everything - they are so elegant , passionate about good taste and good words - i love their children - oh how I can see my dream in  them for this is all I ever want - a happy strong beautiful home with beautiful family and children - yes...... I see my dreams in them - I see who  i want to be in them - I love everything they do  - I pray they will always be happy and give me all this joy faith and tranquility when I go to them think of them - nas khalti - the ones who are like a rare flower a rare commodity - a unique inspiration - a strong combination of how roots and future should combine of how love and family should be of how happiness comes - of how I am too stupid to see this in me............... Please ya Allah give me a second chance to be like nas Khalti.....

Finding Good

It..... breaks my heart to see myself die like this
feel like this... suddenly erase all I did in Ramadan
.......... Ramadan was the purest with all the sweetest of intentions 
like a new scent into my life I promised begged and pleaded myself for a new life 
and here I am now one month one - a total failure
bad words about people
impatience killing me 
unclean thoughts and a useless memory
forgotten goodnesses & ungrateful person
I am......
in hatred - a viscious cycle of torn beads and scents of rot
am I rotting? into another year of this black expansion
or am I still strong am I still able and will never be disabled by the devil
I may lose a million battles but I will never lose the war
deep down I know I am a good person I know what my faith means to me I know what love means to me 
passion marriage falling in love I may think wrong I may be immature but I know if it came down to the day... I am ready - I will not fall into this trap - sadness sadness sadness and suddenly its december - feel good for a while then sadness sadness sadness suddenly its my birthday - feel good for a while sadness sadness sadness suddenly they will say next ramadan is here - this year I want to tighten that rope between the two ramadans forever and ever - this year is different - I have discovered I am still too weak to get rid of sin completely but I understand why - I however I am very strong in reading quran, praying to God, hoping for a better way-  but this year my strategies are different my plots & deviations my explosions will not be to destroy me but to destroy the devil and correct my soul - yes I will smell good I will look good I will feel good I will be good I will be hope filled with hope filled with good space good memories good emotions good moments good times good future I am good and so I will find a good future - Inshallah

when I close my eyes 1

it's nearly dawn
I stand still leaning on a balcony post watching light come
satin touches gently
the warmth of steam from freshly made tea
and I stand still 
thinking of all things that have happened
what has brought me here
looking and feeling beautiful
the house is queit 
but in a couple of hours the house will be breaking with sound
relatives things smells music
in a few hours the sun will come out completely and I will go to a new day 
but it wont be like everyday 
it will be a dream day
a day filled with dreams coming true
I think
is today the last day?
or the first day?
I think
if I close my eyes will I be brought back to now or somewhere else 
I think 
what are those birds chirping
I think
I love the cool african wind against my skin
its only a moment of a crisp awakening you get the coolness unbattled by heat
I think
today is not like everyday
I am beautiful today
wanted today
today is my day
everyone is thinking of me 
and I am thinking of him
and I am thinking of how I got here 
and i am thinking of the suns capacity to fill the world
do I have the ability to fill his world?
today everthing is different
it really is the first day of my life
my eyes
my eyes promise me a new vision
my heart promises me a new love
my soul promises me a new forgiveness
my body promises me to look beautiful
my strength promises to never falter
my eyes watch the sun getting higher and higher into the sky
my eyes
the ones I'm using now to see that sun
but in an other timeline
my eyes 
the ones that are watching today what I wish they could see tomorrow

Missing Sudan 1

Yesterday was a forgotten day
It began in Africa bleeding guilt in my heart
the hours early and dark
asking me for a reason why I forgot
that it was be treated with such betrayal
that another life was here in the desert of silent questions
erupting into dawns of suprise and delicacy
waiting to be discovered....treasured....measured with their true weight
Of Gold
But I couldnt see shine
 eyes of a torrent fake sad unhappy woman
footsteps breaking the earth so heavy with regret
and crying for another
another getaway from my rotten choices
But extensive Africa did not want me
As I walked out into the fallen sky 
Africa said goodbye
and my soul broke in half
broken lovers seperating their past
for I did not deserve all this beauty this ecstatic heat 
this passionate encounter with natural love
and big streets opening journeys into new ways
I wish I could have just turned around to stay
but everything was my fault
so with tormenting steps I flew away

No more hope in my soul
I wish I was back home
but I mistreated all the people, all good days turned sour
churned by hands of a coward
like a terrible lover I lied I cheated I abused
I broke promises
I spoke wrong
I miscalculated
I became the enemy of a land that needed me and I needed it
I became the traitor of a vast history that needed my future not my open sutures
of a fearful, unmotivated, untrustworthy woman
I died in the eyes of my only maker
my african sunsets and sunrises blackened
my balcony dreams cut
my afternoon teas spilt and cold
on my beautiful family
the ones that I can trust
the ones I don't deserve to have 
just like I dont deserve the sweetness of an african home
or the hands of an african warmth

Friday, September 9, 2011

Dawn into a new day

Dawn into a new day
where i have a lot to say
but allin a different way

Dawn into a new woman
where I am no longer broken

Dawn of a new Hope
where I am not choked
by fakeness

Dawn of a Beautiful lady
no longer shady with doubt

Dawn of a commited girl
looking for the ultimate pearl
a faith worn proudly
and a faith worn cleanly
anda faith worn soundly
forever ..............

Sitoot Middles

in the middle of my heart there is a breath that begs for more
amidst the desert of unknown flavours and fearful times
I ask for more
in the middle of my heart there is a sweet time of morning and recitation when I cannot sleep and I cannot feel but song flowing in the wind flowing in my mind flowing in freedom flowing to tommorow from forever
in the middle of my heart I close my eyes and take a breath to survive
of language that ryhmes, language that means , language that is alive
in the middle of my breath my heart desires to be light , to be motionless, yet powerless for more
In the middle of today I think of tommorow remembering the past thinking - these voices are my interchange to heaven these beautiful words are my only hope - the secret of an african queen - staring into the skies dreaming of a place elsewhere with passion and love - through twists of sky and cold of dawn - amidst the breaking ice and the earth's vastness - she dreams of a place filled with all her dreams - maybe new ones maybe forgotten ones maybe real ones - maybe even not her own ones but the ones of a beautiful Muslim girl.
through my eyes I imagine a sight amazing - I imagine a man in love...with me, I imagine horses racing to their enemies , their breaths violent with gods strength their eyes glowing with triumph their holders wanting nothing but to pass this religion onto us - onto me - A long time ago but I imagine it yesterday  a long time ago but I imagine the reflection is only a moment away a long time ag but I imagine was I there?

I imagine their love and power,  their meaning their hope their words their laughs or maybe their seriousness - their life - their deaths
I imagine their families, their reason and their heaven
in the middle of my heart their is a growing place filled with sorrow for my wasted past and my weakensses their is a place for my undying love for my faith and a fear that no one will understand me
how far am I from beauty?
how near am I to love?
in them middle of my heart there is a bliss of not knowing yet a fear of being the one left out
It is not what God has in plan for me that I am afraid of it is what my own disaster can hold for me
what my own sickness can make me feel and what my own blackness can delete
SO in the middle of my heart I beg and beg for white to draw on all my heart - for change and continuity ----------forever

Monday, September 5, 2011

Sutoot beginnings

Cant begin Sutoot

They say you can fast 6 days is to 365 days
 Isay it is so hard
they say ' lets mae it harder for her by making her want to fast and want the gift of days but let her not do it at all
each morning we will stop her fasting diong what is so easy and pure
I say its time for the devil to leave me alone
I say Its time to begin suttot and continue on the journey of return to paradise and good life
I say its time to do al lfor god
I say its time to never give in
get young
get free
get happy
I say do what you want
be who you want
live how you want under the sun of gods shine
I say be happy for their is no more time to be sad

just one week from Ramadan

I am in a much smaller room but a much wider meaning
a much bigger heart in a strange capacity
I'm so tired yet feel fulfilled
my feet ache I'm so sleepy but cannot sleep

I hear planes outside
the sound of the city
queit mixed with attitude
my mind is jolted into tommorrow
the present has  run by so fast
I can still remember the first day
of anything

and here i am .....lost but under control
I thank you God for all you have done and the thoughts you hav given me
only one week from  Ramadan and its feels a year
so different life is from the beautiful time awway from the bad and ugly in this world

so i promise to keep my wolrd beautiful
Ya Rab I am here for you
help me protect what is yours and you have offered me
protect me ya rab first from me then from others Ya Rab

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -