Friday, October 24, 2008

In his arms

What hurts me isn’t just that he betrayed me, lied and deceived me. What hurts me is how when I look into his eyes all is feel is how I can’t live with without him, how I still love him. It’s like all my anger towards him is really towards me for feeling this way, for feeling that I need him. Suddenly, I could slap him like I'm slapping me and shout and cry like I'm hating me, not him. How could he do this to me and I still want him to hold me with his warm eyes that I learned of by heart and his beautiful skin that makes me melt when we start.

I break the glass and throw away all the pictures to remind me to forget to force me not to regret this new day without him. But the pain only gets worse, the tears never stop and the anger never subsides. My night is way too dark to survive. I have no answers for the thousands of questions shattering my head. All those questions erupt into my soul, the hurt is burning me.
I break my own heart with what I'm doing. I want to understand why he did it. Deep down hoping for an excuse I can understand but the surface of me skims that thought away, I could never understand. All his tears, how he begged on his knees, how he so sorely feels, I could never understand. I hate the part of me that even thinks of thinking of giving him a chance to explain, THAT is what makes me really suffer. How could even a molecule of me want him back?

I can’t fall asleep, I can’t eat, I can’t speak, I am weak but I decide to work and walk into the steps ahead which will lead me into days and years without him. As I work memories try to invade new space I create and as I evaluate, his face evaluates me back into the reality of this sleepless tragedy. I drop the pen and turn off my laptop. I feel like I'm suffocating. This isn’t working, I’ve tried and I'm still remembering, caring. I have to find a solution.

Outside in the air, in the wind, I walk out slowly; it’s going to get me anyway. All the noise and people and madness, I feel like I have to surrender to them all. I feel lonely and broken but mostly I feel so tired, like I want to lay my head for a million years, so I surrender to everything, to everyone – Including me and I let -

I let the sky intimidate me and the roads occupy me
I let my body control me and my mind invade me
I let my tears engulf me and my heart opens me
I let my soul kill me and times pass me
I let that night take over me, all the scenes enroll in me and the memories control me
I let his lies come into motion and the accuracy of his betrayal fill with creation
As I breathe
I let his actions slay me and my screams replay in me
As I pour
I let all that happened tell me – the REAL story –
I let my love for him a chance to speak and I let his love for me a chance to leak –
I let my pain hurt and my anger blurt

Me, myself and I
As my clasps break and clang open all I can hear is the calamity of that night as he held my arm to try and explain but I ran out in such pain, then a new voice rises with strain with one simple message –
You want to forgive him.

You want to forgive him but you feel silly and stupid doing so, you want to forgive him but you are afraid he will hurt you again, you want to forgive him but you don’t want to be wrong. You want to forgive him so bad because you miss him and love him, need him and want him. And you want to forgive him because you believe he is hurting too.
His regret for his mistake is not - fake

I feel love for him coming back alive and I feel that even though this mistake is really hard to forgive, it’s still only a mistake.

I want to forgive him
One tear hits the ground and joins eternal freedom. All the rest of my tears now escape my prison of confusion. They cry, I cry, into clearness. As I find myself where I belong, or where I need to be strong – in his arms.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Devil's Love...Look who is eating with you, invite us... اعزمونا معاكم

This series is so interesting, educational and most of all intimidating to the heart and mind of what a devils love really is - wicked and evil - and falling to our weakness and bad intentions are only the beginning of a losing desperate road if we ever do fall in love with a devils love -
Nothing makes us feel more helpless, and so torn apart, broken down and lost than listening to the devil-
Nothing is more harder than fighting the temptation to give in to whatever seems so reasonable and lustful at the time - but deep in our goodness we know its a powerful lie, defeat of a challenge - and nothing is less attractive than a quitter
This battle we should never give in to- to win ourselves and not let this fake devils love win us over temporarily and we need to prove to ourselves the meaning and loyalty that we hold internally, and keep our souls strong and clean for God to see.

I was really moved by this series called - abaleeso and I hope it will be a striking truth for young people to learn from (THIS IDEA AND THE REST OF THEM) -

Saturday, October 18, 2008


Dreams are unique pearls existing in the mind

Glistening in the sun of hope and escaping the night of fear

But once the nature of reality bounces its crime forwards

The dreams spill and crash shattering to the ground

Now only a past of reminiscence
Now only a dream of a dream

Secrets - The Bad

When you keep a secret – Molecules of the word wrap themselves subtly around your breaths until you are choked with silence, until u can no longer breathe life. Your energy wasted into the dampness of this dark hidden tumor in your soul – all your reality minimized to control a vast black fantasy into staying dead when it is growing more alive with your pain – only multiplying as you pour tears of rain –over your land that expands with these weeds.

When you keep a secret – The power house of your mind clogs up with the turmoil of broken down thoughts flying at high speeds – unsure of how to settle in the wilderness of your unsettlement - rapid tornados destroy your peace – as secrets make your inner weather a passive destruction.

When you keep a secret - time goes slowly seconds are held back with regrets and pressure – very cold, the ticks start to freeze, leaving you paralyzed in space, unable but to descend darker into the inability to speak and the ability to stay weak.

When you keep a secret – moments become hours and happiness is a treasure lost. Ideas swamp your tired head
Devastating heart wars start to tread
Until u are bled out of relaxation
Until you are fled from your warm stations
Where you once understood departure and arrival of memories and you always caught the transport to reach your destination on time – and even if you were late you still made it in time for a good fate –

When you keep a secret – contact with the outside world is cut off… an alien in your body, an intruder of your private mind – the secrets have an addictive effect to beg for further solitude – for further alliance with silence – gnawing on the raw nourishment of your strength and your sanity, your available existence is getting truncated as secrets damage the health of getting help – grow on the expense of replicating without cause except to hurt sense, mess with skills of defense, and turn your emotions and devotions into a tense underground of cracking stability.
Cells trying to wake you
Are afraid for you
They know you
Have been there for you
Since before you kept the secret that threatens their survival.
They see the before and after picture
Raging with sorrow that still tomorrow, you are not hesitant about telling someone – ESCPECIALLY YOURSELF that this secret torture HAS TO END -

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


We were the best of friends time ever saw

But when we grew up we didn’t know what to do

And time easily parted us and out friendship flew

People thought everything was off as they saw

But inside our hearts our friendship only grew

Amazing that you loved me and I never knew

Because for me you were a friend that I never hided from, only showed

If you insisted to be my love I would have only left you

And anything else would kill me because I can't live with without you

So lets be friends as we used to
And tell our secrets as we used to


Who’s going to understand better than I am?
Who’s going to shatter all your dreams away?
Why do you not trust me to care about you forever?
Why do you feel that I’m hiding things all the time?
When will you expirement with falling in love completely?
How will you discover that I will forget your needs?
Why are you scared that I will clumsily forget you?
Can you not just give me a chance?
To prove to you that I will hurt all your romance
That all I did, I did for you
To give you an opportunity to see true love’s blues
I kidnapped your choices and twiddled them with my path
I didn’t mean to overpower you with the betrayal wrath
Obviously I meant to ask for your forgiveness and be so good to you
In the name of our love and our past, what I did was wrong
Please help me to change, can you not understand?
It was just a game to test our enchanting strands
Of time that we spent and meanings that we meant
I won’t be a monster to our fantasies content
I won’t be the control that destroys our partnership
You’re not going to stop protecting me, right?
You’re not going to give up the fight, right?
I promise I’m sorry and I’ll stay up all night
Watching you sleep silently in the storm
Until you don’t have a choice but to commit till we fall
Stay put, until it’s all – CREATIVELY GONE

Raining on me

It’s raining outside and my heart is bleached with pain
Corrosive particles fall subtly to wet the ground –
Quietly, all my tears become a harmony of sound –
Outside, I hear the rain on my window pane
Sweet drifts from the sky reminisce on this shelter
Collections dribble dreams away from me
Coldly, they sweeten the roads, the houses, the seas
Millions of pearl drops of rain, together- by one another
Coming to wash away my answers
I am so close to them listening to their gathering
Listening to their pondering
Where will they slip tonight?
How will they reflect the light?
Of my disasters and miracles
My imaginations...Flying to meet the storm
Rain drops creatively paint the glass with a forecast
Artistically draw circles and lines in the atmosphere
I wish they taught me how to be free in expression
How to Live with Life
The weather is shivering today
With memories, fears and problems that are here to stay
I try and understand the wind that is blowing in my territory
Is it change, difference, loss, heartbreak?
Stems grow outwards and upwards in the minerals of my sorrows
Luscious emotions of hurt that will flower tomorrow
Nectar of regret
Time does not help you forget
The rains effects are astounding shadows that connect seconds into moments that whisper hours and wriggle into times – day – time – night – time –
Which time? Is my time?
Freezing with an open window of a broken fate
Pieces absorbed are destiny that’s late
Engulfing my breaths into a forgotten date
The rain supports my troubled debate
Of lies that drive in by the open gate
Lies that burden their weight on my skin, my eyes, my voice
My enclosed escape
My weak room
Like a modern tomb
I am buried inside whirls of rain

Sunday, October 12, 2008


Poetry is prayer

Light dancing inside words

Five times a day

I try to write

Step by step

I move towards the mihrab*

I prepare to recite

What is in my heart

I recite your name


Such a beautiful poem I discovered entitled - Salat (Praying).
The description of praying here makes me want to pray always.
I love the metaphor he uses - linking poetry with praying -
I think this short verse portrays praying in such a delicate intricacy of meaning, a way we need for us muslims to show Islam's true beauty.

*The Mihrab - found in most of the mosques (especially old ones) to indicate the direction of AlQibla, the direction Muslims stand facing while praying.

The Devil - (Part 1)

The devil tries to sustain its nourishment from my underlying walkways and enchanting ideas, magical alleyways of fantasies filled with galaxies of mystical mists of grace and effort running from my soul to my mind, my heart to my eyes, my ears to my touch, my time to my place trying to find out knowledge and education, truth and forgetting devastations, writing and reading, loving and praying, exercising and changing -----
perfection into me.

I create all I feel from emotions and vast wilderness into the beauty of familialarity. Seeking hope from corners of reality and breathing dreams of treasures… this is me. Very beautiful, I try and protect all my gold and silver of important strength. I collected all my needs from years of hard work and trying. Almost centuries of dedication ----- to unravel the conquests of my ancestors and let roll their genes into mine. As I eat, sleep and wonder, I unfold all my abilities into this world… my room. I lead all my silences into critical words and I see all my hardships as beautiful tasks… easy twisted layers I can break down.

How then, is this not all food for the hungry devil?

Its jaws piercing the normality, I bleed madness out of my sweet veins. Hard work seeps out in an instant, I am hurt, damaged, ---- down. As the devils flesh swells with love for free kisses of my humanity and my sanity, tender with love, he heartbreaks all the chances and connecting roads I built. As he infests me with mistakes and riddles of never ending regret I try and be strong, HOLD ON, but I fall in wrong. Images I drew of the future are erased, colors I discovered blacken into centuries of darkness, blotches of tears grow, and erosions of fears accumulate as forgotten sediments in my body. The effects are fatal. Immediately the devils talents replace mine, sucking freedom and invading life ----- like malaria ----- I start to feel chains of angry memory and sorrow, wrapped in a web of failure. No special wings of mine can butterfly me away. My lungs start to fill with deceiving temptations, mutations of diffusions of conniving air, perfusions of explosions of degrading despair, fusions of illusions hard to repair, expulsions of my revolutions that are shattering here and there. I sink deeper and slower into confusion and grievance for my dead time here on earth. Taken the time to make a city of a wonderful personality, only to let it become ruins from the earthquakes of the devils loud THUMP.
I am dented from the heavy lumps
The large clumps
Of dump
The devil has garbaged me into------------
(To be continued)


(Listen to Christina Agueilara's - 'Infatuation' - Track 6, Stripped album)

My soul is lost in your symphony
And we dance to the rhythm of the night
I just can't fight - no hesitation
Pure infatuation with your tender lips as you touch my curved hips
Just made for you
Silence of my love beating so strongly inside me
If you need me – then I can't be anywhere but for you
If you want me then I will be your every desire
If you love me then that is enough for me to live with you forever
My infatuation with you is for eternity
Chemical imbalance you set through me
Blood soars like a flood of romance
My mind becomes breathless as my lungs become useless
Infatuation is my new need
Infatuation is my new bleed
Color that runs to paint lyrics and music that sound of you
You are my infatuation and that is enough to save me
That is enough to make me --------------------- an infatuated woman

The Hijab Pearl - (Part 1)

The young girl danced
Around men she pranced – hypnotizing the magnitude of their fantasies
She was their fire –devoured by her motion
Movements like lotion that melted into a wave of her own passionate symphony
They adjusted precious time to her, later remembering that it only a blur Intertwined moments under her spell, she tasted of heaven but the temptation was hell
Every pupil devouring her luscious curved hips and her tender rouge lips
Silk poisoned black hair and delicate romantic steps so bare
Midnights that blended with morning – she grasped their thoughts hostage, until the following evening.

Creating the rhythm of wonderful despair
Her golden hoops shook around her friction & her wear
Through a disco that flashed a broken dream, only she could feel her scream
Pushing desire against the walls that captivated her mystery
Where it seemed – that beauty was accidentally spilled with tragedy
But admirations were always one phone call away, and jealous eyes were adamant to stay -
Where it felt - that the stage was her servant – serving her life into a stolen beat - Master of defeat

She sways within the twilight nightmare, bleeding an equation that is devastatingly unfair
Bombarded by a stranger deep in her soul, someone knocks loudly determined to call – her mind and heart into a twisted kiss - Of heartbreak and bliss
Body of suffocation – Her lungs tighten to find air to breathe
Rehearsal everyday – when her body plunges into the addiction of this lost show - She dances creatively to her flow –
Sadness Madness

And when she lays her sweet bitter figure to the cracks of the dawn, cracks on her peace, she finds nothing but a shattering girl and a battered lease
Renting her everything to nothing, her sweat mingles with the drama in her heart
Tears crashing like a tsunami on her pillow, emptiness filling spaces in her so hollow
She weeps for her shiny black days that have no cause; she doesn’t want to do this anymore she needs to pause
Turning for an answer all she finds is her swollen dresses of anger, the remains of ugly passion clinging on the fabric like a virus
Glittered pain climbs the wrinkles of her hands; only weaknesses are under her command

Her dreams are a stone home for her misery
She flies through places in time stuffed with clouds of agony
Films taped in her memory, of when this all started and ways it can all stop
How she became the better dancer but only the worst feelings profited in her
How she lost her family but she thought it was for the future
How she threw out her meaning for this horrible dealing
Just when was it all going to stop?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Red Rose of Miracles of the Quran

Picture of Words emphasising the strength of Gods words - and his meanings of truth -

Friday, October 10, 2008

THE EQUATION OF LIFE- Islam is a way of life.



Sunday, October 5, 2008


I would like to end my day with these cute slippers and begin my day with tweety toast!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

A Devils Love_ Bathroom, دخول دورة المياه

This series is so interesting, educational and most of all intimidating to the heart and mind of what a devils love really is - wicked and evil - and falling to our weakness and bad intentions are only the beginning of a losing desperate road if we ever do fall in love with a devils love -
Nothing makes us feel more helpless, and so torn apart, broken down and lost than listening to the devil-
Nothing is more harder than fighting the temptation to give in to whatever seems so reasonable and lustful at the time - but deep in our goodness we know its a powerful lie, defeat of a challenge - and nothing is less attractive than a quitter
This battle we should never give in to- to win ourselves and not let this fake devils love win us over temporarily and we need to prove to ourselves the meaning and loyalty that we hold internally, and keep our souls strong and clean for God to see.

I was really moved by this series called - abaleeso and I hope it will be a striking truth for young people to learn from (THIS IDEA AND THE REST OF THEM) -

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -