Thursday, March 31, 2016

be patient and believe

give your body a break
like how its been through so much and yet it still does
like how you need to relax and think of that heart beating for we are well past
for you need to think bout how lucky you are and how important you are
to ALlah
for you need to remember that although you have your mistakes , you also have your goodness
for its important to love yourself , and believe, challenge and want
dont fear
dont succumb to that gripping terror of brokenness
just let it be
and the days will be ok
the travel will be ok
 the time will work
and the body will change
trust your body
for it has always been your friend
always been there for you
always been kind
its you that was lost , all those times will prove to be the result of your impatience and disbelief
so now
be patient and believe 

the process of believing

How worried can one get
How strong can one be
one minute let me reverse my strength into all this agitation
because am so nervous , it hurts
what if Allah is angry
especially with the little things
with the things i do and the things i don't deserve

this large wonderful gift
that im still trying to come to terms with
but the counting is sore
maybe yes, maybe no

I always make wrong decisions
like when he says your feet are dirty
didnt even think about it
and now its stuck in my mind
why compete ?
there is no point

i just want to be healthy
i want to be strong
but i dont want to be right
i want to be deep and loved
and held well
i dont want everyone to know that
i want to be proud
but i definitely dont want to be arrogant
i am arrogant
i have  devlish component
all i ask that Allah
forgive me
help me
dont dissapoint me although i always dissapoint you
love me although i sometimes forget
have me change for i want to change
dont let me go
dont let me go

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

twins.... i shouldnt have seen

Feeling.... low
Feeling ... high

dont know

Feeling lost

That woman probably saw the new on paris and never thought it would happen to her... or her beautiful twins

I feel so sorry for ... them
for life ,, sore as a bruise

wallahi, nothing to do with religion, or politics, or anything, just a pain of hearing and seeing those twins lose their mother

and the mother lose her plans with them, lose life with them, lose advising them, being their for them, travelling with them, more so losing her personal life with them

for suddenly those twins are famous and im sure she would have been afraid

its hard to ask the question why, there is no answer
but there is the loss of pain , the loss of trouble
the loss of torment and grief that ana and elsa are on their own

almost like a fairytale,., theyll be growing up saying they lost their mother when they were 3
suddenly, it may change them forever, to the best i hope
i hope their father remains strong

i feel like ive lost a dream with them too
i feel like ive learnt of a new sadness i shouldnt have heard
interfered in a life i shouldnt have
touched by a story i shouldnt have learned

those twins... are almost like ..........

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Final solution... Hidden details

You didnt say so i wont ask
I didnt say but you asked
And you asked so i answered
Such strange times
Strange things
And affairs
Such strange everything
Like how i feel the words of others and they dont feel the words of their own
Like how i wouldnt say things like that or would i?
Like how how talking is like a thin knife being held against you
Like how i always feel under test
Like how its sad all the fine details missing
A history
A future untold
People just yearning to succumb to the best
But what is the best? 
Even i dont know
All i know us i want to be the best

work writings_ pits and falls

asking about love
asking about needs
needing love
and needing needs
I ask you Allah that i look to me and that you take care of me
over the skies and under the moon
that you look upon me inside and out and outside and in
judge my sanity and close my wrong doings
break my fall
and dont leave me out to the wolves
Ya Allah
I need your help
in need and in desire
in anguish and in pain
in honesty and in passion
i need your love , i need your help
i need to wish and see
i need to ask and dream
i need to get bigger and bigger
i need to get smaller in wrongs
in mad mistakes
ya Allah be there for me
help me and save me
and surround me with
your excellency and treatment
for you are royal than royal
and happier than anything
i wish that you give me the seed of that happiness and i will water it and look after it
please look over me
please change all of me
please have me with my flaws and failures
please write me into your goodness
please i ask you for your kindness and what i dont have
ya Allah i ask you for what i dont have
for i am a selfish slave
but i could never be selfish other than with you
for i know you can only give and never take
and i know you can only love and never hate

Ya Allah
I am here

Tuesday, March 15, 2016


يا الله
انا طمعانا
في حاجات كثيرة 
مثل الكثير
و مثل الجميل ومثل الثقيل
ومثل المصير الجميل
يا الله انا سمعت قصص حياة ناس صعبين وكمان شفت قصص ناس سعيدين 
مثلي ومثل الاميرة kate
فيا الله انت اعطيتني السعادة و كمان الجمال وكمان العايلة وكمان الوطن وكمان الشطارة التي العب بها مثل العجين ومثل الدراما الفاشلة و مثل الانهيار العصبي 
اتمنا ان تبعد مني الخوف و الالم والفشل والكسل
فان الكسل والفشل اولاد عم 
بس مثل اولاد العم البعيدين الافظع من الغربة والمجرمين
بمثل ما اعطيتني اطلب المذيد م

فانا عبدة غيورة و انانية و اريد من ربي التي اطلب منه الكثير والتي عنده صغير
واطلب منه المذيد مثل ما الصحراء تطلب المطر و مثل ما المريض يطلب الدواء ومثل ما سناء صبرت
ولكن انا لا استطيع الصبر 
فانا عبدة ضعيفة وشكاالة ومثل الطاووس
اطلب منك يا ربي السماح واطلب منك المذيد يا الله اعطني المذيد

Feeling good

Although I ask myself why and why not
how and how not
is there really a need or is there a really a need not
I wonder upon the drama in my mind
those intricate cells of stupidity and woman angst that create a miracle of destruction for trauma, for unnecessary words until people say until the next fight
i dont like that
i dont understand what drives me so angry, so in misery about the next thing
I hate the categories i live by
and i miss the categories i dont know
things like calm and patience and respect
things like holding that anger bubble down
that feeling they talk about when i feel it
that soul that darkens with fury and loses drastic cool
that me
inside me that i dont like and the one inside me that i know about
the one i trust and love and need to create a new me
with intensity
with beautiful fragrance
with understanding and knowledge and good time
I ask myself
where am i
and do i deserve
i do not know
but i know i miss my faith
my asking
my responsibility
my fears
is it my fear or is it my broken down madness
is it my loss or is it my unintentions
is it my understanding or is it my weakness
is it my fear or is it my truth
why am i always afraid
would i feel better if this or that or this or that ?

I do not know

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Take a break

Takin a break
Though a break and from a break
Taking a break with an emptiness that breaks me
And a whisper that shouts at me
And peole that haunt me, even though i dont even know them
Strength is ridicule
Is it really strength? 
Or strong motive
Or just all fake and weakness resides
What is a personality without trust
From within
Trusting myself
Trusting my strength and my judgement
Trusting my dreams and my choices
Trusting my fantasies and my realities
My mind and my heart
Trusting my everything
And being there for me , when no one else can
Torment is beautiful
For you mould your pain into your body and become something new
For pain is the only thing that can alleviate something like strength
And right now
Am in pain
From words
From actions
From loss
From desppair

Thursday, March 3, 2016

being forgotten about ....

Hands that look  guilty
a voice that says all the wrong things
I wonder what these hands have done
I wonder what the voice has said
I wonder about the detail, about the sstrength, the weakness, a random woman that i read about , all over here , and shes all over there, somewhere , locked up in both prison of humanity and mind

I wonder about the muscles that worked and the nailbed that is normal and the ligaments that are not torn and the skin that is not blistered

i wonder about the inside that is tormented and the significance of a crime ... by seemingly perfect hands

all looks well on the outside
all is burned in the inside

my voice

is ecstatic
it is powerful but poignant
it is strong but remorseful
it is seemingly perfect but it is burning in the inside

like hot coal i scream all my feelings
the funny thing is non one gets burnt but me
scorched with deprived understanding by others
and with their silence they make me learn
with their departure the make me think
with their anger at my heat they make me realise
that although I am sad, I am suprised
with their lack of care at my humanity ...i suppose
for i am human
and i am good
and I deserve good things 

and i am bad
but I dont deserve to lose humanity
I find it funny until it hurts, that the one that should lose humanity is just fine
and yet I, the one with all the good connectiions, happy memories, kind memories, kind things ,,,, lose the humanity i shared
Im not sure if i deserve that now
clearly some think so
but i dont think so
for they dont even want to hear me, see me, think about me, or even care

I think i deserve a lesson
maybe a few
but I dont deserve loss
and i certainly dont deserve loss of respect
and i certainly certainly certainly dont deserve to be evil
for i am not ... evil

but then again, 1 rotten apple is all it takes to ruin the whole thin

but i am more good than bad
and i stamp that
with all important stamps in the world
for i dont need someone to remind me
that i am worth loving
and i dont need to remind someone that i am worth thinking of
or I am worth understanding
and even forgiven and that my sins although wrong, are not creative
for with all my badness
i apologised for my actions
but now there is no action but being taken to jail

and being forgotten about

but i refuse
to be forgotten about
particularly by myself
i refuse to be taken aback by my own fears
i refuse to reach a day i do not plan, i do no achieve , i do not relax with success, i do not understand, i do not ask for a better me, i do not become a better person

the ony mistake that i do commit
is being far away from Allah
the beautiful
the kind
the forgiving
the peacefull
yes all the peace i need

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -