Thursday, March 3, 2016

being forgotten about ....

Hands that look  guilty
a voice that says all the wrong things
I wonder what these hands have done
I wonder what the voice has said
I wonder about the detail, about the sstrength, the weakness, a random woman that i read about , all over here , and shes all over there, somewhere , locked up in both prison of humanity and mind

I wonder about the muscles that worked and the nailbed that is normal and the ligaments that are not torn and the skin that is not blistered

i wonder about the inside that is tormented and the significance of a crime ... by seemingly perfect hands

all looks well on the outside
all is burned in the inside

my voice

is ecstatic
it is powerful but poignant
it is strong but remorseful
it is seemingly perfect but it is burning in the inside

like hot coal i scream all my feelings
the funny thing is non one gets burnt but me
scorched with deprived understanding by others
and with their silence they make me learn
with their departure the make me think
with their anger at my heat they make me realise
that although I am sad, I am suprised
with their lack of care at my humanity ...i suppose
for i am human
and i am good
and I deserve good things 

and i am bad
but I dont deserve to lose humanity
I find it funny until it hurts, that the one that should lose humanity is just fine
and yet I, the one with all the good connectiions, happy memories, kind memories, kind things ,,,, lose the humanity i shared
Im not sure if i deserve that now
clearly some think so
but i dont think so
for they dont even want to hear me, see me, think about me, or even care

I think i deserve a lesson
maybe a few
but I dont deserve loss
and i certainly dont deserve loss of respect
and i certainly certainly certainly dont deserve to be evil
for i am not ... evil

but then again, 1 rotten apple is all it takes to ruin the whole thin

but i am more good than bad
and i stamp that
with all important stamps in the world
for i dont need someone to remind me
that i am worth loving
and i dont need to remind someone that i am worth thinking of
or I am worth understanding
and even forgiven and that my sins although wrong, are not creative
for with all my badness
i apologised for my actions
but now there is no action but being taken to jail

and being forgotten about

but i refuse
to be forgotten about
particularly by myself
i refuse to be taken aback by my own fears
i refuse to reach a day i do not plan, i do no achieve , i do not relax with success, i do not understand, i do not ask for a better me, i do not become a better person

the ony mistake that i do commit
is being far away from Allah
the beautiful
the kind
the forgiving
the peacefull
yes all the peace i need

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Peace Beautifully written

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -