Monday, September 30, 2013

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Wanting to be.... free

An empty page waiting to be written on, I am like my country, reaching the bottom of my cause, and no where else to go but somewhere else. Maybe in the denial of loss there is bravery, maybe in the extravagance of misery, there is beauty, maybe in the shadow of sorrow , there is a brighter tomorrow.
Documented pain resides within me, of fears that God is not with me no more and living life raw is tormenting. why would he be with a woman so cruel to this respectable faith? The Quran sits in the waves of sand melting and ages coming and going. There is no way but to challenge my soul. Sitting on the dawns of time but there is not sunset just yet. I plan to write until no end. forever words that mean something here there and across the oceans. Let it mean something. Let my life mean something. Ya Allah. Let it mean something. Plan to be better. In that Ivory scroll, write to be better. write to start again, write to feel again, write to believe again, write to never be let yourself. Write to love, to change, to try, to try harder, to become that woman you've always wanted to be

FIRST: put your mind to it and believe

Not like this...1

thatchers all around
is this whats its like around my heart?
unable to be free I am
because I let wrong by my side
living with me day and nights
and the days and nights become a habit
of fear
unfree I am
because of my own choice
or like the woman said...
death of heart
isnt that what she said
and I am the first to live with
a dead heart
 I ask waht the difference is between an educated beautiful woman
and an outcast lonely perverted man?

somewhere in the impossibility ...there is a tiny common
no perfection in the love of God
life is just...normal
whether right or wrong
iit goes on
without anyone caring so why should you care?
why should you care what GOd thinks of you?
why should you care how each special day goes?
life just goes on
and in the end...
it may be good it may be bad
you dont care so you be who you are
without giving energy

to the fact that no matter where you are
you can be .... amazing
if you make God your only descriptor
and your only judge be continued

Friday, September 27, 2013

ya Allah...we really need you

the streeets ar eempty but im already thinking abotu the flowers we would plant and the safety we would own
the truth we would have and the fire th at would never burn
the streets are empty but i can hear their voices and believe in their strength
all i gotta do is close my eyes and i can see their wealth

the streets are empty but i can see when there isnt enough space
and fear runs through corridors
and betrayal has no space to line up
the streets are empty but somewhere i can see the light ages and not the dark ages
i can see the shine and not the ugliness
i can see the truth and not the broken promises
the streets are empty but i can see that God will prvail
and honesty will become one with the land
there is no such thing as being too powerful
no such thing as being impossible
no such thing as being ....too strong
all we gotta do is lift up our hands and pray...

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

2 dates for lunch

I cannot function without cool air of faith
my uncle teeling me it may be dates for a while
and yet I stretch to dream about empty train stations in downtown khartoum travelling high speed to portsudan maybe 6 hours if we get delayed in algadarif
imagine ...
the beauty of sudan
tropical fruit falling of streets
people begging for you to buy their bundles
for no bundle at all
just a penny
or more
imagine sheep for eed priceless...
70 cents for a kilo
imagine sudan... the highlight of my life
the grandest africa n nation
we would have airlines that say sudan air...the grandest africa
or soemthing like that
we would have everything
and europe
it would be the mixed world
we would have education

life would be clean
just flowers all around

I cannot function without the dream in my mind
even if just a dream
i cannot function without you
Ya Allah
you are my only protector
and the protector of my family friends
I ask you be kind to us
and save us from whatever that which is harming
I ask you help my country and help us not be afraid from anything but you
ya allah

(POW)_ a blanket or lifting a stone

Monday, September 23, 2013

M&A13_ empty with courage

'I know I shouldn't text you,
 but my world is empty without you'

Khartoum streets like vanished memories in the sky 
that you flew on to go nearby
but it feels like millions of distance
and communication vagaries
pick out tragedies to think about
7 pounds a meaning
I listen to Capital Fm 
and wish  I could write 91.6 words to tell him how I feel

I feel that my world is empty without you
the best man in the world
sweet and kind
and I want to make you proud
small things mean big things
like you've given me responsibility 
to protect the whole of Sudan
until you come

as I stop on a red light and listen to Alicia keys
life becomes clear
this is my home town
and missing it is a piece of my heart
my faithful strength of a man I'm only luck to have close
and I am lucky to be her
although Its hard 

its dawns on me its only hard because I let it
and it only doesn't make sense because I forget it
and because of fear my eyes cannot see but a tear

when really

my life is beautiful
very beautiful
and maddeningly gorgeous
and Ive really gotten all my dreams come true

Love hope

(POW)_ its easy to do wrong..

Sure its easy to be a gangster
but it takes sweat to sit and study from a light candle
Easy to send 3 texts of anger
rather than think of 73 excuses of good
oh its way easy to shout and scream
and think evil thoughts
rather than take a tonne of water and quench that madness away
oh it so easy to speak about mustafa
when you really should be looking at yourself
its just really easy to see the bad in others
but not so easy to see the bad in yuorself
oh so wonderful to sound courageous and smart
when inside youre really just a deck of cards
waiting for some water to turn into mush
easy to
turn the lights off at night and let the devils in
rather than turn the lights on read Quran and push them all out
oh so easy to look llike the world has eaten you
rahter than do everything in your power so
youre the one that eats from it
its really easy to sit on a couch while the azan is beautiful
but a hard thing to do get up and pray in that ...instant timing
that A+ heaven dream
and never forget it
its easy to forget
but hard to remember

tell me when was the last itme you remembered something beautiful/?

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Healthy September 3

Green tea last thing at night
25 days to change my life
I've done good today but on day 25
 I want to be queen 
so let the battles begin........

conquer your world and you shall be free
set yourselfalive with power to say no
be strong by fninishing soething
be stronger by beginning the right way

listen to the journey to hapiness
listen to your screaming insides
forgive yourself
listen to what you need

stop accepting everything
stop demanding everything
wish life to wish you wel
hope that hope returns the one

that owns this place

hope that youre healthy
, this september and forever


From a magazine...

A long lost dream
of reading modernity
even though its wrong
Power of denial consumes
as I assume
this weakness 
is okay
colours shine once more
and I am blind to the core
that time is passing quickly
and will never stop
to  take me on board
I Must run
I must find a way on
before its all gone
the chance to be
just a name
Im no longer the same
beautiful girl
history I see
it was all just days
and now these are all just days
collected to be me
anything to feed the challenge
of faithless crime
A long lost dream
stopping days before they stop me
and living clean before it gets too
to see through the tarnished
debilitated memories

Unhealthy September 1

Speak out f or the woman lost in time
now a misery but once divine
like khadija and Ibrahim episode 39
red satin smoothly translates everything unknown
you dont need any language to feel the power of their affair
a healthy....affair
after days and hard measures to write beautiful letters
and the fear itwould never be
how ? could royalty meet the best violin player a t the time?

and yet, they met in a closed room thousands of years ago
in love and without knowledge of the future
except that at that moment

nothing could go wrong

speak out for hope the woman who loved but didnt know the future
couldnt possible have thought she would be in a position of tumbling strength
like pillars falling
castles disintegrating
palaces rotting
and kingdoms dying

like hope 


Friday, September 13, 2013

Healthy September 2

be intimate but not lacking
be strong but not damaging
be wise but not stupid
be beautiful but not fake
use things that dont use you
be the one that you want to see in this world
stop making life difficult more than it already is
stop turning your smile upside down
stop finding your smile in others sadness
stop losing your smile to the devils party

after midnight they play in your avenue
taking your precious faith
dont trust GOD! what are you doing?!
hate hate hate
better to hate so if you fail
you didnt get a broken promise
doenst matter if life doesnt mean anything
just never a broken promise

broken promises a part of your command
I dont think youve ever said a promise ...........and kept it
and now you have a hard time believing in yourself

a viscious cycle you cycle up the mountain to hide
from hard ways and amazing times

this IS an amazing time

always remember that girl.... that  you want to be become (to be continued) and if you try harder you would see you are her
you are the woman in need of life and God and faith and you are that woman kind and strong and smart and wise and you are that woman beautiful and full of

dont give your life way for free..... beautiful girl

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Healthy September

I havnt written in a long time because I havnt been myself for a long time
maybe because ive given a big part away to someone I trust
but also because i i havnt been myself because i havnt trusted my eyes
my soul my mind
I know I can be better
I dont know why am so cruel to myself
but I know im talented and strong
I know that God loves me
well I know that he used to love me
now im at the end of his bond
for ive broken all bonds with god
even though this year he has tightened them
strengtheed them
and proven to me
that any thing is possible

why am I not true to myself?
why am I not kind to my inside voice
and happy with my outer and inner life

I can do so much
and yet I feel like I cant do anything

 but its time to re start
I really wanna re start
 I really wanna trust myself
so much I know where im going
even if im blind

I really wanna be happy wiht my heart my voice my love
without any negatives any excises

I just wanna live without care for trouble
or care for minus time

I jsut wanna live
and be pure
and strong



now i know whats wrong

I dont feel healthy

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -