Sunday, September 29, 2013

Wanting to be.... free

An empty page waiting to be written on, I am like my country, reaching the bottom of my cause, and no where else to go but somewhere else. Maybe in the denial of loss there is bravery, maybe in the extravagance of misery, there is beauty, maybe in the shadow of sorrow , there is a brighter tomorrow.
Documented pain resides within me, of fears that God is not with me no more and living life raw is tormenting. why would he be with a woman so cruel to this respectable faith? The Quran sits in the waves of sand melting and ages coming and going. There is no way but to challenge my soul. Sitting on the dawns of time but there is not sunset just yet. I plan to write until no end. forever words that mean something here there and across the oceans. Let it mean something. Let my life mean something. Ya Allah. Let it mean something. Plan to be better. In that Ivory scroll, write to be better. write to start again, write to feel again, write to believe again, write to never be let yourself. Write to love, to change, to try, to try harder, to become that woman you've always wanted to be

FIRST: put your mind to it and believe

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -