Monday, October 17, 2016

M&A... so in love , so out of touch

For from the moment he walked in through that big door my whole life changed. It grew. It surpassed all my love and expectations. He loved me for who i was and i knew that my heart was his. For he was perfect. Perfectly sweet . Perfectly kind. Perfectly honest. And he was mine amd he was mine forever and i just dont even know how to begin being thankful. And now here i am  a part of him like a flower growing and i just want to cherish it and water it and nourish it. And i want to say to Allah
Whats wrong with me? Why am i like this? So far away from my faith , from the goodness you have given me. I am sorry. Please help me and save me for i just dont deserve
Dear allah
This time i want to do everyrhing differently
Like become in love with faith again
And i want to not worry about things
Except those of the mind
Like beauty in knowledge and love and health

For i have done things a certain way
And now i want to do them differently
Cleaner

Ya allah you are my love
Faith is my love
He is my love
She is my love
They are my love
My family
And i just want to be a family
I want to be with him

For he makes me melt
Makes me love so deeply it hurts
Makes me cherish my breaths and who i am
Makes me glow to the whole world
Makes me connect
Makes me disastrously sweet
For i taste his love and its like the only thing i need to have
I love him
And i love m and a

But the a , i has changed
Its become ... lost
So lost
Like a fragrance gone wrong
I am so lost
And this is the time to believe
For i have lost believing in myself
And now i know
I cannot move forwards without changing that
Without being that woman that
Is the fragrance of time elegance and strength
And most importantly
Faith
For i know i can be better
Do better
Think better
Achieve
Want better
Even have better
And i know there is so much more out there for me than a small office and a purple laptop
And its time to figure that out


To be continued

Saturday, October 1, 2016

M&A- am ready to give

Ive got so much to say
Its nowhere near how i feel
Like all these raw beautiful emotions 
Turning me into something i need to be
And all these intricate ways making me something else
Better
For he is better
And i feel fear
And i feel happiness
Ans i feel everything i should and shouldnt and its all that i am 
But theres still so much more
And so much else
I love his arms
The warmth and the pride
The honesty
I just dont care about anything else
Except all thats to do with him
And i miss him terribly 
Even when hes gone for a few hours
And i feel this 
This
Deep ache when i do something without him
And i feel like im flying 
When i do everything with him
And i do everything for him
And my tears fall when i think of his eyes
They glisten they turn around with truth and kindness
And i love his smile
And i love his ways
And i even love when he makes me mad
For it only makes me forgive him more
I just want to be with him
I just want to be there for him
And i just want to be the goodness he needs
The sharing of my heart with his
And im ready to share everything with him not just me
But what i can make and what i can give to him
The life that he needs and is waiting for 
Im ready to give



To be continued


What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -