Thursday, February 28, 2013

Friday emotions

Ya allah forgive me for all i have done wrong
please forgive me for when im not strong
please love me when i dont love you
please dont forget me when i forget you
today is friday the best day of the week
so to you ill speak
to you ill call
to you ill fall
for i am in touble
in the worlds trouble
and i have let it get to me
when normally i give it to you
all my worries
all my dramas
all my fears
now my tears
have no meaning
i will never forget ramadan
sitting by the window watching raindrops
and wondering where my life would go
Ya allah today is friday and i want to start a new day
filled with iced cold water and diet hope
and joy
and reading quran
and talking about love
over strong coffee later


M & A 7--between u & I

I have an idea
Ill stop this madness in my head
and surround myself with the beauty that was always inside me instead
ill forget these worries and angers inside
and look for the happiness, the warmth and my pride
ill start loving God the way he's supposed to be loved
and remember that he is the only one that can fix anything I see wrong
Ill pray and pray and pray and pray
and never ever will I say
Ill wake and wake and wake and wake
and never ever will i be fake
for I am real
and I am in love
and my whole body is his
and my whole body is on fire
and my whole body is alive
and so I strive
to be a better woman
but sometimes i cant
and sometimes i forget
that i am not alone anymore
i forget how important that is
i forget how beautiful that is
and im sorry
i am not trained yet
but i will be
i will be perfect for u
thats between u and i

back to praying....

I cannot write when im this sad
I cannot think when im this mad

so i close my eyes and take a deep breath and
his picture comes to my mind and all my anger melts
i forget this terrible world and all the pain i feel
and wonder about his eyes and the moments i steal
by his side that i cannot make longer
touching his hands that are so much stronger
than all this mess
and all these tests
that we have to pass to be with each other
but are we not already together?
not everyone sees that
not everyone hears my soul
not everyone understands my call
to him

I get angry again
So I count to ten
and his voice comes to my ears
everything becomes so clear
I hope im his hope forever
I hope he understands how silly I can be but also how
strong and confident and faithful I can be
The faithful are for the faithful
but I have lost my faith
or am I just distracted?
God faithful distracts me!!

I need god so much right now
I need faith and I dont know how
to stop thinking about him
I hope god forgives me  for all my
sins ---
like not waking up for the cleanest prayer the hardest prayer the most beautiful prayer
this is the one I need
but I realise praying is the most important thing I need right now
I need to pray for his safety and I need to pray for him
after all I did pray for him for all these years
so why stop now
 should'nt I pray that I get to keep him????
and ever
and infinity
and after

Wednesday, February 27, 2013


I hear love is what you give and not about what you get
I want to give the world to you
but I get so much kindness and love , I get so much hope and feeling
I get so much joy and laughter
I hear loving for allah is more beautiful than just loving alone
Ive always loved allah and now I love him more
for he has given me more than what i want , better , stronger and wiser
than what i want
i love allah because he finally answered my prayers and my answers are clear
i love allah more now
he has finally opened the doors to all my dreams inshallah
I have asked and he has replied and for that i must me so grateful
thankful. and i must be so lucky
I am the luckiest girl in the world
I hear that the kind are for each other
I hear that the faithful are for each other
although my faith is weak sometimes and i do mistakes sometimes
 I hope allah forgives me always
I have never loved anything more than allah
and now.... faithful
I shall call him faithful from now on

Dear faithful,
I have a lot to say to you and i dont know how to say it
although you are so kind to me im scared i wont be the same to you
but dont worry I will never hurt you or push you away
its just all i see is a kinder sweeter man and im worried i will never be the same
how close i want you to be to me is .........
how near i want you to come to me is........
how far you are right now is...... scaring me
I Feel like you are breaking all my walls
all my boundaries and I am.........

tempted to touch


Monday, February 25, 2013

I want to be like him .....

im angry
mainly at myself
Im sad
mainly at myself
im a fake
mainly to myself
im so lost from allah i cant hold on
im so away from faith i feel like im a disaster
im annoyed
mainly at myself
i want to be clean
and i havnt prayed the cleanest prayer in a long time
i want to be thankful
and i havnt thanked the one that should be thanked for a long time
I want to be giving
and i havnt given anything for a long time
i want to be hoping
and i havnt hoped for a long time
i want to be beautiful
and i havnt done anything beautiful for a long time
i want to be collected
and i havnt collected myself for a long time
i want to be composed
and im the most scattered person ive seen
i want to be strong
but im the weakest person i knwo
i want to be amazing
but im the most amazing less person i can see
i want to be good
but all i feel is bad
i feel ...... dishonest
what difference does it make what i say or how ifeel in this world
if inside i am not a good woman?
hav ea good heart
and most importantly
have a good conscience

he is so pure
he gives so much to the poor
he gives so much to the helpless
like me
he is so kind
he is so giving
unlike me
he is so passionate
i am nowhere near
he is so smooth
im so rough
like an unpolished diamond
he is so tempting
and i am tempted
to love him forever
shall i not resist?

Friday, February 22, 2013

M & A 5... never calls me again

I feel like he's never gona call me again
what if he never calls me again?
will I die?
or will I live my life forever a lie?
im so sick of other people calling me
im so tired of other people words
im tired of my own words
i just wana hear him
i want to be classic
and i dont want to be tragic
 i see myself with sunglasses in mid afternoon khartoum going somewhere doing something
happy smiling like insanity
singing and feeling forever forever free
 i want to say things
but i dont
but there i can
i want to do things
that i cant
but there i can
I want to break so many walls
that i can never be strong enough for
and when i try
i only break myself
and when i try
i feel bad and sad
and fearful that he may never call me again
because a part of me fears its wrong
what if he never calls me again?
did you not think of that hope?
what if he says this girl is....
not like the song i thought she was
or like the hope i thought she was
or like the goodness i knew she would be
im so sick of people talking aboout me
looking at me
thinking about me
except him
what if he never calls me agian?
will i close my heart
will i fall to pieces
will i be broken like beautiful glass

what if i never hear his voice
what if he decides i am not his beautiful choice
im so sick of people ruining this
and choosing this as theirs
when its ours
but is it my fault?

what if he never calls me again?

Saturday, February 16, 2013

M&A 4

Im wearing something really precious
nothing that ive ever been given before
nothing that ive known before
i know whats in store
a place where ive been waiting to enter for a long time
a place where ive been wanting to go for a long time
I want to know more
I want to know less about my old life
I want to become new

how will I be smart?

I must be smart
close your eyes and imagine ........

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

M&A 3...i feel like

A dream within a dream I dream a dream within a dream
somewhere very far away yet really close and really near
I feel like I cant breathe, I feel like i cant hold on
I feel happy, i feel scared, I feel wonderful, I feel beautiful
I feel inspired I feel controless - really lost under control
I feel precious, I feel lucky, I feel like patience worked
I feel like God is really happy with me
I feel like i know this is my reward
I feel like i gota choose since ive been chosen
I feel like im going so fast
like the speed of light
I feel like its alright
because light is all I see
I feel strange
I still feel scared
I feel like I have a lot to say and ill never be able to say it

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

M and A....

those two letters mean the world to me
and now it comes like a flying memory
blowing into the future as if jigsaw puzzles I have finally discovered
could it be?
it was all meant to be?
the I knew I loved you before i met you
M and A
I have creations for those letters
I have dedications for those letters
I have great love and weight for those letters
maybe he'll know what i mean
maybe he wont
but I want him to know

M&A 2....Tell me

Tell me what it is you want me to say and I'll say it
Tell me what it is you want me to do and I'll do it
Tell me who it is you need to be and I'll be it
Tell me what it is that makes you happy and ill always find a way to make it
Tell me what it is that makes you sad and ill always have a way to change it
Tell me your worries and ill always create space to take them away
Tell me your fears and ill always have strength to push them away
Tell me about your life your dreams your hopes
Tell me your challenges your miseries your secrets
Tell me about you , tell me about me, tell me about us

Monday, February 11, 2013

M&A 1....I feel like

I feel like i have this untarnished gold between my hands and I want to polish it
I feel like ive been given a gift that i want to unwrap
I feel like i want to wake up at 4am too except i keep waking up at 10
I feel like i must do the right thing but i dont know what that is
I feel like God has my back but im still afraid
I feel like I want him but Im scared to say
I feel like ive finally been given my dreams but im too much in denial


Friday, February 8, 2013

untitled - i gotta go

Ive got a lot to say but I dont have a lot of time to say it
let this be .... a lesson
for me for my faith
let this be one of the hardest times for me
I dont care
I care that I pass and that I perservere to
never be the one I am now
let this be the woman I want to be
and let this be the woman that is no more
for I want her to die and i want the new one to rise
the one with silence and secrets
and faith and eternal patience
and love
and care for education
and care ofr style

let this be me


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My knees hurt....

her eyes traverse my soul
I can see her healthy smart and strong
I can see her behind her veil proud and honest
I can see her in use of faith
I wonder how she looks when she prays

does she look intimate
does she look sound
does she look young
does she look poor

Please God let me honour your cause and be the one that knows knowledge for you
live because of you and grow up with you and for you
 i dont want earthly things yet - I care to supersede and rise never above you but for your love , for your attraction - I am working hard for you
and she turns over her mat at 5 am  cold wind slightly caressing her and an orange lamp smoothly devouring her eyes she lightly gets up and makes hot cardemon tea and silently begins herday studying , always for him - its always so easy then - its never hard

black makes sense to me then
it makes me see other colours as if I can see her heart
for she pours knowledge out
and didnt take that long
it didnt take that long for me to
my colours are black and her black is full of colour
it didnt take me long to see her place is high
and my high place is low
it didnt take me long to know
I am so lost
for I used to laugh deep inside and say
ha! always I am that little bit smarter

but I feel very vulnerable now
I am that little it weaker
that little bit unwiser
that little bit old

I wish for a new day
somewhere far away
where I can prove that black is filled with colour
and that eyes are honest
and God is mine to keep
thatnoone should take that
and that nothing can take me response
my vitality
my life
I feel stolen
I feel uglyand old because I lacking and cold
and terrified of so many things
when we were sent to be only afraid of one thing

and yet that one thing so important
I am not caring to
so how can my faith care to me
and how can my love care to me
and how can knowledge come to me
and how can love open for me
and how can challenges want to fly
and how can my future touch the sky


Saturday, February 2, 2013

The change of Hope 1

I've decided, that everytime I am sad, I will write a good note, not about the bad thing that inspired me to write good but about the goodness that my anger of heat only melts into my veins and helps me become a better woman. I am not a bad woman, I am not an ugly woman, I am not a beautiful woman either though for currently I am ...homeless . Sudan, the most beautiful country in the world , the place where I was born, is not my home no more , for I only see pain and disaster and my heart only bleeds with tears. that doens'nt mean I will stop loving it. but I want better things, Like becoming that amazing woman with hope and hardship that squeezed out success. this time i want to see 90, and above, I want to see distinctions and i want to see a second chance being sold cheaper than its worth but used far expensive than ever. I will no more linger about pain or suffering. I will no more be of the hopeless for I am the last one on earth that should be hopeless, I am sprinkled with ... talents and love. ah, love. I have forgotten what it is I want. I have forgotten my dreams. my life, my wants and desires. I have minisculed them into disproportion, i have challenged them until t hey have vanished, i have lost them deep within my soul and now when i look, all i see is.. empptiness and other peoples dramas, never my own. i never stopped to think that i am pushing him away. for on the outside, i am nothing like what i feel. and nothing like what i can give, and nothing like how i can love.. a man that is sent for me. only god can do that for me. maybe its as far away as here and maybe its as close as across the ocean but it is certainly after patience for my sister is patience and i have decided to fight her. it doesnt matter if im asked for things that I want because God will give them to me if I why am I not asking?

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -