Monday, February 25, 2013

I want to be like him .....

im angry
mainly at myself
Im sad
mainly at myself
im a fake
mainly to myself
im so lost from allah i cant hold on
im so away from faith i feel like im a disaster
im annoyed
mainly at myself
i want to be clean
and i havnt prayed the cleanest prayer in a long time
i want to be thankful
and i havnt thanked the one that should be thanked for a long time
I want to be giving
and i havnt given anything for a long time
i want to be hoping
and i havnt hoped for a long time
i want to be beautiful
and i havnt done anything beautiful for a long time
i want to be collected
and i havnt collected myself for a long time
i want to be composed
and im the most scattered person ive seen
i want to be strong
but im the weakest person i knwo
i want to be amazing
but im the most amazing less person i can see
i want to be good
but all i feel is bad
i feel ...... dishonest
what difference does it make what i say or how ifeel in this world
if inside i am not a good woman?
hav ea good heart
and most importantly
have a good conscience

he is so pure
he gives so much to the poor
he gives so much to the helpless
like me
he is so kind
he is so giving
unlike me
he is so passionate
i am nowhere near
he is so smooth
im so rough
like an unpolished diamond
he is so tempting
and i am tempted
to love him forever
shall i not resist?

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -