Thursday, February 28, 2013

back to praying....

I cannot write when im this sad
I cannot think when im this mad

so i close my eyes and take a deep breath and
his picture comes to my mind and all my anger melts
i forget this terrible world and all the pain i feel
and wonder about his eyes and the moments i steal
by his side that i cannot make longer
touching his hands that are so much stronger
than all this mess
and all these tests
that we have to pass to be with each other
but are we not already together?
not everyone sees that
not everyone hears my soul
not everyone understands my call
to him

I get angry again
So I count to ten
and his voice comes to my ears
everything becomes so clear
I hope im his hope forever
I hope he understands how silly I can be but also how
strong and confident and faithful I can be
The faithful are for the faithful
but I have lost my faith
or am I just distracted?
God faithful distracts me!!

I need god so much right now
I need faith and I dont know how
to stop thinking about him
I hope god forgives me  for all my
sins ---
like not waking up for the cleanest prayer the hardest prayer the most beautiful prayer
this is the one I need
but I realise praying is the most important thing I need right now
I need to pray for his safety and I need to pray for him
after all I did pray for him for all these years
so why stop now
 should'nt I pray that I get to keep him????
and ever
and infinity
and after

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -