I've decided, that everytime I am sad, I will write a good note, not about the bad thing that inspired me to write good but about the goodness that my anger of heat only melts into my veins and helps me become a better woman. I am not a bad woman, I am not an ugly woman, I am not a beautiful woman either though for currently I am ...homeless . Sudan, the most beautiful country in the world , the place where I was born, is not my home no more , for I only see pain and disaster and my heart only bleeds with tears. that doens'nt mean I will stop loving it. but I want better things, Like becoming that amazing woman with hope and hardship that squeezed out success. this time i want to see 90, and above, I want to see distinctions and i want to see a second chance being sold cheaper than its worth but used far expensive than ever. I will no more linger about pain or suffering. I will no more be of the hopeless for I am the last one on earth that should be hopeless, I am sprinkled with ... talents and love. ah, love. I have forgotten what it is I want. I have forgotten my dreams. my life, my wants and desires. I have minisculed them into disproportion, i have challenged them until t hey have vanished, i have lost them deep within my soul and now when i look, all i see is.. empptiness and other peoples dramas, never my own. i never stopped to think that i am pushing him away. for on the outside, i am nothing like what i feel. and nothing like what i can give, and nothing like how i can love.. a man that is sent for me. only god can do that for me. maybe its as far away as here and maybe its as close as across the ocean but it is certainly after patience for my sister is patience and i have decided to fight her. it doesnt matter if im asked for things that I want because God will give them to me if I ask.....so why am I not asking?
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