Saturday, February 2, 2013

The change of Hope 1

I've decided, that everytime I am sad, I will write a good note, not about the bad thing that inspired me to write good but about the goodness that my anger of heat only melts into my veins and helps me become a better woman. I am not a bad woman, I am not an ugly woman, I am not a beautiful woman either though for currently I am ...homeless . Sudan, the most beautiful country in the world , the place where I was born, is not my home no more , for I only see pain and disaster and my heart only bleeds with tears. that doens'nt mean I will stop loving it. but I want better things, Like becoming that amazing woman with hope and hardship that squeezed out success. this time i want to see 90, and above, I want to see distinctions and i want to see a second chance being sold cheaper than its worth but used far expensive than ever. I will no more linger about pain or suffering. I will no more be of the hopeless for I am the last one on earth that should be hopeless, I am sprinkled with ... talents and love. ah, love. I have forgotten what it is I want. I have forgotten my dreams. my life, my wants and desires. I have minisculed them into disproportion, i have challenged them until t hey have vanished, i have lost them deep within my soul and now when i look, all i see is.. empptiness and other peoples dramas, never my own. i never stopped to think that i am pushing him away. for on the outside, i am nothing like what i feel. and nothing like what i can give, and nothing like how i can love.. a man that is sent for me. only god can do that for me. maybe its as far away as here and maybe its as close as across the ocean but it is certainly after patience for my sister is patience and i have decided to fight her. it doesnt matter if im asked for things that I want because God will give them to me if I why am I not asking?

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -