Tuesday, July 23, 2013

except a fan...

There comes a time when I look at yello flowers from my window a fan queitly blowing air - the hum reminds me of the sudanese glisten of mid afternoon stillness - except...their fans are a long way away from 15.45 pm afternoon above the equator ..and yet we all live the same times and breathe the same oxygen doenst matter if its hot or cold - its all one day and the same day at that and yet we all feel diferent and we all want to be different and have different meanings and so i wonder where I am and where is mym eaning for i knw ive lost all meaning and yet the butterflies trapped in my sight show me there is always meaning to the world and ther is always god to give you meaning There comes a time where i regret regrettng and i regret every part of me that is dark bitter and tempted to always look and always feel and yet i want to feel and I want to be but the eye will tell what she didnt want to see ... the woman who never was - i wonder where my emotions are and I realise theyve always been here I jsut stopped using them i wonder where my strength is I realise its always inside me I just forgot abuot it convincing myself that I am weak and thus can nly deserve a weak life life will go on whether I am happy or sad and I dont want to live a life that is ..sad and regret it I want to live it to the full and so i chose a man who knows how to live he is my palace and my royalty and i want to be a queen with him

Friday, July 12, 2013

what is wrong with me?

Feeling down cuz hes not around I missed his call and im missing all the inspiration of a faithful ramadan feeling dirty now like im an outcast am I really doing a right fast? the last ramadan where I will be like this single and alone and ...far away from home I am far away from Allah and his glory I dont know when ill stop this madness and look at myself correct thinking about all thats wrong insttead of all thatas perfect I am a strange charachter simple things worry me and great things dont effect me isnt it great to worry aobut being faithless on the first friday of ramadan the last ramadan ill be like this//// I feel...empty and untrusting of everything Ya allah help me feel better and stronger Ya allah let me change my ways and become the better woman the one with a more drastic cut off and happy beginning

Saturday, July 6, 2013

thoughts in 4t4

Here I am... in a different place and the ability to write once more - suddenly writing becomes a gift and I cherish the moments i have - for a while i decide to stay forever but then i realise my forever was never meant to be here....
it annoys me how much time ive wasted in little things, like always imagining the worst - its sunny its bright, its easy, and I always always have a chance to breathe -
here I am ..with a  big black dog near me that i dont like but have no choice but sit near...
I ask myself - do I have the same blackness sitting on my soul?
the sun shines today and i walk and walk and walk until i reach a place originally i was meant to go but then was told i didnt have to and then was told i had to

yes Ramadan is near .... the battery of the year
and my charger is just lost and i am not ready to plug my life in
i havnt even gone searching for it the charger
my God
what am I doing to myself ?

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -