Tuesday, July 23, 2013

except a fan...

There comes a time when I look at yello flowers from my window a fan queitly blowing air - the hum reminds me of the sudanese glisten of mid afternoon stillness - except...their fans are a long way away from 15.45 pm afternoon above the equator ..and yet we all live the same times and breathe the same oxygen doenst matter if its hot or cold - its all one day and the same day at that and yet we all feel diferent and we all want to be different and have different meanings and so i wonder where I am and where is mym eaning for i knw ive lost all meaning and yet the butterflies trapped in my sight show me there is always meaning to the world and ther is always god to give you meaning There comes a time where i regret regrettng and i regret every part of me that is dark bitter and tempted to always look and always feel and yet i want to feel and I want to be but the eye will tell what she didnt want to see ... the woman who never was - i wonder where my emotions are and I realise theyve always been here I jsut stopped using them i wonder where my strength is I realise its always inside me I just forgot abuot it convincing myself that I am weak and thus can nly deserve a weak life life will go on whether I am happy or sad and I dont want to live a life that is ..sad and regret it I want to live it to the full and so i chose a man who knows how to live he is my palace and my royalty and i want to be a queen with him

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -