Saturday, July 6, 2013

thoughts in 4t4

Here I am... in a different place and the ability to write once more - suddenly writing becomes a gift and I cherish the moments i have - for a while i decide to stay forever but then i realise my forever was never meant to be here....
it annoys me how much time ive wasted in little things, like always imagining the worst - its sunny its bright, its easy, and I always always have a chance to breathe -
here I am ..with a  big black dog near me that i dont like but have no choice but sit near...
I ask myself - do I have the same blackness sitting on my soul?
the sun shines today and i walk and walk and walk until i reach a place originally i was meant to go but then was told i didnt have to and then was told i had to

yes Ramadan is near .... the battery of the year
and my charger is just lost and i am not ready to plug my life in
i havnt even gone searching for it the charger
my God
what am I doing to myself ?

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -