Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Skyfall in Sudan

There is beautiful something about winter in sudan
There is a beautiful desire to begin life in winter in sudan at 3 am
with the bedroom windown open the curtains pushed to the side to let life in
with all its turbulence, silence, existence
the streets lay forgotten for the night and the people sleep
they say sleep is the best forgiver you cant sin while sleeping
cats fight outside I dont know for what
love? food? land?
people here fight for the same thing
but not at 3 am
this is how i wish sudan was
a whisper of time that makes sense
that is peaceful, whistful, blissful
like a small piece of a dream
not even the whole dream

I dont know where I am
for amidst queit shadows
I stay awake open to the world
watching sky fall
through a gateway of .... the internet
seems to normal
but i create a portal of destiny
to find who I am
I am the one who loves life
music movies
but I am the one who loves Sudan
at 3 am particularly

I watch skyfall and I catch my dreams before they fall
here on ....electronic paper
I am a woman with many expereinces
the experience of goodness of ugly truths
of beautiful dreams
of very hard dreams
of wonderful faith
of loneliness
of education
of lack of education
of hearing fresh azans
of hearing electronic azans
of sleeping of waking
og hearing the damp clicks of keyboard letters against my fingers
I type fast
that is an experience

henna on my hands
i can smell the fresh tickle of its leftover
a big circle on the inside of my palm
the circle of the world?
I hold the world in the palm of my hand today
thinking of all the world today
here there
the end of the cinema somewhere far far away
I can still see the traffic lights
the sounds of the motorway
the look of the streets
the shape of the cars
the shape of our house key
the taste of having seen a new movie i nthe cinema
but i  am not there anymore
I am here
in the middle of the desert
thinking about love
about destiny
about skyfall
and how always the criminal leaves the door open behind him
always they will be caught
im glad
so why is it not happening in real life
or maybe the movies hasnt finished yet
yes it hasnt finished yet
I think about love here in the desert

I wonder will it taste like strawberries and milk with a bit of date and banana
a mix of an africa smoothie
lightly sweet , cool , sensual ,..........
I love winter in sudan particularly at dawn
the sound of prayer outside my walls
I feel muslim
ive never felt muslim before
but i also feel scared I am not the good muslim here even though i tihnk i am
 ]i love the feel of cold air against my feet like a really expensive air con
that i cant turn off
i lvoe the sense of lack of control
even though its frightening to live withoutcontrol
but letting the grips loose feels right
I dont know
all I know is

I lvoe sudan in winter particularly at 6.09 am
i wish it could stay like this forever
that i find all i want
a movie that i wanted to watch right in beneath me
in the cold desert next to family sleeping , with the sound of prayer outside

this is a dream collectiing forming mending
Ya Rab help me to make dreams come true


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

zebras in the desert 2

I hate this part of me
the one who is never happy with what she has
feeling so cold even though god has given me warmth
and feeling hot when the air con is on
i hate this part of me
that is jealous of other peoples things
although i have so much more
 in depth
in time
in effort
my life runs a different course than otehrs
but i hate the part in me that doenst see that

why dont i have and why dont i have
when i have it all
i have it all
and icant see it
from this
i can create an experience never to be forgotten
but here i am
in sensation
that i am losing
that i am stupid
that i am making a mistake #that i am making a big mistake
that i am now more hidden than ever
I feel awful
I feel awful that ifee l like this
because i know its worth punishing
god cannot give me all
and even if he wanted to now he wont want to

I wish  I wish Sudan hugs me with warm arms
and forgives me for my impatience and my selfishness for asking so much from it
and wanting so much more than it can give
but i pray
that it sees me as the one who got away but came back
and thus gives me priority
for it breaks my heart that
i am more sudanese than anyone here
I really am not
because i dont know the roads
and where they go to
i dont know their names
and I m searching for a house to call my own
but i dont know where it will be
and im searching for undiscovered thing s but theyre so expensive
but im searching for forgotten promises that i made

I dont know where they are
I dont know where they are

Saturday, November 17, 2012

waterfalls in the desert 2

I want to watch him love me
in the desert at night twisted through the broken down villages where beggars sleep and sick children play dirty with hope for nothing tommorow except tp survive leaning on the walls of a stolen house with 99 lights and ....beautiful cars....lights and cars and frozen ice with pasgianos flavoured after partys and mbc....drama in the air stipped by only a few metres a new world , where there are no fans to part the heat and there are no air conditioners to change the temperature and there is no good food to fill stomachs and thus hearts with calories of time - I watch pain here in the streets where there is no dancing there is only petrol shifting wthether up noses or out exhaust pipes I watch thirst here for expensive things  Iwatch slow death here through lack of loving oneself , though lack of understanding life through lack of wanting a better future - I dont want any of that
so why am I here

I want to watch him love me
through brown eyes and a clean moustache
smiling intimately understaning my every thought
I ahve extracted beauty from the desert
I want to hear him call me
from teh depth of his heart
I never wann to make him do anything
but I know he wants to be with me through every voluntary bone in his body
and I know its not desire
its more than what exists in this world
the  river combined with my tumbling emotion
passing bridges where water watches my war to cool down my heart
for it is an africa heart
hot and furious with lust to love to be loved
the only way possible
the right way

Waterfall in the Desert 1

Ya Rab
I let go of  an opportunity to stay in Sudan
this is the first sacrifice
I feel awful and weak
but I ask you to forgive me if I have done the wrong thing
i feel like my GPS is calling derouting derouting derouting
but isnt this what i wanted
to live in this mess
in this heat
in this lack of organisation
I dont want to let it go
I dont want to let it pass
I want to find things
like myself
faith and love
I dont to sleep and miss out on my grandfather
I dont want to eat and watch my beautiful body untamed

I want to stay in sudan thats for sure
I want to fall in love thats for sure
I want to be a good muslim , a good one thats for sure
I want to work to help people before i help myself ..thats for sure

Ya Rab
save me
and help me help myself through helping others


Monday, November 12, 2012

Signed....I will succeed

I wont let you fail me
I wont let you starve me from good feelings and good things
here I am taking hte time be here
and here you are taking the time to throw me off my point
I want to understand how traffic is
and how life is
and how time is spent
and how people win
and succeed
I want to succeeed
i jsut dont know how
or am i too weak?
I dontk now
but I know
I will not fail
I will not fail
I will not fail
 and I will not become one of you
this place isa like facebook
you can open it and become addicted and keep presing and poking until your page is jsut dirty
I dont want to have a facebook here
no no account
I am still the same person of accurate intentions
to faith and love and life
I do not want ugly dreams
I only want wonderful ones
I do not want open portals
i want closed ones
remember the less faith you have
the more open the portals become
remember its been a long time since ramadan but its still a longer time to the next one
 and this one was special i know it was
it had to have been
i filled my batteries to the brim
and I am not preapred to waste them
I wll not be sad
i will not be irritated
or made to do soemthing or say something i do not want to do
 Iwll not be dirty
 i will not be ugly
and i will not be dumb
i will not be dumb
i made that mistake a long time ago and it still hurts me
but that hurt should change me and not break me
 i pray for the right one
the right thing
the right dream
i pray i fit into it
not the otehr way around
i dream
of sweent mornings
and warm smelling pie
ppie with jam
pie with heart
and how to make flowers in vases
i am that girl
i am also looking for independance
i am also looking for
for a woman who is lazy to pull her out of that hole
and i wont let you push me into it at all
i may have fallen into it
but i wont die in it

Signed ... Iwil l succeed

Friday, November 9, 2012

so and so

it scaress me when i look back through a mirror glass of broken engagements love and to think how many tears may have been spent and how many kisses may have been vain
so and so was in lvoe with so and so buthink about t they didnt end up together
theydidnt get married
no one really knows why
except the couple that should have been but never were
i know that means God didnt write them down as one

but i still wonder and imagine
if so and so were together today now
how would they be
 would they be here different
with us in love
in fear
in happinness
in time
in strength
or in darkness
would they have saved us or would we have saved them
from twisted marriages and no children from illness and poverty and fights and terrible people
would they have saved us from lack of education and love
or would they have saved us from enhanced trauma
would we have sepent itme with them and loved them
and become friends with them
and maybe even more

I wonder
about what could have been all the time
and i tihnk well how many could have beens were in my life
and my time
and what will be in a few years time
or maybe many years time
that I will regret or not regret

all I know is
I pray God helps me make the right choices
and gives me orange lights in the middle of khartoum with ...........

to be continued

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I forgot what it feels like look deep inside

3.14 am - I shouldnt be awake

but I               am
 listenin forcefully to the sound of twittering flies in my bathroom that I cant catch and worrying about unreturned deposits ...of life of life
I love it --- life
always .....
the hum of the refrigerator wafts and queitly the air con sings cold love to me
orange lights and good music or rather
a small window to the outside world
I ask myself
how much do you wana open and how much do you wana close?
can you control that?
i say: you can do anything you desire
like pain you can desire to leave that behind
europe can desire to forget
you can desire to remember
wishes upon long days and hot trains
to come here
in the middle of the sun and family
and grapefruit
you dreamt this and its happening
endless numbers of grapefruit tomatoes and anything sudanese
but suddenly i am lost
or am I stolen?
i dontk now
I am confused i know I am
but i realise this is exactly where i want to be
maybe i didnt account for hardships for othdr peoples eccentricities
but as for me
I am in tune with life
even if im scattered in thoughts
Its like I want to do a million things at one time
even though im not doing anything
its like i have a million things to do
even though im not doing anything
its like ive forgotten who iam
even though my reflection is the same
its like my memories have been shaved
even though my hair is getting healthier
its like im a stranger
even though im close to relatives

 i feel
confused and weak
unthinning and
the me I dreamt of
the love i yearn for
the me i demand
I always demand respect
but I ask myself
do I really deserve it?

where are you
I know you are here
I love you
but I cannot se e you
and that is wrong
you are not just a part of me when i am alone
you should be a part of me no matter where I go
I feel that there are changed things inside me
but there are bad things stil lthe same
life is an endless battle
but a beautiful one
and i want to live a beautfiul battle
one with good regrets and forever love
i refuse to believe i am not worth amazing love
and endless smiles
Ya Rab
I ask you to help me
I want
 I want to never dissapoint you family and me
I want
to succeed here
i dont want to fail and i dont want
others to see me fail
I dont want to run#
I dont want others to tie me down
and rope me and choke me
cut my air supply and leave me breathless

I dont want no one to control
that is why i always want to be different
i want to attract different
but good
faithful and strong
 ya Rab
i know i can do that
 I know you can do that
please help me

today is a good day
for i can go far far away to hear what i need
and still be in the right place at the right time


What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -