Wednesday, November 21, 2012

zebras in the desert 2

I hate this part of me
the one who is never happy with what she has
feeling so cold even though god has given me warmth
and feeling hot when the air con is on
i hate this part of me
that is jealous of other peoples things
although i have so much more
 in depth
in time
in effort
my life runs a different course than otehrs
but i hate the part in me that doenst see that

why dont i have and why dont i have
when i have it all
i have it all
and icant see it
from this
i can create an experience never to be forgotten
but here i am
in sensation
that i am losing
that i am stupid
that i am making a mistake #that i am making a big mistake
that i am now more hidden than ever
I feel awful
I feel awful that ifee l like this
because i know its worth punishing
god cannot give me all
and even if he wanted to now he wont want to

I wish  I wish Sudan hugs me with warm arms
and forgives me for my impatience and my selfishness for asking so much from it
and wanting so much more than it can give
but i pray
that it sees me as the one who got away but came back
and thus gives me priority
for it breaks my heart that
i am more sudanese than anyone here
I really am not
because i dont know the roads
and where they go to
i dont know their names
and I m searching for a house to call my own
but i dont know where it will be
and im searching for undiscovered thing s but theyre so expensive
but im searching for forgotten promises that i made

I dont know where they are
I dont know where they are

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -