Saturday, November 17, 2012

Waterfall in the Desert 1

Ya Rab
I let go of  an opportunity to stay in Sudan
this is the first sacrifice
I feel awful and weak
but I ask you to forgive me if I have done the wrong thing
i feel like my GPS is calling derouting derouting derouting
but isnt this what i wanted
to live in this mess
in this heat
in this lack of organisation
I dont want to let it go
I dont want to let it pass
I want to find things
here
like myself
faith and love
I dont to sleep and miss out on my grandfather
I dont want to eat and watch my beautiful body untamed
unloved
unwanted
unhappy

I want to stay in sudan thats for sure
I want to fall in love thats for sure
I want to be a good muslim , a good one thats for sure
I want to work to help people before i help myself ..thats for sure


Ya Rab
save me
and help me help myself through helping others

 
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -