Monday, January 25, 2016


Death is always unsettling 
Always moving
That time u lose someone near or far
Im sure
Ur heart skips a beat
U think 
Oh no 
That was the last time
And it simply hurts
U hurt for the loss
The empty space
U hurt for the sadnessthat they have to endure
The good and the bad memories 
The short and the long
U have to endure time and moments where u have to be alone
In important memories
U have to endure all the disorgznisAtion
The bad news
The tears
The everything
And then... 
Youhurt for being selfish
For all the times u were jealous
For all the time u were mean
Or all those times u were broke
U wish u tried
U wish u cared more
U wish u did things better
U wish u remembered the last time
Or the last fate
Or the last smile
Or even that last push
Theres always a last time for everything
And i just hope all my negatives are done

Always wrong

If u just shut ur mouth 
U didnt hear
اتقي شر الزول ده 
اصلا انتي اتاريك ضعيفة 
ما مرغوبة قريهة 
قايلة نفسك زول وانتي ما زول 
امشي شوفي حاجة تعمليها 
امشي شوفي زول تقنيعه 
امشي شوفي زول توريه كيف بتعملي
كل من لسانك كل من كلامك
كل من قهرك لي نفسك
عشان كد بتخلي الناس اقهروك
كل من كل شيء
عدم الاحساس
عدم التوازن 
عدم الاحساس
كل غلط
كل غلط
كل غلط
كل بطال
كل شين فيك
كل شين فيك
انت انسانة قهرة 
انت انسانة اليمة

Sunday, January 24, 2016

The suprising girl

Its so strange
This smart girl
Talented smart even flirty and yet
The black consumes her
I cant understand why
Why couldnt she be white or even grey
Why black and just making me wonder
What the hell does she look like 
Should i ask? To see her
Should i ask her why is that part of your brainnot smart like the rest of u
Or isit me
Im too open
Too stupid to realise and accept 
Maybe cuz she doesnt have to worry what pple think of her
It up to them to imagine
Not up her to help them
I can just guess the relief of no uses to anythinno makeup no perfume no nice headacarfs no nice clothes
No nothing
Just black
And then i wonder of he did like her
What it would be
Would it be not applicable
Or a womens all wedding
Hes too cool for that 
With too many friends
But they flirt! 
Why is she talkative and pictures herself and even a selfie!
Now thishas to stop
For The mind cannot understand
Its either black or nothing
Or no black with everything 

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

اليوم الاسود

انت لا تعلم يا حبيبي كيف انا احبك
مثل الموج البحب الهواء بيضمر الارض والحياء ليرقص مع العاصفة
ومثل ما يحب الوحوش ابناءها ولكن تسبب نزيف ابناء الاخرين
فهذا الوحش مثلي
لا يفكر في مدي جرحه لك وللاخرين 
فانا هنا اتمنا سماع صوتك ان كان خير ام شر
واتمنا رفضك او حتا اهانتك او حتا عدم مشاعرك 
سوف استحمل يوم او اثنين
سوف استحمل الا ان ترجع تحبني مرة ثانية
فانا الان افهم مدي قرهك لي
افهم مدي صبرك
فخليني انا شوية اتصبر 
وخليني انا شوية اقره كل شيء 
وخليني انا ايضا اندم 
وحتا اتراجع
وخليني اكون مثلك صارمة
و خليني اكون مثلك ما واضحة واتاخر
ولاارد ولا اهتم بي قلقي 
انا لا اهتم بي قلقي اذا انت لا تهتم 
ولا اهتم بيدمعي اذا انت با تشوفهمولا اهتم بي كلللللللللل الكلمات الكتبتها لك اذا انت لا تقراهم 
بل فقت لبني بدون سلام ....

Monday, January 18, 2016


its sad
life is sad
i am sad
that things are so complicated when they shouldnt be
and I understand the issues but i have no answer
like how a young laptops a is not working
and how there is so much pain in one heart
and how one may feel against someone
although that person is really kind and sweet
and now everyone thinks theyre bad
like those movies and series
where people dont find out the truth until the very end
I want to defend everyone
but i cant
and the result
from the best I love you to the worst good night
I hate it
and i dont even know whos fault it is
but i guess its mine
I guess it mine
for i was told
not to defend
and that they can defend themselves
am always ruining things
am always breaking things
am always
being stupid with glass
and forgetting that even the most beautiful glass
slit open a throat bleed
and  a simple 100 hundred pounds
can become the nightmare you didnt ask for
and travel of people you love can be so crucyfing
you miss them so much
and anger can be dreadful
and loss of agreement can break old agreements
and everything can defragment
just defragment
and all those words you used
can be like burning inside you
and then everything turns queit
not the quiet you imagined
no this is a negative night
but i didnt see it coming
no in the car everything was glamorous and kind and cool
but emotions are destructive
I felt the twinge the moment i made bad judgement
bad judgement
isnt that the falling
isnt that the crime
that i have to pay for ?

Thursday, January 14, 2016

It angers me

It angers me
The shit treatment
It angers me
The crap i see
It angers me
The frustration in this house
It angers me
The denial like mountains
It angers me
The imbalance of things
It angers me
The disgust of words
It angers me
The business of people in others
It angers me that business like a-scorpion
It angers me
The hate all around
It angers me
The ill fair treatment
And it angers me all
That i just cant do anything about it 

push up ...its january

whats wrong with me/? oh whats wrong me
all the excuses , all the drama, all the pain inside me
and for what?
here I am in  beautiful balcony
a locked up princess or a free woman of the future
my mind is clogged
with sleepiness
with laziness
with fer
what makes me different from all those famous people
whats wrong
why cant i push myself to do anything
why cant i believe to be better
why cant i notice whats happening and wake up to my truth
why cant i do this
if life was a day
what would be the most important thing?
are you just waiting or something
do you think one day your life will fix itself to whtever you desire
do you think one day it will all be different
what if you got the good news
now that is a real dream coming true
that free gift from Allah
are you feeling better?
i hope so
but dont forget the pain of a night broken
or 2 steps back
or a month of waiting with failure at the end
the only difference between a bad day and a good day is yor attitude
this is a good motto
for here i am on a day off with electricity and good food a good man my man and a new tea tray with heart shaped biscuits and a purple laptop with a pink quran and also 8 new plants in navy coloured vases fresh  and divine with azera coffee , probably the only ones on this earth and a clean home, with oven cooked sausages and a health and healthy family and internet that works and money to have to give and womens magazines to have and to give and a new fountain in the process and even icecream and eyes to see across and ears to hear the syrian music downstairs and fan to break the heat and move the wind to calm me and a yoga mat and and and
yet i feel sad
the truth is this is mddening and saddening and devestating
and on the first month of the year should just stop
i firstly am uncomparable
yes im a mess and am lost
and am weak and am tired
but am uncomparable
i am tarnished but i am not broken
i am dirty but i am not uncleanable
i am noisy but i am not unabel to queten it all

sanoya albanoya was cute to hug
i loved hugging her
when i have children i will love hugging them
and it is all a treasure like today

she had long hair and white skin and a crooked beautiful smile and looked like tuba that beautiful turkish actor and was super thin but had no life to live
i have life to live and i want to live it
with all its pleausures and pains but wit a good attitude
and i have memories to make
and hapiness to give and new earnings to take and strengths to feel
i am the same age as youth
i am the same age as love
i am the same age as trust
i am the same age as confidence and purity
and i will not let myself down

Monday, January 11, 2016

When u understand

Yesterday was a huge shock
An insight into myself and my lack of incapabilities
My lack of anything
For i felt more inferior than my own land
So i cried
Remembering how mean i was
And how shallow iwas
And how tough i was
Balancing my thoughts on something completely wrong
Thinking i was up against someone 
Thinking i was up against the wrong
Thinking i was right all the time
Thinking i had the right to do all that
Thinking thinking thinking and yet i was thinkkng completely wrong
For the truth was i was not thinking
I was not fighting i was not understanding
I was evil
And i was worse than what i thought i was bad
My mind froze When i heard the news
And i was just as sad as when they said other bad news to me
Because i felt shattered amd heartbroken at how awful id been
Amd there was no way to fix it
There was no way to be kind
I was sad and sad and then more sad
And i felt i didnt deserve a thing
Didnt deserve a thing

To be continued...

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Remember the patience .... in 2016

But it is a new day
And although you feel terrible
Nothing is short of a miracle
And nothing is lost
Just start again but this time
Learn from your mistakes
Because there was something wrong and you know it
Use that frustration and sadness and loss and put it in your body for good
What benefit is it to scream, shout, get angry, get depressed? Maybe you're closer than you think so don’t regress
Step forward and improve, step back and relax
Love your body and accept that it is hard but never gone
Take time to breathe for look at yourself
You're a mess
You’ve forgotten everything in life
You’ve even forgot how to be calm and happy about say breath and family
Support yourself
Don’t give up on yourself now
Everything will be alright
That bullying you hate so much
Don’t do that to yourself
For your wall is standing up tall and proud
And your nothing short of a smooth clean elevator
Don’t look at yourself at how others criticise
But how you see yourself
Take the challenge
Be richer
Be happier
Be stronger
Be intentionally amazing
But never be shallow, never be mean, never be boring, never miss a day in your life
Those are your mistakes
Keep learning , Keep learning 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Promises... In 2016

Where are you
When things are happening
Showing up and missing
Showing up and people laugh
But its not laughable
Like how your mind prepares
And your heart prepares
And your body doesnt
Or how you feel that words are coming
But theyre not the real thing
Or how things are supposed to go
But i need to promise myself things
And not burn them
Like start new plans, projects and periods in my life
Filled with hope and not despair
Filled with hope of tommorow being the tommorow i want 
And the tommorow i need
With hope that i can have sweet moments and sweat
And a new process and a new life
By 2
Ya allah 
Forgive me when i am wrong
And although i cannot be part of their team
I can be a part of yours
And my own team
My beautiful family
Ya allah
Let it be my day one day the feeling
Better than my weding
For i realised its unprecedented
That feeling im waiting for....
And whn you knock on my door
Ill be here

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Begin again

Inshallah that will be me one day 
Inshallah im not going to fret about it
And all will be ok
Inshallah whatever happens i  am here...
I  am here

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Please save me from the pain

hey there
i beg you to stay calm
stay patient and enjoy the moments no matter what happens
enjoy the pain and the worry even
for its all a part of the process
and its all a part of the joy
or the ... heartbreak
but even then its all a part of life

Hey there
i beg you to be strong
and be queit , but be positive
ya Allah please be positive
I beg you enjoy every moment
the not knowing
the not knowing
the thinking
the overthinking
the worry
the fer of being heartbroken

Hey there
I beg you to enjoy every minute
and everything
and stop the drama inside your head
for this is unprecedented
and its unimaginable
and it really is
really is unbelievable
so try to believe what you can
and maybe it will come true
for hey
this is your year
and Allah is with me
I know
just like he helps me and continues to help me
I know he will help me this time
I know
even if red shows he will help

Ya Allah help me
save me
save this thing happening
save me from the pain
Ya Allah save me from the pain

Ya Allah oh Ya Allah
I cant imagine
I cant believe
please help me to imagine
please help me to believe
and please help me to trust myself
and my thoughts
my mind please stop my mind flowing like this
and let it flow calmly
please let my mind relax
please tell me what to do
please show me
please show me
please save me
please save me from the pain
Ya Allah save me from the pain

Ya Allah I m here

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Beg of me

There is a dream i hold that ibeg unfolds 
A dream i hold that begs use
That begs love that begs truth
That begs a wonder

That begs of me to change.... 

Think hard about where u are right now

Monday, January 4, 2016

i am here ...

every second that passes clean is a miracle
its new territory
its advanced
its different
its scary
and the results will be detrimental if im wrong
but i am winning
and i am in a new galaxy
in a new part of the woods
no matter what happens
I have to be strong whatever the result of its sbscence
and i have to be proud of my actions
and i have to be unproud of the bad ones and fix them
full stop
fix them
and if this is true
which i see no reason for it not to be for i deserve it
and no matter what happens i still deserve it
then i am here for you
i am here waiting cherishing savouring the moments
the little moments

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Im always hungry....

But what am i hungry for..???

Hurt by you

I keep looking over my shoulder
Hoping youd be the next one here
Hoping ud be happy, proud and here
Even if tired
For this is... Nice
And i gave all my food away
Finishing first
As lonely as a poor man with no food looking at everyone elses
And i kept saying the excuses for you
Even though they were true but 
A tear so hard to stay in my eye
And so bad if it falls
For its a negative
You are not here
But worse
You didnt understand a thing i said
You didnt create a new for me
You didnt make an exception
You didnt make me count

Kind regards
Hurt by you

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -