Monday, January 11, 2016

When u understand

Yesterday was a huge shock
An insight into myself and my lack of incapabilities
My lack of anything
For i felt more inferior than my own land
So i cried
Remembering how mean i was
And how shallow iwas
And how tough i was
Balancing my thoughts on something completely wrong
Thinking i was up against someone 
Thinking i was up against the wrong
Thinking i was right all the time
Thinking i had the right to do all that
Thinking thinking thinking and yet i was thinkkng completely wrong
For the truth was i was not thinking
I was not fighting i was not understanding
I was evil
And i was worse than what i thought i was bad
My mind froze When i heard the news
And i was just as sad as when they said other bad news to me
Because i felt shattered amd heartbroken at how awful id been
Amd there was no way to fix it
There was no way to be kind
I was sad and sad and then more sad
And i felt i didnt deserve a thing
Didnt deserve a thing

To be continued...

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -