Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I am...Deserving this..truly

God do I understand
I understand
A difficult mind – useless and abused, fallen
The revenge ...of the fallen
I fall endlessly jealous and over whelmed by misunderstanding
I didn’t want this
I wanted strength
But when I look back
I was not strong
I was not fit and strong
I was not healthy
I was not...proud and confident of whom I was
I was broken
And I was ...ill
I am... ill with all these trepidations
I laugh..I don’t even know why
Like what I do now
I make assumptions
I think of ideas and make them happen as if they were
But in reality life can be different
Can be different
Iam..ill
Thinking about things that did not happen
That may not happen
That may be right
I feel ashamed that I am abusing myself like this
I feel ashamed that I am not ...myself
I am ... ill
And need to be healed

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Caribbean Reflection_(POW)

Glass shine, I wish I could reflect such calm and serenity - true beauty and internal relaxation -

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I try...


I try and stay happy
No can hurt me but me
Remember?
I try to be...so strong
My emotions controlled by defensive armour
Of forgetting...of imagining ... of going away
I try and not let them get me
Between my corners and hard places
I try and remain free – from the gut feeling of anger
I try not being angry – at myself – at them – I try
For anger is the killer passenger on a plane
I try and not dream irrationally – for dreams can be detrimental
I try - to write my problems away
Flatten my rage to a piece of paper
Stored outside my heart
Words and my soul apart

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Khartoum Heartbreak 7_it's just a glass of water


On the balcony of a busy subsaharan sleeping neighbourhood, the hum of the air conditioning moistens the intensity of position -of condition to wake up and live again within an unknown time - wind fans the moisture, the texture of a ...dress enlightens romance, begins a story. Light is night and what is impossible is most likely improbable - but here, right now, it is real - an ..alternate reality of crisp flaky windows open into the bewildered exterior, the doors tap tap tap queit solitude intervening with armors of protecting ...a floating dress.

Silently cushions lie, LED lamps blink feverishly a passion of despair, tables gently flatten peace, carpets curl beneath any ignorance - the washing sound of blissful africa - in my heart

Thirsty for the glass that quenches sanity of vastness

It is 2,42 AM - my feet twinkle in the shadows, dancing to reach through the familiar darkness, where within the realms of clean tops and unemployed crops - lies the opening of a mysterious cabinet, for it is now that it only lets its true beauty soar, its fantastic coolness and power of golden chill - I raise my hand to the mumbling strings of our refrigator, my dress - swinging to the last of the taken spring --- of immersed jug water - memorable to dream with as it trickles lust and cool desire -I am here for you... take me - the water hushes lashes of staring in compartments of wilderness - for tastes of africa lie only within my touch - the scent of ice - the waft of home made yoghurt - its particles crystalising with white -- predicament - Mint... smashes feelings into reason - Mango - the delights of mango - ushering watefalls of sweet temptation - the kitchen enhances with destiny - and I am a part of that collection of sudanese affair


Monday, June 15, 2009

Perfect Africa @ 5.17 AM(POW)

Her eyes


Amazing how he looks into her eyes--- amazing
I cannot breathe or think
Or dream
That is my dream
Perfected to intricate intimacy
Oh – when he shines his love into her
The world is completed
I love how every cell in his eyes becomes her
Every part of him
I adore how he looks at her

Strangely small


I feel sad, I feel so sad, lost within a bewilderment that should be easy to understand
Confused and tearful about my imagination, my personalisation of life ... so wrong
Sorry and weak because of my shadows
They follow me every where
Everyone has a pattern, a circumference of well being and strength
I do not know what embraces me, what focuses my time
I want to fantasise it’s you
I really do
But how can it be
When you ....do not know me
I do not know me
And trusting someone like that is ... without signature
It is unfair/ non profitable for you to sign – I understand that
I have lost a battle I have been fighting for, for so long
I wanted to win it for you, I always do
But when I look at other lovers romances
I am ... strangely small


_________________
The secret of dishonesty is the chance to lose so many things
All for the sake of feeling
I ruin time, effort, minds and all I find
I ruin heaven and sweet earth
The meanings of well being shattered moment’s broken lies
They are all lies
I lie to me and them and me and them
I lie to my heart and body
AND tone
I lie to me

Moments.


It is all a moment
A single moment
A moment when I feel like I conquer the world
And a moment for the times I surrender completely to you
A moment when I know what everything means
And a moment when all I want is to know how you feel
A moment for my mind to challenge life
A moment when I am challenged by how to stop loving you
A moment when I can control
And a moment when no one can control me but you
A moment when my time is to pursue
A moment when my time belongs to you
A moment when I am yours
Just yours
And you can do what a moment gives
A moment when I am lost engaging your own moments
What do you mean?
All of you...what do you mean?
What do you want?
How do I attract you?
Moments to escape to you
Moments to breathe you
Moments I wait for your touch

Cannot


No, you cannot do that
In a canvas of fallen leaves, arms of shooting petals and a falling parade of words
You cannot look at me
You cannot somewhere amongst the conventional passion of a sunset tell me you need me
You cannot show me how much you care in the silence so alive on a quiet country path full of historic lust, twisted brambles of fate and growing corners into tomorrow that beg for your new touch
You cannot here right now push me against sweet walls of amber and tell me how courageously you will fight for me
You cannot in a Tuscany summer strawberry breakfast come smell my scent to wake alive in the morning, glowing in the morning
You cannot fall asleep in my arms where a moon over looks the world
Anywhere
You cannot embark on trying to watch that moon distil its flavour on a lake side terrace of imagination – where fisher man lie their sailing swifts scattered on distinctive air of connection
Somewhere small and untransformed easily, somewhere difficult to reach by normal methods of loving
The water stills with joy at watching us fascinated by how we fit into each other
The perfect scenery
Blending with the midnight voucher we offer to pay the picture of ….. African fallacy
You cannot be my fantasy or be a part of my dreams
You cannot be a side of my order of romance or life
I cannot be…worth it

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Cotton clouds to Africa_(POW)



African green 2(POW)

Sitting down with flowers
On a sunbed of raining dreams
I imagine you know that the scent of our love
is pure sunrise floating in time








Friday, June 12, 2009

Deserve


Sometimes I think I don't deserve this

DO I deserve all this ?

what have I done to deserve ...all this

They are too kind

and I hide lies

they are too good

and I am not good

they are kind

and I am...spoilt

I think that I dont deserve this

but in all that it's there for and all that it is worth

Please God let me make them proud all the time

Please god

SOTP/Not open cuz it's closed(POW)




Art of 1 piece of paper











Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Am I?


that I didn't tell you
you exaggurated
and did not understand
i should have stayed quiet and had the upper hand
but then..I deserve
being late , being negligent, being warned
being...Spoilt
Spoilt - having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or oversolicitous attention
Am I spoilt?
I always say I am not spoilt
they ask how do you know ..you are not spoilt
I say because I am independant and confident and respect Life
but my actions tale spoilism
I forget, I neglect, I lengthen my responsibilities
I am protected by shields that I do not deserve
definitely do not deserve
I am sorry
I need to pay the price
I want to take more
from the store
of good deeds
I want to take more
and buy them under youth
under fancy
under sweet candy
under lace
not problematic
not noisy
never bitter
are you ....Sent, Pardoned, Offered, Involved, Let & Tamed
Am I spoilt?
_______________________
What is spoilt
Spending too much money
spending it irrationally
personality based on showing off and arrogance
just that
or can it be simply that people think you are
I don't want to be called spoilt
I dont want to be spoilt
I really dont

Sudan_Inlet of home(POW)


It just means peace


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I am reminded

I am reminded
Of all I want

Soft

Sweet

Tender

Forgiving...

...Very Forgiving

Passionately Forgiving

Over - standing

Not Under -standing

Wanting
...Wanting me
Deeply

I am reminded...
Of a family ''to be''
And protection from he
From you
I am reminded
When I see
Fully grown trees of beautiful families that I am lustfully jealous from
I write to remind myself
Of treasures I dream
That seem
Close...
But I am reminded
Of an isolated time ahead
And solitude rhyme I tread
Patterns of joy glisten silence
I am reminded of ...silent doors
And lonely floors of destined accommadation
All stake sweet latitude
And thin attidude
But I am reminded

He will never pay
You won't feel
You won't feel it

You will never say

I need to stay
From Today
Forever with you

Blood Stains


Wisdom of a Heartbreak
Tell me your Knowledge
Your methods are incredible
Never sufficing, though millions are uncontrollably induced to resuming your legend
Magnified portions of silent destruction - you blood stain kisses, hugs and tender touch
Weeping invisible creations of singularity
Tearing away the bonds threaded with precious emeralds of comfort
Lovers dangle unwilling to ever let go of the hard work of a -
Life Time
a sweated effort, a full grown trust
But you hypnotise a stanger into forever entering your world
Waking an ill treasure of following your rewards
People walk slowly behind your footsteps for a new dark chapter in their stolen lives...Interesting
The Pathway is moulded and scolded
Suddenly the Journey becomes hot and dry
Scorched with regret and sorrow
but now you don't allow them to borrow - their own tomorrow
Thirsty awakenings of begging to turn around
but you guarantee, no exit can be found
Heart break - you are wondrous
Awarded for catastrophical projects and thoughtful pain
Master webs of such intricate devotion - I envy your passion to cut Love

Tar in a Jar

This is a great example of the amount of Tar smokers lodge in their lungs monthly and yearly - Tar in a Jar in your lung - I hope it helps to dislodge that want to smoke

Undiscovered Diva

Diva - I don't understand why I cannot create a miracle
Just a small fancy glow of miracle particles from within myself - To be who I want to be - Not you - me
I cannot see why white, green and black swim and form a colour I have never revealed - my colour -
Myths of fantasies inside me
Dramas and Twists and I am never allowed to visualise the outcome
I know it's there - dancing and singing waiting to be
....... Discovered -
I AM... UNDISCOVERED






NOT LIKE THIS

I am not awakened in the morning by the sound of beauty and birds praying while the trees sway to a hum from the wind blowing magically and freely willingly thanking god for the trust and relaxation in nature that is just pure magic –
I am asleep when the sky sings with colours and the sun rises with its rays kneeling to begin a new day created to shine its working effortlessly but strongly to fulfil the light
I still don’t wake up when subconsciously my inner self screams out loud tearing the insides for me to notice, for me to understand how much I'm damaging myself and itself with what I’m doing
Falling to the ground its hates the way I am ‘relax’ unconscious and negligent
I am nowhere near the truth near the beauty near the destiny and near the energy that is wasted only by trying to make me see
Deep down my inner self is heartbroken at the jail I have put her in – this isn’t she what she was created to achieve was to pass mountains of work and years of hard success – she was supposed to be spending her time creating and imagining not breaking from the pain of seeing herself chained with confusion and sin
As I sleep without guilt her guilt tackles her to despair – her light begins to fade and her super powers begin to disappear
After all if you don’t use it you lose it
I turn around in my bed and notice that the sun has come out – suddenly – me and her mingle as my disappointment pours into my mind that I lost the battle once again
And she looks at me and her tears assemble her face
You have lost the battle once again
My eyes concentrate on the alarm clock – 9.35 but Morning Prayer should have been 6.00 am
When there was a wisp of angels in the air and a hint of heaven to repair all the open wounds in my soul –
Now they are left open to continue to hurt
She looks into my eyes and hates what I’ve done how I’ve damaged her like this how I’ve changed how everything should be - NOT LIKE THIS - I AM NOT LIKE THIS -

Khartoum College_A Student Outlook_POW

Picture of Words of a 7 Am start. The College is infused with the morning of Khartoums traffic horns, city beggars, cleaners, workers, guards and of course students - all encapsulated by the waking central sun.

5 Hadiths - Fulfilling the meaning
















The Love I search( 2)(POW)

Warrior Prince & Satin Princess

Same Purples...Different Meanings (POW)



Purple is the Colour of Royalty and using it like so, can make YOU -
A woman of great power -
1st and 3rd picture of words uses purple for its beautiful velvet nature and strong whisk of elegance, while the same purple in the 2nd picture only looks determiningly sharp and frankly boring; concentrating on something not Royalty.
Staying islamic, modest & conservative, while fully explaining your body using any colours and designs as well as fashion, modernity, art and strength -
They can all be one. YOU-

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Blurred Diva

I

AM

BLURRED



Pull ur life back...can you do that?


you might ask me - why is it so hard to do something so small
i might say - I don't know
and act like you didn't spear me with your words
but in fact I do know and you did... hurt me very deeply

I am surrounded by not just this
but so many other thoughts, fears, troubles and scars
I am not just this
I am more... much more
But I know that no one sees me that way
they see someone who should just.... do that one small thing

I can't change this bad thing in me
and every day - it's a stuggle
I am pained and cannot understand why I have left it
escape
run
get kidnapped
you know...when you close doors
and shut windows
and force your eye sight to everything else except what you are afraid of
it's easier
you know - when you don't have the power to

S

T

O

P

, and

P

U

L

L

Pull back the rope still being thrown
because at the end of that hanging forgotten system
is

Y

O

U

R


L

I

F

E

Pull your life back


B

A

C

K

The City...Modernised Nature POW

Picture of Words how cities look defined with Life, Technology, Existence, Traffic, Parks, Water, Bridges, New Becomings, Hotels, Structure and Morning Breakfast

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Unrequited Coffee


I drink the whisps of ending

Aromatic flavours of heartbreak

The next chapter to reveal new awakenings of tears
Empty tables support intention, distention of fears

Secret winding stairs jump latitude to reach useless prosperous dreaming

Tormented strength of nourishment - The caffeine drug lifts me and I dance effortlessly into pain

Exhibiting my veins to Love and turmoil circling the spoon of fate - I wait... surrounded by friends of paused chairs and silently talking windows cleaning my shadow, shining my hollow

Would you like something else? My coffee is cold and I would rather have tea -a change I see - let me taper and melt between brown and black colours spelt with red - anything to save me

Here you are - the time is handed on the fee - it's a long time I see

The more you pay and the longer you stay -

The more debt you loan, the more sad memories you own

The harder you make it to forget, the stronger is the regret

If your Love is unrequited, you will never be invited - To Live

Your Coffee does not have a reason to work, its cells unable to correct tiredness from remembering his taste,it's taste no longer filfilling enjoyment of wanting him, its smell powerless to erase the phase of loving him, its thickness too light to thicken strength of forgetting him, its taste bland to resist temptation of kissing him, its components lacking function of a beautiful connection- just an unrequited addiction... of Loving him unsuspended

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -