Saturday, March 31, 2012

POW_ the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time

POW_please wash away this thought


cover 2.... the only girl

yes i do
i do
i do
i do
i want to be the only girl you love
the only girl you want
the only girl you can think of
i want to be the only girl for you
the only girl you know understands you
and feels whole when around you

i want to be the only girl you ask
and the only girl you need
and the only girl you know
is yours

i want to be the only girl you dream of and
wake up in the morning and cannot wait to see
and tlak to
and make sure she's alright

i want to be the only girl that makes you smile wide
and laugh deep
and heartache for

Khartoum Heart....mend 1

marriage on my mind
the scent of bakhoor on soft white skin
and the drawing of black curls of mystery you can follow them all over a dusked body
in sandal smoke
warpped in red satin pearled with flowers , silk flowers, gold
touched by gold

marriage on my mind
i let the train so far away from red, gold and softness carry me into this boringword
of green, blue and normal

the speed of the hightrain is not able to whisk me far from my dreams
instead it brings me to them
i let my weight light for a second onthis roller coaster journey of body here and mind there and soul somewhere in beween
what is it that you want
why do you feel forever alone
or do you  need someone to tell you , you are forever alone

countryside whips by, lights barely hold my eye
i cannot concentrate excpet in this eerie collection of unknown places
but wanting things i do not have
and for a minute
for even less than a minute
it was in my control

if i want i can have
i deserve to have
if i want

marriage on my mind
comecloser and stop this madness of foreign attitude
why do i alienate my thoughts so badly
why do i run continents just to dance
just to smell dilka evenings and bakhoor mornings merging into the afternoon hibiscus . shimering with iceand topped with perfect red velvet cake velvet and red with love and red food colouring proud next to red satin and the sweet wave of mbcdrama in the background of a khartoum sunset and cardamon hot tea in the missing hour when it is not too early and not too late - its hard to perfect but here it is perfected just before the nightfully deepens and outside ideas are created ...or not but stars follow us no matter where we go until the night sinks and sinks and it is twilight it is forever still it is believably beautiful it is the queit of romance and the moon shines us both

Thursday, March 29, 2012

let me tell you

let me tell you the reason for my ipmurities
living a dream and faking my realities
broken in half and letting all goodness seep
i weep i weep i weep

let me ask myself 
why it is so
why is it so hard for me to go
where it is i want to be
or is it just becausae i cannot see

so i do not believe
unless i see
i do not believe

let me tell you what i want
i want....
the woman inside me to grow
and take control ofthis broken show
and stop this misery
this trackless flow
of shadow

let me tell you what it is i see
a woman so lost she is in the centre of darkness
although she knows the way out
she takes the route of mess
and then she cries
and cries

Graphs of Life 2

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Graphs of Life 1

cmon now....think!

Tell me not to burn and I will only light in the fire of your eyes
your glimmering voice of dusken embankment on a paris fall

Tell me not to sink and I will happily drown in your words bay
falling through the verbs that make me whole and heavy with love

Tell me not have and I will only want to have it all , your all
holding the night away from darkness, pulling the light near my soul

Tell me not to say it, and I will only want to say that I love you
more than anything in this world, more than anything outside of this world

in strange places I try find you
this mesmerising piece of future
and yet i desperately search the past
for i would look anywhere and
i would go anywhere
if i knew where to go

with a broken heart i walk to you
becasue I am damaged from the intensity of your invisibility
a part of me is strong and knows to wait
a part of me screams like a child
a child without their favourite toy


in imaginative continents i fly the earth for you
I beat all romance for you
I shine all heartbeats that desire
I flaw all stories
I break all mysteries
and I make all love rewritten
just for your touch

with a callless tonight
i think
if i believe you are somewhere
then i can think
what are you doing right now?

if i dont believe then
the historic nighttale continues........

cover 1

sometimes what you want most s what destroys you
sometimes what you need most is what you really dont think about
sometimes what you  have to have is what you should really stay away from
sometimes what  you think you desire is not what you think it really is
sometimes you are wrong

Monday, March 26, 2012

DO not lie to yourself

calm down
calm down
you know this breaking point dont u?
you know this is the time that you either go left or right
front or back
good or bad
dark or light
fail or succeed

this is it

the point just before titanic breaks in half
or the calm before the storm
or the point in any movie when the monster jumps at the girl from behind the bushes or killer

that point of unknown dread and silence and knowledge that here
soemthing bad is about to happen but you dont know even though you do

So please get out

when you can and dont lie to yourself
you are not strong
you are not smart
and you are definieteky not going to win if you keep repeating the obvious terrible drama

 DO not lie to yourself 

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Interesting choice of words

It is in the moments of our decision making where our destiny is shaped by the Qadr of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) (glorified and exalted be He).

shake , shake , shake all your heaviness away

I think to myself  there are 2 really important dreams that i want
out of those 2, 1 I can achieve right now, one Icanget right now
God has given everything i need to get it to have it
and he has abled me to do it

and yet i cry
i scream
i beg for the other

like a silly child

I think
If he gave me this then Ido not want it
I only want what i do not have

and yet today i was hurt

i thought
I am in the background because i decided to be
I am in the background because this is how hard i tried

I think
am I
missing to be on the top??


and yet i am missing everything



Saturday, March 24, 2012

thank you god for these dreams

I think why do ifeel like this
like game over
is it because i treat myself like game over
or is it because the game really has been lost

but this game is not like any game you can restart
have one
and your lifeline will end

your points wil be counted
your game will be over

one day

and then maybe
maybe you will sit in beautfiul arrays of dusken calm
the world life and worry not in your vocabularly
and you look out to the ocean
breathing and feeling right
and thinking

why do i vaguely remember this
and you wont know then

but you know now its because
one day you dreamed you would go
you dreamed you had one more chance
and you dreamed you'd take it and you did
and then

you dont know the answers because you dont need to
and because you have done right

but now
now you know there is a place
you are sitting on a white couch with silk satin curtains overlooking an ocean of heaven and you watch the everlasting sunset glisten on your soul

your true soul

and I think

how do i do it?

its time to drum life and art into faith into me

I have failed my deen
all that is healthy and smart
i have failed my religion
all that is wise and good
I have failed my deen
all that beautiful and clean
I have failed my talents
all that god gave me to prove
worthy of his choice for me
that i am doing very well
becauuse out of so many other simple humans
he chose me to be better
to have better
to know better

and yet

i choose the untamed
i choose the faulty
i choosethe blind

like blind misery i take the mess
i dont pass the test of believing in islam like i can
like i should
like i fear God's....God's.....God

yes, how many words have i used in the past all amounting to the same meaning

how important
this faith

I find condition in the unconditional pain
i think i must have to prove a point of love

I find understanding in the misunderstanding i preach
to cry tears of confused emotions

i find representation in the unrepresentated category of my despair and turmoil bleeding agony
of a life
worth i tihnk

not becasue it is not a nice life
or a sweet life

but becasue i am running
without losing sin
i am jumping all the wrong obstacles
i am running in the wrong direction

oh how i love to say
oh how i love to be
oh how i wish i could be better

wrte for a better cause
be a better person
think a stronger demand
fulfill an honest dream
commit a beautiful dawn

know a wonderful me
change the insides i disgust
into something i trust

and desire desire all my life

all my wasted life

ya allah
ya allah
ya rahman
ya rahman

Friday, March 23, 2012

a terrible smell 2

am i held down?
if icould see it all
fell it all hear it all
am i held down
with chains
with masks
wth ropes
with stares
wth terrible smells
and i dont even feel it?
if i could see
would it be awful
or wonderful
that smell
would it be made
or would it fade
am i held down ?
am i delibrately being broken
is somene stelaing my time 
or am i letting my time being stolen
am I pooror rich?
am i young or old
well what do i feel like?
i feel old
and i feel poorer
because i have given it all away
all awy
and just took the terrible smell

a terrible smell 1

Lost in the balance of life
Lost in the balance of it all 
wanting it all
happy and sad at the same time 
impatient and mad
Lost in the balance of life
 Lost in the balance of want and shame
the balance of love and tries
the fall from grace
the fall from time 
the smell of disgust
not nowing where its from
but iknow its from somewhere in me
on me
around me
I owe
and apology
to someone 


Thursday, March 22, 2012

one day_ in the future I Will dance for you_ Khartoum Heartmend

Here i am dreaming of seduction and a tale of a dancing ever after
I will look good and strong
and i will be powerful and temptation will be my crown
I will throne the pace of tradition and make even myself envious of his stare
and  Iwill  be expensive and scented with mystery and elegance
but i will also be explicitly dangerous and a clear illusion to all

I will be the one in his heart
the only one he can see
and the only one he wants to be
complete with
and watch
and smile about
and be around
and love

and  Iwill be shining and colourful
but shaded with white and black of simplicity
yet my simplicity is complex and unproducable by ony1 else
Iwill be so unique it hurts
and so new it will be imprinted on cells and minds for years to come

Iwill be the one far entering as near as possible to near peoples awe
Iwill be the one he fantasises about
and cant leave without
and will leave iwth

I will be the dancer
the queen
the only one with the stage
and Iiwll make it a stage to be remembered
and a stage to forgive me later
for all i put it through
but it will forgive me

i wil be the woman he watns
the one he desires
the one his heart beats frantically for
the one he wants to touch
the one he wants to kiss
the one he cannot stop wantin
for less than a second

and in that less than a second
he is making new feelings for me
and he is sinking into me
every new second he breathes

for Iam the dancer that will encapsulate his world
and change his mind
and make him weak
and bring him down to a show
of mine
a show of trust and unity
a show of pleasureful movements and innnocent meanings

subtle love
flirting with time
meaning the other when you mean hte same
Imean you
yes Imean you to see
I mean you to catch me
for iWant you to control me
Iwant you to have me
and i want you to own me

but if i do goal you
then I will only catch you with my kiss
and i will only control you with my smile
and i will only have you always
and i will only own you forever

crazy attention
blissful memories made
automatic concentration with the concentrate of wedding feel
stops and waves into a dramatic existence of drums and vocal
my heart is beating faster for you
my voice is deepening from shortness of breath

Iwant you


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

no more obsessions

Yeah, fasting is medicine
beautiful medicine
amazing love
and true patience

fasting is a present and a virtue God gave us

I think to myself
pray for what you want
don'tdream of it
pray for it

what you pray for is always near
for God is kind
god is merciful
god is forgiving

I think
what is it that I want
for a while i forgot

actually for a long time i forgot

and now
its all coming back to me
ive stopped hypnotising myself
im untolerated to madness
and im calm

its all coming back to me because my
i can actually hear my thoughts and
ic an actually hear my heartbreats
and i let myself
i let myself damage
i let myself


i think
this feels right
debt must be paid
god must be feared
but god must be loved

i think
how can i expect love
when i havnt even been loving God
its l ike asking for an A in an exam when you dont even know what the exam is on
No that is wrong
for an A in anything
inluding God love
you must try
you must do the work

and yes be happy in themiddle of it
but you must do the work
and you must love patience

for patience is beautiful
patience is strong
like a warrior
to help you win anything you want

Monday, March 19, 2012

I pray that one day I have hope

I pray
that one day
I will feel this free

I pray that one day
I will look as wide as Ican
and Iwill see not just what i can touch
but what i can feel
and I will see the hope in the sky
and the stars that lay by
and the love that is mine

that one day
I will
fall in love
with natures fall into true beauty
and honesty
and faith

I pray that one
day my faith looks amazing
and exceptional
and strong
and yet delicate

Ipray that my eyes will forgive me
like the way the colours and shades coexist undeniably and
empower a soft story

Ipray that one day
I am calm like the white water here
it has no fear
to wave it lost
I pray that one
there is no cost

and life will be free
just filled with a glow of a sunset dream

coming true 

14 hours and 12 minutes

what could i have done in that time
I could have slept or watched TV
I could have watched nearly 7 movies
or 14 music albums and then some
I could have wrote a story ,a book maybe!

I could have learned a surah or two in the quran
matter of fact i could have learned a lot of surahs
i could have studied my college studies
and i could have done excercise
I could have lost weight

I could have baked a cake or biscuits though
and i could have painted a beautiful picture
or tried
i could have started to learn sign language
or I could have started and finished the ECDL course

I could have croched a scarf
or I could have done 14 million tasbeehs
Ioculd have wrote a song and madethe tune by guitar and that song would be lovely

I could have walked out and gone shopping
or I could have just stayed home and been happy
I could have prayed 14 hours of praying and asking GOd for what i want
I mean statistically 14 more hours of asking God something is a higher chance of getting it

I just want to know
in those 14 hours and 12 minutes
WHAT have i gained
later when my account adds up in judgement
what will it offer me in points?
in love?
in goodness?
if it was one hour a week okay i wouldnt fail
but 14 hours and 12 minutes
thats a days minus 10 hours

thats a day

So I'm living 6 days a week really instead of 7
I've erased a day that god gave me and i have given it to a company
i've taken nearly 24 hours of my life and even though they say its free
ive paid that price
of 14 hours
or 840 minutes

840 minutes
and 12
thats 852 minutes
ive given away

for what?
just tell me for what?

if i gave 52 minutes and kept the 800 myself wouldnt that be beautiful

but even now i thnk to myself
these minutes are precious hope
there will come a day where i will have no minutes no hours
and i will have all this wasted time on a pile next to me
useless to me

literally useless

Eman 1

I forget you
selfish of me
but i never thought what if you were here and i was the one gone
I wonder would u be better than I


I remember you today
and the reason is not nice
but the result is beautfiul
I wonder if u see me
would you be proud im your sister

I never had a sister
I forget you
because i dont deserve you
but maybe just maybe

we have a memory together
and maybe just maybe one
day i will see you again

I hope you dont hate me
I hope you dont miss me
I hope you dont even care

because I dont deserve to have such a beautiful sister like you
a long time ago
i could blame being young
but i could blame being selfish

being glad

I wish I could have a daughter and name her after you
you are the secret princess
the true tears
the magnificent youth that is not here

please help me
you are in heaven
please ask God to help me
I beg you

Sunday, March 18, 2012

a beautiful mud yard prayer

amidst a sweet maghrib the azans call for prayer - loud beautiful meaningful happy proud alive romantic intimidiatin refreshing calming amazing

she prays for me
please let what i twant happen

please let me start all over again

ido not deserve these prayers
here i am
tormenting the angels to accept or not to accpet
for they see a prayer
but they cannot take it
because i do not deserve it

I am a selfish girl
Iam an arrogant woman
i am decieving and cunning
and deeply bitter

all those words are on the opposite scale of an angels request
and so the prayer gets cancelled
even though the woman who prays is beautiful
is kind
and sweet and is probablydeserving of that prayer a million times
i do not deserve her or her prayers for me

Iam ugly
I am innerly ugle and thus i am a million times more ugly on the outside
Iam unbeautiful
I am lost
i am so lost

i dont even know who i am anymor
its like i have been cut
ino tiny pieces

and then put back all in the wrong place
i am confused and even saying that is selfish
becasue i shouldnt be confused
god gave me this lvoely fiath to take care of
and to keep becasue he saw something in me
but i destryoed it just like
youre doing very well is destroyed
i dont deserve anything
i dnt deserve anything


here is the definition _ you do not apply

“Certainly will the believers have succeeded:
They who are during their prayer humbly submissive

And they who turn away from ill speech

And they who are observant of Zakah

And they who guard their private parts

And they who are to their trusts and their promises attentive

And they who carefully maintain their prayers”

I think that i am none of those
in the definition of al muminoon its pure and simple this is what a mumin does
and i dont do any of that
so simply how can i be a muslim?

Friday, March 16, 2012

I collect untitled mess

The seasons news is that im in pain
pain caused by myself
by dreams going wrong
by dreams going right yet
and now i am going to be in a new season
a new series of joy and tears
 loss and heartbreak
misery and sorrow
love and ......


 every time you commit yourself to a story
you give it a part of you
and that part never comes back
for me anyway

 you are upset because you are better than this
you are stronger and you are wiser
you should know better
you should want better
and you should have better
you are upset because from the strong dancer you have become weak loser


I wish I could turn back time
turn back the time I was better
turn back the time I was proud
I was i Was kinder to God
I have no mercy towards him now
so why should he have mercy on me

where is hope and my destiny and my love

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -