The design of my life 3

Love of fun and faith

tuna candles... one could call them!

but I like to be more intricate in letters and call it

design of life and circular attention of gentle light

 and new falls of 

love

in a place... tempting

with burnt orange

... and painted lust

for i trust 

his hanging grandeur to hold me in place

and I want to be together with him

designing and creating 

forever
what could also be called
pineapple candles...
what a sweet man
Im so glad God put him in my plan

.....

The design of my life 2

at 00.19 I imagine a home with a wonderful man one who makes me smile and has a perfect way of making me feel better
kissing my hand like he wants to and believing in me and that somewhere deep inside me, there is a woman good , a woman smart and a woman young
I want to design my life around his happiness make him chocolate souffles
and he would tell me all is going to be perfect
when hes not right im not right and when hes not happy theres no way I can be happy
I depend on his rythym to create mine
I hope I can bake all sweet things for him
and let him eat healthily and let him simply be mine
Because I love the way he talks and smiles and laughs and I just love him
grand design of my life I hope I can make a circle bookshelf one day
I think its pretty cool and different
and when im with him im amazingly different
just in another world
and in another timefield
wishing he would never go
wishing he would turn pages with me .....

and never stop

The design of my life

I dream of design

simple and easy

different and exotic 

like how mangoes are in the streets of Khartoum

yellow with wisdom

smelling sexy and wild

I wish there be hope

the one inside me 

the one within my soul and heart

to make things right 

to say the right things

that never upset anyone 

but always make them feel well

for I feel like i make people feel ill

because my mind is wrong

and my heart is not strong

and the way my art is
is confusing

and my true shape
is unknown

and the graphs of soul

are hidden

I wonder if a clock made with picture frames

all different shapes and sizes and colours and

 wonderful pictures

of  M & A

of Family

of children

of smiles

of flowers

of Sudan..the sunset and sunrise over a broken down river Nile

old with destruction

new with hope

that has just moved into it

would be one way to be colourful

and intricate with new beginnings 

?

Khartoum heartmend _ imagining things...

I wish I could feel free from all my inabilities and sanctions against myself
God I have so many dreams all opened by an amazing man
but really ive always had those dreams i just didnt know how to make them
or feel them or hold them the right way
i wish I could wear my life in my hand then maybe that way i wouldnt be able to hold anyhting else
like fears or worries
i imagine


coming to you again dear God and thanking you in your

home
I wont forget i will come
inshallah
with him and i will show him to you and say look and thank you


these days im not praying very well skipping and starting and sleeping and not waking on time
but i promise i will change a part likke the way i used to be and a part even better

i want to become this woman even i dont know
beautiful because shes kind
rich because of her heart colour
blind to the world but the world is not blind to her
one ready to form emotions truthful and emotions blissful
not for her
but for someone who deserve them
and i imagine


red velvet cake on a summers day - with birds chirping and baskets of flowers and plants hanging maybe white maybe pink
magazines with fashion lie silently on the glass table bought yesterday still unread today but beautiful they look and a dress peacock with life turquioses life into a drawing i can only imagine
for it seems hard to make real
i dont know where to find red food colouring in sudan
lately this is my most common statement
what is missing in sudan?
my heart aches at my selfishness and impurities
because the real question should be
what isnt missing in sudan?
family
sun
love
love
love
love
love
helping people
noise
khartoum lights at night
barking dogs at night
winter cold
dry cold
eva honey
sting cheese
life

the only thing missing in sudan is me

sudan is a light in darkness
my passion for sudan is long old
ive loved it since forever
in love and passion with khartoum at night
and the sound of refrigerators sleeping at 3am
obsessed with the peace one has at night that becomes invisible in the morning to crazy traffic and insane people baked like my red velvet cake in the sun

amazing times can be created

ive always asked sudan to forgive me for going
for living away from its mud and dirt and hours
ive always asker my home to ....
to make me one of hers
to make me a part of her land
to not forget i am one of her birth
and i thought she hated me for leaving
and never wanted me back
but now i think she wants me to stay forever
for she has opened her african roots and heat to me
this time with honesty and love and passion
i never could imagine
near the river nile waking i sleep
and sleeping i wake
to the smell of african sunsets
this time the right time
with hot cardemon tea and
.....an amazing man


my home has fed me good things and i feel forgiven by its soul

 

Be.....be natural,,,,be beautiful

I dream
I live
I aspire
I collect strength
I fly

I will be a new hope
with a new scent
and that works hard and tries her real best
love for faith - even if at 3 am at 4 am
I used to think before there are always more faithful ones than me
it made me never really believe in myself
but now now i think
yes there are very good people too
but I am my own goodness and it is what I do and all else doesnt matter
have good strong opinion be wise be strong but be sweet be mature be hopeful be natural
caring  honestly to others and then to yourself
if you really cared for your self it
would show
and you would know
how pretty and happy you really can be
be loving but be daring be promising be magnetic be attractive
be natural - simply be kind be easy
energetic - oh live live for moving your body and twisting into activity
fun to be with to see to hear to talk to be around
entertaining to life - live your life and nobody elses and not for anybody else
except God 

Khartoum Heart....mend 1

marriage on my mind
the scent of bakhoor on soft white skin
and the drawing of black curls of mystery you can follow them all over a dusked body
in sandal smoke
warpped in red satin pearled with flowers , silk flowers, gold
touched by gold

marriage on my mind
i let the train so far away from red, gold and softness carry me into this boringword
of green, blue and normal

the speed of the hightrain is not able to whisk me far from my dreams
instead it brings me to them
i let my weight light for a second onthis roller coaster journey of body here and mind there and soul somewhere in beween
what is it that you want
why do you feel forever alone
or do you  need someone to tell you , you are forever alone

countryside whips by, lights barely hold my eye
i cannot concentrate excpet in this eerie collection of unknown places
but wanting things i do not have
and for a minute
for even less than a minute
it was in my control

if i want i can have
i deserve to have
if i want

marriage on my mind
comecloser and stop this madness of foreign attitude
why do i alienate my thoughts so badly
why do i run continents just to dance
just to smell dilka evenings and bakhoor mornings merging into the afternoon hibiscus . shimering with iceand topped with perfect red velvet cake velvet and red with love and red food colouring proud next to red satin and the sweet wave of mbcdrama in the background of a khartoum sunset and cardamon hot tea in the missing hour when it is not too early and not too late - its hard to perfect but here it is perfected just before the nightfully deepens and outside ideas are created ...or not but stars follow us no matter where we go until the night sinks and sinks and it is twilight it is forever still it is believably beautiful it is the queit of romance and the moon shines us both

one day_ in the future I Will dance for you_ Khartoum Heartmend

Here i am dreaming of seduction and a tale of a dancing ever after
I will look good and strong
and i will be powerful and temptation will be my crown
I will throne the pace of tradition and make even myself envious of his stare
and  Iwill  be expensive and scented with mystery and elegance
but i will also be explicitly dangerous and a clear illusion to all

I will be the one in his heart
the only one he can see
and the only one he wants to be
complete with
and watch
and smile about
and be around
and love

and  Iwill be shining and colourful
but shaded with white and black of simplicity
yet my simplicity is complex and unproducable by ony1 else
Iwill be so unique it hurts
and so new it will be imprinted on cells and minds for years to come

Iwill be the one far entering as near as possible to near peoples awe
Iwill be the one he fantasises about
and cant leave without
and will leave iwth

yes
I will be the dancer
the queen
the only one with the stage
and Iiwll make it a stage to be remembered
and a stage to forgive me later
for all i put it through
but it will forgive me

yes
i wil be the woman he watns
the one he desires
the one his heart beats frantically for
the one he wants to touch
the one he wants to kiss
the one he cannot stop wantin
for less than a second

and in that less than a second
he is making new feelings for me
and he is sinking into me
every new second he breathes

for Iam the dancer that will encapsulate his world
and change his mind
and make him weak
and bring him down to a show
of mine
a show of trust and unity
a show of pleasureful movements and innnocent meanings

subtle love
flirting with time
meaning the other when you mean hte same
Imean you
yes Imean you to see
I mean you to catch me
for iWant you to control me
Iwant you to have me
and i want you to own me

but if i do goal you
then I will only catch you with my kiss
and i will only control you with my smile
and i will only have you always
and i will only own you forever

crazy attention
blissful memories made
automatic concentration with the concentrate of wedding feel
stops and waves into a dramatic existence of drums and vocal
my heart is beating faster for you
my voice is deepening from shortness of breath

Iwant you

I
want
you