Sunday, September 30, 2012

Last day of September

I feel alive with freedom and beautiful time
Knowing that if I think about it I
can save
my life
rushing I cannot do
but doing thhings correctly is the correct thing to do
Ya Rab I ask that anything I wear makes me look
as I never want to feel unbeautiful again

In the last day of September I try again
Im not what I thought I was but I didnt think I would be where I am now
happy promising
regretful of not working hard but adamant never to do the same mistake again
In the last day of September I queitly type in a glass room
with natures green and weak sunshine by my side
its a little cold and dreary but to me its like the sky is fresh and air is satin
I can breathe
I can smile
in the background dubbed turkish series run , I have no clue about the story line
but my ears understand a problem
My eyes are concentrating on my own story
a beautiful story one that needsliving
to its max
In the last day of September I ask myself
how precious is a healthy life to you ?

it is very precious
in every aspect and corner and miscelllaneous area
and I know nothing will be right unless I live healthy and well
within myself and then around me
my body is...delicious
and my heart is sweeter than my mind but my mind does have to do regular inspections for breaks that let the devil in and so does not have the time to spa and relax
Except I am going to give it my all to take more of its shoulders
my mind is a creative haven waiting to be .....discovered
and given full credit

but it also is a vast space of earthly land waiting to be grown
and sown
and taken care of
so that it brings out what you want it to think

I'm thinking
i must control my emotions not them control me
i must live every day with good intention
and learn from others and must give positive before negative
or even avoid negative
I must bounce with glee
and I must be free from all chains of misery
and I'm thinking
I must strengthen my faith and
treat it with detail
and give it its full attention and exceptional promotion
to the most important areas of my soul

aaaa my soul
my soul is the last level
the final adventure
the only piece in me that glows
and shows
a reflection of who i really am
I think you can hide whats on your mind
whats inside your heart

but not your soul
and so in the last day of Spetember
I'm thinking
my soul is my truth
and I must have truth

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Destination: Elegance

This is the elegance im looking for , the war im trying to fight myself for
this is the lack of drama i need, the peace of mind I  want to succeed
living and breathing with hope
true hope
in a cold air of true life dreams
this is the place i wana go
and the image i wana show
of life and love and control
and elegance
and calm
serenity in every piece inside me
and tranquility around
not this humongous lifeless shadow i live now
Ya Rab tomoro will be hte last firday here
i have to eat so much to not throw it out
but i Would feel worse if i had to throw it all out
Ya Rab help me
and suppport me in all I do
 I am useless in managing my life

I need to recover
I need to live
I need my things to go well but before anything I need me to go well
Ya rAb
I need you so much
please help me
please ya Rab I need you
more than anything
to help me live my dreams
the ones small and big
tall and medium
xtra large
and super size
I know
I know
I can only be beautiful if I feel it
so please let me feel it
and let me feel like someone else can feel it
and let me know it deep in my heart
that you send me that man from heaven 

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Signed.....Turned on the lights

I know youre here and I wont let you take my lifefrom me
yo uare triyng and I will fight back
all my problems
all my problems
are solvable
all of them are just tricks
all of them are God seeing how good I am
I wil fight you pathetic devil
and I will take advantage of all my resources
because in the first time I am excited and havea chance to be happy
and have a chance to start over
and lesson learnt
I will make myself beautiful inside to out
not for anyone excpet me and then the one
the one that Gods sends me the one that I am right for
the one that loves me
and makes me feel perfect and a beautiful woman
becasue I am
but he has the key to say so
I will make myself beautiful for hm
the one I want to be kind to
and smile to
and make happy and most importantly
the one that wants to need me
and be near me
becasue he wants to foerver
nothing else
its just simple
youre not in the equation
and I am winning how many times have there been crises a lot
I hope God protects me from them
but if they come
you are not the solution
you are only the accelerator to pain
you are the catalyst
you cannot make me do anyhting but if you can affect me
and I wont let you
never ever again
I am everyday stronger htan before and I will shake you when yo utry to stick
liek now
those were not the solutions
and I saw that

Signed... Turned on the lights

The last time from this small place

Sometimes you never know when the last time is
but I know this is the last time Ill be writing from this computer
I feel aware of all my surroundings
It hurts but Im glad im escaping
it burns but its like a cool breeze
Im desperate to find myself and to change myself
Im adamant to become someone else
I didnt try my best here
there are so many things I could have done in such a small place
I could have reached to the world
there are so many things I could have discovered and adapted
I didnt do that and I know that
I learnt one very important thing
and that is if you enter something anything
you must do it right
you must put your all
but you must be kind and good
what i wasnt
Ya Rab
let my last times be better be easier be happier be less suffocating
be more...romantic
I want to be more romantic
to the right thing
God Im sorry
Im just so sorry 

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Dont get tangles in the technicalities of LIfe
Dont be hypnotied by dark days
see its bright today
dont forget your OWN aims and not others
Dont be forgetful of the help God can give

Monday, September 24, 2012

my eat pray love

Its a rainy gloomy morning
queit and there arnt a lot of people boarding trains or walking near me
I have to check my watch to make sure It's the right time
Am I an hour early, an hour late?
no its the right time
its just a calm day
I ask myself
is it the right time to be sad?
why am I sad?
why am I diasspointed
am I a weak terrible person if  I dont want to be here?
if I want to be somewhere else
I ask myself
why am I tryin to squeeze myself in a container I just will never fit in
not now anyway
I ask myself
Is it really a disaster
Is it really a mess?
or is it exactly what ive been praying for coming true
didnt I ask for this
that by next Ramadan I would be.......
well there are logistics to it Hope
I ask myself
there is one scene I like from eat pray love
where she is eating somewhere in an empty apartment , traffic in the background but calm inside,  eating a warm, delicious emotional and colourful breakfast
its like she is at pause with life and love and meaning
and the world can just wait

I want to experience that
with all my foods
I want to eat everything and feel healthy  and strong
through wisdom of choice and glamorous expeditions of taste

I want to pray delightfully kindly meaningfully romantically
I want to learn how to pray correctly and teach my self  the coordinations with the heavens and a 2pm hot omdurman afternoon

I want to love
with all my heart and extensions of mind and soul
I want to be loved
honestly and kindly
simply and innocently
and right
I want it to be and feel right
no conditions attached
except love

so i decided on one of the last gloomy london mornings - I ll be here
rain dripping from the sky
tyres encircled with water making an open sound of cold
that I will begin my own
eat pray love

beginning with the end of a life I do not want
and starting a journey of self finding and beauty

to be continued................

this is what i wrote just 4 days ago so why is 4 decades away now?

if I went
aaaaa if  I went  wouldnt know where to begin with happinness and a life portal of home existence and independance with family yet myself, teaching myself to live young and strong

5 goals

Ya  Rab im sorry for buying sunglasses and other things
no matter waht i wont forget you
you are the reason im happy and living
you are the reason im strong and healthy
ya RAb please dont take my health away
please help me and save me
and change me and change my settings
and change all my accounts
of love , of life, of career, of meaning
nothing is breaking my heart than knowing i lack meaning
ya Rab I ask you to make me the one
for someone
this is my true and only dream
 i want to be that woman for him
i dont want it to be hard or meaningless
Ya rab this is the most important things to me
apart fro myou
i want to give it my all
im ready to do that 
please help me
please let my ramadan prayers work
please forgive me
please help me tomoro and tuesday
please dont let me feel ashamed
please let me be proud for I am hurt that i couldnt make my parents proud
please let me make them proud
please let me find all the reasons im alive
like being a muslim is one
or being someone with kindness
if i learnt anything from C
its to be a good heart
i really dont have that
and if im wrong in my judgement fine
but i dont have a good heart

there are aims i want to do

one - to find my good heart
two - to empower my health
three - to find my love
four -  to be happy
five - to remain as faithful as ramadan

Sunday, September 23, 2012

THe first letters of white

the first time I write from  here , here
I feel promoted yet i dont know where zurich is
I feel ashamed
and yet I feel proud
I feel so weak
and yet I feel strong
I feel I dont deserve
and yet i feel I do
I feel honest but i feel like ive decieved
I feel like im in just the wrong place
I want to do so much more in my life
I want to feel better
I want to stay determined
I want to live young everyday fresh with a meaning
when I go, If i go
i want to look at myself in the mirror and say ive tried
for I know its trying that is the most important
I also want to stick to a dream
amazing how when God puts me on the path to this dream that ive been dying for
I forget it
devil get out
im smarter than you
Ramadan is not far
aims have not deteriorated
not they are here
I can still scent them
their fire
their passion
their lust
everything i desire
is waiting for me
i dont want this and this and this
i just want that
to be an emotional girl with feelings like waves and a heart that beats miraculously and true
for the one above and other

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I can hear it in their voice
I hope I can change that
if I cant that is what will break my heart
that pain of irreversible dissapointment

Listening to my heart

beating excessively so nervous to do the right thing
say the right thing
be the right one
empty choices ahead of me waiting to be filled

only God knows what the future holds
that I believe in
it is not up to anyone but him

close to the fork now
the road is forking so soon

Im at the edge now
Im at the far edge now
I decided a long time back I would fight till the end
this is what I am doing
this is where I am giong
for myself
my faith
my family
and Sudan 

Ya Rab
this is for you andfamily
help me
help me
be the right one
its not for winning
or competition
or selfishness
or arrogance

it is simply an opportunity

Listening to Mango

very far away there is a mango day
In Sudan streets they listen maybe attentionless to the happinness that the radio brings
to me
through the nile intersections and yellow taxis
the same voices blare through to african souls
like me
I listen to music brought through lines and waves and maybe nothing

just magic
to my ears
on a day where I need all the support I can get
and love from my country

Ya rab let me make them proud
even though they dont know
that  I am here all this way thinking abuot them

listening to them
i hope I can make a difference to them
 ya Rab

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

cold coffeee

U always feel fallen
you always feel like youve said the wrong thing
done the wrong thing
even if so
aaaggghhh!!! Shut up!
just stop it
and calm

you can do anything you want if you become a warrior and not a worrier

thats believe in yourself and  think of the hardwork you must do
dont dont falter dont minature yourself
after all do come in xtra large
so why
why a small now ??

white ....White reflects goodness
 and I'm good

 to be continued

Beautiful Dream part 5

It's in the elegance , the correct use of smiling and faith and its in how much you believe in yourself and how you present yourself, how you dress, how you wear, how you collect and thus how much truth you hold, you can make yor dreams real only if you live
A beautiful Dream
I plan to be
no moretears
I plan to see
all my wishes 
i plan to make
beautifaly true
and no longer fake
sussed out will be
all those intentions
that make me the same
with no different attention
beautiful dreams i plan to seek
and I never want to again weep
over spilled tears that i can no longer take back
prayers that ive asked for that were not in my track
beautiful it is to see a dream
with all its image and ease when it gleams
and I plan to be beatiful
always and better
and im sorry only that I could not have been stronger
but this year
is a beautiful expansion
of a new future 
of the real
beautiful dream

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

like a viva

It is one month and 1 day since Ramadan started
i have accomplished a lot of things
and I am being examined
I hope I pass
in all my examinations

there is no more time
lets imagine all the time that you could ever waste has been used . watch ends
did you ever think about when the watch ends/
there is no more second chaces then
there are no more new beginnings or try again

would you not feel disgusted that yo uwasted ALLLL thattttt time
and none of it was ever about this day
Ya Rab let me be strong
from the tips of my hair until the tips of my feet
and let me be a queen from the tips of my hair till the tips of my feet

Ya Rab
you are teaching me patience and yo uare trying to see how much  I have faith in you
and how much I love you
and how much I will not fail you

its like a viva
you hsow the other person how smart and well versed and prepared you are
you will be distinct
you dont.... you will not be distinct
simple equation
and i want to be distinct for you this time Ya RAB

im sorry Ya Allah
Im sorry for all the time ive wasted
im sorry for all the unnecessary tears
thank you for showing me all this now , when im young m when im strong and when im preapred
if this happend before this Ramadan i dont think i would be this composed
but this Ramadan somethign inside me changed i learnt
i learnt patience and lov eand finding myself and taking waht was stole nfrom me back
my soul
and thus
it does make a difference

 no matter what happens i am with you Ya RAB
my closure is with you
my happiness is with you
my key to love and life and understanding is with you

it only saddens me that i didnt trust you enough and myself enough and that the past haunts me with wasted time and tears

you have one and a half hours to find closure

I ask myself
Until when Will muslims be only reacting robots , brought on by a chemical reaction the result of an explosion gone wrong or the end phase of an experiment gone right,

now I ask myself
Until when  will i always be the reaction to something and never the initiating actor the game on my hands, the chemicals for love or hapiness are in my hands and i let someone else react -

until when will i be the reaction to bad decisions or lazy expeditions in this beautiful life
until when will i be the reaction to an addiction or the consequence , the consequence of saying its too hard

I see someone who cantstop smoking and think that is just plain stupid i would never ever ever be in that situation
unable to save my life

and then i look at myself
am i not in that position
unable to save my life

this blog
this blog is a a history of my dealings, my feelings, my thoughts, my tears, my joys and my despair , 
its a journey that sometimes when i look back i regret i admire, i love, i hate , i still wish, i loathe to apprehend and its a memory, of times whne i was right , when i was stupid, when i was wrong, so wrong, when i was good, when i was a disaster ,

I am only sad at the time ive spent , wasted tears, and dreams that are just useless, maybe it does hurt more when i remember the car window and a young growing girl with innocent dreams, asking all the way home, but god has been nothing but kind to me , nothing but good to me and so I will be good to him
i will not trumpet like a false player, I will not scream like a child, I will not go numb like the paralysed, I will not drown like the sinking, I will not shed a tear

i enver restrict myself about what i want to write about
i never really into detial about what a piece is about
as i feel details ruin the emotion
i never restirct myself
but htis time I will
I will give myself only till the start of the new day that exactly 1 and a half hours to say anything i feel about the news i heard today
and then i will never ever ever write about this part of mylife again

fpr nothing saddens me except the time ive wasted
but i know i must find closure

many examinations that I will be distinct in

I wont even let the music stop
God, you examine me and im ready
im ready this time
my walls are up and will not will come down
i ask for health
i ask for wealth in patience
i ask for joy
i ask for forgettting bad things or things that seem bad
dear god I ask you let me stay
i want to stay
at least for this while
because i realise i havnt put any love in myself
im loveless
because its not inside me
ya rab
i need more time
please give it to me
so in return i will never waste time again

Allah's Keyring

Hold it and wear it 
close to your heart
for God is close and his protection is closer
dont ever forget that 
keep it safe underneath your appearance
and nothing will do you wrong 
Allah's key ring is what you should keep
 leave it on you 
Dont ever take it off
you will look ugly otherwise 
and you will vanish from the pages of beauty
if you want to accessorise this is the foundation you start 
this is the base you always leave on 
this is the chain you never take off

A dream is coming

Only this one is wrapped differently with all my dreams on its cover - given to me in the kindest and sweetest box
it fits into my heart
my dreams
my strengths
my ability to achieve something greater and not just great

but the distinction is my reaction
my working for it , my accepting if I dont get it
I learnt the hard way , the last day
it is not the failure of not achieving or not getting something that hurts
it is the failure of having not tried that is painful
God is so merciful
he has provided me with a close second try
A Distinction that this time I aim to get
because I will work hard
today , tomorrow, the next day
and then whatever happens thursday
whatever happens
........I will be the amazing Hope that  I know will never falter or give up her faith

POW_ Think of yourself only

Signed ....I wont let you

nice try
but I wont let u
you wont shape my future no more
you wont pull me  past  my dreams no more
I wont let you I Wont put my guards down
you can try
you may pass one security , or two
but you cannot finish your stealing gam
I will catch you
and my heart will remain the same
strong and far away from you
you wont win no more
you cant live here no more
your a loser here
your weak here
and i wont let you win me
I wont let you be bigger than life
larger than truth
i wont let you be stronger than pain
or sadness
no you are minute
and miniscule and pathetic
i hate that word
i hate you
and i will beat you down
till you are .....gone completely

Signed....I wont let you 

Monday, September 17, 2012

Sunday, September 16, 2012

secret charm

I smell of secret charm and african plaits surround me
I have water clean and sound in front of me and ive finally ironed some ofthe terrible creases that consumed my life, appearance
I feel tired but i feel so clean and healthy
I feel not lonely and i know I am never alone
and i feel proud that i did something no matter how small was probably the hardest thing in my life
but its payed off because im hapy and simple and able to smile
god i would have been a wreck
a shipwreck
an earthquake
a tsunami
a lifeless misery
but after harship comes ease and i am at ease
for i have survived
and this year i will change te whole of me
i am determined to try
if i try the nothing will torment me

Ya RAB help me not lose
time money
a chance
a good chance
i know ive learned my lesson
for the first time i was only a jealous witch
i was a fake crowd shouting and screaming in my head
and non of it worked
until now
nowits working  htis calm
this tranquility
liek the waters of rainforest s and waterfalls that run within me
now its working the sweet smell of trying something good
for angels only visit clean houses
Ya Rab as mch as i want to go
I am not ready please
help me stay
please ya rab
so theni can go ready clean and like someeone close said
they will all say wow
ya RAb help me
ya Rab

Beautiful Dream part 4

A beautiful dream is what i ask for
one that god prepares for me and that is in store
A beautiful dream though needs determination
and a healthy aspiration
to be a better woman, in everything
and a  beautiful dream needs inner love
and strong connection with the one above
A beautiful dream is what I want to reach
like a ladder I will climb until the peak
of the heavenly time
and the earthly moments of heaven
and the harships of entrance
and the ease of faith
and the beauty of a dream of true love and a wise mind
and patience
a beautiful dream requires patience
and a trembling conscience
so it can never hold wrong
a beautiful dream cannot go with the same person that has a weak
or a weaker belief
a beautiful dream for me can only go with the best ....and kindest woman
that tries her best and heals her inner beauty before the outer softness and curves
Ya Rab

I wonder if people with beautiful dream swaste their time on facebook

change the whole of me 5

on the final day
I pray for the best
 in every way
I pray for tranquilit yand safety inside me and a happy heart
with a big smile
I pray to pray always
and I pray to stay in love with life and
and patience
I pray today and everday in everyway
for a sweet future
one with health, good time , right love and perfect memories
ya rab
i ask your kindness and I pray for your guidance
I pray to do the right things
for I could techniquely decide but
   I asked your reasoning your stability and knowledge to touch me
for I really do not know
and I need your help i ask you glitter me and shower me with just one dream
I ask you perfume and scent me and take the time to look at me glow
I ask taht day yo are with me proud and ready to give me a new definition
ya Rab change the whole of me that I am sure  I want and I need and I want to work for
Ya Rab change the whole me of me
for I want to be beautiful for you

will I go, Will I stay?

Sometimes its unbearable , watching my dream with someone else - i feel tired but most of all I am afraid that it will never come back to me that it will lose me and i just want to run to catch it but even if i did run i wouldnt know where to look?
Sometimes its even more unberable to conjure the dream in my mind as if its so real as if its really mine
when all it is , is a fake portal

I wish upon a change
I feel im starting but its not enough
I feel im winnig but not yet first place
a part of me wants to go , a? part of me wants to stay
is it up to me to decide
I hope I stay only so  I do not default...twice

i tihnk I can bare another while alone
a hard uncomfortable spa treatment lets say
If I stayed Ya Rab i would continue my journey thinning down my evils and fattening my true ccurves
in all aspects of my gorgeous life
if I went
aaaaa if  Iwent  wouldnt know where to begin with happinness and a life portal of home existence and independance with family yet myself, teaching myself to live young and strong
but ive used so much ....
I couldnt bare taking another so much amount
Ya Rab
Ya RAb dont see me liek this
I dont want to spend like this
my time please just give me what i really want
whatever it will be then i know it is what i really wanted
even if it doenst feel like so
I promise what ever it iwll be
i will not be sad
no I will not be sad

Saturday, September 15, 2012

change the whole of me 4

I  look at myself in the mirror and i see a woman lacking flavour , apricotcscrubs and life
I look at myself deeper and I think what is it that I  can realy see hidden behind unexfoliated skin?
There is a                woman of                                       beautiful character 
of poise 
of depth                                                  elegance,                                            inner peace
,                              and
                                                          sweet  magnetism
there is a woman of sanction,  calm and goodness, a woman wanting simple but powerful things

                                                             young cool faithful dreams 

like  the air from a 2am refrigerator in the silenc of an african night except for one passing tired lorry or a 4 pm mug of tea in a khartoum alley way after a busy traffic street in downtown memory lane
there is a dream there are so many smaller dreams i side me

                                   yelping to escape 
i hope they come close enough so i can catch them
I hope they are  strong enough so I cannot hurt them
I hope they come healthy enough so they save me from myself

Ya Rab change the whole of me Ya Rab 
today, this year , today anyday change the whole of me 
I ask you to help me find what it is i am looking for
 for even I do not really know but I know its shape its colour its  texture its meaning its ability to make others happy to make my faith happy to make me smile ya Rab I think i know what it is but I do not know what it looks like
I Want you to help me  choose for me to guide me 
Ya rAb help me do not leave me alone
and do not leave me guess
leave me be better always leave me do the right thing always
I asked you this year to change the whole of me and I intend to continue no matter how close how hard how unbearable
I want to transform into all those things the woman inside me really is
please make me make the right choice 
Ya rab help me 
I ask you to help me 
Ya rAb

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I want to go_ Ya Rab let me go

I ask myself
what is it you really want to do
I answer
lose the meaning of days and love forever
mondays will be fridays and saturdays will be tuesday
ovens will be warm with chicken pies and later red velvet cake
the sunhsine will melt my worries away
th prayers will fit right that 4 pm evening tea will always have mint or cardemon
I will indulge in myself in everything like soap and perfect nails and face masks, like hair curlers and cream , lots and lots of body cream - traditional or modern silk - but I will also advance in balance - learning quran, starting early, reading always, stopping technology , I'm so tired of typing, I want to forget my passwords and usernames, I want to remember only cake and biscuit recipes, mango radio at 9.17 am in omdurman reflections on a tuesday morning peaceful yet energetic with cars and transport and wonderful times

Monday, September 10, 2012

Starting again_ forgive & forget

A new day, a new way where the old me refold s and blooms filled with inspiration and aspiration to do better
I ask myself
Why am I not happy, excited, feeling wonderful, proud,
I think
its because of this block of drama in front of me
but why?
because i always want so much from me and by me but i never put in enoug h enerfy
im creeping up
and not sprinting
 I want to forgive and forget
I want to let live and let go
I want to smile connected to my heart

I want to go
but not now 
not like this
I Would be incomplete
like a half baked wonderful cake
or a like a quarter eaten apple
no full goodness
or like a terrible exam
because I studies reggae at the time

THe Distinction 6

I come in like a funeral
my God look at this volcano of exploded dreams!
lava set all around the once cool breezes of love
I come in and see the shoes I should have worn
lying functionless excpet to weep like me at their lost purple and grey belt
they are still bored and angry at me
I come in and itch from the mess
like an old ugly man
like a young sick girl
I ask myself
what would you do if you became sick?
I answer  Iwould forget all these troubles they would be simple and I Would worry about life and death
about healh and time
about how much time
I would no longer worry about a distinction or not
i would no longer be so mad at myself and the world
I would beg my body to forgive me
I would beg God to forgive me
I Would be lost in gaining the future and I would forget the past
yes I would
so why not try now?
God does not like you complaining to any1 but him
and you know it is an insult otherwise
so I suggest you turn this terrible drama around
and make it have a happy ending

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The Distinction 5

I love Pret A manger
its french taste and feel with suburban identity
i love its porridge thick but bright as i had it in many mornings travelling or waiting upon exams or after them - soothing to the heart
I love its croisant hot melting cheese
comfortable delicious and dark but soft
i love their lemon cheesecake
lustful sexy brilliant
everytime i went to pret a manger i went for a reason
i wanted to go was enough
or i missed a particular taste
i always linked it to happinness and joy someway or another
until wednesday
when i was dragged like a donkey like i hadnt created all those memories
they were erased instantaously
the distinction

The Distinction 4

I ask myself the question
have you ever known god to be unjust in your life ?
no is the answer he has always been so so kind
so why now? clearly it is not that he wanted to hurt you
but it is that he wanted to show you
that you must try before he can give you anything
if you try and lose then it was not meant to be
otherwise it will remain hanging in the air for life
I ask myself the question
are you really trying ?
No is the answer
thus you will never ever succeed
I ask myself the question
why have you applied?
because i must try
even if its no
but it wont be if i try
if i try it will be meaning full
it will not be consuming
it i try it will be a chance lost
and not a chance stolen
if i try it will be a day sad and not many days many many days heartbroken
if it try I may succeed
and i may not
but it will not be that i didnt get it that will haunt me
it will be the fact that i didnt try
just like i am not trying in my life in other areas
as usual
as usual


Saturday, September 8, 2012

The Distinction 3

There are times when I dream about all that is beautiful
there are times when I am strong, super and adamant
there are times when  i am never jealous of anything, anyone, anywhere
there are times when I am healthy, young and good, simply with a good heart

But I am not consistent

I am sure the distinction is that i was not consistent
you see there are times when I feel like I didnt deserve it anyway
but there are times when I feel I wasnt given the chance

it hurts me when I see that the second point is right
I didnt deserve it anyway
because I wasnt consistent

and the same may be apparent in all aspects of my life


ps I Promise I will not let them give me sympathy
I promise  I will not let anyone make me feel like I do not deserve beauty,,,, love,,,,, happinness
I promise I will not let myself down.....ever again

Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Distinction 2

5am I try and be courageous
3.15pm I try and be energetic
I watch flowers of the middle east
and I see what movies are on the cinema, what's new, what's up?
deep down I am only barely functioning, I am just about held on
the glue Im using now is way too soft
got no material
no strength
no potency
no long last
no success
no distinct features to ever make me buy this glue at all ever again
as I walk I thank god
as I see the flowers
I think maybe I should?
as I cry inside , I smile and push myself
why am I so heartbroken?
because I didnt try hard enough
because i spent my time doing other things when I should have been concentrating on what i was really meant to do
because i didnt care enough
all my life never had i been so underprepared for such an important situation
and i ask myself
how prepared am I for the final exam , when you meet the one and only
will he say - that was fine
or will he say well done
I gave you a distinction
because you worked hard, you were dedicated, determined and I saw in you everlasting wonderful work
That feeling and not this one 

The Distinction 1

A new life buds from a remorseful day
I understand from today a very important principle
It is not the pain of having failed in something but it is the pain of having not tried that consumes you

A new bud grows from a terrible conclusion
I feel tricked
i Feel like I've tricked myself and so no one should take the blame but me
I feel like I've stabbed my self in the back and I feel like I've let myself down greatly

I ask myself
how many bad choices have you made
how many were voluntary , non voluntary acceptable and fatal?
too many is the answer, the answers being short and wrong
I ask myself
is this the pattern you want to live your life?

I ask myself again
are you second best or are you a first that didnt try
it doesnt matter now the result is the same
the outer appearance is the same
but I know deep down
I know in all my heart and in all my mind
I could have been distinct

for it all I ever want ed
to be distinct in God's eyes, my parents eyes, my familys eyes, and my eyes,

So now I ask the question
can I ever be distinct ?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I see.... your annoyed

So you try break me
I heard you were short
I heard you changed tactics
and here you are changing tactics
as I didnt let you win
I didnt let u in
and you wanna get me somehow
so you lose my concentration
and you try to break my determination
and you want me to make a fool of myself and
you want me to cry
becasue I didnt try
hard enough to fight you
and now time
is on the go
and I am so slow
to fear that is catching
but I wont let you
tommorow i will wear my most beautiful clothes
and the best perfume
the most attractive eyes
and I will speak like the queen
and I will ooze confidence like chocolate filling in chocolate cake
and I will be just right if not perfect
i iwll be perfect
because I beat you
and you are annoyed
I can sense it

but tomorrow I wll be powerful and young and healthy
and strong and I will remember it all and forget you forver
each day
each day I wake up
you are a little furhter away
and that kills you
but you are
because I pray
that you and I are like the east and the west
and its working

imagine if

Imagine if it all ended tommorow
you would never jump dreams or wear any types of skirts
you would never havae achance to smile or hold tea trays
you would never be able to live amongst chandeliers and family laughter
you would never be able to
you would never be able to
imagine if today was the last day
how would you live>
and live it 

Monday, September 3, 2012

I really like this skirt

I really like this skirt

Ya Rab help me

Ya Rab I ask for your help against myself and my miseries I ask you dont listen to me sometimes for I cry unnecessariliy and i smile wrongly and I close my eyes and see ugly and I open them and forget you
Ya Rab I pray you help me and save me from question I do not know the answer to and I pray you help me from stutters and voicec abscence and eyes that wither with embarassment for NO that is not me Ya RAb I wont to prove myself wrong and then others Ya Rab help me save me , Ya Rab let me be more than great more than grand more than amazing, inspirational wonderful, let me be more than life but never more than ignorance more than impatience more than wrong speed, Ya Rab I have only a few hours left, let me salvage my existence now and forever Ya RAB i ask your peace in my mind, Ya Rab this fight is ticking it must blow over must blow over .....ya rAb let it be like ash on me, like silent villages or like  remission - of the dark

I want to be ....POW

I want to be an unique extra ordinary woman

As soon as you notice any unhelpful or negative thought, ask:

What actions are likely to follow from this thought?
Is that what you want? If not...
What do you really want?
What can you say to yourself that's more likely to get you what you want?

What can you do 2?

How hard are you willing to try, or is it easy for you do just die,do you see at as once that you can liive ,, or are you willing to compromise the chance he gives, from 6am you did so well from when you were born he was never absent, he chose you amongst others, but just like he gave you big dreams he gave you bigger challenges, ones to trick you to bring you down if you like to surrender, for you must want it first, to break down, How hard are you willing to try, to be distinct, to be the boy untouched, to be the body, unseen, to be the body favoured, to be the clean, to be the young, to be the unconfounded, to be the right, the youthful, the true, the happy, the wonderfully smart, how hard are you willing to try, or are you ready to die lost, bruised and used.

The taste of life 1

You should be hungry for life for life is sweet, tasty and magnificently beautiful unless you cannot see or feel that unless your taste buds of enjoyment are all malfunctioning - unless you are unaware of your existence and your pure of heart and life is worth every bit, I feel sorry I ever waste time crying, or feeling sad, i wish I could take back a lot of thing s but i figure that is more time in the bin dreaming abuot yesterday.... I will win this fight , to love and love true, to develop my existence so it makes sense, and have meaning for i do not want a result of boring schedule, or lifeless heart, I want to change , Ya Rab change the whole of me , Ya Rab help me see what it is I am missing and help me be blind to what it is that destroys me and help me hear your words and help me save my life from pain and illness, ya Rab all I want is what you give me I am sorry if I make you feel otherwise for I am an emotional rollercoaster that does make you throw up. Ya Rab help me , change me, save me from myself, and do not let me live in this world except with a distinction for I may not deserve it but I want it for them, I want it for myself, I want it Ya Rab, help me get all the things you plan for me , Ya Rab

Sunday, September 2, 2012

What can you do 1>?

A life worth living
is yours>?
A life filled with energy
is yours?
A life with prospering activities
is yours?
A life with healthy days
is yours?
A life with challenges won
is yours?
A life with determination that empowers
is yours?
A life with no boundaries
is yours?
A life where you're a hero
Are you?
A life when time is priceless
Is your time priceless?
A life when hardships are small
how big are yours?
A life with no stop signs
How many have you stopped at?
A life where you pay attention
where is yours?
A life raining with focus
What rains upon you?
What rains upon you

A devils plan

they attack in different ways
like when you think your prepared or when you think its ok to let your guard down
they attack the easy things first like time waste or ego
and then they make you feel proud of your existence enough to make you forget your weaknesses
and then bam they target your pain your desires your wants they get to your emotions and wishes and they access your goodness and steal it all, you start to feel hypnotised , lost, and unbelievably tormented with something that you want that you can just see and you want to put your hand out and reach for it
they make you think they can give it you , they trick you essentially , they want you to try, tehy bend on their knees for you, they touch the world for you and offer all it is you want, that you could ever need, they make you feel, everything you ever wished you could feel, they make you see, all it is you want to see, its always perfect, it's always the right light the right time the right way, the right things, the right music, they interfere with you senses, paralyse your ability to control, they play the game until you lose, they want you to lose, you have to lose, its only a matter of time ,,,,,for them. they have all the time to spend, they have all the tools to try , they have all the new ideas and modern abilities to govern .....You what are you going to do? let them?

This right here

This right here is only for your eyes to see, although in my dreams i have other fantasies, like proving to the world i really am correct, but in fact all I want is to be for you perfect, I want you to love me forever not because of anything except that you want to, it would kill me if you thought I was pathetic, or ugly or if I made you feel in anyway come out of love with me, this right here is only for your eyes to see, I would give anything to you, if you loved me forever in return, gracefully, easily, for I love that you may need me, and want me and think of me with all happinness in your mind, I want you too but I want you to say it first, you hav eto say it first, I am a shy girl, I am even more shy around you, but if you come closer and whisper words that are the secret code, then I wont be a secret to you no more. 

White BMW's

A line of them for a special day
they come my way
big and small but all white
and I fight my entrance into a dream  free and extended with love
as I only wish for good grandeur
so maybe it will just be a dream heart dream. for it can never be right as it is filled with expensive material and fuming jealousy, although all I really want is to see him love me , and to see him want me and to have him hold my hand as I enter our lives together and I want to surround myself in white for him,  with white BMW's that match a white dress - a romantic petrol of images burns inside me
and white roses that scent of fragranced future
with white stars that smile and white cake that tastes impossibly perfect
white love, pure of heart and stronger than the strongest metal
to beat anybody's wrong - our love will be
White BMW's have come and gone and left me with the rupture of a dream
like a speeding extravaganza and a rapid surge of fantasy , like wrong medicine, like an allergy to the future - i scratch to forget now
for it is not the time or the place for beautiful allergies
It is not the time or the moment for white sirens to attack my heart
White papers against the devils work
 I want them to remain white and never be stained by failures or regret 
Indeed I have 2 days to regret again ..........fajr misproportions

Saturday, September 1, 2012

POW_ leave the bad for the good

if u leaVe something for Allah , he will give you even better

Signed ......never let you

They say he's good at what he does
he's bee naround since adam
and before when he actually  did obey god and his call
but then refused to bow to his creation us
and so decided he would make life thus
.......a disaster
they say he's smart, strong and sexy
they say he's invisible but can be unlike and come in all different forms
they say he is very good at his work
and thus his career has propsered and will prosper indefinietely
Professor Devil?

how can a young young girl like me fight him?
defeat him
make him so angry that I'm not listening
threaten him
change the game
win the game
make him run
make him cry
make him die if he tries come near me

how can such inexperience win?
how can such lack of knowledge get a distinction in thisexam
the exam of beating him
doing better and beyond

i never want to see him
I never want to exchange anything with him
I dont want anything from him
I dont want nothing in exchange
I want to be on God's side

you might say impossible
he's too talented
he's just too talented
like chess
can predict your next move and move before you
you might say
is trying to win him

pathetic i say is leaving him win
pathetic I say is believing he can win
pathetic I say is thinking he's smarter
you are human beautiful flesh and mind and blended with courage and love
he is just pathetic in an other realm somewhere with no family
with nothing to do but look at you
with nothing to do but think of ways to mess your happiness
for he has no happinness
he knows he is a part of hell
he knows fire pain and regret are his only home
he knows his existence is pathetic
he knows he has no family, never tasted the feeling of a smile
never tasted the love of God
never tasted the strength of love
never will amount to anything
so the best he can do is make you not amount to anything too

I wont let you
I wont let you
you may try
come and try
try a million times
try a million more
try my whole life
but I will never let you
you are pathetic
you are less than the ability of a cell
or the knowledge of an atom

......never let you 

Signed... the weakless

Ya allah seal my cracks
mend my holes
restore my being
before i fall
repair my time
alter my fate
change my heart
turn me back
so i am not late
for the future
Ya Allah heal my thoughts
treat my soul
treat the melody that has turned cold
put back power
build my ceiling higher
for I dream I can see past the small things
and I dream the sky is not my limit
and  I dream this hope never dies
without faith
and I dream I am amazing
at everything possible
and I dream he becomes a part of me
and I dream he is strong
and I dream its perfectly wrong
and I dream its luscious
and I dream its surreal
and I dream its magnified volume of love
and I dream its all mine
I am selfish Ya Allah
but I am not small
I am selfish Ya Allah
but I am not young no more
I am selfish Ya Allah
but I am not weak

Signed ....
the weakless

Signed...I refuse

I refuse to fall
I refuse to call on the wrong thing
I refure to lose my determination
I refuse to get myself in a common mess
for common people
for common lay stupid people
I refuse to shadow in black
I refuse to fall
I'd rather die
I'd rather starve
I'd rather have any dismercy fall
but not this fall
I refuse to go soft
I refuse to lose this battle
this is a battle i refuse to get killed in
to die in
no I'd put my life for everything
but I refuse to put my life for something wrong like this
particularly this
I refuse to forget ramadan so early
I refuse to forget ramadan at all
I refuse to let God see me like this
I refuse to put my dreams up for sale
i refure to bow out of the game with broken arms and legs
I refuse to be the last
I refuse
it all
i will type till i erase the part in me that cannot understand
It will not have control
I refuse to listen to the wrong hting
to see the wrong thing
to hear the wrong thing
to feel the wrong thing
its simple this year
I refuse to be the old me

I refuse

Signed...won't lose now

I do not want to forget or regret
I want to be put in a faithful situation and actually be faithful
worthwhile for this amazing career , of carrinng Islam in my heart
and the pain of regret is humiliating and agonising
of letting that go, the test of time

I only want to ache for you
smile at you
let you enter my world and open my dreams
for they are yours and yours alone to open
and I only want to wait
and I only want to watch you watching me
and hear us wishing upon stars of tommorrow together
and I only want to make first time everythings with you

something burns inside me
hurts me and can break me
but right now i have enough supplies to win this war
i must ask for more
and wait till I get it
i must use my resources wisely
and I must pray for better
 love for myself before anybody else
tell me
which route do you want to take?
which ramadan do you choose?
the one that won
or the one that was all wrong

I choose life , true love and happy visions
i choose success and smiling and cinemas
I choose cinnamon buns and carrot cake
I choose walking and dancing
and mango radio
I choose jokes on TV and an old film ive watched a lot
I choose to leave darkness behind
I choose to control my senses
I choose to control myself
I choose to live for goodness and innocence and purity and healthy drama and satin love with white rose stare and glance at you
somewhere between a khartoum faiytale a future awaits for me and I plan to arrive
i can almost scent it and hear it but I cannot see it all for its in another realm
that only God can bring to me

I choose my future
wont' lose now

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -