Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I suddenly realise

I suddenly realise what it truly feels like to be me
that 's to stop underestimating myself
to never sell my dreams and to live them no matter how expensive they are

I suddenly cannot sleep
and I love it
although I am tired
I have been exhausted for longer than ever

I suddenly feel all my body ache
I adore it
it makes me feel alive
it makes me feel

I suddenly feel strong
nothing can break me
as long as i have God's Protection
I am safe

I suddenly realise
God is near
he's always been near
I am the one who couldnt see

I suddenly realise

I am going to succeed
this is my monthly discovery
I will succeed
in everything that I do

I Suddenly realise this is hard but easy at the same time
and i realise I have wasted time
but that time that time
is like saved energy
is like massive expanses of usage all now packed in a moment
for me to see
never again
and only again
will I live

I Suddenly realise
my Whole life is for God
i live to go to heaven
I will not die on earth without having lived THAT dream...............

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Monthly Discovery February_ new discovery

This months discovery is

....................... I have to find a new approach
None of the old tactics work
None of my defenses work
I am so weka
I am such an enemy against myself
This month i must discover - a new discvovery
become a disoverer of myself
I must discover myself
deeper and deeper
This mnths discovery is to find a new discovery
Political reform inside me

18 days until....

why am I at war
with myself

I feel I'm at warwith myself
when i look at my body I feel regret
when I listen to my heart
I cannot trust
hen I feel my soul
I cannot touch

I am at war with myself
with my dreams and emotions
it's like I am hijacked ...by myself

I do not know where I am going
I do not know who is taking me
the devil my weak soul

how could t be mself?

here I am a beautiful woman
a woman created to live
this is my only function
to live and survive for God

and here I am crying and begging
and scremaing inside for love

yet I do not know love
I do not fell love
I do not understand what love is
for I am not in love with myself
I am at war with myself

there are ......18 days until my birthday.....
a new year again...
what am I going to do?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I revolutionise for a future

I dream of a revolution in my head
where all these emotions dangerously tread
I dream of broken things to change and begin
I dream ofchange from deep within

I dream of moments of despair to go
I want new history to set and how
I want my soul to never forget
That I can also revolutionise against myself

I want my heart to understand
that it is under my command
I want my dreams to demand
to be heard and to be found

I want my days to let me in
into a journey with lack of sin
I want my eyes to fear me through
from the destruction it pursues

I want everything in me to recreate
I want to decide my own fate
I don't want to be late - for my own fate

I want to be honest true and true
I want to love seomeone that I find true
I want to live true - fighting battles that are true
falling in love real and true

I want to be strong overnight and day
I want to do what I say
and I say - I want to revolutionise against pain
weakness does not go in vain
weakness ignites tiredness
tiredness excites sickness from the past
recognition of the new last
the future

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -