Sunday, February 6, 2011

18 days until....

why am I at war
with myself

I feel I'm at warwith myself
when i look at my body I feel regret
when I listen to my heart
I cannot trust
hen I feel my soul
I cannot touch

I am at war with myself
with my dreams and emotions
it's like I am hijacked ...by myself

I do not know where I am going
I do not know who is taking me
the devil my weak soul
myself

how could t be mself?

here I am a beautiful woman
a woman created to live
this is my only function
to live and survive for God

and here I am crying and begging
and scremaing inside for love

yet I do not know love
I do not fell love
I do not understand what love is
for I am not in love with myself
I am at war with myself


there are ......18 days until my birthday.....
a new year again...
what am I going to do?
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -