Thursday, January 29, 2015

Waiting for henna

Shuda woken up earlier
Lost now in waiting
Hope things work out
Will itbe flowers or architecture
Wishing all my life options were so pretty
Yesterday he makes a home video
I love home baking
I love tea parties
No more luxury
Although i do think my stuff is not luxury
And Its expensive  
Dont know still have puff pastry
And chocolate cake
Lost i tell you

Monday, January 26, 2015

looking afar to look near

Its not how many breaths 
u take in a moment... 
Its how mNy moments 
that take your breath away

a quote i overheard while sitting in a cafe somwhere 
ot0day very far away 
from me 
next to a beach 
while now im in a desert
next to water and cold and the tip
while now im in the heat and centre
time changes... and rapidly 

sent from my iphone_ different

This is hard
Im weak
Not myself
Cant defend myself
Am tired
Am bored
Poor him i think im having a bad day
But hes having all sorts
Smashed glasses
Smashed phone
No visa
And no money
But thats ok
Whatever happens
Im here for him
Love of my life
It feels strange that i am doing this for him
I like it
Very much
Am scared
But i like it

sent from my iphone_bootcamp for faith,,,

Whats happening to me.... Am hungry
All the time
But here i am fasting with a year istigfar and a year after
I love how god just swipes in an instant the devils hardwork
Soo easily
So quietly
so humbly
yet so grand...
No majorities
One god
Thats it
I need a bootcamp for faith
For 2 weeks 1 hour a day i will learn
Read love faith again
Starting from today
Youm arafa...
Today iis the 3 rd october
In 11 days ill have no days left and the day that comes will be a countdown
 to momen coming
I miss him
A lot
And i miss how safe i am with him
I wonder
Will i be that woman waiting in an airport or train station kind and happy
And true with herself??

sent from my iphone_Ya Rab help me

My head is not in the right place 
Ive looked for peace within me
Ive found some
But i still have a huge gaping hole
Am wondering 2 weeks left to the end
Why have i missed allah so much
Why have i forgotten his importance
Why have i left him behind
Why am i so cruel to him?
Forgetting it is that I need him, and not that he needs me
My relationship is very very cold
And yet he brought me here for a reason
I hate how i have replaced allah with all my affection
But the truth is
I am wilting away
And then when a challenge comes along
I am back to being naive

Whatever happened to being a muslim
Just living that truth
Not just an appearance
Not just a name
An actual feeling
Whatever happened to feelings for faith
Letting in its rays like the sun im sitting in now
Life is at its best
I am ready to be healthy
But not with this incomplete heart
Not with this emptiness
I have changed and i am better towards myself 
I do 
Like exercise 
I used to hate moving my body
But  now i like it
I used to hate eating healthy
Im not perfect but i dont like eating unhealthy anymore
The times i have ate unhealthy ive hated it
And when i did enjoy it i enjoyed it with a passion
I used to always bring myself down
when i ate anything
But now i dont
I love what i eat
And when i go wrong 
Im still learning

Im learning when i eat i enjoy
And when i move i enjoy
But where is faith?
when there is no faith , how can i enjoy?

sent from my iphone_worth the rent

Here i am a long week later
I love how my bodyaches but i wish i could get better
I love how this week has been precious
I ask myself
Why i never did vegatableS in eggs before
Why i didnt drink so much water
Why i didnt like to exercise
Why dont i like to exercise?
Its hard
But its nice and worth it
Ifeel different 
I definitely dont want to go back to the way i was
Not happy with who i am
I dont deserve that
And i want to be healthy for me 
I love allah
Sooo much
And i have that when no one does 
Its like thwyre all renting 
And i am too but i kno who im renting from
This body
Is also rented
And i want to help it not ruin it
Not waste it
I want to be luxurious and simple
Young and warm
Happy and proud
Smart and fun
Strong and sexy
Beautiful true

Ya rab help me

sent from my iphone _ tired

I deserve to honor and love myself
To feel comfortable with who i am
To know i am smart and healthy
To work hard for anything and get results with that

I didn't do any work so far
I didn't work hard or enough so far in the things i really want to achieve

Like being a specialist
Like reaching a healthy weight
Like being a strong muslim

I came to falmouth to find myself
To reach new heights
To fall in love with the sunshine and the arts of the soul

Not to be sad and down
I feel like its a new challenge god has put upon me because i was smart with him

But that's not true because god is with me always in kindness and peace
He is not like me or bad others or or
He doesn't work to cause pain or getting back

He forgives and he loves and and

Believing that is beautiful

I'm playing with myself
I'm lying to myself
I'm scared to really get tired
I don't work hard enough

I need to prove to myself i am better i can do better
I'm tired of always feeling that im holding myself back
I don't want that
I don't want to get old having not tried living young
Ya Allah am so happy today
I have good weather
Good family
I have a good heart
I have good money
I have nice things
I can eat good food
Right now i have good health
I have freedom
I have a chocolate milkshake in front of me
I am... Me
And i wont let bad things happen to me 
I  wont
I will be happy for jasmine
She has nothing to do with it 
And i have nothing to do with it

 i feel in control of my own attachments
I did get up
Everything i eat and drink i will love and taste well
I will not think any negative thoughts and im going to stop this damaging relationship i have with food

And i can combine
Because life is all about combining and living

And i will use control at the right time in the wrong places to achieve my goal
After all
I am the master of lost under control

I am happy

Sunday, January 25, 2015

sent from my iphone_soon will be here

I cant believe i joined a bootcamp for 2 weeks
Everyday ffrom monday
At 7
Whats the result at the  end?
Whats the benefit>?
To be happier
Not just healthier

I must change whats wrong about me
like being stubborn
like Being afraid of exercise
Being too weak 
like being angry
And i think im truly angry with myself
Because im not doing what i truly want

No one is stopping me but me
And i 
Want to begin a new page 
Soon he will come
Soon there's another chance 
Soon ill be in a new place
Soon it will be a new year
Soon will be here
And i dont want to be the same to meet soon

Echoes in my mind_(totally unconventional prayers)

Time runs 
Here i am
In my second wedding party
Hoping for a better future
Wishing upon a... Few dreams coming true
Loving who i am while weAring my pieces of jewellery 
Old new expensive cheap
Theyre mine
And they make me glitter
But faith also makes me glitter
And ive neglected it
My heart skips a beat
I miss african streets
It seems calm to me
Family tell me i look calmer
I ask myself
How stressed did i look before?
Whatever it is 
I dont want to lose this era of happiness im in
Suddenly i can see the coolness of our love
The memories young but tonnes
The new future we want
Am sick of always feeling i havnt reached my goals
I have and above...and I will and beyond
they await me...they do
Much happier listening to beyonce
While here in this land
A 4 metre turbaned man is the kill
Classic urbanity
Will see on saturday
I love my man
Feel like he is my man
I want him to be
Hes cool
I am too
And i do look good tonight
aNd i can look better sexier always
but I am the myriad of self hope
Hopeful wise young 

sent from my iphone 4_ stopping isn't one of them

Back to the basics
Beautiful intentions
 in a damaged world
My life is full of fears
But my prayers not being 
answered isn't one of them...

sent from my iphone 3_ happiness this way

I cant believe its here
Its still a dream
I feel like i cant go on
I feel like i wont get there
Ya rab help me
Ya rab help me
Ya rab let it go ok
Now later
And then tommorow
I want your help
I crave it
Ya allah
After all this time
We will be connected again
I have done a lot of mistakes
But missing out on u will no longer be one
I know i havnt been as religious as i should be but
Here i am
Better than ever
Revived to the core
I wont be that woman    
 he last saw
I wont be the same voice
Or thesame words
Or the same anyrhing
-------(written on the train , listening to believer kcole)
I meet a woman yesterday who says take a deep breath and exhale for 8 seconds - 
and your stress will be gone
But my stress will only go if i believe in Allah
His love his protection these last months
Ive been alone but ive been protected and sound

electricity runs through my veins to be the something else - 
mirrors reflect a woman new 
no more boring or bored
I know 
I know that God loves me 
and that is why he tests me

I wont 
I wont 
lose his love or his love ever again
for its like a jewel
and walking lost I ahve suddenly found the arrow that says 
happiness this way........... 

sent from my iphone 2_believe again

Be weak
Moan scream and shout
Be angry
Be jealous
Be mean
Be selfish
Or u can be kind to yourself
In every way
Be happy
Get closer to god
Learn how to need him again
Lose weight and be happy about it
Don't be sad
Start fresher
Always feel pretty
Always be true
Imagine what u want to be
And what u want to achieve
what you want to have
and what you want to need you
Believe in god and yourself 
And believe in his love for you

sent from my iphone_ the falmouth past

New friday last august friday
Been waiting for this weekend to come 
i misshim so much
But am scared to meet up with him 
That first impression.....
This is the last weekend in august
August... Was jolted out of sudan. Put in the bottom of england. Pushed to work hard at work. No more waking up like i want or not going
Nooo messing about business
So why am i messing about in my life?in my health
If going to the gym was like work what would happen?
I would be great
Everytime i think about how easy it was to come here
I just know god wanted me to come
And deep down i even know the reason
To reach the right place
I deserve to be here
Iiii do
I  am a good dentist
Its my profession
And im really good at it

Thare are so many girls walking around with jeans and a black shirt and they look amazing

The honest truth is
Im not trying hard enough
Im not

A wish will remain a wish
A dream will remain a dream
A hope will remain a hope

I wish i could be....
Comfortable with my body
Confident about my looks

I wish i was
Sweeter to myself
I wish i could just see the pain and damage to myself

See the drama that could all be avoided

Hey here is another idea
Treat fat like him
Let him help u 
Yes let him do somethinng for u

U got rid of him
U dont want to hear speak see or think of him
And ur doing it well
Well... Shut out fat from ur body
Everyday think about fat as a nuisance like him
Aim to lose some so by the end of september
It would be like u stopped texting ringing and facebooking him in ur life

Dont do this
Hovering over the same thing
Unable to move forward or back

Its like repeating school all over again
Failing exams all over again
Losing time precious allll the time

Am so scared that jjasmine is there
I dont kno why am making it a competition
But even if it is am certainly losing
Not cuz of that issue 
But because am all wrong inside of myself
Am not in the right place out of choice always moving in the wrong direction

I know Allah is testing you

Dont treat ur body wrong
U crawled ur way out of the gym today! But dont crawl yourself out of exercise
Close that chapter in your head and begin again
U must stop this eerie voice inside u telling u u may still be

Another mistake
And another one

My guts are sown together
I cant even look at clothes
Or jewelry
I'm not honestly thinking of myself
Its too painful
To go into a shop and know i still wont have my size

This weekend has been a heavenly hell
Radioactive disaster
My body cannot bare it any longer
Or anymore
Its just horrible to see myself
To think about how much damage ive caused
Ive stopped believing
This weekend 
Ive just stopped
I loved all the nice things that happened and that i saw but
Deep down i hated every bit of it
Being alone
Being here
Still looking like this
Its a month on i should have changed
Its the last day of the month
What sort of review would i give it
Strong at work
Well sociable
Still the same with food
Really it was only a week i did well
I broke it with red velvet cake remember?
And i still remember how heavy i felt

Simple truth
Im not

At all

Im too weak

 its a monday
And i have the best table

I am in the right place
I am in the right place

I need to use the pain of being alone to look at myself
All youre doing
And start again

Start fresh and new

Sent from my iPhone

A mundane nightmare 2_ The last word

Im angry with myself
I let him get to me
I let him trVel here with me
.... u criminal i wont let u ruin my life in anyway or form
I wont let u beat me even unintentionally
You will not steal my mind my peace of mind
And u certainly wont give me tears
Here i am 
With my own efforts -
even though u took so much of it we still survive and better and 
we help each other to survive and here i am
Away from u and better than u cud ever imagine
Not a lot of people can imagine being here 
And certainly i couldnt imagine
But i got the job from the first try
From the first telephone even tho i was late an hour
And now im drinking cofee in cafe nero
But ive done a mistKe
I let u become a point a conversation with my dear love and hes right
I dont want u in my life either
I suddenly realised how strong a hold u still are 
How much strength ive given u
How much pain and worry ive let u cause me
And u dont matter a bit not a hair u dont matter like a grain of sand or dirt u are
I promise myself with this note 
I will never mention u again
I will never think of u Nd if i do i will say hasb lilahh wa nim alwakeel
And i will pray for my true family to have health and peace instead of 
wasting my time with u 
Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, January 24, 2015

reall? still here?

Imagine living with a devil

inside you
eating you alive.... as you try to continue doing something anything , you don't know what

imagine sleeping awake and thinking asleep

nothing is evolutionary, nothing is documentary
nothing is right
imagine needing something so much so deeply desperately praying for it , yearning for it all those years and then suddenly it all melts in to truth and it happens and then what....

you forget Allah, Life , accordance with memory you forget who you are and turn into a broken down desperation of freedom like an open prison 

your inside with an open door and you choose to stay ...inside
although there is freedom if you just step out 
there is a whole new world 

i want to ask you hope
why are you like this so .... angry with yourself
so down 
so lacking in confidence

 it seems like you have it all but i don't think it is all

 i think its pride
and arrogance
and although i am kind I am deeply evil inside too

to be continued....

M&A 17_ The start is in the past...

And then prayer saved the day, because God listened as usual and was kind to just dissolve the anger and the confusion... over coffeee
I felt surreal with love... explanation and understanding  and the coffeee was great
sweetness, kindness and lack of pain hearts melted into each other and souls agreed
and for the first time in M & A history I felt like a real couple - only needing each other to pull through
And then came night and the stars twinkled and this time I didn't play solitaire on the computer but instead went to downtown Khartoum... extravagant madness and a colossal beauty in the delicate nightness of the end of a day ... in downtown Khartoum. I wanted to wish him well and health and I hoped to make conclude the image with style - 

we talked about dreams.... and I loved every one
we thought about travel...and I dreamt of every plane

a mundane year no more

hey there,
am getting to know you
you the one so lost, so far, so broken and so tempted to give up
this time on me

hey there,
sit down from your journey as youve found your destination

dont go
dont leave

be with me
this time

Ive never been so alive
yet so... destroyed

and i need you to never give up on me

for you are my everything
and together we will become something
and always we will be together
so we must find each other

time is flying and yet
it might just stop for a moment or 2 to give you a moment to get on

take it

or it will never come back

Sunday, January 18, 2015

a mundane nightmare 1

here I am at 27 feeling never like 27
yesterday a massive crash somewhere near our use
everyday mundane things suddenl become a nightmare
in day
although there is noone but God to be afraid of
and yet
its accumalating
things only I should control others want to control
they havea point but i wont let them
this is my fight

dreams or views?
atn ight
I dont know
I wont let it get to me
maybe i saw hope not
they say robbers are around
she saw one and didnt even think of it
am afraid
things arnt turning out like i planned
suddenly something so mundane
becomes an ordeal

Ya Allah help me
for I have noone but you


What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -