Monday, January 26, 2015

sent from my iphone_Ya Rab help me

My head is not in the right place 
Ive looked for peace within me
Ive found some
But i still have a huge gaping hole
Am wondering 2 weeks left to the end
Why have i missed allah so much
Why have i forgotten his importance
Why have i left him behind
Why am i so cruel to him?
Forgetting it is that I need him, and not that he needs me
My relationship is very very cold
And yet he brought me here for a reason
I hate how i have replaced allah with all my affection
But the truth is
I am wilting away
And then when a challenge comes along
I am back to being naive

Whatever happened to being a muslim
Just living that truth
Not just an appearance
Not just a name
An actual feeling
Whatever happened to feelings for faith
Letting in its rays like the sun im sitting in now
Life is at its best
I am ready to be healthy
But not with this incomplete heart
Not with this emptiness
I have changed and i am better towards myself 
I do 
Like exercise 
I used to hate moving my body
But  now i like it
I used to hate eating healthy
Im not perfect but i dont like eating unhealthy anymore
The times i have ate unhealthy ive hated it
And when i did enjoy it i enjoyed it with a passion
I used to always bring myself down
when i ate anything
But now i dont
I love what i eat
And when i go wrong 
Im still learning

Im learning when i eat i enjoy
And when i move i enjoy
But where is faith?
when there is no faith , how can i enjoy?

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -