Monday, January 26, 2015

sent from my iphone _ tired

I deserve to honor and love myself
To feel comfortable with who i am
To know i am smart and healthy
To work hard for anything and get results with that

I didn't do any work so far
I didn't work hard or enough so far in the things i really want to achieve

Like being a specialist
Like reaching a healthy weight
Like being a strong muslim

I came to falmouth to find myself
To reach new heights
To fall in love with the sunshine and the arts of the soul

Not to be sad and down
I feel like its a new challenge god has put upon me because i was smart with him

But that's not true because god is with me always in kindness and peace
He is not like me or bad others or or
He doesn't work to cause pain or getting back

He forgives and he loves and and

Believing that is beautiful

I'm playing with myself
I'm lying to myself
I'm scared to really get tired
I don't work hard enough

I need to prove to myself i am better i can do better
I'm tired of always feeling that im holding myself back
I don't want that
I don't want to get old having not tried living young
Ya Allah am so happy today
I have good weather
Good family
I have a good heart
I have good money
I have nice things
I can eat good food
Right now i have good health
I have freedom
I have a chocolate milkshake in front of me
I am... Me
And i wont let bad things happen to me 
I  wont
I will be happy for jasmine
She has nothing to do with it 
And i have nothing to do with it

 i feel in control of my own attachments
I did get up
Everything i eat and drink i will love and taste well
I will not think any negative thoughts and im going to stop this damaging relationship i have with food

And i can combine
Because life is all about combining and living

And i will use control at the right time in the wrong places to achieve my goal
After all
I am the master of lost under control

I am happy

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -